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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Husband joined a dating site?! ..Another Update..

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Yesterday I realized that my husband has my passwords for EVERYTHING. I don't mind. I'm not hiding anything. Then I was thinking about how I don't know his passwords for anything. So I asked him for his passcode on his iPod. He's always playing on there so I just wanted to look at it. Please note that I trusted him and wasn't really snooping, he was sitting right next to me and we were talking like normal. I opened his email to see if he had recieved an email survey from the car dealership (we just bought a new car). Instead I found emails for notifications on an adult dating site!!! This is site made specifically for people to just meet up and have sex. At first I thought "okay its just spam" but then there were the emails saying "thank you for joining!" and "heres your new password!" WHAT??? When I asked him about it, he denied it of course. But the proof is all right there. I went onto his profile and it has our new location (we just moved here in january) and saying he wants a "discreet relationship"

I don't know what to do!!!! I thought our sex life was great so I don't know why he needs it from someone else? We are happy and do things together and as a family all the time. I'm blown away by this!

Advice??

Should note: In comments, I mentioned that I actually looked at the profile and it was definitely him. Also, he admitted to making it but said it was to find a sperm donor for me (long story short, we want to have another baby but his ex had him get a vasectomy) 


UPDATE:


He is still saying he went on there to find a sperm donor. BUT he starts therapy today (he actually wants help) and starting next week I will join him. (it has to be done this way because his job says so) 

I know that vasectomy's can be reversed. We've looked into all of our options and from what we heard from the doctor, it would make it about a 30% chance and about $15k. So we still arent sure. However, after all of this, a baby is the absolute last thing on my mind. We need to work on our marriage first.

We have not had any fidelity issues in the past. I honestly don't think he has cheated yet but was "planning to". I feel like we can work through this, but it will take counseling and time. Not to mention my trust has been shattered. 

In the past, with boyfriends, cheating was a deal breaker and I would be out of that relationship quick! I love my husband and this is the first time I've considered not leaving a cheater. We will see how counseling goes and if I feel it's time to leave, then I will. Or if it ever happens again, then I will leave.

Thank you everyone for your advice!! 


UPDATE 2:

To try to answer most questions..

No, he did not list himself as looking for a man. Which is why I know that story is bogus. 

He has kids from a previous marriage and I have one from before too. We want a baby together.

And again, it wasn't just spam. I saw his profile and he admitted to making it. 

He also admitted it wasn't because he was looking for a profile! FINALLY. 


by on Jun. 22, 2013 at 7:08 PM
Replies (141-149):
supercarp
by on Jun. 26, 2013 at 10:44 AM

I would not have a baby with this guy. He sounds a bit unstable as a husband.

lenaparkersmama
by on Jun. 26, 2013 at 11:01 AM
My husband did the same thing a few years ago. He never physically cheated, but exchanged lots if emails pictures and texts. I then found out it had been going on since we met. We had been married 3 years at that point. It took us a while and a lot of counseling both as a couple and individually but we made it through. My trust still isn't 100% but I have faith it will get there. Our relationship now is stronger than its ever been.

Good luck mama! Try and stay positive, and keep communication open and not to "attack" when talking. That's the best advice I have. Sorry it's not the best.

Keep your chin up.
Jennanonymous
by on Jun. 26, 2013 at 11:04 AM

He can get a reversal for about $900, my BFF's new husband just had one done. Idk why you were told it was 15K!!!

Allismom416
by on Jun. 26, 2013 at 11:23 AM

We went through this a few months ago. I just picked up his phone and found disturbing texts. When I asked him who this was, he said it was a guy friend. So, you tell your guy friend you're horny? Ok it's a girl...what's her name? I can't remember.  So needless to say hes lying and trust will never be 100%. It's funny though cuz he doesn't seem to think he did anything wrong...

ZsMommy
Report
Hungry for everything that's not in the house right now.
Yesterday at 3:39 PM
by on Jun. 26, 2013 at 12:03 PM

Sorry for the delay in answering your question.

For us it actually was just perserverence-we had decided against counseling because we felt if we couldn't work through things on our own it wasn't going to be saved-we had to do it ourselves.

Not gonna lie-there was a TON of ups,downs,backsliding,more talks laying everything on the line and yes-for us-finding a church that met our needs and opened more communication between us.

I have nothing against counseling,I'm just saying for us it took 3 hard years of work and re-commitment to get tyo where we are today.

And a lot of open access to passwords and rules agreed on by both.

It wasn't just the porn/dating site issue we had to overcome,it was the emotional relationship he was having with a coworker that he got himself into-he wasn't looking for sex-he enjoyed the attention. Sh*t hit the fan before it ever made it to the bedroom

But the office whore,the dating sites,the porn issues all were taking place at the same time and it was all justattention seeking  in our case.

Ofcourse other men actually are looking at doing these things for sex but in our case it was other stuff like communication issues,my husband had put on a ton of weight at the time so there was lack of attention on my part and he had low self esteem,different life goals (he was focussed on career,I was trying to handle school placement issues having an autistic child-our priorities were different)

We had to put all the dirty laundry on the floor and see if it was worth saving or ditching.

We found the majority of our relationship WAS/IS worth saving and the bad stuff got ditched.

Quoting Jenn3307:


Did y'all go through any counseling? What helped you work through all the trust issues?

Quoting ZsMommy:


Quoting momma-t42:

Marriages can survive this, but he has to OWN the truth.  Best wishes to you...it's a tough journey, but worth working through...in some cases.

Agreed

We're going on 5 years recovery with some stupid attention seeking my husband did. Luckily it never went to physical contact so I believe that's why we were able to work through this-but yeah-I've been there. We survived. It was all about attention and lack of communication tween the two of us. Marriage is stronger now but only after he said these words on his own "I was selfish" concerning himself.

Course he knows my expectations are high after all the crap of the past and if he ever breaks my trust again we're done-but that now has challenged him to be a better husband and person he was years ago. So far so good.




jd1231cami
by on Jun. 28, 2013 at 4:48 AM

what is  "DH"?

MomToovey
by Marianne on Jun. 28, 2013 at 10:54 PM

 Glad you two are going to counseling, hopefully the truth will unfold and the two of you can begin moving foward. Good luck

nursesrit
by on Jun. 29, 2013 at 7:03 PM
Don't fall for the bs lies! He got caught period!!!! Men will tell you
anything when they get caught. Or, sometimes they clam up
because they are shocked that you caught them. Or, they tell
half of the truth. Or, they turn it around, and blame for you for
what happened, even though they caused the problem. Why
can't men be honest?

Get yourself checked out by your doctor. Either seek couples counseling, or
get yourself a good divorce lawyer. I hate these selfish bastards
constantly needing their egos and cocks stroked!!!
Metteba
by on Jul. 2, 2013 at 4:20 PM

Yeah, Uhmm..okay. 

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