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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Does he still love me?

Posted by on Jul. 13, 2013 at 8:59 AM
  • 14 Replies

I'm new here, but I need some advice. I'm 26, DH is 35, we have been married for almost 2 years, we were friends for a year before that but didn't date for very long before tying the knot. I have two DDs (4 and 5) from a previous (abusive) marriage, and he has a DS (15) from a previous marriage.

Until recently we worked for the same company, but about 4 months ago I got offered a better job, so we both ended up leaving there. Ever since then, it doesn't feel like our marriage is the same. I'm a Paramedic and he's an EMT - and anyone who knows that field knows it's bad for marriage to begin with. I knew it would change things when we left, and was actually very worried about the kind of connection we would have with each other once we stopped working together, and I'm just disappointed and depressed about how much it seems to have affected us. We used to be extremely happy with each other - not in the way of puppy love/lust, we saw each others flaws, but we were both very loving, everyone we knew or met said they wished their marriage was like ours.

Now it's like we're just so complacent, almost like roommates and not a couple. We say I love you to each other all the time, go out on a weekly date night, we hardly ever fight and when we do argue we do it respectfully, we spend time with all the kids...I feel like we do well balancing everything, and I just don't know what's wrong or how to fix it. He says I love you to me all the time, but he doesn't regularly give me hugs and kisses anymore, doesn't cuddle with me at night, we only have sex if we've been drinking. When we go on our date nights now, we hardly talk to each other, and end up inviting friends to make the night better. He says it's not me, that he thinks I'm sexy, loves me with all his heart, but I just feel like the words are empty. 

He's a diabetic, so he blames a lot of the sex issues on that, which I completely understand IS part of it. The disease itself can affect libido, and so can the medications he's on. My problem is that he tells me that it's not just me he doesn't want sex with, he doesn't want it with anyone, but then I find porn on his phone or on the tv. So, that doesn't really seem to make sense. I don't inherently have an issue with porn BTW, we've watched it together before just to spice up the night. But it bothers me that he won't be intimate with me (besides the sex, he won't even cuddle or make out with me), but he wants to look at other women naked.

I don't think he's cheating on me, I trust him. I just think he doesn't love me anymore, but he doesn't want to tell me that. And I don't know what to do. Sometimes it makes me question if I still love him....I do, but I guess it's just the lack of intimacy makes my mind wander (the rest of me does not wander, had that done to me, WILL NOT do that to someone else). I don't want a divorce, just advice because I've tried going on different types of dates with him, tried surprising him with lingerie, tried explaining my feelings to him. I don't want to have an OK marriage, I want to have a great marriage, so just looking for some help to get back to that.

Thanks, and sorry for the post being so long (guess I needed to get this stuff off my chest).

by on Jul. 13, 2013 at 8:59 AM
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Replies (1-10):
AlannaMaria
by on Jul. 13, 2013 at 11:04 AM
Have you ever thought of couples therapy to help get this figured out? Could he be depressed?
jessijames911
by on Jul. 13, 2013 at 11:12 AM

I know he has problems with depression, but he is on anti-depressants and takes them regularly. He's very good about taking his medications when he's supposed to. Maybe he needs a higher dose?

And yes, I've thought about going to couples counseling, but haven't talked about that to him yet. The last time I went to counseling it was not helpful, so I'm unsure about it. Granted, that was with my ex, and we went into counseling with me already wanting a divorce....which is totally different from what I want now.

amberleh
by Member on Jul. 13, 2013 at 11:18 AM
1 mom liked this

It could be that you just need to bring the lovey-dovey back to the relationship. Sometimes, when you've been in a relationship for quite a while, you just get comfortable with the way things are and quit doing the little things. It happens. Try doing things like leaving him little love notes, compliment him (tell him he's sexy, smack his butt, things like that), flirt with him, just generally let him know you are still madly in love with him and find him sexy and attractive. Sometimes it just takes one partner showing this kind of attention to get the other one to get with the program. Sitting down and discussing it doesn't always work, sometimes actions speak so much louder.

Em84
by on Jul. 13, 2013 at 11:23 AM
1 mom liked this

Try to talk to him, let him know how your feeling. Give him hugs and kisses instead of waiting for him to do it, you do it. Tell him naughty things during the day. Let him know that you still find him extremely attractive. That he is sexy and hot. Compliments do wonders!

jessijames911
by on Jul. 13, 2013 at 11:26 AM


I do all those things regularly, to the point of being tired of it because he either just blows it off, rejects me, or on a good day I may get a hug or a little peck on the lips. That's why I'm reaching out, because I've tried the things I could think of....and you would think that showing him I'm still in love with him would work. 

I'm not going to stop trying, but it is frustrating.

He's not hurtful or anything, he doesn't get mad at me for it, he just shows no interest.

Quoting amberleh:

It could be that you just need to bring the lovey-dovey back to the relationship. Sometimes, when you've been in a relationship for quite a while, you just get comfortable with the way things are and quit doing the little things. It happens. Try doing things like leaving him little love notes, compliment him (tell him he's sexy, smack his butt, things like that), flirt with him, just generally let him know you are still madly in love with him and find him sexy and attractive. Sometimes it just takes one partner showing this kind of attention to get the other one to get with the program. Sitting down and discussing it doesn't always work, sometimes actions speak so much louder.



amberleh
by Member on Jul. 13, 2013 at 11:31 AM


Well dang....then I would definitely suggest getting his depression meds checked (might mean he needs a diff one or a higher dosage) and if that doesn't help much definitely try couples counseling. If you are unsure of going to a traditional couples counselor, I would look around and see if there is possibly a couple class or course at a local church or community center. Sometimes that helps it feel more like you are going and doing something to work on and improve your marriage WITHOUT it feeling like your marriage is in danger. 

Quoting jessijames911:


I do all those things regularly, to the point of being tired of it because he either just blows it off, rejects me, or on a good day I may get a hug or a little peck on the lips. That's why I'm reaching out, because I've tried the things I could think of....and you would think that showing him I'm still in love with him would work. 

I'm not going to stop trying, but it is frustrating.

He's not hurtful or anything, he doesn't get mad at me for it, he just shows no interest.

Quoting amberleh:

It could be that you just need to bring the lovey-dovey back to the relationship. Sometimes, when you've been in a relationship for quite a while, you just get comfortable with the way things are and quit doing the little things. It happens. Try doing things like leaving him little love notes, compliment him (tell him he's sexy, smack his butt, things like that), flirt with him, just generally let him know you are still madly in love with him and find him sexy and attractive. Sometimes it just takes one partner showing this kind of attention to get the other one to get with the program. Sitting down and discussing it doesn't always work, sometimes actions speak so much louder.





jessijames911
by on Jul. 13, 2013 at 11:36 AM


Hmm...I hadn't thought about finding a couples class. That might work, thanks for the suggestion!

Quoting amberleh:


Well dang....then I would definitely suggest getting his depression meds checked (might mean he needs a diff one or a higher dosage) and if that doesn't help much definitely try couples counseling. If you are unsure of going to a traditional couples counselor, I would look around and see if there is possibly a couple class or course at a local church or community center. Sometimes that helps it feel more like you are going and doing something to work on and improve your marriage WITHOUT it feeling like your marriage is in danger. 

Quoting jessijames911:


I do all those things regularly, to the point of being tired of it because he either just blows it off, rejects me, or on a good day I may get a hug or a little peck on the lips. That's why I'm reaching out, because I've tried the things I could think of....and you would think that showing him I'm still in love with him would work. 

I'm not going to stop trying, but it is frustrating.

He's not hurtful or anything, he doesn't get mad at me for it, he just shows no interest.

Quoting amberleh:

It could be that you just need to bring the lovey-dovey back to the relationship. Sometimes, when you've been in a relationship for quite a while, you just get comfortable with the way things are and quit doing the little things. It happens. Try doing things like leaving him little love notes, compliment him (tell him he's sexy, smack his butt, things like that), flirt with him, just generally let him know you are still madly in love with him and find him sexy and attractive. Sometimes it just takes one partner showing this kind of attention to get the other one to get with the program. Sitting down and discussing it doesn't always work, sometimes actions speak so much louder.







deadlights86
by Emily on Jul. 13, 2013 at 2:58 PM

He sure sounds depressed. It couldn't hurt to have him mention it to the dr.

MomToovey
by Marianne on Jul. 13, 2013 at 4:33 PM

 I agree with all the advice given so far. The only thing I can think to add is do those things for him. You say you want hugs, kisses, and cuddles. And from what I've read, it seems like you've literally tried everything except actually hugging HIM and kissing HIM, etc. You might need to initiate actions like that for a while, but it'll eventually become nature for him again, and he might start doing it on his own.

Good luck

IQuitCounting
by Bronze Member on Jul. 13, 2013 at 4:45 PM

You can build up a tolerance to meds.  I would have him talk to his Dr to reevaluate what's working and what's not, it may be time to try something new.  I would also ask about a Vitamin D supplement, if he's not already on one.

And counseling is all about the mind frame of those seeking it.  If you really want to work this through, and you go into with that in mind, there's a much better chance it'll be beneficial.  Also, you need to find a counselor that suits you.  Shop around.

Quoting jessijames911:

I know he has problems with depression, but he is on anti-depressants and takes them regularly. He's very good about taking his medications when he's supposed to. Maybe he needs a higher dose?

And yes, I've thought about going to couples counseling, but haven't talked about that to him yet. The last time I went to counseling it was not helpful, so I'm unsure about it. Granted, that was with my ex, and we went into counseling with me already wanting a divorce....which is totally different from what I want now.


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