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Its always gotta be about him. kinda long

Posted by on May. 18, 2013 at 7:07 PM
  • 8 Replies
Ive been depressed lately and it seems like when I need my husband the most, he doesnt care... hes been forgetting his wedding ring lately, which i never think much into because we both take them off when we shower and sleep and sometimes we forget to put them back on, i USUALLY dont care because I trust him and I dont think hes tryin to come off like he isnt married to anyone or anything like that. Well when I get depressed I feel really bad about myself and I wonder why hes with me because I dont see anything great about me. We have to live with my inlaws right now which is partially why Ive neen having a hard time and their idea of funny is joking about my husband having a girlfriend on the side and about us getting divorced, so it gets to me aftera while and my husband jokes about it too even though Ive asked him to stop.

Well the other night, after a particularly hard day, i tried talking to him about how sad i am because tomorrow is my dads 50th birthday and i couldnt be there to celebrate with him and how i missed him really bad, he just turned and kept watching tv like i wasnt even talking, so i left the room and cried in the bathroom for a bit. Later we were laying in bed and i noticed he has some marks on his back which could maybe be passed off as scratch marks, so of course me with the problems Ive been having my mind starts to wander farther than it should. He could tell I was upset so he asked what was wrong and I told him i trust him but its hard not to think about him being with someone else when he leaves his ring at home, has marks on his back, tells me how moody i am lately, doesnt come home right after work, and he and his family always joke about it. He asked me if I really thought Id do that to him and I told him no. I told him that I just think so little of myself that I wouldnt really blame him if he at least wanted to get with someone else, i dont really want to have sex lately anyway. He assured me he wouldnt and i believed him.

The topic trailed over to our current situation and he asked me if i was happy living here and i said no and broke down crying and he just nodded like he wasnt surprised and rolled over. Like he didnt care at all that his wife is having a really hard time. I told him it feels like he doesnt care and he doesnt listen when i try to talk to him. he got mad at me saying he knows what would make me happy but we dont have the money right now so theres nothing he can do and he doesnt really listen because all i do is bitch about his family. So i laid there for hours just crying because i really need him right now, im the most depressed ive been in years and he isnt helping, i dont need him to go buy me things, i dont need a house to go live in, i need him to tell me he still loves me, i need him to care that im crying instead of rolling over and ignoring me. So basically, he turned my depression back around to me and made me out to be a bitch who hates his family and hes tired of hearing it. Which definitely made me feel better about myself...

The next day he was moody before he went to work and after so i asked him why, i by the way was trying very hard to be in a good mood for him. Well he says hes mad because i accused him of cheating. No matter how many times i tell him i wasnt and it has more to do with me hating myself than it does not trusting him. But of course, he had to twist it to ignore the fact that i need him to help me and make it so i feel worse about myself because now Im accusing him and making him mad.
by on May. 18, 2013 at 7:07 PM
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by on May. 18, 2013 at 7:15 PM
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He sounds really unsupportive and the first thing he should have said was that he loves you and doesn't want to be with anybody else. That's not what he said, he asked you instead of answering for himself. That sounds bad. Where is he going after work instead of coming home? Talking about your feelings shouldn't start a fight. Anger is a very common reaction when someone thinks they're being caught in a lie. Talk to him more and find out what's going on in his head that makes him feel like your feelings bother him.
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by Jenn! on May. 18, 2013 at 11:15 PM
Just know it is not normal for a husband to just roll over and ignore you when you are sad & need him. :( he should absolutely be there for you & listen to your concerns. Especially if you are this depressed. The angry reaction is definitely a red flag. Hugs. Hope things get better for you soon!
by on May. 18, 2013 at 11:35 PM
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Your depression sounds severe and your self esteem sounds worse.  You need to seek the help of a therapist to work through your emotional pain, then you can address the issues with your husband and living situation.  I hope you feel better soon.

by on May. 19, 2013 at 10:45 AM
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Hello there, this is my first time to post but I wanted to share something with you that a good (male) friend shared with me. He may not mean to make you feel that way, men are fixers, you have a serious problem and he cant afford to fix it. In his eyes that may be failure on his part, and failure is hard for men to deal with. The inlaws joking all the time may only do it because they love you and feel comfortable enough to joke with you. If they were serious about him finding someone new I honestly dont think they would say anything about it. I hope that you can pick yourself up and realize you are beautiful and this man does love you. You two are in a temporary place right now, his parents. That will change soon sweetie, so just hang in there and try to make the most of it. But just remember you are beautiful and worth it, dont let anyone take that from you. Wish you the best!
by Casey on May. 19, 2013 at 11:46 AM

Not to be terribly rude, but I often find that it's the depressed person that is incredibly needy and makes everything about THEM, not the other way around. 

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by Trica on May. 19, 2013 at 1:45 PM


by on May. 19, 2013 at 10:42 PM

 Why don't you see anything great about you?  Where are these feelings coming from?  How long have you been depressed?  Have you tried to do anything to change it?  I know it's easier said than done, but I'm just curious!

I know you mentioned you can't celebrate your dad's birthday with him (and sorry if I missed this)...Do you live far from all of your family?  If so is that causing you to have problems with you so's family? Or r u just not enjoying living with them? Is there anything in particular they do (besides joke about the cheating)?  Do u think they are joking with you and don't know it bothers you?

Men can get defensive when it comes to their family...I'm not saying he's right, he should have comforted you.  I know in my hubby's eyes his family is perfect and can do no wrong..It annoys me even though I like his family.  When I say something bad about them my dh takes it personal..Do u think he was taking it personal as if it was against him too?

Where does he go after work? 

Why is he so defensive that you asked him about cheating? 

Is it possible you can remind him to wear his ring?  IF he was really cheating do u think he would leave it @ home? I mean anybody can take off their wedding band and stash it somewhere while they're out.

It sounds like you both need to get on the same page.  Including you dealing with your depression and why you don't think there is anything great about yourself.  I'm sure you have some amazing qualities, after all DH wouldn't have married you if he didn't think you had good qualities.  However it's important to LOVE yourself.

Have you told your DH that you feel unsupported?  More than once? I know sometimes my Dh isn't paying attention and he isn't trying to be insensitive...Things just go in one ear and out the other and I have to let him know when something is really serious and I really need him.

GIVING you HUGS...You can get through this!!!!

by on May. 19, 2013 at 10:57 PM

I know with my husband, if he can't fix the problem right now - to him there's no point in talking about it.  Your husband sounds the same way.  

I have to remind my husband that when something is bothering me, even if he can't find a solution, I want to talk about it because talking makes me feel better.  I have sat him down and told him hugs are a good enough solution for right now.  

Also, it sounds like you are severely depressed.  And, not to side with your husband, but you seem like you are needing most of the attention right now, not the other way around. I don't think he's making this about himself - he honestly sounds overwhelmed and frustrated that he can't make you happy.  

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