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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

I don't know what to do :(

Posted by on Jul. 12, 2013 at 9:43 AM
  • 13 Replies

Hi, I'm Michelle. My husband and I have been married for 2 years now and it just doesn't always feel that he loves me the way that he used to.  We have 2 kids, one is mine from another relationship and the other is his.  My husband has a drinking problem and he knows he does but he won't do anything about it no matter what I say to him.  He doesn't really change when he drinks like some people do so I know I'm not in any danger and never feel like I am but he always drinks and drive and is starting to drink more than he ever has before.  He doesn't want to be around and when he is around he sits on the computer and just kinda ignores me and the kids.  I don't want to leave but do I need to just to prove a point to him? I love him a lot but he doesn't always show thst he loves me back and he doesn't understand that the kids miss him because he is working all the time and hardly ever gets a day off and when he does, he does the same thing and just sits on the computer the whole day mostly back in the bedroom and doesn't want the kids to be in there "bothering" him.  I really need some advice.  Thanks

by on Jul. 12, 2013 at 9:43 AM
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Replies (1-10):
2lilmamas
by on Jul. 12, 2013 at 9:56 AM
Sorry to hear that. Have you had a heart to heart conversation about this. Honestly he seems out of touch with you and the kids. Is he stressed about something seriously its no excuse. But there is something behind the way he is acting.
TommyAbby
by Melissa on Jul. 12, 2013 at 9:58 AM
1 mom liked this

Wow.. yeah.. have a heart to heart. If things don't change, then leave. That is not an example you want your kids to grow up with. 


NiCo86
by on Jul. 12, 2013 at 10:00 AM
first and foremost ... have you sat down and talked to him about your concerns???
Anniewhereugo
by on Jul. 12, 2013 at 10:24 AM

I agree that you need to make sure he understands your needs and find out if he even wants to be part of your family.  It's my experience that the longer you let things go, the harder they are to work out.  If he still wants to be with you and the kids then I suggest counselling so you both know how to go forward and be a family.  I know that these days a lot of young people are from broken homes and men especially have no real idea of how to be a husband and a father.  Sounds like there are some deep seated issues going on.  I hope you guys can work it out since it isn't just you and him involved in this life.  Good luck!

Annie

furbabymum
by Gold Member on Jul. 12, 2013 at 10:30 AM
2 moms liked this

 He drinks and drives and you think you are in no danger?????????????? Fuck him. You have no idea how many greiving families my office has represented. When he kills someone and your whole family is totally screwed and he's doing time in PRISON you might feel differently. When you can't get car insurance because no one wants to take on a family with this history you might feel differently. When he gets his first DUI and you have to spend 3k on legal costs you might feel differently. I can tell you that alcohol and drugs are something I will never just accept. We both drink but we DO NOT drive. If he ever drove home drunk my foot would be up his ass so far he couldn't breathe without feeling my toes.

As to everything else, you accept it. I've instituted a weekly "electronics free family night". He isnt' even allowed on his phone. We go out and do something as a family. Try that!

momof2289
by on Jul. 12, 2013 at 10:36 AM

Everytime we do talk he always talks about how stressed he is, and at first I understood that excuse but anymore after over a year of using it I am just tired of hearing it.  If he is that stressed then he needs to figure out a way to not be as stressed and he won't listen to me about it.  And also yes I have tried to sit down and talk about all of this to him and he says that he understands and that he will change but then he never does and when he does it lasts for a couple weeks and goes back to the way it was before.

TommyAbby
by Melissa on Jul. 12, 2013 at 11:34 AM
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There's your answer. He refuses to change for over a year...time to pack his bags. 

Quoting momof2289:

Everytime we do talk he always talks about how stressed he is, and at first I understood that excuse but anymore after over a year of using it I am just tired of hearing it.  If he is that stressed then he needs to figure out a way to not be as stressed and he won't listen to me about it.  And also yes I have tried to sit down and talk about all of this to him and he says that he understands and that he will change but then he never does and when he does it lasts for a couple weeks and goes back to the way it was before.



LilliesValley
by on Jul. 12, 2013 at 11:45 AM
5 moms liked this

As someone who has been married to a recovering alcoholic, the best advice I can give you is you must draw your line in the sand. You have to know what your breaking point is and when you are putting in way more than the other person for the relationship.

My line came when we had been married for 3 years and after the birth of dd. Dh had tried to quit drinking several times but couldn't make it past the one year mark. He went out drinking while I was still in the hospital. I told him no more. I had this beautiful little girl to worry about and it wasn't just my life he could ruin any more it was hers too. My dh was very much a functioning alcoholic but an alcoholic none the less. He stopped drinking that day. He knew I was serious. I still am. He could go out drinking tomorrow and I'm pregnant with number 2 now (it's 6.5 years later btw) and I would still leave him and take dd with me. That sort of life is not what I want for my kids.

To stay with someone with this disease is a long hard road. Has it been worth it yes. But would I ever do it again? Absolutely not. My kids and I deserve better than someone who is so out of control.

It also sounds like yours isn't exactly providing everything you need of him. When mine was home he was always great and did everything he could around the house, he wasn't just on the computer. So in that way my dh wasn't selfish. IMO, op, you need to make it clear what you expect and what will happen if those expectations are met. It's hard to give an ultimatum and you do have to follow through. But I will tell you that you and your kids deserve better than this but only you can decide that. You have to know that you are worthy of more than this. There are all sorts of things and resources available to you so that you don't have to stay in this situation. Find them and leave would be my opinion.

You and your kids deserve better than a drunk who is also an absentee father. Some people can't be fixed they need to want to fix themselves. I think my situation is a rare exception, certainly not the rule that usually happens.

MomToovey
by Marianne on Jul. 12, 2013 at 10:28 PM

 First thing, don't leave "just to prove a point" unless you actually plan on not ever returning. Because if you do come back, he'll be calling your bluff and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he'll be able to get away with anything and you'll still be by his side.

Unfortunately, you can't make someone get help. He has to decide of his own accord to receive the help he needs to kick the addiction.

The only thing I can really suggest is to maybe give him some information on what alcohol does to his body and have him imagine his child's life without a father. I would probably also try to hide the keys so he can't get behind the wheel when he's drunk. That's not just his life, but the lives of every person out on the road, that's at stake. One of my closest friends was killed by a drunk driver when I was 15 and I have never forgiven the man who killed him. Nor has the family. That is absolutely not something that should be taken lightly.

RJC78
by Member on Jul. 13, 2013 at 9:18 AM
1 mom liked this

 If he's that stressed, he needs to make a plan to manage his stress.  Running, walking, some  type of exercise.  Or possibly medication?  Or can he find a way to reduce his stress? 

Absolutely do not leave him unless you are prepared to divorce.  It could wake him up and get him to work on himself, or he could carry on like he currently is.  So, if you leave him over this, it may or may not shock him into doing something different.  If you leave and it doesn't work, going back to him would only show that it's ok.  If you leave and it does work, make him work at earning you back by showing you he's ready.  Are there things you can do to reduce his stress?  Sounds like he has it pretty good though from the little you typed.  Good luck, message me if you want to.


Quoting momof2289:

Everytime we do talk he always talks about how stressed he is, and at first I understood that excuse but anymore after over a year of using it I am just tired of hearing it.  If he is that stressed then he needs to figure out a way to not be as stressed and he won't listen to me about it.  And also yes I have tried to sit down and talk about all of this to him and he says that he understands and that he will change but then he never does and when he does it lasts for a couple weeks and goes back to the way it was before.


 

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