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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

I'm too outgoing/friendly at work

Posted by on Jul. 5, 2013 at 5:14 AM
  • 11 Replies
My fiancé and I work & live together, been together for 4 years this year. We love each other very much. When we are at work we cross paths from time to time and occasionally are posted together doing the same job. We work in a prison. On the way home we'll talk about our day and once home we try to leave work in the car unless there was a big issue involving one of us then the conversation may continue into the house, it's just us - no kids. Typically once we're home we get out of the uniforms, discuss the next days lunch and relax and unwind. He'll tend to the fish, check FB, emails etc. I'll check missed texts, play a short online game while on the potty. If he's still busy I'll start watching a recorded tv show. He's in one room, I'm in another. Once done we'll watch TV together. I'm comfortable, no worries but he see's it as a problem. Here's the dilemma, at work the gossip mill runs fast and & furious. There is superior that most don't like but he and I are seen talking often, no matter where we are. Sometimes the conversation is short, sometimes it's long and people have started saying that he's after me or he's had me. Of course some of the males have told my husband (fiancé) the man's past rep and now my husband swears I'm making him look like a fool and I don't see that this man is after me. The man has NEVER made a pass or anything like that and if he did I wouldn't continue to talk to him but I can't seem to convince my other half it's all innocent. At my husband's request I've explained to the man the position our friendship has put my relationship in and he keeps his distance as not to cause problems. My husband spoke to him too. But 4 days after we had a near breakup I find myself in the hotseat again because I had to call & report some information to the man and while doing so I told him a funny work related situation, I was myself - laughing as I relayed the event while my husband was sitting with the man. Now my husband is mad as hell all over again saying it's me opening doors for the guy to start coming around again.... SMDH, what do I do to assure my husband it's NOTHING? I've always been outgoing and I treat that man like I treat all of the males /females but my husband doesn't see it..... SMDH
by on Jul. 5, 2013 at 5:14 AM
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Replies (1-10):
98765
by Silver Member on Jul. 5, 2013 at 6:52 AM
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This would make me very mad if my DH was mad about this. This is a superior, right? You can't get away from this guy? You HAVE to talk to im? So talk to him! Your fiance is very insecure if he is letting the other gossip get to him instead of trusting you. He needs to get over it. I wouldn't change a thing. And I certainly wold NEVER have told the other guy what is going on. That just makes your fiance look insecure, like I said. 

Tell him to get over it. If he is like this now and you almost broke up now because of this that doesnt bode well for the rest of yor life. There will alwys be good looking people, people who may even like you. Does he trust you or not??

Tell him to get over it. 

NDADanceMom
by on Jul. 5, 2013 at 7:14 AM
1 mom liked this
I wouldn't be with such an insecure man.
deadlights86
by Emily on Jul. 5, 2013 at 7:22 AM
Are you trying to have kids with him? I would have him work out his issues before you bring kids into the family. They don't need to see arguing.
SMDH_76548
by on Jul. 5, 2013 at 3:03 PM
Thank you 98765, NDADanceMom, & deadlights.....No children to consider. The same exact thing happened at a previous location...... A light bulb just came on.... In both situations it was a a not-too-well-liked superior that he swears wants something from me, not just conversation. He's never wigged out like this over any other co-worker, not that I'm aware of. There are several males I talk to, sometimes all day laughing & joke, shove/tap in jest.....theres even a few that greet with a quick half hug or pat on the back..... SMDH
furbabymum
by Gold Member on Jul. 5, 2013 at 3:29 PM

 Well that is a total lack of trust. He's insecure and it's unattractive. At the same time I can see his discomfort. My DH has asked me to limit contact with only one person in our entire marriage and thats' because that person was after me. I never would have cheated but my DH really hated that this guy had any contact with me. I couldn't really blame him, if the situation were reversed I would have asked him to limit contact. So, is this insecurity or justified? Sounding like just insecurity so get thee to a good counselor and work on your issues before you have kids!

MagicTemptation
by Christina on Jul. 5, 2013 at 8:37 PM

I would tell my husband that insecurity and jealousy are two qualities I do not find attractive. 

If he trusts you, then that should be enough for him. He shouldn't care what others are saying. Instead of getting angry at you for what others are saying, he should be defending you.

MomToovey
by Marianne on Jul. 5, 2013 at 11:05 PM

 At first, I didn't really see a problem with it. My DH was cheated on by the GF he had before me - they were together almost 5 years - and his confidence was shot. He was very insecure at the beginning of the relationship and I did my best to prove myself trustworthy to him (took the responsibility on my own accord, he didn't make me feel like I needed to). So with that in my background, what you said all rang true for me. But then I remembered this is someone you HAVE to speak with on a regular basis. Your DF can't control that. He's going to have to, at one point, decide to trust you or move on.

Good luck.

AvonGalAnne
by on Jul. 6, 2013 at 12:16 PM

First, he needs to trust you and the relationship and secondly, he needs to stop listening to the other men (men are sometimes worse gossips than women...)  The fact that he approached your superior with the situation shows he may be trying to control the situation (or perhaps be jealous?) ; which I don't think is right.  This is your Superior and you can't NOT talk to him.  

If this is how your fiance acting now;  I can only imagine what it will be like when you are married.  I lived it already with my first husband; he already had issues of jealousy and control; but once we got married, it became worse and never got better.    Luckily, I found my second husband who is understanding and has become my best friend.  If something comes up, he will ask me if he needs to step in and 99% of the time, there's no need  for him to do so because he trusts me and the relationship.  

Another option is try and transfer to another facility to get away from the situation.  If you think that will help alleviate the situation; but may not alleviate your fiance's obvious distrust.

Good luck!

Monsita
by Silver Member on Jul. 30, 2013 at 2:47 AM
1 mom liked this
You are acting to friendly.....you may see no damage in this, but your fiance may...so. you need to cut it down just a bit, if you want to work on saving your relationship with your fiance.


Quoting SMDH_76548:

Thank you 98765, NDADanceMom, & deadlights.....No children to consider. The same exact thing happened at a previous location...... A light bulb just came on.... In both situations it was a a not-too-well-liked superior that he swears wants something from me, not just conversation. He's never wigged out like this over any other co-worker, not that I'm aware of. There are several males I talk to, sometimes all day laughing & joke, shove/tap in jest.....theres even a few that greet with a quick half hug or pat on the back..... SMDH

earthangel1967
by YVONNE on Jul. 30, 2013 at 3:01 AM

 In my personal opinion there are things you and your d/f both could improve upon, He with his insecurity and trust issues (have you ever given him a REAL reason to distrust you bc if so then you need to work extra hard to re earn his trust, if not then he may need counseling or such to figure out why he is having such a hard time trusting when unwarranted.)

And if I were you, I would keep my  conversations and interactions with this person and any other man at work strictly professional, polite, civil, but wouldn't talk to  them and add  things to the conversation like they are personal friends of mine just out of respect to my d/f especially while he works on his trust issues.

I am sure a lot of people will disagree with me perhaps, but that is how "I" would handle it if in that situation.

 YVONNE

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