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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

How do I let my guard down?

Posted by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 9:00 AM
  • 15 Replies
Since I was a kid Ive always been a very strong person emotionally. I hardly cry around friends let alone family. When I went through cancer at 13 I had 1 person who ever saw me cry. We stayed close for 5 yrs then he just walked away.

Now going back through my Radiation treatment/body scan I have so many emotions. Theres more at stake this time. I have a husband and kids who need me.

Dh tries talking to me about it but I just cant bring myself to open up. Ill say its scary but once I feel like Im going to cry I shut down and stop talking. I want so badly to tell him how Im feeling but I cant. I dont want to let dh see me like that because I dont think HE would be able to see me that vulnerable and I think itd make him worry more so I keept it to myself.

Ive just not been a break down and cry person unless Im alone or when Ive watched the boys play this week, I just cry thinking what if this is it? What if they lose me, who will take care of them (dh works A LOT). If I died now they wouldnt remember me, it rips me in two.

Idk how to let him in and show him my weak side and its eating me up. How do you break down those walls?
by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 9:00 AM
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Replies (1-10):
disnchntdwife
by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 9:14 AM

you ALLOW him to be there for you.

The feelings you have been getting when you look at your children are the same feelings and emotions he is going through when he looks at you. Pretend you are saying it outloud to yourself, close your eyes and just let it all out to him

lucky2Beeme
by Silver Member on Jul. 16, 2013 at 9:19 AM

I'm a crier so maybe I'm not much help. Sometimes its drives dh crazy. He has finally come to understand that's who I am. I am super sensitive and I cry.

In your case just imagine if you let go and he could help you ease your fears. Its OK to cry. Sometimes  I feel so much better after I have. My suggestion would be let it all out. If you don't like his reaction then don't do it again.  I think sharing you fears with your spouse no matter through tears or words, could only bring you two closer together.

Huge hugs I pray your scan come back clean mama.

earthangel1967
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Happy Sept! I changed my siggy & profile for Sept. This month I'll be spending time in Love & Marriage & Frugalistas & Everyday Family Ideas groups. See you there! :D
Today at 1:35 AM
by YVONNE on Jul. 16, 2013 at 9:51 AM

 im sorry hugs feel better

I am SO sorry for all you have been thru and all you are going thru. Sending you lots of healing energy and thoughts and prayers your way!

Tears are NOT a sign of weakness, your husband probably feels helpless and desparate to be there for you however he  can, and at least if you let him in emotionally he can be there for you that way. As awful as this experience is, if you let him in, it's still a bonding experience that can bring you both even  closer together. You probably don't think twice about  "being there" for him as a wife or your kids as a mother or your friends or relatives for however they need you, you probably even feel blessed or honored or gratified to be able to be there for them, let THEM have the  honor and blessing of BEING there for YOU whom they  love and care about too. This is a time  when you all need eachother!

If it's too hard to open up at first because you are not use to it, write him  a letter or an email opening up and telling him  how you feel, your fears, your hopes, what you need  and how he can most be there for you and help you the most,  He is probably eager and even  desparate to hear such things, you will be giving him a gift by opening up to him this way.

 YVONNE

furbabymum
by Gold Member on Jul. 16, 2013 at 10:22 AM

 Took me counseling. Lots of it. And I still suck at it. I am just so much better at supressing my emotions than expressing them. Really though, counseling!

ashbash1616
by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 10:42 AM
1 mom liked this
You are right. I just need to let him be there. I know he is scared and worried as I am. Hes never been through this as I have. I never thought of it that way that he has the feelings I have towards him an he kids towards me.

Thank you, I will try to close my eyes and tell him.


Quoting disnchntdwife:

you ALLOW him to be there for you.

The feelings you have been getting when you look at your children are the same feelings and emotions he is going through when he looks at you. Pretend you are saying it outloud to yourself, close your eyes and just let it all out to him


ashbash1616
by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 10:53 AM
Thank you. Im pretty sure his reaction will be that he'll cry with me. He hates to see anything done to me (blood work, neck ultrasound, shots). He usually will hold my had but not look.

It will bring is closer together your right I just need to open up and let him know whats goong on in my head.


Quoting lucky2Beeme:

I'm a crier so maybe I'm not much help. Sometimes its drives dh crazy. He has finally come to understand that's who I am. I am super sensitive and I cry.

In your case just imagine if you let go and he could help you ease your fears. Its OK to cry. Sometimes  I feel so much better after I have. My suggestion would be let it all out. If you don't like his reaction then don't do it again.  I think sharing you fears with your spouse no matter through tears or words, could only bring you two closer together.

Huge hugs I pray your scan come back clean mama.


ashbash1616
by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 10:53 AM
Thank you. Im pretty sure his reaction will be that he'll cry with me. He hates to see anything done to me (blood work, neck ultrasound, shots). He usually will hold my had but not look.

It will bring is closer together your right I just need to open up and let him know whats goong on in my head.


Quoting lucky2Beeme:

I'm a crier so maybe I'm not much help. Sometimes its drives dh crazy. He has finally come to understand that's who I am. I am super sensitive and I cry.

In your case just imagine if you let go and he could help you ease your fears. Its OK to cry. Sometimes  I feel so much better after I have. My suggestion would be let it all out. If you don't like his reaction then don't do it again.  I think sharing you fears with your spouse no matter through tears or words, could only bring you two closer together.

Huge hugs I pray your scan come back clean mama.


ashbash1616
by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 11:10 AM
You do always have the most caring answers!

I know crying isnt a sign of weakness, I guess in my mind I think it just makes others worry so much. I dont like causing people to be upset, scared or worried. Which is why I believe its so hard to let someone see me cry. I think when I saw my dad cry when I told him it was cancer (he was at work when we found out) it broke me. Hes this big ole italian tuff guy most people are intimidated by. After that I heard my mom crying and I just couldnt stand it. I didnt want to make it worse or hurt them more by telling them the pain I felt and how terrified I really was.

Dh hates seeing anything happen to me (blood work, neck ultrasounds, shots). He refuses to watch it but holds my hand and looks away or closes his eyes.

I tell him I kicked cancers ass one time if its back Ill do it again. But in the back of my mind I think of my aunt. She was diagnosed with breast cancer at 40 they did surgery, radiation and chemo. Told her dhe was cured 3 months later it went to her brain and killed her.

I had thyroid cancer which is hormone based its easily spread if it does not have filters to help prevent the spreading such as lymph nodes. I had 6 lymph nodes out of the 6, 5 were removed as well as my thyroid because it was on the verge of spreading. So I have 2 filters as opposed to 6 plus thyroid. I wont tell him this because Im pretty sure he wont sleep until we get the results.

My radiatiom begins next week and the scan after that. I know hes stressed as am I. I just am scared to give him more heartache by tellig him all thats on my mind. :-(

But I should he is my husband and out of everyone hes the one I want by my side through all of this. As a pp it will make our bond stronger in the end. Thank you so much for your response and sorry my reply is so long. I guess I needed to get it out.


Quoting earthangel1967: 
I am SO sorry for all you have been thru and all you are going thru. Sending you lots of healing energy and thoughts and prayers your way!
Tears are NOT a sign of weakness, your husband probably feels helpless and desparate to be there for you however he  can, and at least if you let him in emotionally he can be there for you that way. As awful as this experience is, if you let him in, it's still a bonding experience that can bring you both even  closer together. You probably don't think twice about  "being there" for him as a wife or your kids as a mother or your friends or relatives for however they need you, you probably even feel blessed or honored or gratified to be able to be there for them, let THEM have the  honor and blessing of BEING there for YOU whom they  love and care about too. This is a time  when you all need eachother!
If it's too hard to open up at first because you are not use to it, write him  a letter or an email opening up and telling him  how you feel, your fears, your hopes, what you need  and how he can most be there for you and help you the most,  He is probably eager and even  desparate to hear such things, you will be giving him a gift by opening up to him this way.




ashbash1616
by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 11:12 AM
My mom tells me she regrets not putting me through counseling for going through this so young. I should probably seek out a counsler or support group itd probably help a lot. Thank you for your response. I hope it gets easier for you to open up as well!


Quoting furbabymum: Took me counseling. Lots of it. And I still suck at it. I am just so much better at supressing my emotions than expressing them. Really though, counseling!
earthangel1967
Report
Happy Sept! I changed my siggy & profile for Sept. This month I'll be spending time in Love & Marriage & Frugalistas & Everyday Family Ideas groups. See you there! :D
Today at 1:35 AM
by YVONNE on Jul. 16, 2013 at 11:37 AM

 Awwww big hugs! We are ALL rooting for you! Like you said, you  kicked cancer's ass before and you can do it again!

Thinking of what you  said about your dad and your mom and your husband and putting myself in their shoes the best I can if that was one of my young adult kids or my husband with cancer (my mom currently DOES have cancer) Yes I would cry too, and I would be scared and worried sick BUT I would desparately want to be there for them however I possibly could! It would be an honor to be there for them emotionally OPENLY and HONeSTLY, knowing they weren't suffering inside alone would bless me to know at the very least I could carry that burden emotionally WITH them. It would break my heart even more if they held everything in and didn't let me carry it with them. LET them do this for you, just because it's painful and hard doesn't mean it's still a blessing to them to be able to do for you. It's hard to love someone with cancer and feel like a helpless useless bystander, it HELPS to feel like at least you can do SOMETHING, so you are doing them a favor by being open and letting them be there for you emotionally. TRULY!

PS don't worry about your long  answer, it's good to let it out, AND everything you have to say, ALL OF IT, is important! a lot of my answers are often long too, but that's because I just open my heart and pour it out onto the page as it flows. If someone doesn't want to read it all they don't have to, that's ok.

Quoting ashbash1616:

You do always have the most caring answers!

I know crying isnt a sign of weakness, I guess in my mind I think it just makes others worry so much. I dont like causing people to be upset, scared or worried. Which is why I believe its so hard to let someone see me cry. I think when I saw my dad cry when I told him it was cancer (he was at work when we found out) it broke me. Hes this big ole italian tuff guy most people are intimidated by. After that I heard my mom crying and I just couldnt stand it. I didnt want to make it worse or hurt them more by telling them the pain I felt and how terrified I really was.

Dh hates seeing anything happen to me (blood work, neck ultrasounds, shots). He refuses to watch it but holds my hand and looks away or closes his eyes.

I tell him I kicked cancers ass one time if its back Ill do it again. But in the back of my mind I think of my aunt. She was diagnosed with breast cancer at 40 they did surgery, radiation and chemo. Told her dhe was cured 3 months later it went to her brain and killed her.

I had thyroid cancer which is hormone based its easily spread if it does not have filters to help prevent the spreading such as lymph nodes. I had 6 lymph nodes out of the 6, 5 were removed as well as my thyroid because it was on the verge of spreading. So I have 2 filters as opposed to 6 plus thyroid. I wont tell him this because Im pretty sure he wont sleep until we get the results.

My radiatiom begins next week and the scan after that. I know hes stressed as am I. I just am scared to give him more heartache by tellig him all thats on my mind. :-(

But I should he is my husband and out of everyone hes the one I want by my side through all of this. As a pp it will make our bond stronger in the end. Thank you so much for your response and sorry my reply is so long. I guess I needed to get it out.


Quoting earthangel1967: 
I am SO sorry for all you have been thru and all you are going thru. Sending you lots of healing energy and thoughts and prayers your way!
Tears are NOT a sign of weakness, your husband probably feels helpless and desparate to be there for you however he  can, and at least if you let him in emotionally he can be there for you that way. As awful as this experience is, if you let him in, it's still a bonding experience that can bring you both even  closer together. You probably don't think twice about  "being there" for him as a wife or your kids as a mother or your friends or relatives for however they need you, you probably even feel blessed or honored or gratified to be able to be there for them, let THEM have the  honor and blessing of BEING there for YOU whom they  love and care about too. This is a time  when you all need eachother!
If it's too hard to open up at first because you are not use to it, write him  a letter or an email opening up and telling him  how you feel, your fears, your hopes, what you need  and how he can most be there for you and help you the most,  He is probably eager and even  desparate to hear such things, you will be giving him a gift by opening up to him this way.




 

 YVONNE

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