Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Breadwinner but burned out....

Posted by on Jun. 23, 2013 at 4:07 AM
  • 19 Replies

So my DH have been married for almost a year but have been together for the past four. During our entire relationship I have been the breadwinner. My DH has to pay child support for three kids from his first marriage, so basically I have no choice but to be the breadwinner.

I pay for the majority of our expenses, well let me rephrase all our expenses. He spends his money (the little he has) on toys for the kids and himself.  (Meanwhile they have boxes of of unopened toys from Christmas) He bought a gun without telling me 3 months before we got married with his tax return and it turned into a huge arguement. I almost called the whole damn thing off, but I didn't. Here I am.

He spends his money and hides it from me, what he got and how much it was. I have to look for the receipts and if he didn't throw them away I find them get pissed off. Like he spent almost three hundred dollars on a bow & arrow set, while I was freaking out about the mortgage payment that month.

Well I told my husband that I just can't do it anymore. I can't pay for everything, I get very little sleep, and I am constantly stressed out and just exhausted. I even had to demote myself from my management position at work because of the emotional toll it was taking on me, I went to salaried position but I took a pay cut. I work on commission now, along with an hourly rate but I feel like a failure. I'm severely depressed and rarely go outside except to go to work. I'm also a recovering drug addict and this pressure if I don't get it under control could cause me to relapse. (I have been sober for 8 years.)

My DH told me he would try to get a better paying job but he has said this for a long time now. It was only when I stopped taking care of myself due to depression and stress that he finally agreed to start looking and started applying. He has promised me he would help me with the finances but almost a year later he hasn't given me a dime. (We have seperate accounts and I will not let him have access to my account because of his excessive spending habits.) I have saved a considerable amount of money to help us in case I lose my job. I want to quit so freaking bad, I mean I hate my job, but I can't because we would end up homeless. My savings would only get us through a year at best..

This has also prevented me from becoming a mother myself, something that I have wanted so badly for so long. He says that he doesn't want to have a baby right now because of our financial situation. We would be fine if he could get his spending under god damn control.  It hurts and I am getting resentful because of it.

Uh I am at my wits end. I want to get this under control before it becomes a huge wedge in between us, but everytime I try to approach the subject he gets defensive and it turns into a fight. Thanks for letting me vent.

by on Jun. 23, 2013 at 4:07 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
Mommabearbergh
by Bronze Member on Jun. 23, 2013 at 4:13 AM
I know how how you feel and you sound stressed. If your budget can handle it. I would suggest going to a couples counselor
AnGLInterrupted
by Kendall on Jun. 23, 2013 at 8:05 AM
3 moms liked this
The situation isn't going to change because he is perfectly content with the way things are. The only way you are going to change things is to force the change. You are doing fine without him, he is the one that needs you and it would do him well to be reminded of that. Don't waste your life and be held down by someone who only wants to use you.
chillemi78
by on Jun. 23, 2013 at 11:28 AM
I need clarification...He works and most of his money pays for his kids, or he doesn't work so he doesn't have to pay child support?
AJ-47
by on Jun. 23, 2013 at 11:39 AM
This. He's definitely using you. You need to get away from that.


Quoting AnGLInterrupted:

The situation isn't going to change because he is perfectly content with the way things are. The only way you are going to change things is to force the change. You are doing fine without him, he is the one that needs you and it would do him well to be reminded of that. Don't waste your life and be held down by someone who only wants to use you.

destinyangl21
by Member on Jun. 23, 2013 at 11:44 AM

 


Quoting chillemi78:

I need clarification...He works and most of his money pays for his kids, or he doesn't work so he doesn't have to pay child support?


 He works and pays child support. Anything he has left ever he spends it on sports equipment or buying toys for his kids. They have a boxes of unopened toys from Christmas and our basement looks like Toys R Us.

caroberts
by on Jun. 23, 2013 at 12:10 PM
I don't think you'll ever be happy in this situation. Don't have a child with him because it'll only makes things worse for you.
chillemi78
by on Jun. 23, 2013 at 12:26 PM
It sounds like he is having control issues. He doesn't like that you are the breadwinner in your house and that the money he does make has to go to his kids. He wants to be in control of something, so he controls what little extra money he has. It also sounds like he wants to buy his kids love. You both need to start making compromises and stop fighting each other, and his ex, for control of the situation. Talk to him about setting aside money for activities with the kids, not just buying stuff. It is still spending, but it will get him to see that the stuff is not what makes him a better dad, nor does the stuff he buys himself make him a better person. Would he be willing to pay some of the bills around the house if you give him the money? Just so he can start getting an idea of where it goes. Like you would transfer a portion of your paycheck to him and he is responsible for the actual payment part. Let him feel like he is part of the finances in the house. Obviously, you're not going to turn over all of your money to him, but letting him be a part of it all will help him feel more in control. And make sure you are on the same page for a baby. He has kids, does he really want more, or is the money situation an excuse?


Quoting destinyangl21:

 




Quoting chillemi78:

I need clarification...He works and most of his money pays for his kids, or he doesn't work so he doesn't have to pay child support?



 He works and pays child support. Anything he has left ever he spends it on sports equipment or buying toys for his kids. They have a boxes of unopened toys from Christmas and our basement looks like Toys R Us.


destinyangl21
by Member on Jun. 24, 2013 at 12:02 AM

He says he wants a child with me just right now financially he says isn't the best time.

I've tried giving him money to pay the bills. He just spends it. Like I desposited a good chunk of money into his account to pay for our wedding photographer and he spent the money before we got to the church that day. So I had to get out additional funds and pay the photographer. I was pissed.

This honestly is our only issue.I have spoken to him many times about spoiling his kids, but it goes through one ear and out the other. He has the dad guilt thing going on right now, it got even worse after we got married.

 He took my debit card without asking and bought toys for his kids. He just can't get it through his thick skull that its not about the dollar amount, whatever, is that he didn't even tell me. I had to find out by checking my account. That is also how I found out he bought the gun with his tax return, because I saw it on his bank statement. Things like this lead to think that I can't trust him.  

I think though a lot of this is my fault because I just enable him all the time. I tend to sweep things under the rug, and let them go because I love him so much. I know I shouldn't do this, but I'm at a loss of what to do.

 He's my husband and I love him but he needs to budget his funds. I told him in the car today that I was tired of this. If he's going to spend money he needs to call and ask me first and I would do the same. He then said I sounded like his ex-wife....

Grrrr....lucky its his birthday tomorrow otherwise I would be putting his ass on the couch. 


Quoting chillemi78:

It sounds like he is having control issues. He doesn't like that you are the breadwinner in your house and that the money he does make has to go to his kids. He wants to be in control of something, so he controls what little extra money he has. It also sounds like he wants to buy his kids love. You both need to start making compromises and stop fighting each other, and his ex, for control of the situation. Talk to him about setting aside money for activities with the kids, not just buying stuff. It is still spending, but it will get him to see that the stuff is not what makes him a better dad, nor does the stuff he buys himself make him a better person. Would he be willing to pay some of the bills around the house if you give him the money? Just so he can start getting an idea of where it goes. Like you would transfer a portion of your paycheck to him and he is responsible for the actual payment part. Let him feel like he is part of the finances in the house. Obviously, you're not going to turn over all of your money to him, but letting him be a part of it all will help him feel more in control. And make sure you are on the same page for a baby. He has kids, does he really want more, or is the money situation an excuse?


Quoting destinyangl21:

 


 


Quoting chillemi78:

I need clarification...He works and most of his money pays for his kids, or he doesn't work so he doesn't have to pay child support?

 


 He works and pays child support. Anything he has left ever he spends it on sports equipment or buying toys for his kids. They have a boxes of unopened toys from Christmas and our basement looks like Toys R Us.



 

Lindalou907
by Bronze Member on Jun. 24, 2013 at 12:10 AM

I'm sorry, that would bug me too! I would DEMAND x amount per month for some part of the expenses, then he will feel enough pain to want to earn more. Please please stay sober!

soon2bmomof2grs
by Member on Jun. 24, 2013 at 12:12 AM

Good luck with everything hunny!

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)