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Breadwinner but burned out....

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So my DH have been married for almost a year but have been together for the past four. During our entire relationship I have been the breadwinner. My DH has to pay child support for three kids from his first marriage, so basically I have no choice but to be the breadwinner.

I pay for the majority of our expenses, well let me rephrase all our expenses. He spends his money (the little he has) on toys for the kids and himself.  (Meanwhile they have boxes of of unopened toys from Christmas) He bought a gun without telling me 3 months before we got married with his tax return and it turned into a huge arguement. I almost called the whole damn thing off, but I didn't. Here I am.

He spends his money and hides it from me, what he got and how much it was. I have to look for the receipts and if he didn't throw them away I find them get pissed off. Like he spent almost three hundred dollars on a bow & arrow set, while I was freaking out about the mortgage payment that month.

Well I told my husband that I just can't do it anymore. I can't pay for everything, I get very little sleep, and I am constantly stressed out and just exhausted. I even had to demote myself from my management position at work because of the emotional toll it was taking on me, I went to salaried position but I took a pay cut. I work on commission now, along with an hourly rate but I feel like a failure. I'm severely depressed and rarely go outside except to go to work. I'm also a recovering drug addict and this pressure if I don't get it under control could cause me to relapse. (I have been sober for 8 years.)

My DH told me he would try to get a better paying job but he has said this for a long time now. It was only when I stopped taking care of myself due to depression and stress that he finally agreed to start looking and started applying. He has promised me he would help me with the finances but almost a year later he hasn't given me a dime. (We have seperate accounts and I will not let him have access to my account because of his excessive spending habits.) I have saved a considerable amount of money to help us in case I lose my job. I want to quit so freaking bad, I mean I hate my job, but I can't because we would end up homeless. My savings would only get us through a year at best..

This has also prevented me from becoming a mother myself, something that I have wanted so badly for so long. He says that he doesn't want to have a baby right now because of our financial situation. We would be fine if he could get his spending under god damn control.  It hurts and I am getting resentful because of it.

Uh I am at my wits end. I want to get this under control before it becomes a huge wedge in between us, but everytime I try to approach the subject he gets defensive and it turns into a fight. Thanks for letting me vent.

by on Jun. 23, 2013 at 4:07 AM
Replies (11-19):
by on Jun. 24, 2013 at 12:23 AM
Since you do pay the bills I would imagine you could set up a budget for the two of you. You could do the math and figure out how much of his paycheck he could be putting towards bills and savings. If you guys can do that and he can get his spending under control you could re evaluate the financial situation of having kids. You'd be able to trust him with money and save from his paycheck instead of just yours. Because he should also be contributing to the household bills.
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by Melissa on Jun. 24, 2013 at 8:15 AM
1 mom liked this

Sorry, but this guy sounds like an immature loser. I would never had married him knowing how bad he is. But you did..and now you have to shove him out or do something drastic to make him realize you are serious. Otherwise, Welcome to your next 50 years of wedded bliss. 

by on Jun. 24, 2013 at 8:26 AM
This sounds like my DH or sounds like he was. I packed his shit and told him if he wanted to be with me and live with us (kids and I) he needed help getting his spending under control. He was gone for about a week and we even talked about divorce during this time, and when he was having to pay for himself to live he changed and came back. He got it together and we now are doing pretty good, and I am even going to school able to work part time with him supporting the family! He has always provided but his spending was insane I had to put a stop to it. When we would miss payments on the car (that's in my name), because he wanted something shit had to change. If you do this I hope it will work out, but since yall don't have kids it may take longer before he gets it together if he even does. Good luck.
by on Jun. 24, 2013 at 10:32 AM

 $300 without talking to you? Umm, hell no. If he can't be responsible with the money than he needs to give it all to you so you can handle it. I would not put up with this situation.

Anyway, you don't have kids yet? Honestly, I'm all for sticking it out in a relationship but I would flee this guy.

by Bronze Member on Jun. 24, 2013 at 10:35 AM

Since you have no children of your own, why are you staying around?? This man does not respect you and puts himself first.  That is not acceptable.  Why do you kill yourself to support him??  Get the hell out and find a man that will be a partner, not a leech.....

by on Jun. 24, 2013 at 10:37 AM

 So why did his ex leave him?

Would he be open to financial counseling? Dave Ramsey and the Total Money Makeover are a great program for encouraging financial stability.

Quoting destinyangl21:

He says he wants a child with me just right now financially he says isn't the best time.

I've tried giving him money to pay the bills. He just spends it. Like I desposited a good chunk of money into his account to pay for our wedding photographer and he spent the money before we got to the church that day. So I had to get out additional funds and pay the photographer. I was pissed.

This honestly is our only issue.I have spoken to him many times about spoiling his kids, but it goes through one ear and out the other. He has the dad guilt thing going on right now, it got even worse after we got married.

 He took my debit card without asking and bought toys for his kids. He just can't get it through his thick skull that its not about the dollar amount, whatever, is that he didn't even tell me. I had to find out by checking my account. That is also how I found out he bought the gun with his tax return, because I saw it on his bank statement. Things like this lead to think that I can't trust him.  

I think though a lot of this is my fault because I just enable him all the time. I tend to sweep things under the rug, and let them go because I love him so much. I know I shouldn't do this, but I'm at a loss of what to do.

 He's my husband and I love him but he needs to budget his funds. I told him in the car today that I was tired of this. If he's going to spend money he needs to call and ask me first and I would do the same. He then said I sounded like his ex-wife....

Grrrr....lucky its his birthday tomorrow otherwise I would be putting his ass on the couch. 


Quoting chillemi78:

It sounds like he is having control issues. He doesn't like that you are the breadwinner in your house and that the money he does make has to go to his kids. He wants to be in control of something, so he controls what little extra money he has. It also sounds like he wants to buy his kids love. You both need to start making compromises and stop fighting each other, and his ex, for control of the situation. Talk to him about setting aside money for activities with the kids, not just buying stuff. It is still spending, but it will get him to see that the stuff is not what makes him a better dad, nor does the stuff he buys himself make him a better person. Would he be willing to pay some of the bills around the house if you give him the money? Just so he can start getting an idea of where it goes. Like you would transfer a portion of your paycheck to him and he is responsible for the actual payment part. Let him feel like he is part of the finances in the house. Obviously, you're not going to turn over all of your money to him, but letting him be a part of it all will help him feel more in control. And make sure you are on the same page for a baby. He has kids, does he really want more, or is the money situation an excuse?

Quoting destinyangl21:



Quoting chillemi78:

I need clarification...He works and most of his money pays for his kids, or he doesn't work so he doesn't have to pay child support?


 He works and pays child support. Anything he has left ever he spends it on sports equipment or buying toys for his kids. They have a boxes of unopened toys from Christmas and our basement looks like Toys R Us.




by Marianne on Jun. 24, 2013 at 3:58 PM

 The only thing I can think of to possibly help is to recommend checking out a money management book from the library and both of you reading it together. You can discuss the points that really interest you, or that excite you, or talk about the points you disagree with and why. And maybe he'll learn how to be more responsible with his money after that.

Good luck.

by on Jun. 24, 2013 at 10:31 PM
Consider yourself lucky you can get out and start over, he is with you because you have made it so convenient - if you get divorced, you can take some time off and start fresh. If you had a child together, the strain and pressure will increase beyond what you may be able to handle. Good luck.
by on Jun. 25, 2013 at 7:52 AM

the problem is he has not grown up -- you are not his wife -- you are his mother -- he has his toys and an allowance and this is the way you are treating him.  since you don't have any kids together, i would suggest a separation -- get out while you can.  he will not grow up because he has no reason to grow up -- he knows you will always take care of him financially -- he has no reason to better himself.  so you need to cut him off immediately and put the house on the market and move on with your life.

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