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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Ladies with a spouse who is never home due to work EDIT PLEASE READ

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How do you keep your marriage healthy and in a positive space when you mate works away from home most of the week?  I knew there was something going on, but i couldn't put my finger on it.  On fathers day he asked for a divorce.  He said he isn't happy with himself and he cant focus on us until he is happy with him.  He said it would be selfish for him to ask me to wait for him.  I am more than willing to fight for my marriage, but i cant fight alone.  He said he doesnt want to do counseling, because he wont be into it.  Early Early this morning I asked him was he sure this was what he wanted, i asked him did he want to try a separation to give him to to himself, he agreed.  Apart of me feels like he agreed just for me, i will speak to him about it, i want him to do it because he wants to, not just for me.  I Love my husband and would love for us to make it through it.  I wont give up on us, if he wont.  We have decided after a few break downs this morning, loads of tears from the both of us and then calmly talking we are going to take a step back and evaluate see what changes need to be made, while growing, and taking our relationship day by day.  We are also going to meet with our pastor.

by on Jun. 16, 2013 at 5:46 PM
Replies (41-50):
mrsfitz05
by Bronze Member on Jun. 17, 2013 at 9:55 AM

 

Quoting Verrine:

Woah. This is a big deal. I know you're overwhelmed that he went straight to divorce. I don't understand why a separation would help if he's already away from you and the kids most of the week. To me that's giving up anyway.

So, he's 26 and has an 8 year old. He's been a married man his whole adult life. He didn't get a chance to figure out who he was as a grown-up before becoming a family man. Now, he's away from home much of the week and he might be thinking what fun he can have (if he isn't doing it already).

Or, he could be clinically depressed since he says he isn't happy with himself. A lot of men have too much pride to admit to that. It's ridiculous to throw a marriage away over that though.

I think you need to talk with him. He needs to take a few days off work and you guys get a sitter and talk calmly about what is going on in his head. From the factual side, what does he think his life will be like if he gets a divorce? How is that going to make him happy? My big problem here is that he has an infant with you. He's going to have to pay child support and co-parent with you for the next 17 years. How happy is that going to make him?  

 I agree with this. He's either depressed or he wants to be single for a reason. I maintain a theory that men almost never leave a marriage or live-in relatinship unless they already have someone else (sleeping with them) or know where they are going to get someone else (have an emotional connection with someone).

Thoughts and prayers for you and your whole family. This will be a tough time, but you guys really need to talk through the practicalities of it all. Discuss exactly what the separation means...just living apart? Is he free to date? will he reconsider counseling later? Don't leave yourself hanging for all eternity waiting on him to get it together. You need a lot of boundaries!

Bethany

'Never be ashamed of the indignities to which love may someday reduce you. Worry instead that you may never love so deeply as to risk the ridicule of your countrymen" Roger Elwood

AJ-47
by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 10:02 AM
I'm really sorry to hear that. I hope you guys can work through it.
Hubs works a lot (10-14 hour shifts most of his work week), and is gone for a week every month to two months. We talk on the phone on his way home, and he spends all of his time off with our Son and I. After our Son goes to bed every night, we spend at least a few hours together; shower, sex, talking, reading, watching TV/movies..we've never had a super great marriage, but not enough time together or as a Family isn't (and has never been) the problem.
RomeosLover
by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 10:09 AM
My dh works 70+ hours a week. He leaves before the rest of us are up for the day and he comes home about 6:30 pm; 6 days a week. It's hard sometimes but he works for us. He works so I can stay home with the kids. When I feel it straining us I step up and keep it together. I'll put the kids to bed 30 mins early and we'll watch a movie together. We rent a movie on Sat nights and stay up (a little, lol) later. We shower together on Sun mornings. We text all thought the day... usually just an "I love you" or "I miss you"... he's really busy so we rarely talk while he's at work. I take him lunch if I'm in town or just stop by to give him a kiss real quick.

It's mostly little things that I do. We don't do date nights or vacations together. Although he makes enough for me to stay home it's not enough for vacations, lol. We also have three kids and the baby still nurses so, yeah, we ALWAYS have him with us.
zboys
by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 10:33 AM

: (  HUGS

MagicTemptation
by Christina on Jun. 17, 2013 at 10:36 AM
1 mom liked this

I think maybe he needs to slow down a bit. I'm not going to jump to saying there is someone else. I don't know him. Look at things from his angle. He works alot. He married young and had children young. Maybe he didn't have time to find his own identity. We are more than workers, provider, husband, wife, mother, father. We are our own individuals as well. Sometimes we tend to forget that in the chaos of everything else. He didn't say he wasn't happy with you or ya'lls life, but himself. I know if I am feeling lost with my identity I get depressed and that affects everything.  

He has to work on making himself feel better  in order to be a better father and husband. I understand that. Ask him to reconsider the counseling. It can be demeaning to a strong man to admit he needs help. Most men in general do not like the idea of talking about their problems. Maybe he can cut some of his hours. If money is an issue maybe you can work part time to make up the difference. Cut out some non necessities. Give him time to reconnect with himself. It isn't selfish to want to take care of yourself. If what he said to you is true, it seems more like he wants a divorce not because he doesn't love you, but because he doesn't want to bring you and the kids down. 

Hottmomma607
by Trica on Jun. 17, 2013 at 10:36 AM
Sorry you're going through this! ((Hugs))
miss_AP
by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 10:37 AM

It was a major contributing factor to my divorce.....so.....but it wasn't so much that he was physically away from home...but that he was never mentally/emotionally present. I could handle the long hours, it let me do my thing and raise my kids without interference....but when he WAS home he was never present and with us. It was like having a very large, stinky, messy roommate that is incredibly demanding and selfish.

I'm sorry you are in the position you are in.....I have mixed feelings about counseling. We tried twice. He had such a bad attitude about it, it never had a chance of being successful. He wouldn't show up, and when he did he wouldn't participate. However, I also think thatt even if you are resistent to counseling it eventually grows on you and you become less resistent. Maybe he would be willing to  consider counseling on his own instead of with you....if it really is about him (which I understand.....that was the entire reason I went to counseling) it could be very beneficial in helping him figure out what he wants/needs and how to get it. If you need some support and advice, we've got a great group of gals over in "Untying the Knot" group :)

SunnyDayz-Ahead
by Member on Jun. 17, 2013 at 10:41 AM
A marriage will not work if both sides are not willing to make it work, it sounds as if maybe he has been seeing someone else while he is away (hence the mention of divorce out of the blue) and only agreed to a trial separation to get you off his back until he is strong enough to say the divorce is final. Sorry. GL.
EarlGrayHot
by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 10:54 AM
1 mom liked this

He's lying.  He's having an affair and is trying to get out of hid marriage by whining about how he doesn't like himself, etc..  Get a lawyer and get a PI to follow him to find out the truth.  Or, if you have the wherewithall, do it yourself.  Sorry.  Don't believe him.

CitraBlonde
by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 11:01 AM

We aren't married, but we have lived together for long enough that we pretty much are (we share finances, own a house, bought cars together, etc). My boyfriend works in EMS and works48, sometimes 72 hour shifts each week. It is really hard, and has sometimes put a big strain on our relationship, especially when he was going through medic school (he just finished). There were many times I thought we wouldn't make it. We've had some pretty big fights, but we always manage to get through it. When you are really truly in love, and a good match, it just works out. You know that you don't need to see them 24/7 to have a healthy relationship.

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