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Devastated. Do we change our sons middle name?

Posted by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 1:38 PM
  • 8 Replies

Our 1 month old baby's middle name is my BIL's name. DH is filipino, is the youngest of 3 boys and his brother (the middle child) is very mentally challenged. He is in his late 30's and I have never met him because DH and his oldest brother came over from the Phillipenes in the early 90's but this other brother was left with the father meant to come to the states later..

Anyway, Dh has a soft spot for that brother because of his mental state and always wanted to name his son after him, so we used his name as our sons middle name. Well, yesterday DH got a call from his mother that his brother in the P.I. is in jail for sexually molesting his 5 year old cousin. I went ballistic and told DH we are changing our sons middle name. I was molested at the same age and will now always connect my sons middle name to a child molester. And it really bothers me. Dh is so torn. I feel bad for him. He loves his brother and keeps saying he didn't know what he was doing but at the same time, if it were our daughter, he'd kill him. He's so conflicted and I know my initial reaction of anger didn't help him. After I calmed down we talked and I told him I understand his feelings but I really can't live with my son having the name of a child molester no matter how mentally challenged he is. 

I think it's to the point where his brother knows right from wrong but is unaware of the long term effects something like this can have on a child. I was lucky enough to get counseling and overcome it but I don't think his family has the means to get this little girl the help she's going to need. 

How would you feel? Would you want to change the name? It's a common name but even though it's common it's still in my mind that this man did something horrible, and I'm not comfortable with it. DH agreed to have it changed but I think it's only because I pushed so hard for it and he knows about what had happened to me so he doesn't want to defend it. Do you think I'm overreacting?

by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 1:38 PM
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Replies (1-8):
by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 1:45 PM


by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 1:48 PM
I don't think you're over reacting at all. If your son was older, I'd say you were, but the baby doesn't know what his middle name is. He will however ask you where his name came from one day.
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by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 1:54 PM

i would feel the same way you do... change the name...

by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 1:58 PM
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I think you are over reacting.... his brother is mentally challenged. Granted he's in his 30's but you have to find out his mentality level. It could be that of a 8yr old or 10 yr old. Not that it's right either way. Mentally Challenged people have a whole different way of thinking that society has no clue how to handle. 

by New Member on Jun. 17, 2013 at 2:03 PM

My dh would agree to change the baby's name in a heart beat.

by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 2:07 PM
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It's just a name.  I think you over reacted.

by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 2:18 PM

I think your feelings are your feelings and no one can convince you or tell you to change your feelings until you are ready.  But what about a compromise. Your son can  have the same initial but not name.  So like is the name is John you could change it to Jordan.         JMO

by Marianne on Jun. 17, 2013 at 3:41 PM

 I don't know how I'd feel in a situation like this, but considering the fact that you were also molested as a child, I totally get what you're saying. I think I agree with you, especially if every time you hear your son's middle name, you're going to think of a child molester.

I'm so sorry.

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