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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

i dont know how to help my husband.

Posted by on Apr. 26, 2013 at 6:04 PM
  • 8 Replies
So yesterday dh lost his job as a corrections officer. He has only been there 3wks and they just did the psych eval, he failed it. He was diagnosed with PTSD, tbi causing loss of cognative functioning, anxiety and boughts of mania. The psych would not clear him, told him to focus on school and live of his gi bill. Then at the end gave him his business card.
Dh got out of the army in Nov after serving 6yrs and 3 tours. The only lastingeffects he has are some night terrors and he can't stomach the smell of subway. Nothing else.
He went through all these test when getting out and none of this was suggested, he has no disability raiting.
This cost him a job that he instantly loved and wanted to make.a career. He was even starting to get set up with college for criminal justice.
Anyway he has already been told that with this diagnosis he qualifys with the va for disability.
I'm afraid this is effecting him mentaly more than he is letting on. He told my mom(of all people, they are not close) that he feels like a failure. I'm due in a week(well any day really) with our 3rd child. He is worried how we will stay afloat. I'm going back to work earlier than intended and that makes him feel bad too.
He hasn't really talked to me or been alone with me since he got the official news yesterday morning. He rode his bike around all day then met up with friends to play guitar(it was good for him) he invited them all to our house after. He was asleep when I left for work this morning.
I called him around 12:30 this morning to make sure he was awake(he will easily sleep till2) and he was pretty short with me. I texted him later and again just short.

I don't know how to be there for him with out either coming off as to pushy and worried, or like I am ignoring the situation.
I've told him I don't see him as a failure and that this will all work out like it always does. It didn't seem to be what he wanted to hear though. I'm just at a loss for how to help him!
by on Apr. 26, 2013 at 6:04 PM
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Replies (1-8):
xoxRachelxox
by on Apr. 26, 2013 at 7:20 PM

I would just tell him that you're here if he wants to talk about it and leave it at that.

Mom2wife1
by on Apr. 26, 2013 at 10:46 PM

He needs to go to the va and take this evaluation with him. He deserves some disability! Any proof will help with a claim.

ApathyAngel
by on Apr. 27, 2013 at 12:48 AM

 You will eventually need to sit down and talk about options with him, but for now, leave him be and give him his space.  My fiance is the same way.  If something is really bothering him, he'll pull away (sometimes for a couple of days at a time) and just not really talk much to me.  Then, after he's come to grips with what's bothering him, he'll approach me and he'll be the one to start a conversation.

Men are strange, strange creatures.  They deal with emotional and mental things very differently than we do.  Pushing him to talk about it might end up making him pull away even more.  Just don't worry about it until he's ready to talk about things.  In the meantime, keep conversations light and let him do whatever he needs to do.  He'll know that you're there for him when he's ready to talk.

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by Bronze Member on Apr. 27, 2013 at 12:54 AM

There's no easy answer for this.  Be honest, talk to him about how psych evalus are often a based on vague and somewhat open ended questions/answers (really, if they are like other jobs use they're really not that specific) and that maybe it's just the universes (or Gods if he's a religious man) way of giving him another opportunity to go all the way.  Getting the job now would make school more difficult and while he may have enjoyed it it's not what he wants to do as a career.  Encourage him to just roll with it and take it as a blessing.

If on the chance that there is somthing deeper going on with him, keep an eye on him.  Maybe there is more than just what the surface is showing you.

Diatech12
by Member on Apr. 27, 2013 at 10:47 AM

Thank you ladies so much.

yesterday was actually a good day for him I think. I was afraid he was going to sit at home and sleep/mop all day.

He texted me later on about 6pm and said him and my bff were taking our boys to the carnival! I was happy told him to take lots of pics since I didnt get off till 8pm. He told me to meet them out there, they would wait and it didnt close till 10pm. I went out there in he was in a VERY good mood. I think spending some time with the kids did him good. He LOVES rides and connected with our 3yr old who apparently fearless with that stuff.

Afterwords he started telling me about his day. He went to the VA, the main guy had JUST left for the day but the guy under him said he would get disability but that they will absolutly to a second eval for him, as he did all this when gettting out of the military and they didnt find any of this stuff. He got everything set back up with unemployment and still has about 9weeks left on that. He then went to the college and talked to the person that handles all the GI bill stuff, got all his paperwork and the guy told him that if they can get it all in and everything set up by July, he will be able to start in August with his core classes, and will be getting a good BAH rate.

So if all goes right him and our 5yr old will start school around the same time!

We watched a movie together last night and he seemed SO much more....idk, relaxed. He got things figured out and has somewhat of a plan now and I think that helped him move on.

Thank you for your comments, you all are absolutly right. Im still keeping an eye on him, just not pushing talking about it!

furbabymum
by Gold Member on Apr. 27, 2013 at 10:57 AM

Well have him go to the VA and get a real diagnosis. If the VA docs don't believe he has it than he should fight the corrections eval.

Dee0886
by Bronze Member on Apr. 27, 2013 at 11:11 AM

He HAS to see a couselor. It's not ONLY having nightmares and can't stand certain smells...that's PTSD. The military will easily write off people with PTSD because unless its severe they don't want to be responsible for them. I left my ex bc he had PTSD and woulnd't get help. HE was like yours for a little while, then it got so much worse. 

Diatech12
by Member on Apr. 27, 2013 at 11:11 AM


He is going to. Its actually the only place left he can. We live in a very small town and the man hired by the county is the only one they will use unless DH wanted to travel on his own time and dime, 4hrs away for "their" other person. The sheriff did even suggest going to the VA, he was very helpful and empathetic to DH and told him their door was always open, he is in a grey area as he didnt do anything "wrong" he was doing his job very well actually. But they had their hands tied ass all employees have to pass.

He is changing his "career path" (although he will be doing core classes at first) just incase he does not pass the VA eval either. I dont see how he will though. All those things the previous guy diagnossed are just SO left feild when describing DH.

The ONLY one even close to maybe accurate would be TBI as he has been blown up a few times BUT that stuff needs to be tested through MRI/cat scans and motor functioning tests. NOT being asked to repeat a 2 paragraph story verbatum.


Honestly what DH thinks is that this guy saw "previous soldier" added this stuff on(having treated soldiers for 11yrs) and knows the VA will pay for his treatment. Its a sad way to think of someone but after being told he has such extreme things, one can only wonder.

Quoting furbabymum:

Well have him go to the VA and get a real diagnosis. If the VA docs don't believe he has it than he should fight the corrections eval.



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