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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

The lazy husband.. Help me!

Posted by on Apr. 7, 2013 at 11:46 AM
  • 26 Replies
My husband NEVER helps me do any housework. We have an almost 2 year old and one on the way. I am about ready to lose my mind. I have asked him, and fought with him on this subject. Recently I went on a 24 hour cleaning strike. You will not believe how gross my house is right now. My husband works full time. I work, go to school and take care of a tot. He also will go weeks without changing a single diaper. He rarely ever helps me with DD. I am going to loose my mind. How can I get him to see that he needs to help me?! I don't want my relationship to end because of what seems like such a trivial matter, but I cannot live like this anymore!! I really need some advice.
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by on Apr. 7, 2013 at 11:46 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Camsmommy12
by on Apr. 7, 2013 at 11:52 AM
Well my gf who is a child therapist told me this: Her and her DH fought years over the lack of things he did around the house. You do this and this.. almost divorced over it. She finally came to a point where she realized that that was the way he was and no changing him. She stopped nagging him, and etc then magically he started to help a "lil" bit not fully. She said to pick and choose your battles wisely. Is it worth arguing about the laundry laying "beside his clothes basket" or is it easier just not saying anything. My DH is def the same way when we first met I did everything without bitching about it, he paid for all the bills ,and house payment. So I felt that was fair. now we have a house, and I pay some things and get nothing. So in the beginning I already had set the tone, and "spoiled" him. I can't tell you how many times I get pissed off at him, and want to just flip out. But then I somehow refrain... GL
SuperMom2433
by on Apr. 7, 2013 at 11:58 AM
I agree with the previous comment. Choose your battles. My husband is a messy person. When he cooks, hes messy. When he showers, hes messy. He can be sitting on the couch with chips and be messy. He leaves his beer bottles and empty chew cans everywhere. Leaves his messes in the bathroom for me to clean up.

All of this is beyond frustrating but I won't nag him. I might mention something every once in a while, like after I clean the bathroom I might say something like, "I love it when this bathroom is so clean!".
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Anryan
by Platinum Member on Apr. 7, 2013 at 12:07 PM
2 moms liked this

for me i am a stay at home mom so taking care of 4 kids, cleaning house and cooking, etc is my job, 24/7-365 days a year.  I don't get a 'day off' and i don't bitch about it either.  The reason?  because i get time here and there thru the day (at nap times, whatever) when i can take the time to sit down and relax.  I have 2 men in my life, they both work full time.  My DH's SO also works full time.  They keep this family afloat financially and i keep it afloat emotional/home speaking.  These are our roles, i would never say  "i should get a break and men should help"...I am the one who chose to stay home, that is my job.  If i want a break, i find one. 


In my opinion, if a woman chooses to stay at home these are the roles she takes on.  Just like if you take a job, whatever the job description says that is what you have to do , if you decide you don't like the job you go find another one, not bitch because you don't get what you want, when you want it.  If you are unhappy staying home then get a daycare and start working.  Then you will both be working and therefore you both will be forced to take care of the house and kids.  If you both working then he has no choice and you can say "look i work as hard and long as you, man up and do your part of this". 

We choose our roles in life and I choose to be a sahm and take care of 3 other adults and 4 children and i don't whine or complain that they don't help, i don't ask them to help.  I am sorry if this comes off as snarky but it drives me crazy when women decide to be stay at home moms and then complain that thier men don't help....It's like causing a storm then standing outside and saying "shit it's raining"....

Anryan,

Wife to.....

  David    and   Irish

kurmom
by on Apr. 7, 2013 at 8:32 PM
2 moms liked this
In my post I stated that I am a working mom as well as a student. If I were a stay at home mom then I would feel a lot differently about the housework. When he gets home from work, he gets to sit down and relax. When I get home I take of our DD, clean the house and then do homework or go to school.


Quoting Anryan:

for
me i am a stay at home mom so taking care of 4 kids, cleaning house and
cooking, etc is my job, 24/7-365 days a year.  I don't get a 'day off'
and i don't bitch about it either.  The reason?  because i get time here
and there thru the day (at nap times, whatever) when i can take the
time to sit down and relax.  I have 2 men in my life, they both work
full time.  My DH's SO also works full time.  They keep this family
afloat financially and i keep it afloat emotional/home speaking. 
These
are our roles, i would never say  "i should get a break and men should
help"...I am the one who chose to stay home, that is my job.  If i
want a break, i find one. 


In my opinion, if a woman chooses to stay at home these are the roles she takes on.  Just like if you take a job, whatever the job description says that is what you have to do , if you decide you don't like the job you go find another one, not bitch because you don't get what you want, when you want it.  If you are unhappy staying home then get a daycare and start working.  Then you will both be working and therefore you both will be forced to take care of the house and kids.  If you both working then he has no choice and you can say "look i work as hard and long as you, man up and do your part of this". 

We choose our roles in life and I choose to be a
sahm and take care of 3 other adults and 4 children and i don't whine or
complain that they don't help, i don't ask them to help.  I am sorry if this comes off as snarky but it drives me crazy when women decide to be stay at home moms and then complain that thier men don't help....It's like causing a storm then standing outside and saying "shit it's raining"....


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furbabymum
by Gold Member on Apr. 7, 2013 at 10:30 PM
3 moms liked this

"Hey babe you can either give Leo a bath or vacuum." - That's how I handle things. Also, I'm a shrew so I don't give him an option to help me. He helps me or I make his life miserable. I do give him options on HOW he helps me so he feels like he has some power, but he's helping.

When I was pretty sick with this pregnancy I just went into our room and shut the door. My DH came in and asked, "Leo's still awake?" I laughed and told him that's why I was married and shut the door on him. Somehow he managed. Men!

weaveress
by Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 1:35 AM
1 mom liked this

I hate to hurt feelings, but bluntly. Either suck it up or leave him. Men do not change. 

Krysden
by Platinum Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 6:56 AM

Here's a link to a good article: What Shamu Taught me about a happy marriage  I don't know if it will work in your case or not but it might be worth a shot.

chillemi78
by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 7:04 AM
The first response makes a good point. If he is a messy person, you can't expect him to change. Yes, other life changes have happened, kids, school, etc, but that doesn't mean his personality should change to go with it. Pick your battles, decide what areas you really need help with, ask for it and move on.
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Acid
by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 7:44 AM

He was probably like this before you married him and definitely before you decided to have two children.

He didn't change over night.  You probably ignored them and hoped he would change when kids came along.

The reality is, he won't change, and you're stuck with a manchild.

Make the best of it and hope that one day he wakes up sees what you're going through.

I wish I could offer more than this..but, I made sure I chose a guy who wasn't a pig and didn't think his job stopped once he got his willy wet.


Acid
by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 7:49 AM
3 moms liked this

I also chose to be a SAHM...the poster didn't however.  She's working and going to school.  So, before you get snarky, you should read the entire post.

Also, the last I checked your poly marriage has two men that are just as capable of helping you to clean, cook and look after the children.  Real men do that.  Real men change diapers, help clean, cook dinner, play with the kids, read stories, take over bedtime and let their wives relax. 

I'm sorry you seem to think that SAHM stands for Slave at Home Mom.  Some of us have more self respect than that.


Quoting Anryan:

for me i am a stay at home mom so taking care of 4 kids, cleaning house and cooking, etc is my job, 24/7-365 days a year.  I don't get a 'day off' and i don't bitch about it either.  The reason?  because i get time here and there thru the day (at nap times, whatever) when i can take the time to sit down and relax.  I have 2 men in my life, they both work full time.  My DH's SO also works full time.  They keep this family afloat financially and i keep it afloat emotional/home speaking.  These are our roles, i would never say  "i should get a break and men should help"...I am the one who chose to stay home, that is my job.  If i want a break, i find one. 


In my opinion, if a woman chooses to stay at home these are the roles she takes on.  Just like if you take a job, whatever the job description says that is what you have to do , if you decide you don't like the job you go find another one, not bitch because you don't get what you want, when you want it.  If you are unhappy staying home then get a daycare and start working.  Then you will both be working and therefore you both will be forced to take care of the house and kids.  If you both working then he has no choice and you can say "look i work as hard and long as you, man up and do your part of this". 

We choose our roles in life and I choose to be a sahm and take care of 3 other adults and 4 children and i don't whine or complain that they don't help, i don't ask them to help.  I am sorry if this comes off as snarky but it drives me crazy when women decide to be stay at home moms and then complain that thier men don't help....It's like causing a storm then standing outside and saying "shit it's raining"....



Only when the last tree has been cut down,
Only when the last river has been poisoned,
Only when the last fish has been caught,
Only then will you find that money cannot be eaten.

— Cree Indian Prophecy

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