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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

stress killing my marriage?(long)

Posted by on Apr. 30, 2013 at 11:45 PM
  • 16 Replies
My husband and I have been together 3 1/2 yrs been married 6 months. we have two boys and a year ago i became a stay at home mom. my husband has a DBA installing flooring so we have stress from the business stress for bills stress with the terrible twos and just every day stress.

. i feel like we arent a couple. been on 2 dates in a year kid free for maybe 2 hrs max. i feel like im just someone to take care of my husband like hes a child and im only useful for sex. other then that the 2 or 3 hrs he spends dping something with me and they boys is supposed to be sufficent he thinks. he thinks my lifes so easy staying home its not work to take care of the boys then i cry bc i tell him i feel neglected by him except when he wants sex and he says the quality of the time should be more important then the quanity.

well if you dont treat me as a wife as a partner as someone you love and miss spending time with how do you expect me to act?! im gona be a bitch if you treat me like one!

i resent him in some ways like he goes hunting every winter every weekend for 3 months and gets his time alone i NEVER do anythig alone if i see my friends the kids are with mw i dont get to be just me not a mom and wife just a woman who needs some me time.

i am overly emotional right now he argues and says im ungrateful. i just dont know what to do anymore .... any advice please help!
by on Apr. 30, 2013 at 11:45 PM
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Replies (1-10):
connie45
by Member on May. 1, 2013 at 12:47 AM
1 mom liked this
Sounds like a classic "I make the money I got the power" situation.
Get a job babe. Find your own power. Start with a paycheck and. the self worth and meeting your own needs will take center stage.
MixedCooke
by Silver Member on May. 1, 2013 at 3:15 AM
2 moms liked this

Mother's Day is coming up right?  Tell him that you dont want him to buy you anything, not even a card or flowers or whatever.  Just tell him that all you want for him to do is walk a day in your shoes!  What that means is that you leave him home with the boys alone, he has to do the cleaning, grocery shopping, managing the bills, cooking, naptimes, baths, bedtimes, etc.  I guarantee you that he will understand after that day.

That's how I taught my hubby a lesson and he never says that kind of crap to me anymore.

chillemi78
by on May. 1, 2013 at 7:54 AM
It sounds like you really need to make sure you are taking time to take care of you. It doesn't have to be big stuff, but make sure to do it every day. Get dressed, even when you aren't leaving the house. Do your hair and make up. Take 15 minutes in the morning to enjoy your coffee or tea, even if it means you set the alarm a little earlier. Keep your nails done (I do just my toes, too hard to maintain polish on my hands, but I do file and trim to keep them looking neat). All the little things that show you care enough about you to take care of yourself. And take breaks when you need them. I used to wait for my husband to offer to watch our son (two kids now, but back when we just had one) and it never happened and I got frustrated. I learned to start just telling him. I was still respectful and had some flexibility with plans, and he gave me a hard time at first, but it got better. And if he says he really doesn't have time or is just really difficult about it, hire a sitter. When he starts seeing that you care enough to take care of yourself,
he will start to take better care of you. It won't be overnight, but it will happen. And because it is what he is used to, his attempts at taking better care of you will likely start with sex. Be open to what he has to offer, don't refuse. The better parts will come later, but have patience with him as that's all he knows for right now.
ashbash1616
by on May. 1, 2013 at 8:58 AM
1 mom liked this
thank you ladies! i just recently started doing my hair and make up every day like i did before kids and he was like oh why are you lookin so good must be tryin to meet someone and i told him i needed to have a little peice of me back as a woman! i will def make plans with friends and leave him to his own devices with the kids ... im sure ill be getting plenty of calls/texts from him that day. lol
Serenity7
by Platinum Member on May. 1, 2013 at 10:28 AM

 (((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))

6-is-it
by on May. 1, 2013 at 1:03 PM

First, I'd like to start out with saying thank you for sharing such a painful, personal experience. I'm not going to tell you what I think you should do, but I'd like to share with you what I've learned in my own marriage journey. I've been with my husband for 16+ years, married for 9, and we have 5 children; which I care for at home.

A marriage takes 2, so If there is to be a solution, let it start with you:). Please respond back to me via email if you want to discuss your concerns more openly. vtave73@gmail.com

Be Happy, Be Healthy, Be Love!                                         

Vanessa


muisjes
by Member on May. 1, 2013 at 4:54 PM
let him handle the kids for a morning/afternoon/day a month (for starters) so you van get some me-time shopping/mani/pedi/walk in the parc/ sit on your behind picking your nose/etc. so you can recharge your batteries and be a better wife and mother. Tell him this in a way a man will understand, like: you need t recharge your phone/ service your car/ whatever every once in a while so it can continue to function properly and make you happy.
ashbash1616
by on May. 1, 2013 at 5:12 PM
Thats exactly how i feel run down and drained ... And please no one misunderstand me I love taking care of hubby and kids but everyone needs a break sometimes .... That is a great way to explain it! Thanks for the idea!


Quoting muisjes:

let him handle the kids for a morning/afternoon/day a month (for starters) so you van get some me-time shopping/mani/pedi/walk in the parc/ sit on your behind picking your nose/etc. so you can recharge your batteries and be a better wife and mother. Tell him this in a way a man will understand, like: you need t recharge your phone/ service your car/ whatever every once in a while so it can continue to function properly and make you happy.

MomToovey
by Marianne on May. 1, 2013 at 10:34 PM

 A few things:

First of all, I totally get the not ever going out on dates thing. Last year, DH and I only went out once. ONCE!!! But I don't fret because we have date nights in all the time after DD is in bed. Usually at least one a week. Most of the time it's something simple like snuggling up on the couch with a glass of wine and a good movie. But there are other things you can do, too, like play video and/or board games, cook or bake (yep, at 10pm!), have a candlelit dinner (again, 10pm!), or just talk - some of our favorite topics are remeniscing about the past (which is great to remind yourselves of why you feel in love in the first place), fantasizing about the future, or planning out what you'd do if you won the lottery, LOL! But even if you could set aside just 10 minutes every day for some quality time, it'll help so much. And the more you do it, the easier it'll be to give more time. DH and I aim for at least an hour each day, but usually surpass that.

Another thing I wanted to touch on was your going out for you. Do you have any friends or family nearby who will watch the kids for you for free? If you can't get DH to spend one night with the kids so you can go out, doesn't mean you shouldn't go out. That time out, that time away is SO good for you! You need that time to refresh, reenergize, so that you can return ready to be the best mom you can be!

And finally, stop focusing so much on him and start focusing on yourself. Work on falling in love with you. Whatever that means to you, do it. Maybe it means putting more effort into your appearance on a daily basis. Maybe it means working out and eating right (get the whole family involved - it's good for everyone!). Or maybe it means getting a job or finding a hobby you can really get passionate about. Then, when you can look in the mirror and feel proud of the woman looking back at you, everything else will fall into place!

ashbash1616
by on May. 1, 2013 at 10:55 PM
All of that sounds so amazing in theory but not so well in practice :-( .... hubby has his own business installig floors he works crazy hrs which is why i had to quit my job of 4 yrs bc the amount we paid out wasnt worth me working.

as for the date nights in trust me i try. i get lonely after the boys go to bed do i keep busy by baking bc i love it! and when i say crazy hrs i mean he can work from 6 am until midnight specially commercial jobs like banks stores malls that kinda thing and im used to it bc my dad installs floors (he worked for my dad thats how we met) and he was gone crazyy hrs. i bake everything home made for him and never go to bed until his home even if that means staying up til 1 knowing the baby gets up at 2:30 for bottle and change.

I light candles i try getting to watch movies but bc his job is so labor intense by the time he gets home hes beat and wants dinner and bed. sex is literally a in and out and hes passed out minutes later. And he doesnt get weekends off if theres a job hes there bc he wants to give our kids the best life possible which i understand but i hated my dad for years bc he was.never there to spend time with my brothers and i so i try explaining that he doesnt get it.

As for getting a sitter yeah i could get my mom to take the kids for a few hrs i literally have 4 friends and they all work one has a step daughter whos four so she relates to me but my other friends dont but love my kids. when i want me time its usually to see them and have girl time but everyones on diff schedules which makes everything seem impossible lol. plus i feel guilty asking my mom to watch them so i can have me time bc shes always the one i ask for help and i dont want to over burden her. my mil is no help she has custody of my neice (1yr old) so i end up helping her with my neice but she cant handle 3 kids so im screwed lol
(sorry for it being so long and if there are errors thats a lot to write using my phone)

Oh and thank you girls for letting me verbally throw up on you :-)
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