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How to deal with my Inlaws that adopted my stepdaughter

Posted by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 5:13 PM
  • 31 Replies
1 mom liked this

**UPDATE** 

Alot of things happend over the weekend and I want to report it got to be too much. He decided that it was all too much and started accusing me of creating a riff in his family. The wedding is off and he has moved out of our house. I supposed things work out the way they should. If I could do things different I would. I just thought things would change.

So my story is so layered and dramatic. I will be brief. I am getting married 5/24/14 to a great guy that has has some mess ups in life. He spent 2 years in jail.. and before he left had his parents adopt his daughter. His ex wife is a crazy drug head that would have ran off with the child . He felt like he had no other options. 

Fast foward to now, My soon to be husband has a decent job, we have a house and have it all together. He has wanted his daughter back in his custody for a while and we finally got her back full time last October.

Since then we have gotten engaged and live together. I have taken on full mom role and his daughter is doing great with 2 parents, rules and expetations.

His parents on the other hand are taking it way hard. They have been a real pain in the a** to deal with. They used to call my phone constantly asking to speak with her and we could never get anything done.  A few weeks ago I just blocked their number because I was tired of getting phone calls everytime something I did was not they way they would have done it.


We have had SEVERAL sit down convos with them, they have even given me temporay guardianship until we get married and can re-adopt her back.

I just need to know how am I supposed to be a mom withouth going insane and deal with them wanting to be all in our space ALL the time.


His parents will get mad when we are busy and they want to talk to the little girl. I am just so over them trying to interfere with out life. and I am running out of ideals to make the situation better.


How can I stay sane? I plan to move us 30 mins away next year.. that is really the only way I can think of getting away from all this.

IDEAS?!! 

by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 5:13 PM
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Replies (1-10):
JTE11
by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 5:36 PM
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Wow it's great that things are going so well for you both, first of all, so congrats on all of the positive things going on. :) And as far as his parents, they are probably just concerned because they've been her parents all this time and now she is going away and they probably can't just shut that off so maybe just let them know (often) that you know they are concerned about her and miss her and you will be setting aside times that they can call/visit (whatever you want to do) and that you will be glad to hear their suggestions for her, but that you do need to run your household and sometimes you just can't answer the phone. Maybe if you keep feeding them the idea that you feel it's important that she keep in touch with them they won't be freaking out or worrying, or just missing her so badly. Setting up designated times that she will call may help, giving them regular updates, sending them pictures, having her make artwork for them, and then the rest of the time don't answer the phone. Letting them know you aren't just trying to shut them out and that when she isn't available to talk it's not because you are keeping her from them, it's just you trying to run a household. I'm just saying to be understanding of their need to check up on her but to put some gentle limits in place so that you can live your life until this all gets smoothed out. I don't know if that will work but good luck. x

furbabymum
by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 6:03 PM
3 moms liked this

 Just imagine how hard it must be for the grandparents. They've been raising this girl. They love her. They are used to having her around. They miss it. I feel for them. So don't be cutting them off like this. They did a great thing for your DH and SD. They deserve to be involved.

That said, boundaries. Set up a time once a day that they can call and talk to her. Don't take calls except for at that time. They'll learn. Also let them know that you appreciate all they've done but you don't want them to second guess your parenting. Unless you ask them for advice they aren't to give it. If they start than tell them you will have to end the conversation. Then follow through.

rockinmomto2
by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 6:10 PM

This this this. All the way this.

Quoting furbabymum:

 Just imagine how hard it must be for the grandparents. They've been raising this girl. They love her. They are used to having her around. They miss it. I feel for them. So don't be cutting them off like this. They did a great thing for your DH and SD. They deserve to be involved.

That said, boundaries. Set up a time once a day that they can call and talk to her. Don't take calls except for at that time. They'll learn. Also let them know that you appreciate all they've done but you don't want them to second guess your parenting. Unless you ask them for advice they aren't to give it. If they start than tell them you will have to end the conversation. Then follow through.


earthangel1967
by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 6:37 PM
1 mom liked this

 I agree 100 % with  the  advice the other ladies already gave you, I agree too that it must be very emotionally difficult for them because they invested in her in  everyway and was a daily part of her life and were her "parents" and now they have had to hand her over, that would be very emotionally painful and difficult. I agree with the other ladies on setting up set times and boundaries and assuring them of regular visitation and set times for phone calls etc. I do think your  idea of moving 30 minutes away may be a good idea for a buffer zone too, Be sure to share all the good things that she has going on in her life, fun family activities, new friendships, success in school, extra curricular activities , lots of happy photos with copies for them to keep. Invite them to family outings and dinners and cookouts sometimes and let her spend a weekend with them sometimes just for bonding and fun time with them. I think it will help  them feel more secure and be healthy for her and them too. Goodluck and congrats on your upcoming wedding  and your new daughter and family. : )

 YVONNE

IQuitCounting
by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 6:42 PM

Well, I think it's important to understand that they were her full time parents for over two years.  Imagine what it must be like for them.  I'm not saying that it's not a PITA for you, however, I would caution a little sympathy on the matter.

I think what you're doing, talking with them, keeping lines clear, is all you can do aside from doing something that may cause permanent damage to the relationship.  How long have you had her back?  Things like this take time to adjust to.

ucopomchick
by on Jul. 17, 2013 at 9:00 AM
1 mom liked this

I am not trying to cut anyone off.. This process of being a mom is different for me too let alone dealing with someone else's emotional attachements. 

To clarify, they did have her for 7 years off and on. But I have been with her over a year... have i not proven myself as a fit and stable parent so the advice about how to do things should not be there anymore?

My fiance's dad is the one taking it the hardest. He will tell people like at the school or summer camp the entire situation which embarrasses me as I am a private person and there is NO reason for anyone to know our personal business. 

He is retired and lonely and this girl was his life and I get that.

Blocking their # was a good thing. They have had to go thru my fiance' to deal with everything. They just call him like 4 times a day! UGH!

 

ReadWriteLuv
by Casey on Jul. 17, 2013 at 9:47 AM
2 moms liked this

This isn't about you! Stop making this about you! This is about that little girl, whom they obviously love. 

I think it's kind of shitty that you blocked their number.

This isn't custody, unless you have mis-spoken. You said they adopted her. The process here is more complicated than simple custody. I wouldn't piss them off. 

Quoting ucopomchick:

I am not trying to cut anyone off.. This process of being a mom is different for me too let alone dealing with someone else's emotional attachements. 

To clarify, they did have her for 7 years off and on. But I have been with her over a year... have i not proven myself as a fit and stable parent so the advice about how to do things should not be there anymore?

My fiance's dad is the one taking it the hardest. He will tell people like at the school or summer camp the entire situation which embarrasses me as I am a private person and there is NO reason for anyone to know our personal business. 

He is retired and lonely and this girl was his life and I get that.

Blocking their # was a good thing. They have had to go thru my fiance' to deal with everything. They just call him like 4 times a day! UGH!



6-is-it
by on Jul. 17, 2013 at 10:09 AM
1 mom liked this
3 words for you my beautiful sister: LOVE, COMPASSION & BOUNDARIES! :-)
la_bella_vita
by Bella on Jul. 17, 2013 at 10:24 AM

 I would never have blocked their number. They are used to being active in her life. Of course, they miss her. You said you are a private person, I am too but I'm not sure what that has to do with grandparents calling. Good luck to you. That is not how I would have handled the situation.

furbabymum
by on Jul. 17, 2013 at 11:02 AM

 In orange: true fact. I should have pointed that out. I've seen grandparents with guardianship that kept it even after their kid requested their kid back. If they decide to fight you over it, well, they could very well win.

Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

This isn't about you! Stop making this about you! This is about that little girl, whom they obviously love. 

I think it's kind of shitty that you blocked their number.

This isn't custody, unless you have mis-spoken. You said they adopted her. The process here is more complicated than simple custody. I wouldn't piss them off. 

Quoting ucopomchick:

I am not trying to cut anyone off.. This process of being a mom is different for me too let alone dealing with someone else's emotional attachements. 

To clarify, they did have her for 7 years off and on. But I have been with her over a year... have i not proven myself as a fit and stable parent so the advice about how to do things should not be there anymore?

My fiance's dad is the one taking it the hardest. He will tell people like at the school or summer camp the entire situation which embarrasses me as I am a private person and there is NO reason for anyone to know our personal business. 

He is retired and lonely and this girl was his life and I get that.

Blocking their # was a good thing. They have had to go thru my fiance' to deal with everything. They just call him like 4 times a day! UGH!

 


 

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