Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

I'm falling apart with my husband HELP PLEASE!

Posted by on May. 24, 2013 at 11:48 AM
  • 37 Replies

I'm needing to vent about things that are going on in my marriage and I would like all and any opinions regarding this matter.  I'm not wanting to give up on my marriage, but I feel like I'm being taken for granted and I want to gather the strength to sit down and talk.  My husband is a strong headed person and I need to find a non threatening way to discuss things with him. Alternate ways so to speak.  Apparently, my ways haven't worked so far and here's my story.

We met, got married, found out we were pregnant.  Happy happy happy times.  The entire time I was pregnant I worked.  I brought income into our household we had no issues other than he spent his money on himself instead of buying things we needed for our new baby.  I thank God I have family that was there for me to give me things that I needed otherwise I would of been (and still be) S.O.L.... I saved up all my vacation, sick, PTO just so I could still have some money while I was on maternity leave.  I was trying to be the good wife in this case.  Then after a few months I had to quite my job as my baby got sick, and the sitter wasn't the best to rely on.  We moved back to my parents home (they have another house, it was just us) so that I could be a stay at home mom. We made this decision together, might I add. Not too much longer it started to take a toll on our marriage the stress of not having 2 incomes.  My husband makes enough to pay for everything there just wasn't enough for extras or his selfish spending habits.  So, in return it put a strain on us and he kept asking me to find a job.  Just to make myself clear here... I have no problem working at all, my problem is that when I became a stay at home mom, I didn't want to go back to working FULL time, being FULL time mom, FULL time housewife,... I think if you're married the husband can chip in here and there. I didn't want the overload again.  I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, paying bills, taking care of the baby, taking her to and from daycare, doctors appointments, grocery shopping, and I work full time.  I don't mind doing everything but.... if I'm cooking he could play with the baby... take trash out etc. or if I'm going grocery shopping I would like for him to go with us so he can stop complaining about how I got the wrong item for him. GRRRRRR... I am once again back in the situation I dreaded. 

Now, I just started work the beginning of this month so things are just getting back on track as far as the financial part.  While I was going through interviews and such we made the decision to move out of my parents house and move to our own apartment.  In doing so I wanted this new place to be a clean slate a new beginning.  We both agreed.  I unpacked everything got everything set up within 5 days.  That in itself was a huge accomplishment for me.  I then did a drug test that week for my job so I knew I got it! Things were falling back into place.  THEN... after a week of being in our new place we had an argument that he had a lot of clothes missing and where could they be? Apparently that was the straw that broke the camels back.  He then said that it was over between us, that he couldn't live his life the way we had and he was done even if it was the wrong decision... it was the decision he made. He said that I wasn't the best housewife: cleaning, paying bills, organization, etc. Fixable stuff.  As days went by I started the planning of becoming a single mom, how I was going to pay bills, where was I going to live, who was going to watch my baby while I went to work... etc.  I looked up online my cell phone account to see how much it would be individually, my part of the bill, instead of having a family plan.  I don't know from where the idea came but I decided to check his call logs. I never btw felt I needed to in the past. I thought maybe someone was telling him to leave or maybe I could get his best friends number (long distance) and see if he had any advice etc... I noticed a number that was being called a lot. Talking 3-4 hours straight from a city his best friend was from as well.  I called and a woman answered.  She claimed she didn't know him or me. hummmmm... He then called me later to let me know that he knew I called and that she is a friend of his that is married and I had no business calling and I didn't need to stir anything up with HER husband.  OK, and that I needed to be careful that I should know being in the same field of work that he could be talking to a lot of women who are supervisors, and such in the business.  Which is true, but the call logs don't match what he was trying to defend.  One day he got a phone call in the early morning, the voice being very loud, I could hear it was a man.  The man was asking questions and my husband responded just like she did when I called. Funny I said to myself.  My gut told me it was her husband. Which just to add the night before he acted nervous pacing back and forth from inside to outside of apt... Any who, I continued to do EVERYTHING from working to household to baby... then he sat me down and talked with me asking if I wanted to fix our relationship.  I love him and of course I wanted to work it out.  I asked what his reasons were, and he said that it was that we have a baby and I'm a beautiful woman in and out, that he was just frustrated.  So, OK "we're" working on our marriage.  I went to lunch with him a few days later and we went in his car.  I noticed on the floor of the car where i put my feet, there was an envelope addressed to him to his work address, and the return address was a woman in same city where the phone calls were coming/going from.  He said "hand me the trash" and he quickly took the envelope and threw it in the back as if he didn't want me to remember the name and address.  He then later pulled into a gas station to buy something, and I took that opportunity to take a picture of the envelope so that my memory wouldn't fail on me and I could see what that was all about.  I haven't mentioned  the envelope to him, or haven't asked if he's still talking to his "friend".... We have gotten our own bank accounts, own cell phone accounts, etc.  He's been acting very loving and friendly up until last night... his old habits came back.  He complained about the food I cooked, the way I wrote a letter he asked me to write for him, the fact that I put the TV remotes away from his reach, you name it.. it bothered him last night. Everything he had "complained" about that was going wrong in our marriage, he can't now... I've been on top of everything... but what about the issues I have? He's not taking in consideration about what my concerns and issues are.  I am afraid that I can't engage into a conversation without it turning into a fight, or yet, another separation.

I'm being taken for granted, but at the same time, what could it be that he's changing left and right.  He makes me believe he's got plans for our family to build us up, that he loves us, that he's happy, but then he has these mood swings that I'm not sure how long I can keep up with everything.... HELP?!!

by on May. 24, 2013 at 11:48 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
goddiddlyumshis
by on May. 24, 2013 at 11:55 AM
11 moms liked this
Well, first i think the man is cheating with a married woman. it sounds like he wants to end it only if SHE ends it with her husband. they go back and forth and are conflicted- so you're the fall back :( i'd honestly say that your relationship is done- i'm not one to give up, but he doesn't seem stable and i'd want that out of my life. but, its your decision we cant tell you what to do.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
3boysngirl
by Member on May. 24, 2013 at 11:58 AM
1 mom liked this

Seems to me that your his fall back. He isnt working out with someone else and bam he is back to u. I wouldnt take it if he isnt trying to change or willing to work things out with you then its time to separate. U seem like an awesome person and your not doing anything wrong! Good luck hun i think you deserve someone way better then what u have for a husband!

Shelby_Mustang
by Member on May. 24, 2013 at 12:03 PM

The woman he's talking to is 1000 miles away... I doubt that he would move there to be with her or her come here to be with him, and he hasn't tried moving out and he never wanted me to move back with my parents because he said he wants me to live my life without help from parents, that I'm old enough to take care of myself and my daughter with his help of child support. He only was talking to her obviously if she sent something from the other state.... so is that still considered cheating? What if they were talking as friends and getting advice from a married woman to try and fix our relationship? I'm trying to be neutral that's all.

Shelby_Mustang
by Member on May. 24, 2013 at 12:09 PM

Thank you about your comment about being an amazing person... I do try to be a good person, reasonable, honest, loving...etc. but I feel that because I am, I"m being taken advantage on.

Mom2wife1
by on May. 24, 2013 at 12:11 PM

Sorry you're going through this tough situation. Sounds like he has some issues with cheating and lying. If you want to work it out than you should try to get him into counseling. You sound like a very strong woman and don't deserve to be anyone's second choice or treated like you aren't doing anything right. You have a lot on you plate, more than him, and he needs to start showing respect and treating you better.

Shelby_Mustang
by Member on May. 24, 2013 at 12:28 PM
1 mom liked this

Sometimes I feel like he did all this "i'm done" just to push me to get a job quickly because soon after moving out of my parents house of rent free... we were going to have to pay rent.  WIth paying rent I have to work, otherwise we won't make it.  I'm ok with that. I know that I'm too soft with him on chores... I just do it because asking him is like talking to a brick wall... I have thought about saying something like this....(clearing throat..) "As a woman and as a wife from now on, whatever woman you've been talking to (even if its a friend..) it needs to stop. I never disrespected you and spoke to a man while being together with you, married, or separated from you.... and I deserve the same respect.  If I continue doing all housework, cleaning, cooking, taking care of our baby, AND paying bills.... Then its in my best interest to do it all but on my own. 

See my own brother said I need him to have fear... fear that I could leave him one day if he disrespects me like this...

what do you think?


Quoting Mom2wife1:

Sorry you're going through this tough situation. Sounds like he has some issues with cheating and lying. If you want to work it out than you should try to get him into counseling. You sound like a very strong woman and don't deserve to be anyone's second choice or treated like you aren't doing anything right. You have a lot on you plate, more than him, and he needs to start showing respect and treating you better.


 

bcauseimthemom
by Bronze Member on May. 24, 2013 at 12:29 PM

I think you know the answer to this question.  While he is busy being sneaky, pick back up on your plans to figure out how you are going to be able to do it on your own as a single mom.  Will your parents support you... I don't mean financially, I mean emotionally.  I would consult with an attorney, there are many that do the initial consult for free.  Go online and check the child support calculator for your state and see about how much you would be getting.  It really does not sound like staying with this guy is an option unless you are enjoying his games and drama.  I am sure there are other ways you could direct your energy from waiting on this fool hand and foot, being verbally abused by him and being played with like a yo yo.


Take a good look in the mirror and realize that you are worth much more than he is giving to this relationship.  You deserve to be treated as well as you are treating him.  Don't let him bring you down.


Good luck.

Shelby_Mustang
by Member on May. 24, 2013 at 12:35 PM

Could it be that he's just comfortable that I took charge in taking on all the responsibilities? That if I just become a nice but strong person instead of being this I'll just take care of everything?  One of his friends did mention to me without thinking that he misses the strong direct person I use to be... When he wasn't at the apt, he was at his friends house (whom all his friends are married..) and he would even invite me... to see if I waned to hang out... he is younger than me he's 26 I'm 31, maybe its got to do with age?

amberk22
by on May. 24, 2013 at 12:41 PM

I've been there. You should get out while you still have the strength and dignity to go.

Mom2wife1
by on May. 24, 2013 at 12:43 PM


That sounds like a good idea. You should tell tell him that. 

Quoting Shelby_Mustang:

Sometimes I feel like he did all this "i'm done" just to push me to get a job quickly because soon after moving out of my parents house of rent free... we were going to have to pay rent.  WIth paying rent I have to work, otherwise we won't make it.  I'm ok with that. I know that I'm too soft with him on chores... I just do it because asking him is like talking to a brick wall... I have thought about saying something like this....(clearing throat..) "As a woman and as a wife from now on, whatever woman you've been talking to (even if its a friend..) it needs to stop. I never disrespected you and spoke to a man while being together with you, married, or separated from you.... and I deserve the same respect.  If I continue doing all housework, cleaning, cooking, taking care of our baby, AND paying bills.... Then its in my best interest to do it all but on my own. 

See my own brother said I need him to have fear... fear that I could leave him one day if he disrespects me like this...

what do you think?


Quoting Mom2wife1:

Sorry you're going through this tough situation. Sounds like he has some issues with cheating and lying. If you want to work it out than you should try to get him into counseling. You sound like a very strong woman and don't deserve to be anyone's second choice or treated like you aren't doing anything right. You have a lot on you plate, more than him, and he needs to start showing respect and treating you better.





Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)