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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Husband joined a dating site?! ..Another Update..

Posted by on Jun. 22, 2013 at 7:08 PM
  • 149 Replies
1 mom liked this

Yesterday I realized that my husband has my passwords for EVERYTHING. I don't mind. I'm not hiding anything. Then I was thinking about how I don't know his passwords for anything. So I asked him for his passcode on his iPod. He's always playing on there so I just wanted to look at it. Please note that I trusted him and wasn't really snooping, he was sitting right next to me and we were talking like normal. I opened his email to see if he had recieved an email survey from the car dealership (we just bought a new car). Instead I found emails for notifications on an adult dating site!!! This is site made specifically for people to just meet up and have sex. At first I thought "okay its just spam" but then there were the emails saying "thank you for joining!" and "heres your new password!" WHAT??? When I asked him about it, he denied it of course. But the proof is all right there. I went onto his profile and it has our new location (we just moved here in january) and saying he wants a "discreet relationship"

I don't know what to do!!!! I thought our sex life was great so I don't know why he needs it from someone else? We are happy and do things together and as a family all the time. I'm blown away by this!

Advice??

Should note: In comments, I mentioned that I actually looked at the profile and it was definitely him. Also, he admitted to making it but said it was to find a sperm donor for me (long story short, we want to have another baby but his ex had him get a vasectomy) 


UPDATE:


He is still saying he went on there to find a sperm donor. BUT he starts therapy today (he actually wants help) and starting next week I will join him. (it has to be done this way because his job says so) 

I know that vasectomy's can be reversed. We've looked into all of our options and from what we heard from the doctor, it would make it about a 30% chance and about $15k. So we still arent sure. However, after all of this, a baby is the absolute last thing on my mind. We need to work on our marriage first.

We have not had any fidelity issues in the past. I honestly don't think he has cheated yet but was "planning to". I feel like we can work through this, but it will take counseling and time. Not to mention my trust has been shattered. 

In the past, with boyfriends, cheating was a deal breaker and I would be out of that relationship quick! I love my husband and this is the first time I've considered not leaving a cheater. We will see how counseling goes and if I feel it's time to leave, then I will. Or if it ever happens again, then I will leave.

Thank you everyone for your advice!! 


UPDATE 2:

To try to answer most questions..

No, he did not list himself as looking for a man. Which is why I know that story is bogus. 

He has kids from a previous marriage and I have one from before too. We want a baby together.

And again, it wasn't just spam. I saw his profile and he admitted to making it. 

He also admitted it wasn't because he was looking for a profile! FINALLY. 


by on Jun. 22, 2013 at 7:08 PM
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Replies (1-10):
hunnybunny2001
by on Jun. 22, 2013 at 7:13 PM
Oh gosh.. that's a hard situation. Have you talk to him about it? I mean a let it all out don't take lies for an answer conversation?
Lindalou907
by Bronze Member on Jun. 22, 2013 at 7:18 PM
5 moms liked this

He's a cheater, doesn't mean he doesn't love you and your family, it means he wants multiple partners. I'm so sorry, that must have hit you like a ton of bricks. Get yourselves to a counselor asap.

charley31
by Bronze Member on Jun. 22, 2013 at 7:30 PM
2 moms liked this
Im sorry you must be crushed. If you want to move forward with him and work on trusting him again do counseling. .if he wont do it then theres even bigger issues. My husband and i hit a rough patch he wasnt cheating but i told him counseling or i didnt see us making it thro the rough patch. He went with me and we are better than ever. Either way if you leave or stay its your choice no one can judge you either way but girl if I were you id call my dr and get a full check for stds. Good luck and again im sorry for what youre going thro.
mandy_wtf
by on Jun. 22, 2013 at 7:55 PM
9 moms liked this

I have tried talking to him about it and he's still in denial. We made an appointment for a counselor on Tuesday. I'm completely devastated and I feel sick thinking about it. I will be making an appointment with my Gyno on Monday to be sure I'm clean.

mp0264
by on Jun. 22, 2013 at 9:08 PM
1 mom liked this

 That's awful. I'm so sorry. Glad you scheduled a doctor's appointment!

mama23brie
by on Jun. 22, 2013 at 9:19 PM
5 moms liked this
Holy crap i'd flip. Probably some sort of bodily injury would have occured. But i'm crazy. You handled this very well. I'm so sorry you're going thru this. I hope the counseling will help. Good luck.
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kurmom
by on Jun. 22, 2013 at 9:22 PM
Okay, I used to get emails from this weird dating site JUST like that! It would say I was a member etc, but it was really a scam to get me to join. Try to get into the profile to see what's up, it could be exactly the kind of weird crap I used to get. DH had to help me get off their email list.
kurmom
by on Jun. 22, 2013 at 9:24 PM
2 moms liked this
Also, it had my pic and address on it. It was really creepy and a huge violation. DH believed me and it didn't cause us any problems bc when he looked into further there was no activity etc on it. I hope for your guys sake it is the same thing :(
pittymama
by Silver Member on Jun. 22, 2013 at 10:39 PM
1 mom liked this

my DH used to get adult friend finder emails and i flipped the first time i saw it in his email (we were only dating). he let me see the emails and they were asking him to join, not that he had a profile. can you find out if he has a profile? maybe click on the emails and see exactly what they say? 

Quoting kurmom:

Okay, I used to get emails from this weird dating site JUST like that! It would say I was a member etc, but it was really a scam to get me to join. Try to get into the profile to see what's up, it could be exactly the kind of weird crap I used to get. DH had to help me get off their email list.


villagemamma
by on Jun. 22, 2013 at 10:45 PM
1 mom liked this

Yuck i am really really sorry. As of right now you dont know if he has actually done anything. He may have just been testing the water (not saying it is right but definitely easier to get over then him actually cheating). I would try and have a serious heart to heart with him. Find out why he is feeling like he needed to do this. I cant imagine how much this hurts I really do hope for the best for you.

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