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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

***UPDATE***I think this may be the end...(sorry so long)

Posted by on Apr. 30, 2013 at 5:45 AM
  • 22 Replies
...of my marriage. 9 years and 11 months.

--Back story:
Dh and I got married the day after high school, I was 18 & he was 20. He had been in the Marines for a year already, (he's still active). We dated for a year before getting married. We both regret marrying so young. I don't regret marrying him, I just wished we'd waited longer. Anyway, I moved to San Diego a few months after getting hitched. Moving in together brought out a whole new different person that neither of us had ever seen. Mind you, we had a long distance relationship while we were dating. I have a huge temper. When were arguing, I tend to be the one that raises my voice and throw stuff and/or slam doors. I realized he wasn't as affection as I thought. But, we pulled through and after 4 years of marriage, we had our first son. Everything seemed to be good. That is until I found out he was confiding to another woman about our problems. An old childhood friend. It got ugly for a while until we started counseling. We only did 3 sessions because he got sent to NC for some training. We never went back. I wanted to but he didn't. Somehow we got over it. We had a second son August of 2011. He left for his second deployment when our son was 4 months old. He came home last July. While he was deployed, he called me to say our next duty station was gonna be Hawaii. We both were excited. That is until we got here last Labor Day. Everything seemed to go downhill fast. We were forced to live out of a hotel for 3.5 months, so imagine how much we got on each other's nerves. He started hanging out with his new Marine brothers and I quickly took a dislike to them, or just one in particular. Our housing got delayed from December move in date to February. At this point, I felt like we were stuck in a rut. Then, I find out on the night of my birthday that he was having yet another emotional affair through FB. I read his messages to her and he commented to her on how beautiful she was and how her soon-to-be ex husband will regret leaving her, he even went as far as telling her that we don't sleep in the same bed anymore. (I was ebfing & co-sleeping with our youngest, PLUS he started sleeping with his cpap machine so it was just easier that way.) So finally I asked him if he still loved me and he said "I'm not IN love with you. That spark is gone." So of course that sent me crashing. I know that notion only lasts a few moths/years but it IS possible to reignite it, with both parties willing to try. He says that my temper has pushed him away from me. That he just doesn't see this going anywhere. I feel like he just doesn't want to be with me anymore and is afraid to say it to spare my feelings. I told him I will not be the one to file for divorce because I'm the one pulling both our weight to make this work. The ball is on his court. Here's the kicker: he is scheduled to deploy this summer to Afghanistan for a whole year! (Totally was not expecting this coming here.) he just told me tonight that sometimes he thinks to himself that I could find someone else that can make me happy. But I told him, I don't need someone else, I want him to make me happy! I don't know what to do or think. To me it seems like he's checked out. But like I told him, if that's what he wants, then he needs to take the next step, not me. I want us to work through it. That's probably just my pride. Anyway, thanks for reading. Any words of advice and /or encouraging words are appreciated. It's 11:45pm and I'm tired.



***UPDATE***

So, we've talked some more. He's flat out told me he doesn't love me anymore (he loves me for being the mother of his kids and he thanks me for that! Wow.) he doesn't see how he could l he could love me again. He also said he'll go with me to talk to the chaplain tomorrow morning, more because I'm asking him rather than he wants to go.

How would you ladies take this? As a glimmer of hope? Or just as a last resort?

I just don't know how we'll be entering this deployment. As a married couple still working on our marriage (and he says he'll only be doing it for the kids) or go into it legally separated. The military will pay to ship our stuff back to my hometown. And whenever he gets back, we'll see where we're both at. I'm at a loss.
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by on Apr. 30, 2013 at 5:45 AM
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Replies (1-10):
USMCwife0530
by on Apr. 30, 2013 at 5:51 AM
Bump!
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lapcounter
by Gold Member on Apr. 30, 2013 at 5:57 AM
2 moms liked this
A marriage cannot work without two people wanting it to. If he doesn't want to do counseling I don't see how it will get better, it sounds to me that he is done.
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3xangel
by Bronze Member on Apr. 30, 2013 at 6:01 AM
2 moms liked this
*hugs* sorry you're going through this. At this point in time the ball is in his court and its up to him if he wants to pull his weight and work on the marriage. It's time to seriously have a heart to heart, put everything on the table, and decide if you two are going to work on the marriage. Individual and marriage counseling will have to be a MUST for you too.

I do not believe that love is a feeling, I believe it is the choice that we make to love and accept another imperfect human being.

I hope everything works out for you.
chillemi78
by on Apr. 30, 2013 at 7:07 AM
1 mom liked this
What about if you get counseling for your anger issues and temper? Yes, it should take both of you and it would be great if he would go to counseling too, but you have admitted that this is a problem that you have and maybe you making the effort to change yourself will inspire him to work with you. Also, you married young and being a military spouse is hard. Reach out for all the support you can get through the military. Spouses groups, moms night s out, even volunteering to give you your own sense of accomplishment. These things while not directly affecting your marriage will make you a bettter wife and mother overall by giving you an outlet and time to relax and bond with other women who may have been through similar situations. Good luck to you.
BKozICan
by on Apr. 30, 2013 at 7:34 AM
1 mom liked this

This. It may also help you as a mother. You think two's and three's are bad? Wait until preteens. They would try the patience of Job. Learn to deal with it now so you can be a better mommy and hopefully stay in the relationship.

Quoting chillemi78:

What about if you get counseling for your anger issues and temper? Yes, it should take both of you and it would be great if he would go to counseling too, but you have admitted that this is a problem that you have and maybe you making the effort to change yourself will inspire him to work with you. Also, you married young and being a military spouse is hard. Reach out for all the support you can get through the military. Spouses groups, moms night s out, even volunteering to give you your own sense of accomplishment. These things while not directly affecting your marriage will make you a bettter wife and mother overall by giving you an outlet and time to relax and bond with other women who may have been through similar situations. Good luck to you.


justpeachy71904
by Silver Member on Apr. 30, 2013 at 7:50 AM
2 moms liked this
Aww my heart aches for you momma. I couldn't imagine. Here you are the mother of his children following him from town to town and he is doing this. Hugs

It is fixable. IT IS FIXABLE. Repeat it over and over. And tell yourself and him divorce is not an option NOT an option.

When my husband and I got married we took that card out of the deck. We said till death do us part. As scary as this is when we stumble upon hard time we will figure out how to work it out, kwim. ? And you will too

Sit him down , find a sitter and talk. No finger pointing. And find out how to bring that spark back. Make a list. Separate for 15 minutes and make a list of what you need and what he needs to fix this marriage. To fall back in love.

Then you swap. And you work and work until one by one you check those off. Marriage is work. It isn't easy

Love isn't easy. It hurts. :( it is hard. But this isn't over. Fight for it. Remind him you deserve respect. No more social networking. Period. From either of you. That's obvious. He isn't capable.

I'm so sorry. Hugs. I'm praying for you to be strong and do this
USMCwife0530
by on Apr. 30, 2013 at 12:30 PM
Thank you for your kind words, ladies. I know I can't give up. But how can I not give up without 'forcing' to stay married to me? I think that's how he'll feel. I will look into counseling for both of us, and for myself individually. I just hope there's enough time before he leaves. Not sure how this'll work out going into a yearlong deployment...
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la_bella_vita
by Bella on Apr. 30, 2013 at 1:10 PM

 I have no advice, I'm sorry but ((Hug)) and good luck momma

ReadWriteLuv
by Casey on Apr. 30, 2013 at 2:10 PM

Well, here is the deal: You can't make him do anything. I'm going to be very honest with you, military wife to military wife. It does you no good to have him file pre-deployment. You need to look out for yourself financially, especially if you are a SAHM. He's leaving anyway, you need to consider yourself separated but have him wait to file until he comes home. That way, your housing and medical are covered and you have a year to figure out what exactly you are going to do, get a job, go back to school, sock back some money and figure out how you are going to support yourself after the divorce. Tell him you are on board with this plan. Who knows, he may change his mind along the way and if so, great, but you need to prepare for the worst. Don't make him file, you are just shooting yourself in the foot financially if you do.

USMCwife0530
by on Apr. 30, 2013 at 6:22 PM
You're right. I have thought about that too. I'd just hate for him to come back after a year only for him to say "I really don't want to be with you anymore." But at least I'll have some financial security, putting away money for that rainy day.


Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

Well, here is the deal: You can't make him do anything. I'm going to be very honest with you, military wife to military wife. It does you no good to have him file pre-deployment. You need to look out for yourself financially, especially if you are a SAHM. He's leaving anyway, you need to consider yourself separated but have him wait to file until he comes home. That way, your housing and medical are covered and you have a year to figure out what exactly you are going to do, get a job, go back to school, sock back some money and figure out how you are going to support yourself after the divorce. Tell him you are on board with this plan. Who knows, he may change his mind along the way and if so, great, but you need to prepare for the worst. Don't make him file, you are just shooting yourself in the foot financially if you do.


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