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Diagnosed with major depression. Is it my marriage?

Posted by on May. 8, 2013 at 5:25 PM
  • 15 Replies
I don't know if I'm struggling with depression from my marriage, or if my depression making me struggle with my marriage.
I've been unhappy with my husband since he first cheated one me August 2010. We were Married April 30 2010.

Everything's gone down hill from there. Lots of time has gone by but I still feel unhappy and deep down I haven't forgave him. I think about it everyday.

At one point I left my husband but missed him and we got back together a few months later. We did counseling, but nothing came of it afterwards.

My husband is a good man, he made a mistake, and hasn't slipped since and you'd think that I should be over it by now and just be happy with my husband. But I'm not. He absolutely devastated me and I see it every time I look at him.

Everyone tells me I should just be happy that I have a good father for my children and a good husband. So why am I not?

What do I do? I don't know if this is really my depression, or if its my marriage causing depression.
by on May. 8, 2013 at 5:25 PM
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by on May. 8, 2013 at 5:31 PM

There is no set amount of time that should pass before you get over something like that. I found out in January 2009 that my dh was having an emotional affair and there are days when I still hurt over it. But overall, my marriage is doing a lot better and I don't look at my husband every day and think "how could he do that to me" (although those thoughts crossed my mind a lot in the first few months). you say that you went to counseling together, but did you go by yourself? because even now, the trust issue isn't just with my husband, it's in myself as well. how could i have not know things were so bad between us? why didn't i confront him earlier when I knew what was going on? things like that. so even now i sometimes second guess myself, but at the end of the day, you have to accept that you can't undo the past, and you can't predict the future. is there a chance he could do it again? yes, of course. but should you live your life around that possibility? no, otherwise you'll never really be happy with him again. 

by on May. 8, 2013 at 6:40 PM
* hugs* maybe you should try counseling again, just you. I'm really sorry, I can't imagine how you must feel. Hang in there and go talk to someone ASAP.
by on May. 8, 2013 at 6:57 PM

I'm in your boat. I am depressed about it all too.  I don't know what to do either... 


by Silver Member on May. 8, 2013 at 7:27 PM

Are you taking any medication for your depression? It can help a LOT. You didn't give any detail about the other woman but don't assume that he ever stopped loving you, men are hardwired to spread their seed around, and I know it sucks and it's hard not to take it personally, but it probably wasn't about you at all. Good luck honey. I agree with the others about individual counseling, it will be good to just vent and say what you want without your husband there.

by on May. 8, 2013 at 8:00 PM

Get counseling for just yourself.  I mean...I've suffered unhappiness...and blamed in on my hubby, but realized, I was just unhappy with me and the choices I've made.  My point need to find what it is that is making you unhappy, talk it out with someone who can help you dissect your mirror...and then face it.

You need to forgive your husband because unforgiveness will fill you with bitterness, but it's more than simply doing it.  Sometimes it can take weeks or months or even years to break through that.  Having someone to talk to, who is neutral, may help you root it out and get on the process of healing.

There may be something deeper...something from your past that has been triggered by his betrayal. this something your dad did to your mom?  Or someone you trusted betrayed you in some way?  Sometimes a current event may bring up unresolved or unforgiven actions against you from a long time ago.  Talk to someone...and be honest to yourself about it. 

Don't feel pressured to have to make your own mind to do it, otherwise, you will resent being forced or expected.

by on May. 8, 2013 at 8:19 PM

Get talk therapy for yourself.

he broke your trust and needs to earn it again. I left my ex for numerous reasons, but one was that he could not stop pursuing other women. I was miserable.

you already have the answer, just look in your heart, take good care of yourself and you will be a good mom.

by on May. 8, 2013 at 11:13 PM

First sentence says it all!

by on May. 9, 2013 at 4:10 AM

 HUGSSSSS I'm so sorry for what you are suffering regardless of the answer to your question. I don't think there is a right or wrong way to grieve thru such a trauma and betrayal. Its good you went to counseling but I agree with the others that maybe you should consider going again whether as a couple or even just for yourself to HEAL with help or both.

As for your question that is a VERY good and understandable question. There are two types of depression and varying degrees of it.... There is the kind that is usually temporary (varying lengths of temporary) that is caused from stress or difficulties or traumas or losses in life) then there is a more organic kind that is an actual physical chemical imbalance in your body and THAT kind you will tend to suffer from depression either all the time OR on and off on and off on and off REGARDLESS of life's circumstances at a time, as a matter of fact you might be depressed even when life is going great and you have every reason to be happy, and doing things that cheer other people up when they are blue like getting some exercise or sunshine or watching a funny movie does NOT help at all. Both kinds of depression can be dangerous especially if suicidal feelings or thoughts come into play.

IF its the chemical imbalance kind you NEED to find the right medication and the right dosages that help, (sometimes you have to make several or more different kinds of med tries and dosage adjustments to find just the right one for you and that is normal) but if its chemical in nature when you do find that right balance you feel like you have a new lease on life, it can be a very dramatic improvement. (I know from my own experience and I was so bad off I felt like no meds would be able to help me I felt like I'd need a brain transplant but now I have quality of life and happiness again )

IF its bc of what happened in your marriage then meds might still help but then instead  of needing them all your life like I do, you'd probably only need them while you go get some healing therapy counseling and work on getting better INSIDE so you can be happy again and then you'd be able to wean off the meds under dr.s guidance (never quit those kinds of meds on your own or suddenly that can be dangerous).

Good luck

PS other people should STOP telling you how you SHOULD be feeling, they are not you and they have not walked a mile in your shoes, be gentle and patient with yourself and if your husband can do anything more than he is already doing to help heal your pain let him know what would be helpful in that aspect and if he truly loves you and is truly sorry he will be happy to help you heal


by on May. 9, 2013 at 4:13 AM
It depends on what caused him to cheat and how did you find out? Was he forthcoming and honest about it? Remorseful? Was he away for a long period of time when he cheated?
by Member on May. 9, 2013 at 9:46 AM

 If you are diagnosed with depression did they not tell you if it was chemical or situational?  Have you tried medication and more counseling? 


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