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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Porn While In a Relationship?

Posted by on May. 2, 2013 at 1:34 PM
  • 21 Replies

I honestly do not know where to start. I guess I've been having some major issues ever since I discovered my boyfriend watches porn (and not just a little of it). I felt (and still feel) insecure and not good enough because of it. I am always ready for him, and every time he wants sex I oblige willingly. But when I want sex... he's too tired or "we can have sex tomorrow". Then he suggests that I'm a sex addict, when I think he's a porn addict. All he ever watches is lesbian porn. I have suggested watching it with him, hooking up with a girl and letting him watch, and even three-somes. He always brushes those ideas aside. The only reason I know he's watching so much porn is because I've been snooping through his computer (yes, call me a terrible person, I'm used to it). I can't help it, and I know it's not right, but I do it anyway. I've even discovered that sometimes he watches porn when he's at home watching my baby! I mean, I'm sure she's taking a nap or whatever, but that still bothers the hell out of me!

I am happy in every other aspect of our relationship. He does so much for my daughter and I, and he's not even the father of my daughter. But I feel that ever since I had her, he's more focused on porn. He also lost his job a few months ago, so I know that's another factor. But we've talked about it so much. I've told him how it makes me feel inadequate and uncomfortable, and then he gets angry and he's "tired of arguing about it" and then it turns into a huge screaming fight, and then he threatens that I'm "not worth the trouble". I feel guilty being angry about him watching porn and him not doing certain things to me in bed (primarily going down on me). I feel guilty because he does so much for us, and I am really appreciative. But it seems that he doesn't care how I feel about him watching porn, and the fact that he doesn't want to include me and isn't open to my ideas is also frustrating.

I guess I just need some damn good advice here. Do I just get over it and let him do what he does? Should I even be upset? Obviously talking has gotten me nowhere. :(

by on May. 2, 2013 at 1:34 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Hottmomma607
by Trica on May. 2, 2013 at 1:52 PM

bump

bry36
by on May. 2, 2013 at 2:18 PM

 personally I could careless about porn but I know everyone is different and maybe yes it would lead to other things for him or become an addictive behavior but I think in most cases thast extreme but of course it happens and to not be aware that it could be more than just watching some porn is healthy to make sure everything in life doesnt take over in that way . But for me no biggy personally I think its kind of hot and  I will even watch too sometimes in no way think he perfers those woman to the one hes got at home

villagemamma
by on May. 2, 2013 at 2:32 PM

I really dont think porn is at all a big deal. It sounds like something that you need to work on together. You need to find out what you need to do to not be so self conscience about something so trivial. My Dh and i watch it together on occasion. It doesnt make him love me or want me any less. in fact it often makes him want me even more.

If it is honestly something that you can not get over you and DH need to talk it over and you need to explain to him why it hurts you.

EmilysMom2010
by Bronze Member on May. 2, 2013 at 2:37 PM
2 moms liked this
Men either watch or they don't. He will never stop. Go find a man that doesn't watch porn.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
kidlover2
by on May. 2, 2013 at 2:42 PM
I don't know... I think it all depends on how men watch porn. My ex-husband was addicted to porn in every sense of the word and was really sneaky about it too. I too never felt good enough. Fast forward to my fiancée. He also enjoys porn once in a while with me. I can't really explain it. It's 100% different. I have no insecurities. It is actually a fun addition to our sex sometimes. I don't know if it's the amount my ex watched, the secrecy he had in watching it, and or we were having marital issues that I kept refusing to look at that kept cropping up in his porn issues. That is something for you and your spouse to decide.
Serenity7
by Platinum Member on May. 2, 2013 at 3:22 PM
1 mom liked this

 The only person you can control is yourself

WonderWomanSV
by on May. 2, 2013 at 3:30 PM
1 mom liked this
He has issues. I cant imagine why he would be so into the porn, but open to your suggestions of adding another chick or of performing the actions he do much enjoys watching. I think this is something you will either have to accept or cut your losses. He's not willing to change.
ApathyAngel
by on May. 2, 2013 at 3:41 PM

Don't worry... Men are visual animals.  Watching porn doesn't mean that he likes you any less.  I would suggest watching it with him.  I love watching porn with my fiance.  And the reason he brushes your ideas off is probably not your fault, but the fault of other women he's had experience with.

Men are so used to women playing games, they always assume that's what's happening.  Too many women have said, "Yeah, we'll have a threesome, it'll be hot!" and then, afterward, completely blow up on their man.  "You thought she was hotter than me!  You kissed her more than you kissed me!  Blah blah blah blah."

I had the same issue with my man the first time I suggested bringing someone else in.  It wasn't until he came home from work on his birthday to find another lady there that he believed I was serious about it.  Before that, he's brush my suggestions off, too.  So that's probably what it would take for your boyfriend to take your ideas seriously.

But don't worry about him watching porn.  And, if he says he's too tired, I would suggest trying to be a bit more forceful.  Push him down on the bed and just have your way with him, and tell him to shut up if he protests.  Maybe that's what he wants.  It's worth a try, anyway.  I hope this helps, and good luck!

lilbit53009
by on May. 2, 2013 at 3:44 PM

i have no problem at all with porn. but the only thing that stikes me as odd in your situation is that he doesn't take you up for the offer to recreate the porn for him.

L72
by on May. 2, 2013 at 4:01 PM
2 moms liked this

Don't be fooled, and I (very respectfully) disagree with most of the other comments (I know, I'm in the minority), about porn being OK, depends on the extent of it, etc.  Simply put, it is a devastating addiction, at least in your boyfriend's case that seems pretty obvious, and it will utlimately ruin your relationship.  Here's why - porn plants the seed in the mind of the viewer, over and over again, of a "third party" in the sexual scheme, instead of just the wife, girlfriend, etc.  Seeds, when properly watered, (like continuing to watch porn), ultimately grow with roots.  So, if a non-monogamous relationship is your style (which I wouldn't recommend, but that's your personal choice), feel free to foster that addiction. But, if you want a monogamous, mature, truly loving and loyal relationship, where your boyfriend chooses to be with only you, then he shouldn't need to see porn to excite him.  Do you want that type of superficial relationship?  The fact that you don't like what's going on means that you are seeking something different than he.  Don't get pulled into his "porn world" of fantasy  - ultimately, they will become reality and you will feel worse than you do now.  You deserve respect, he's not giving it, quite frankly you should move on.   Consider speaking to a marriage counselor or your spiritual advisor, pastor, etc. on this issue.  And, if you haven't done so already, suround yourself with people who will pray for you, and teach you how to pray for situation also. 

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