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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Fed up.

Posted by on Jul. 24, 2013 at 1:54 AM
  • 19 Replies
1 mom liked this
I am one of those people where I want everything to be fair. If you can't, I can't. If I can, you can kinda thing. When things get unfair, I can usually deal with it to an extent. But after a long period of time, and with more and more unfairness added, I'm going to say something and balance everything back out.
So things have gotten REALLY unfair with the kids, and with sharing the workload, and some other things like that.

So I of course tried talking to my husband about it. He does this thing where he listens for about two minutes and then says whatever he needs to so I will shut up. Then I have to wait a day or two to see if the message I sent went through to him or not..

..well, it hasn't. Any of the times I've talked to him. I've tried every different approach including making it all out to be my fault and its just not working.

I know eventually I will get through to him and in the meantime I can handle things. The thing is.. I am just sick of talking to him about the same thing over and over. This literally happens EVERY time there is something we need to talk about. I mean, when he tells me something that's bugging him, the conversation is over in 5 minutes and its not a problem anymore.
When I try talking to him it will take a month or longer to get some action from him.. He's not dumb. He's not lazy. He's not a bad guy. Idk why we have to do this every time.. All I know is right now I literally feel like shutting down. Just go about my day, everyday and just not talk to him at all unless I have to. It's like I'm just overly exhausted.
I'm not the type to "teach him a lesson" or "put him in my shoes" or anything like that. To me, that kinda stuff is mean and pointless. All I want, is for him to grasp the concepts I am sharing faster..

Actually all I want right now is a hot bath and some peace and quiet. I give up..
by on Jul. 24, 2013 at 1:54 AM
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Replies (1-10):
MagicTemptation
by Christina on Jul. 24, 2013 at 3:31 AM
3 moms liked this
::hugs:: I am really sorry sweetie. I hope you got your hot bath. Maybe write him a letter? Write down everything that is going on, what you are feeling, what you need from him. Give it to him when you know he has time to read it. Don't say anything before, during, after. I don't know your husband but this seems to work best for us. When I first write a letter, I just write whatever comes to mind, hurt, anger, frustration, cussing etc... after I calm down I edit it of course. I take out the bitterness and cussing and turn it into more genuine and sincere. I hope ya'll get things worked out soon.
Candie1015
by on Jul. 24, 2013 at 4:46 AM

Next time you have a conversation the first thing you say needs to get his attention. Tell him the truth. Your tired and wore down, yall never talk, he never listens, and it just isn't working anymore. Something has to change and he has to start listening to you. I know saying that it just isn't working anymore seems like your calling off your relationship and maybe he needs to think that is what you are saying for a minute or two.... maybe it will give him that wake up call that he needs.

earthangel1967
by YVONNE on Jul. 24, 2013 at 6:43 AM

 goodwriting This!!! This is the same thing I was going to suggest, but Magic Temptation already has and it's great advice as  this often works especially in cases when the heart to heart talk isn't. It also helps so you don't get interrupted and helps you edit what you say so you don't say things you regret in case you feel upset at the time. : )

The only thing I would add is to remember when you critique him about something try to remember to give him 2 genuine compliments about something he does that you really do like and appreciate, that helps him be more open and accepting of the criticisms without feeling attacked, also when you give praise for what you  DO like you are more likely to get more of the same. : )

Additionally  Try to remember to use "I" statements,  when you talk to him and when you write to him, such as "I feel, I want, I need, I would soooo appreciate, it would mean the world to me if... etc etc." instead of "You" statements such as "you always, you never, you made me feel like, etc" because you statements make people feel defensive and because of that as soon as we start hearing you statements we stop listening as well and start instinctively thinking of what we are going to say in our  defense instead and shutting the other person out, and you  don't want that. It's not helpful to your goal.

Good luck, I hope this helps.

It sounds like you really deserve a nice hot bubble bath. I remember when I was raising my 5 kids when they were still little sneaking in  a 15 min bubble bath felt like a vacation  to me when I could manage it, HEAVEN! : )

Quoting MagicTemptation:

::hugs:: I am really sorry sweetie. I hope you got your hot bath. Maybe write him a letter? Write down everything that is going on, what you are feeling, what you need from him. Give it to him when you know he has time to read it. Don't say anything before, during, after. I don't know your husband but this seems to work best for us. When I first write a letter, I just write whatever comes to mind, hurt, anger, frustration, cussing etc... after I calm down I edit it of course. I take out the bitterness and cussing and turn it into more genuine and sincere. I hope ya'll get things worked out soon.

 

 YVONNE

98765
by Silver Member on Jul. 24, 2013 at 6:45 AM

Well, the first thing that strikes me is Life Isn't Fair. Not even close to fair. 

What's not fair about your marriage and sharing the responsibilities? What have you been trying to tell him? What do you do and what does he do that you want changed?

furbabymum
by on Jul. 24, 2013 at 10:33 AM
1 mom liked this

 Honestly, my sister and BIL are like that. If she goes out he has to go out to make it "fair". I find that rather baffling. I'd rather not base my activities on what will even things up.

Anyway, beyond that I hear you trying to talk to him but I think you should take a different approach. If you want help with the kids you should say, "DH do you want to give ____ a bath or do you want to take care of _____?" That is an actual conversation from my house last night. He chose to watch our infant while I gave our DS his bath. That's usually how I phrase things. I give him an option of what he wants to do but he's going to be doing something. It's pretty darn effective. Also effective was just assigning him a chore. I assigned him dishes. Well in reality I asked if he wanted to take on the cooking or the dishes. He choose dishes. I guess that's why he's so helpful, he does feel like it's his choice.

Marriage counseling did wonders for us in the communication department. Our counselor watched us interact and was able to point out the good and bad in it. Then she helped us change it so we communicate a lot more positively.

furbabymum
by on Jul. 24, 2013 at 10:35 AM

 We handle a lot of conflict in writing too but usually over IM instead of letter. I think it's a lot less threatening for men that way.

Quoting MagicTemptation:

::hugs:: I am really sorry sweetie. I hope you got your hot bath. Maybe write him a letter? Write down everything that is going on, what you are feeling, what you need from him. Give it to him when you know he has time to read it. Don't say anything before, during, after. I don't know your husband but this seems to work best for us. When I first write a letter, I just write whatever comes to mind, hurt, anger, frustration, cussing etc... after I calm down I edit it of course. I take out the bitterness and cussing and turn it into more genuine and sincere. I hope ya'll get things worked out soon.

 

la_bella_vita
by Bella on Jul. 24, 2013 at 10:49 AM

 ((Hugs))

little.worthen
by Tessie on Jul. 24, 2013 at 11:58 AM
Well, basically he isn't doing anything.. I was just trying to make it sound nicer.
We both work full time jobs but for some reason lately I'm going to work for 8 hours a day and then coming home and doing everything else. I washed his work clothes yesterday and he couldn't even put them away. Last week I came home at 9pm and the kids hadn't even eaten dinner.. Things like that.
I'm sure he's just stressed. He's been slammed at work lately and I understand that. But I'm pretty busy at work too. I'm just as exhausted as him when I get home but I still clean up after myself and the kids and feed them, AND him.
It's just gotten to the point where it's like, okay, I know you're stressed and you've had a little time to be lazy but now it's time to go back to normal..


Quoting 98765:

Well, the first thing that strikes me is Life Isn't Fair. Not even close to fair. 

What's not fair about your marriage and sharing the responsibilities? What have you been trying to tell him? What do you do and what does he do that you want changed?

little.worthen
by Tessie on Jul. 24, 2013 at 12:01 PM
Yeah when I said the fair thing I was more or less saying that we don't have specified jobs or responsibilities at our house. Like, if I have to wash clothes, so do you. If you dot want me to keep beer in the fridge so the kids can't see it, then I want you to put your tools out of reach. That kind of thing.

Quoting furbabymum:

 Honestly, my sister and BIL are like that. If she goes out he has to go out to make it "fair". I find that rather baffling. I'd rather not base my activities on what will even things up.


Anyway, beyond that I hear you trying to talk to him but I think you should take a different approach. If you want help with the kids you should say, "DH do you want to give ____ a bath or do you want to take care of _____?" That is an actual conversation from my house last night. He chose to watch our infant while I gave our DS his bath. That's usually how I phrase things. I give him an option of what he wants to do but he's going to be doing something. It's pretty darn effective. Also effective was just assigning him a chore. I assigned him dishes. Well in reality I asked if he wanted to take on the cooking or the dishes. He choose dishes. I guess that's why he's so helpful, he does feel like it's his choice.


Marriage counseling did wonders for us in the communication department. Our counselor watched us interact and was able to point out the good and bad in it. Then she helped us change it so we communicate a lot more positively.

Megan11587
by Megan on Jul. 24, 2013 at 12:03 PM

I agree.  We use email.  It gives us time to read, re read, and  time to really absorb what is being said and the time to give a well thought out response  instead of giving a  knee-jerk reaction.

Quoting furbabymum:

 We handle a lot of conflict in writing too but usually over IM instead of letter. I think it's a lot less threatening for men that way.

Quoting MagicTemptation:

::hugs:: I am really sorry sweetie. I hope you got your hot bath. Maybe write him a letter? Write down everything that is going on, what you are feeling, what you need from him. Give it to him when you know he has time to read it. Don't say anything before, during, after. I don't know your husband but this seems to work best for us. When I first write a letter, I just write whatever comes to mind, hurt, anger, frustration, cussing etc... after I calm down I edit it of course. I take out the bitterness and cussing and turn it into more genuine and sincere. I hope ya'll get things worked out soon.

 


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