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Help!! I think I've given up on my marriage!

Posted by on May. 31, 2013 at 7:43 PM
  • 11 Replies
My husband and I have been married for 2 years and we have a 2 year old. We've been fighting alot over the same issue since we've been together. I've mostly changed because, well, i want better for my son. My husband wants to be a professional poker player and I knew this from the beginning. I just thought that he would at least have a plan B if things didn't work out. I told him I'd give him a year to try it out and he's doing that. But the problem is he doesn't have a job. I in no way give him money to play and we don't share bank accounts. He has been living off disability (due to a wrist injury) and getting by. He doesn't work but our son still goes to daycare. My husband still pays his part of the rent and bills but just barely. He has no savings and he doesn't really plan ahead.

My frustration is due to a few things. The poker I don't like but I have accepted it because I gave him a year. However when I ask him what he plans to fall back on he says he doesn't know. I've offered to brainstorm with him and tap into his talents but his attitude is that he doesn't want to work for anyone. Most of his jobs he's gotten into arguments with his supervisor because he's not afraid to voice his opinion. He has a problem with authority.

Another issue is that he's began smoking weed every night for the last month. I'm not into that at all and I don't want my son to be exposed to that. He thinks I'm over reacting, says what's the difference between a person wanting to relax with a glass of wine versus a person who ends their night with a blunt? He doesn't smoke when our son is awake.

I also feel like I am neglected alot of times. For example we just found out we had a miscarriage last Sunday and the following Wedns he asked me if he could go to vegas for the World Series of poker. We had discussed before that he could go before I had the miscarriage but I was dumbfounded that he would still go and so soon after what had happened. I told him no it's too soon and he was fine with it. The thing with my husband is he's a little clueless but he is kind and he does think about my feelings. He wasn't mad when I told him I'd like for him to stay home.

But I can't help but feel that I want more. I think about the future and ive set up a college fund fOr our son as well as life insurance for my son and husband in case something bad happens. only i contribute to these accounts. my husband doesnt have the extra funds to do so. i guess the difference between him and i is that he lives in the moment and i'm a planner. in a way we've helped each other see those sides but i almost feel we are so different that wont be able to make it in the long haul. Am I expecting too much or asking for too much? I know I deserve to be happy but I wonder do I really have it that bad?

by on May. 31, 2013 at 7:43 PM
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Replies (1-10):
IQuitCounting
by on May. 31, 2013 at 7:59 PM
2 moms liked this

You married a child.  Sorry.  He has no ambition, no real concept of responsibility.  I have no sympathy for individulas like him.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying he's a bad guy, I'm just saying that on a maturty level he is falling way behind.  The pot?  Really, that's just another sign.  Now, I'm not against pot over-all, the occasional use of it is moderation is the same to me as alcohol (I live in WA, it's legal here), but doing it every night?  That's too much.  Just as it would be with alcohol.  If he needs it to relax, there's already a dependancy, if in no other way, mentally.  Now, you add in the lack of desire to doing much of anything with his life?  To plan ahead?  Hell, I'm sorry, but if he's home during the day he should be caring for your child.  It's  a waste of money to use daycare, and on top of it, he's the father, HE should be more active in raising your son... not some daycare provider.

Now, does that mean the marriage needs to end?  No necessarily, but I would say if you're actively trying to make your lives better and he's not, and he's not willing to talk about it with you, you've got a problem and if it doesn't change I'd say then divorce can be put on the table.  If he's not willing to work on the relationship, the marriage, the family unit, then you can only try so long and hard before it's your responsibility to your son's and your well being, including your happiness, that has to take center-stage.

People can grow in differnt directions, or sometimes not at all.  It sounds to me like you're growing, moving forward, and he's not.  Arressted development, on an emotional level, can cause a HUGE problem for many people.  I watched my BIL waste his life due to this.  No ambition, no job at 30 (out of work for years), drugs (it started with pot in the evening, then the morning, then all day, then oxy, then eventually heroine), has a kid he swears he loves more than life itself but never stepped up to actually care for him.  Any time he had money he'd blow it on his own personal pleasure (video games, junk food, drugs) and never helped support his son.  Eventually the drugs led him to stealing from his parents (who he lived with for years), being given a second chance... doing it again and disappearing completely.  We haven't heard from him in a month.

My point isn't that your husband is going to end up the same way, not by any means, however, these early signs of a lack of growth as a person can lead to some serious complications for you.  And if at any point it suddenly feels like you just have another kid you're caring for... yikes, it's time to either push him to grow, or move on.

MomToovey
by Marianne on May. 31, 2013 at 10:18 PM
1 mom liked this

 Exactly this. I couldn't have said it better if I tried.

Quoting IQuitCounting:

You married a child.  Sorry.  He has no ambition, no real concept of responsibility.  I have no sympathy for individulas like him.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying he's a bad guy, I'm just saying that on a maturty level he is falling way behind.  The pot?  Really, that's just another sign.  Now, I'm not against pot over-all, the occasional use of it is moderation is the same to me as alcohol (I live in WA, it's legal here), but doing it every night?  That's too much.  Just as it would be with alcohol.  If he needs it to relax, there's already a dependancy, if in no other way, mentally.  Now, you add in the lack of desire to doing much of anything with his life?  To plan ahead?  Hell, I'm sorry, but if he's home during the day he should be caring for your child.  It's  a waste of money to use daycare, and on top of it, he's the father, HE should be more active in raising your son... not some daycare provider.

Now, does that mean the marriage needs to end?  No necessarily, but I would say if you're actively trying to make your lives better and he's not, and he's not willing to talk about it with you, you've got a problem and if it doesn't change I'd say then divorce can be put on the table.  If he's not willing to work on the relationship, the marriage, the family unit, then you can only try so long and hard before it's your responsibility to your son's and your well being, including your happiness, that has to take center-stage.

People can grow in differnt directions, or sometimes not at all.  It sounds to me like you're growing, moving forward, and he's not.  Arressted development, on an emotional level, can cause a HUGE problem for many people.  I watched my BIL waste his life due to this.  No ambition, no job at 30 (out of work for years), drugs (it started with pot in the evening, then the morning, then all day, then oxy, then eventually heroine), has a kid he swears he loves more than life itself but never stepped up to actually care for him.  Any time he had money he'd blow it on his own personal pleasure (video games, junk food, drugs) and never helped support his son.  Eventually the drugs led him to stealing from his parents (who he lived with for years), being given a second chance... doing it again and disappearing completely.  We haven't heard from him in a month.

My point isn't that your husband is going to end up the same way, not by any means, however, these early signs of a lack of growth as a person can lead to some serious complications for you.  And if at any point it suddenly feels like you just have another kid you're caring for... yikes, it's time to either push him to grow, or move on.

 




I'm training for a half marathon! If you'd like to follow my progress from an "All hope is lost" couch potato with a bad knee to a marathon runner, "like" my Page!

LadyVan
by on Jun. 4, 2013 at 1:24 AM
Thanks IQuitCounting for your lengthy reply. You are absolutely right, these are things I've known all along but needed to hear/ see it from someone else. I hate to be pessimistic but when issues have been brought up without any change, not even baby steps, it gets old real fast. My husband is a good person but you are right he is a kid in a grown man's body. He's forty for god's sake. And if he hasn't shaped up yet he's probably not going to. I guess at this point it's up to him to change because I'm tired of trying and asking anything of him. I've brought up going to see a counselor and he was open to it. I know I'm not an angel but he's going to not like being called a dead beat. It's just really irritating to be the only person in this relationship trying to make a better future for our family and I know I can't control someone else's actions but I damn we'll can control mine. At this point I am focusing on our son and if my husband wants to meet us halfway then that'd be great but I'm not holding my breath. Much love for the response and advice!
deadlights86
by Emily on Jun. 4, 2013 at 1:47 AM

I agree

Quoting IQuitCounting:

You married a child.  Sorry.  He has no ambition, no real concept of responsibility.  I have no sympathy for individulas like him.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying he's a bad guy, I'm just saying that on a maturty level he is falling way behind.  The pot?  Really, that's just another sign.  Now, I'm not against pot over-all, the occasional use of it is moderation is the same to me as alcohol (I live in WA, it's legal here), but doing it every night?  That's too much.  Just as it would be with alcohol.  If he needs it to relax, there's already a dependancy, if in no other way, mentally.  Now, you add in the lack of desire to doing much of anything with his life?  To plan ahead?  Hell, I'm sorry, but if he's home during the day he should be caring for your child.  It's  a waste of money to use daycare, and on top of it, he's the father, HE should be more active in raising your son... not some daycare provider.

Now, does that mean the marriage needs to end?  No necessarily, but I would say if you're actively trying to make your lives better and he's not, and he's not willing to talk about it with you, you've got a problem and if it doesn't change I'd say then divorce can be put on the table.  If he's not willing to work on the relationship, the marriage, the family unit, then you can only try so long and hard before it's your responsibility to your son's and your well being, including your happiness, that has to take center-stage.

People can grow in differnt directions, or sometimes not at all.  It sounds to me like you're growing, moving forward, and he's not.  Arressted development, on an emotional level, can cause a HUGE problem for many people.  I watched my BIL waste his life due to this.  No ambition, no job at 30 (out of work for years), drugs (it started with pot in the evening, then the morning, then all day, then oxy, then eventually heroine), has a kid he swears he loves more than life itself but never stepped up to actually care for him.  Any time he had money he'd blow it on his own personal pleasure (video games, junk food, drugs) and never helped support his son.  Eventually the drugs led him to stealing from his parents (who he lived with for years), being given a second chance... doing it again and disappearing completely.  We haven't heard from him in a month.

My point isn't that your husband is going to end up the same way, not by any means, however, these early signs of a lack of growth as a person can lead to some serious complications for you.  And if at any point it suddenly feels like you just have another kid you're caring for... yikes, it's time to either push him to grow, or move on.


justpeachy71904
by Silver Member on Jun. 4, 2013 at 5:38 AM
1 mom liked this
I'm so sorry. :( you need to put your foot down and tell your husband to grow up. The drugs need to stop. First of all it is illegal. Second of all he isn't working, where does he get the $ to pay for it?

I'm so sorry
CrossStitchMum
by on Jun. 4, 2013 at 6:29 AM
1 mom liked this

The drugs would be the deal breaker for me instantly. ((Hugs)) Stay strong mama :)

IQuitCounting
by on Jun. 4, 2013 at 6:58 PM

40?  Wow, yes, definately time to grow up.  There's a point in everyone's life where our dreams of being rockstars, movie stars, poker stars... etc., have to either pay off, or become hobbies while we find something else that pays the bills.  It's a fact of life.  Unless he only had himself to care for, in which case who cares, but he doesn't and it's time to man up.

Don't feel bad, as long as you tried you have nothing to feel bad about.  But definately set yourself a strict time line of getting your own happiness in check.  If your husband isn't willing to help contribute to that happiness, there will be someone else that will.

Quoting LadyVan:

Thanks IQuitCounting for your lengthy reply. You are absolutely right, these are things I've known all along but needed to hear/ see it from someone else. I hate to be pessimistic but when issues have been brought up without any change, not even baby steps, it gets old real fast. My husband is a good person but you are right he is a kid in a grown man's body. He's forty for god's sake. And if he hasn't shaped up yet he's probably not going to. I guess at this point it's up to him to change because I'm tired of trying and asking anything of him. I've brought up going to see a counselor and he was open to it. I know I'm not an angel but he's going to not like being called a dead beat. It's just really irritating to be the only person in this relationship trying to make a better future for our family and I know I can't control someone else's actions but I damn we'll can control mine. At this point I am focusing on our son and if my husband wants to meet us halfway then that'd be great but I'm not holding my breath. Much love for the response and advice!


drivenleonian
by on Jun. 5, 2013 at 2:49 PM
1 mom liked this
You seem to be incompatible. No job, drugs, no emotional support PLUS he wants to go to the World Series of Poker in a couple weeks.
I hope you start thinking of divorce for the best interest of you and your child.
I don't think counseling is for everyone, but if you want to save your marriage that's a good place to start.
ReadWriteLuv
by Casey on Jun. 5, 2013 at 2:54 PM

Well, your biggest problem is that you married someone who wants to do something extravagent as opposed to someone who has a job. That right there should have been huge red flashing STOP lights in your head. The biggest problem with this though is that all of this is your fault. Yes, I said your fault. You went into this willingly. You knew that this was his lifestyle. You knew what you were getting into, and you did it anyway. You looked at a huge pile of poo and saw a diamond in the rough, when in truth a pile of poo is just a pile of poo. Now, the question is what are you going to do about it?

raegan1221
by on Jun. 5, 2013 at 3:02 PM
Very well said and very valid points. I couldn't agree more.

Quoting IQuitCounting:

You married a child.  Sorry.  He has no ambition, no real concept of responsibility.  I have no sympathy for individulas like him.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying he's a bad guy, I'm just saying that on a maturty level he is falling way behind.  The pot?  Really, that's just another sign.  Now, I'm not against pot over-all, the occasional use of it is moderation is the same to me as alcohol (I live in WA, it's legal here), but doing it every night?  That's too much.  Just as it would be with alcohol.  If he needs it to relax, there's already a dependancy, if in no other way, mentally.  Now, you add in the lack of desire to doing much of anything with his life?  To plan ahead?  Hell, I'm sorry, but if he's home during the day he should be caring for your child.  It's  a waste of money to use daycare, and on top of it, he's the father, HE should be more active in raising your son... not some daycare provider.

Now, does that mean the marriage needs to end?  No necessarily, but I would say if you're actively trying to make your lives better and he's not, and he's not willing to talk about it with you, you've got a problem and if it doesn't change I'd say then divorce can be put on the table.  If he's not willing to work on the relationship, the marriage, the family unit, then you can only try so long and hard before it's your responsibility to your son's and your well being, including your happiness, that has to take center-stage.

People can grow in differnt directions, or sometimes not at all.  It sounds to me like you're growing, moving forward, and he's not.  Arressted development, on an emotional level, can cause a HUGE problem for many people.  I watched my BIL waste his life due to this.  No ambition, no job at 30 (out of work for years), drugs (it started with pot in the evening, then the morning, then all day, then oxy, then eventually heroine), has a kid he swears he loves more than life itself but never stepped up to actually care for him.  Any time he had money he'd blow it on his own personal pleasure (video games, junk food, drugs) and never helped support his son.  Eventually the drugs led him to stealing from his parents (who he lived with for years), being given a second chance... doing it again and disappearing completely.  We haven't heard from him in a month.

My point isn't that your husband is going to end up the same way, not by any means, however, these early signs of a lack of growth as a person can lead to some serious complications for you.  And if at any point it suddenly feels like you just have another kid you're caring for... yikes, it's time to either push him to grow, or move on.

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