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Need some advice *kind of long*

Posted by on Jul. 2, 2013 at 9:29 AM
  • 13 Replies
So this is where we are at. My husband and I will be married 2 years in A couple of weeks but have been together for 7 years. We are both on our second marriages. In Jan of this year he found out that I had been texting one of my old boyfriends. Nothing bad just talking with each other and asked me to stop all contact with him. We started going to therapy and things were going along pretty good. In my opinion he has major control issues and has flat out said to me that he does not trust me. So, and I know this was a mistake but its what happened, I sent this old friend of mine a message on FB to tell him happy birthday, and also that my husband had found our texts an got upset and that I was still thinking of him. That's all I said. I am not downplaying this because I know I should have respected my DH wishes and not contacted him again. However, within a few hours of me sending the message my husband got word from a "friend" of his that works with the NSA that I had been talking to him online. So obviously my husband is extremely upset with me now. But I am upset too. He has had someone spying on me and my Internet activity for I don't know how long. I feel like he has completely violated my privacy ( not that I have anything to hide ) and now I don't know how I will be able to trust him at all? I'm so upset about this. Now we are talking about divorce again. I don't want a divorce but I honestly don't know if I can live with him when I know he has has someone else looking into these personal details of our relationship. Advice?
by on Jul. 2, 2013 at 9:29 AM
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Replies (1-10):
gammie
by on Jul. 2, 2013 at 9:39 AM

Will you start this, out of respect for your dh you should never talk to your ex. Period!

Did your dh ex wife cheat on him? this may be why he does not trust.

You are the one hurting your marriage, so now you need to proof to him that you do love him and want to be with him. Take a small vacation away from the home to talk and be romantic.


charley31
by on Jul. 2, 2013 at 10:09 AM
Seems like regardless if your husband is controlling or insecure he has a right to be. U went behind his back and proved that hes right in not trusting you. You are hurting your marriage. Perhaps you need to stop being sneaky and go back to counseling. The grass isnt always greener on the other side. Seems like you are going back to talk to your ex for some kind of attention. We all make mistakes but you need to make this right and regain his trust. How would you feel if the tables were turned.
furbabymum
by on Jul. 2, 2013 at 10:14 AM

 You really think his friend from the NSA is spying on your internet time? If you have some proof of that then please report it as it's a huge violation. More likely your DH has your FB password and checks up on you.

You did violate his trust. Please continue going to counseling. Make sure you bring up his insecurity.

I've been cheated on. It took time to get over it but at some point trust is either there or it isn't. If your DH is never going to trust you than you don't have much of a relationship imo.

mammajae
by on Jul. 2, 2013 at 10:20 AM
So how do you "make it right" ? I have told him that I won't contact him again or stray anywhere else. I have apologized and taken responsiblity for my actions. It's not like I was sleeping with the man, just talking. The advice I am looking for is how am I going to be able to trust my husband knowing that he has has someone peeping in on me?


Quoting charley31:

Seems like regardless if your husband is controlling or insecure he has a right to be. U went behind his back and proved that hes right in not trusting you. You are hurting your marriage. Perhaps you need to stop being sneaky and go back to counseling. The grass isnt always greener on the other side. Seems like you are going back to talk to your ex for some kind of attention. We all make mistakes but you need to make this right and regain his trust. How would you feel if the tables were turned.

mammajae
by on Jul. 2, 2013 at 10:21 AM
Yes I do believe him. He told me he called his friend to check and see if I had any coros


Quoting furbabymum:

 You really think his friend from the NSA is spying on your internet time? If you have some proof of that then please report it as it's a huge violation. More likely your DH has your FB password and checks up on you.


You did violate his trust. Please continue going to counseling. Make sure you bring up his insecurity.


I've been cheated on. It took time to get over it but at some point trust is either there or it isn't. If your DH is never going to trust you than you don't have much of a relationship imo.


ReadWriteLuv
by Casey on Jul. 2, 2013 at 10:23 AM

My husband has serious insecurity issues, I gave up my Facebook page because of it. Did I think it was stupid? Of course I did, but sometimes in order to keep the peace in your relationship you have to compromise. Really, it ended up to be a tiny thing. I don't miss Facebook at all. Too many people fall into situations exactly like the one you are in. It isn't worth it. 

mammajae
by on Jul. 2, 2013 at 10:26 AM
I would report him if I knew who it was. Total bullshit. I understand my husband wanting to know what I am doing and who I am speaking with but for someone to abuse their power like that to meander around My relationship is a horrifying thought. I have a smart phone that's logged on to my FB all the time so if husband wanted to see all he would have to do is pick my phone up. Like I said I have nothing to hide from him. I told him that I messaged him.


Quoting mammajae:

Yes I do believe him. He told me he called his friend to check and see if I had any coros




Quoting furbabymum:

 You really think his friend from the NSA is spying on your internet time? If you have some proof of that then please report it as it's a huge violation. More likely your DH has your FB password and checks up on you.



You did violate his trust. Please continue going to counseling. Make sure you bring up his insecurity.



I've been cheated on. It took time to get over it but at some point trust is either there or it isn't. If your DH is never going to trust you than you don't have much of a relationship imo.



mammajae
by on Jul. 2, 2013 at 10:28 AM
I agree and I am seriously considering it.


Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

My husband has serious insecurity issues, I gave up my Facebook page because of it. Did I think it was stupid? Of course I did, but sometimes in order to keep the peace in your relationship you have to compromise. Really, it ended up to be a tiny thing. I don't miss Facebook at all. Too many people fall into situations exactly like the one you are in. It isn't worth it. 


furbabymum
by on Jul. 2, 2013 at 10:33 AM

 Hmm. I'm not really on your side here. As I said, I was cheated on. I found out by snooping into my DH's online activity. He tried to act hurt like you are doing. Acting like I violated his trust by snooping. I never felt the need to snoop until I could tell he was doing something he shouldn't be. Once I found out what he was doing I continued to snoop for as long as it took for me to trust him again. You have no legs to stand on here. Allow your DH full and open access to all your activity until he trusts you again. You were the one in the wrong so stop trying to act liket he victim.

Quoting mammajae:

So how do you "make it right" ? I have told him that I won't contact him again or stray anywhere else. I have apologized and taken responsiblity for my actions. It's not like I was sleeping with the man, just talking. The advice I am looking for is how am I going to be able to trust my husband knowing that he has has someone peeping in on me?


Quoting charley31:

Seems like regardless if your husband is controlling or insecure he has a right to be. U went behind his back and proved that hes right in not trusting you. You are hurting your marriage. Perhaps you need to stop being sneaky and go back to counseling. The grass isnt always greener on the other side. Seems like you are going back to talk to your ex for some kind of attention. We all make mistakes but you need to make this right and regain his trust. How would you feel if the tables were turned.

 

charley31
by on Jul. 2, 2013 at 10:36 AM
First id let go of the fact that he had someone spying on you. ..clearly he had a reason to. Time is what makes things right. With time he will see you havent been chatting with ex boyfriends. Id be annoyed if my husband had someone spying on me but id laugh as well because I have nothing to hide. Ive been with my husband for almost 13yrs...we hit a horrible time he has never cheated but he definitely lost my trust...with time and him being what I needed...reassuring me focusing on me and our son....counseling we made it through. It takes time tho. You cant spend your day pointing the finger at him...yes you didnt have sex with your ex...but think what made you seek him out again knowing how your husband felt...was it worth it


Quoting mammajae:

So how do you "make it right" ? I have told him that I won't contact him again or stray anywhere else. I have apologized and taken responsiblity for my actions. It's not like I was sleeping with the man, just talking. The advice I am looking for is how am I going to be able to trust my husband knowing that he has has someone peeping in on me?




Quoting charley31:

Seems like regardless if your husband is controlling or insecure he has a right to be. U went behind his back and proved that hes right in not trusting you. You are hurting your marriage. Perhaps you need to stop being sneaky and go back to counseling. The grass isnt always greener on the other side. Seems like you are going back to talk to your ex for some kind of attention. We all make mistakes but you need to make this right and regain his trust. How would you feel if the tables were turned.


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