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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Looking for hope and help

Posted by on Apr. 29, 2013 at 1:19 AM
  • 17 Replies
After 28 years of marriage, I've recently discovered that my husband has a porn/sex/internet addiction. I also now realize that it has been going on for as long as 10 years. A combination of his being very good at hiding it as well as my own sense of denial have led us to our current situation; he has had an affair and now seems so deeply enmeshed in these addictions that our marriage, our children, and even his faith have taken a backseat to them. Over the past several months I have attended counseling both individually and with my husband but it only seems to have gotten worse. I feel alone, devalued, and devastated that this man who I gave my heart to, has replaced me with both real and virtual women. I'm at a point now where I struggle with staying or leaving. We still have children at home - 11, 15,& 17. I'm not asking anyone to tell me what to do, but I feel like I need some help and hope; to know I'm not alone and to connect with other wives who have traveled this very difficult road.
by on Apr. 29, 2013 at 1:19 AM
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Replies (1-10):
earthangel1967
by YVONNE on Apr. 29, 2013 at 3:00 AM

 im sorry hugs Is he getting professional help for sexual addiction or willing to?

YVONNE

kidlover2
by on Apr. 29, 2013 at 9:06 AM
I am so sorry. :(. It is very painful and it is hard to be objective about the situation. It's far easier to blame yourself and to feel like it's your fault that he doesn't find you attractive anymore.... Is he willing to get help? Are you both willing to get good and helpful counsel? Those are the key questions. My exhusband refused to get that help and his addictions eventually turned in to a full blown affair. It had been 3 years and I still struggle with self worth problems and insecurities but the more I talk to other people about it and talk to a professional therapist the more I am realizing that all of this is his issues. I have my very own, but they do not include his addictions. I hope that you come to realize this for yourself. It's a long, hard and painful journey, but so rewarding when you finally see the truth. :) (hugs)
ReadWriteLuv
by Casey on Apr. 29, 2013 at 10:09 AM

Does he want to get better, or does he think he doesn't have a problem?

mystictigeress
by on Apr. 29, 2013 at 10:18 AM

My ex had an addiction to porn as well as other women. I would say he was actually a sex addict, but he refused to see or talk to anyone. His family took a backseat to everything. I found some pretty sick stuff in his lil 'porn' collection, and a conversation with a woman a couple of towns over about the same time. I finally decided I had had enough. I had tried for years to hold my marriage together, for my children as well as appearence sake because I didn't want to look and feel like a failure who couldn't hold it together. When something that major is going on, you just do what you have to do. I finally told him it was over and made him leave. It took some counseling on my part and really good friends and family sticking by me, but I now realize that none of it was my fault and in reality, I probably should have left sooner for the sakes of my children. I didn't realize they knew (the 2 oldest anyway) as much as they knew. They now hate their dad and despise going over there on his weekends, but they go to keep from hurting his feelings. This is a lesson I learned....You can mask your reality for a bit, but you can't hide it forever. Come to find out, some people outside our home knew more about what was going on than I did. Whatever you choose to do, I hope it is what works best for you and your children! Best of wishes to ya!!

christen07
by on Apr. 29, 2013 at 10:51 AM
Thank you everyone for your hugs and support! He has been going to professional counseling for the last few years but it hasn't really worked for him I guess. I've also gone and continue to. We have the same therapist and she seems frustrated too. He sees her again today. Last night he told me he was going to go to an addiction recovery
christen07
by on Apr. 29, 2013 at 11:00 AM
Sorry! Touched wrong button. ;) Anyway he called me to tell me where he was and said he was reluctant sometimes to tell me what he was doing (even though most of the time I've figured it out anyway) but he had gone to the meeting place and couldn't find it. He said he was still looking but I never heard whether he found it or not. All along its been that he's living this secret life that he doesn't want me to be a part of. I've told him how when we married he made a bow with me and God, so when he broke those vows, we are who he should be accountable to but obviously he doesn't see that. I don't know. Its like space aliens came and took my husband and left a total stranger behind. It's developed over many years but this is NOT the man I married!
createive
by Bronze Member on Apr. 29, 2013 at 2:32 PM

Oh my I'm sorry. Has he tried SAA or SA one of the 12 step programs? My DH has been porn free for 6 months and things are so much better it's almost hard to believe how bad they were. There is a group "Wives of Porn Addicts" on CM too which I found quite hlepful during some really tough times.

And there is lots to read and other resources for help for you if you look them up.

Good luck.

christen07
by on May. 3, 2013 at 11:27 AM
Again thanks everyone! Some interesting developments over last several days. On Monday I had lunch with a dear friend who knows both my husband and myself pretty well. She's intuitive enough to tell that something's been terribly wrong. I ended up confiding in her and she was very supportive and helpful. She assured me it did not change her view of my husband which is something important to me; I haven't wanted to go around blabbing about how "terrible" he is. My husband knew I had lunch with her and I know he suspected I had told her about the situation. When I got home he started questioning me about our conversation. I knew better than to tell him and I'm a terrible liar, so I told him to just leave it that I had a wonderful lunch with her and it had been good for me. He said okay but I could tell he thought I had "betrayed" him to her.
I came out to fix dinner and he followed a short time later but was real sullen and terse with me, sometimes not even answering when I spoke to him. Then as I was doing some dishes, I heard this noise behind me. I turned around and he was very deliberately sharpening this huge knife on the island behind me. He had this very grim look on his face. I started getting this very bad feeling but kept pushing it away thinking that I was just being paranoid. But it kept coming back. So I started thinking and praying about what to do. He definitely has had an anger problem in the past but that seemed to have calmed a lot in the last year. I finally decided I should just ask him.
When he finished he went to our room; I went back and asked him if there was some purpose in sharpening the knife so deliberately and publicly. He kind of went a little crazy-asking if I was accusing him of threatening to hurt me. I told him I wasn't accusing anyone of doing anything but that I had had a very uncomfortable feeling about it and so was asking directly if he was thinking of hurting himself or anyone else. Again he focused on whether I was accusing him of trying to hurt me. Finally I knew this was going nowhere so I said I needed to leave for awhile and get some air. During all of this I had tried to remain calm and not raise my voice or get angry. I went out of the room, my son said he wanted to go with me to the store but needed his shoes which were in our room (unfortunately) I went back in to get them and my husband stood in front of the closed door saying I couldn't go out till he had his say. I knew better than to confront that so I just listened to his excuses and finally I responded a little. He seemed to calm down and finally listened - eventually admitting he could see how that would seem frightening, apologized, even hugged me and assured me he'd never hurt me that way. I thought okay, I'll move on water under the bridge.
Next evening, I went back to our room where he was to ask him to pick up my daughter from practice. I opened the door and he was sitting on the bed with the same knife as well as several other knives arrayed on the bed and he was sharpening that same knife!
Okay! Am I overreacting here????? Honestly I need to know if I am!
In the meantime he now is trying to get me to admit that I think he's going to hurt me or the children. He called our counselor and she recommended a 2-3 day "time out" so he is not here right now. I'm not sure what to think.
oahoah
by Member on May. 3, 2013 at 12:13 PM

Hugs for what you're going through. I'm thankful, so to speak, that my husband and I went through this relatively early in our marriage and realize that even now, 9 years "after", it is still a relevant issue for us as far as my trusting him goes. Good luck in getting through this difficult time and deciding what is going to be best for you.

christen07
by on May. 3, 2013 at 12:34 PM
Again thanks everyone! Some interesting developments over last several days. On Monday I had lunch with a dear friend who knows both my husband and myself pretty well. She's intuitive enough to tell that something's been terribly wrong. I ended up confiding in her and she was very supportive and helpful. She assured me it did not change her view of my husband which is something important to me; I haven't wanted to go around blabbing about how "terrible" he is. My husband knew I had lunch with her and I know he suspected I had told her about the situation. When I got home he started questioning me about our conversation. I knew better than to tell him and I'm a terrible liar, so I told him to just leave it that I had a wonderful lunch with her and it had been good for me. He said okay but I could tell he thought I had "betrayed" him to her.
I came out to fix dinner and he followed a short time later but was real sullen and terse with me, sometimes not even answering when I spoke to him. Then as I was doing some dishes, I heard this noise behind me. I turned around and he was very deliberately sharpening this huge knife on the island behind me. He had this very grim look on his face. I started getting this very bad feeling but kept pushing it away thinking that I was just being paranoid. But it kept coming back. So I started thinking and praying about what to do. He definitely has had an anger problem in the past but that seemed to have calmed a lot in the last year. I finally decided I should just ask him.
When he finished he went to our room; I went back and asked him if there was some purpose in sharpening the knife so deliberately and publicly. He kind of went a little crazy-asking if I was accusing him of threatening to hurt me. I told him I wasn't accusing anyone of doing anything but that I had had a very uncomfortable feeling about it and so was asking directly if he was thinking of hurting himself or anyone else. Again he focused on whether I was accusing him of trying to hurt me. Finally I knew this was going nowhere so I said I needed to leave for awhile and get some air. During all of this I had tried to remain calm and not raise my voice or get angry. I went out of the room, my son said he wanted to go with me to the store but needed his shoes which were in our room (unfortunately) I went back in to get them and my husband stood in front of the closed door saying I couldn't go out till he had his say. I knew better than to confront that so I just listened to his excuses and finally I responded a little. He seemed to calm down and finally listened - eventually admitting he could see how that would seem frightening, apologized, even hugged me and assured me he'd never hurt me that way. I thought okay, I'll move on water under the bridge.
Next evening, I went back to our room where he was to ask him to pick up my daughter from practice. I opened the door and he was sitting on the bed with the same knife as well as several other knives arrayed on the bed and he was sharpening that same knife!
Okay! Am I overreacting here????? Honestly I need to know if I am!
In the meantime he now is trying to get me to admit that I think he's going to hurt me or the children. He called our counselor and she recommended a 2-3 day "time out" so he is not here right now. I'm not sure what to think.
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