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Need some feedback: PIOG

Posted by on Jul. 24, 2013 at 9:43 PM
  • 6 Replies

I have heard of many marriages in which after awhile the spark fades. I know lots of married's will say you have to constantly work at it, etc. I feel like I have tried. I have told my husband how I feel. We have been to counseling. But nothing seems to change for the better. My husband is a decent, hard working guy. I just don't know what to do anymore or what it is that I want! I mean, I know what I want, but maybe I am being unreasonable or unrealistic. I want to be IN LOVE, to feel that my husband is crazy about me and I am crazy about him. I want to feel attraction, both physical, sexual and emotionally feel safe to share my heart and thoughts with him without being judged wrongly.

I try to look past some of his flaws, as I realize we all have them...but sometimes he can be such a jerk off to our kids and that is what usually pisses me off and makes me angry at him..then those feelings radiate over to the emotional and physical attraction toward him. I try to talk to him about it over and over and over, but he always says "I'm sorry"....BUT, it always happens again.

Does anyone have any advice? I really just need some friendships that I can talk to about this, I don't really have any close girlfriends and my mom is deceased and my sis and I don't talk much. I feel so lonely and really only get my purpose anymore from being a mom and trying to be the best mom I can to my kids. I would appreciate anyone who has some advice or friendly thoughts to share, I don't really need anyone bashing me either. Thank you!

by on Jul. 24, 2013 at 9:43 PM
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by on Jul. 25, 2013 at 2:29 AM
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Marriage is hard work and you don't keep that first starry eyed feeling you have when you first fall in love.  I don't know anyone who has but hopefully the love that develops is a more mature and lasting love.  One that stands by its vow for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health.  Unfortunately, for some of us that doesn't happen because on one side or the other there wasn't any love there in the first place.  Your hubby may need to work on some of his parenting skills.  He may not have a lot of patience with the kids.  Maybe he even feels he comes in second to them.  There's a wonderful movie that came out a few years back called "Courageous".  It's really something every father should see about his place as the head of the household.

There are ways to keep some of the sparks alive in your marriage.  Some are the obvious date nights where you send the kids to Grandma's.  You can pack a love note in his lunch or his briefcase.  You can try what the woman on Fried Green Tomatoes did and wrap yourself in saran wrap and meet him at the front door (again having sent the kids to Grandma's).  Anyway, this probably wasn't very helpful.  I think all of us would like to have held on to that head over heels in love feeling but one morning you wake up and one kid is sleeping between you (and their diaper is leaking thru), and another kid just barfed beside the toilet, and your husband is pretending he's sound asleep and you realize this is not what you signed on for.  But still every now and then you do see the man you fell in love with and that's what will keep you going.  Hugs. 

by on Jul. 25, 2013 at 2:56 AM
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I still believe you love him but you have some resentment towards him. I could understand the fact how he treats the kids affects. You said you've tried. But what about him. Has he also made the effort to keep the marriage. Marriage is no walk in the park. There so many challenges you may face but you both have to the effort. Not just one. I hope this fall into place for you.
by Bronze Member on Jul. 25, 2013 at 3:09 AM
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You really need to sit him down and talk to him but make sure he hears you loud and clear. I know things aren't the greatest for y'all right now but I think you need to schedule date nights. remember why y'all loved each other enough to get married. Sometimes the spark can fizzle out but it's up to both of you to ignite it again. Remind him he is someone the kids look up to and the way he's talking and treating them upsets you. Good luck mama and I hope things look up for y'all.
by on Jul. 25, 2013 at 7:06 AM
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 im sorry hugs I'm  sorry you are going thru this. I can totally relate because while in my case I never loved my first husband (ex but bio dad to my 4 kids) the way I should have to have married him in the first place, the way he was with my kids often times who were my passion in life drove us further and further apart, well at least me away from him. It's hard to feel close in any way to someone who doesn't talk to or treat your  kids properly in your opinion.

One thing I  did to try to help  remedy that situation and it worked for us for awhile and helped me too (it did help ex to a point but he was too mentally ill literally for it to stick so he eventually only got worse and I  had to leave him but I think for a non mentally ill or even mentally ill but treated/medicated person this could make a big helpful difference.)

1. I took him with me to local parenting classes for a few months once a week.

2. I got the most awesome affective parenting books and read them aloud to both of us after the kids went to bed at night and we discussed them as well and made up practice role play scenarios where I would say or tell him imagine one of the kids said or did this or that that I knew he normally wouldnt react appropriately to and ask him , now what will you say or do (since he took the classes or heard me  read him the book) then he would tell me his new approach and I would let him know I was impresssed or proud of him for his changes to encourage more of that.

You can get these books on amazon affordably and they are worth every penny I promise you. (my 5 kids - 3 with bipolar and 1 with paranoid schizophrenia and all with either adhd or add so had extra challenges are grown up now and I used these books to raise them and it REALLY WORKS even with extra challenging kids, they even use these books in homes for troubled youths and in adolelescent and children's phychiatric units and encourage parents to learn these child rearing methods (its all positive discipline and natural  conseuqnces and life lessons so nothing offensive to our mothers hearts : ) and all 5 of my kids turned out beyond my hopes and dreams so it does work and if it works for special needs or challenging kids imagine how well it works for average healthy kids) The thing is IF your husband cares enough about you and your relationship to learn these things along with you, then HOPEFULLY he will learn how to deal with the kids better and therefore it will start to earn back more respect and admiration and affection from  you again. Then when he has that down pat and things are feeling better inside of you because of it, then you can do things like make sure you have date time and spice up your sex life and maybe read some marriage enrichment books

PS if you cant afford books even on  amazon (remember you can get used copies on there even cheaper) but otherwise check or ask at your local library.

The parenting books I swear by that I hope will help your husband with the kids and therefore help improve how you feel about him are: (ps none of these books are dry or  boring, they all even have humor in them so are interesting and fun to read and arent all clinical they are down to earth and you can learn them quickly)

1. How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen & Listen So Your Kids Will Talk (this will help teach him to speak respectfully and compassionately to the kids in a way that will help his relationship with them and also so they will listen to him better and react better with him as well)

2. Love and Logic Parenting Magic for Early Childhood (from birth to 6 yrs)

3. Parenting With  Love and Logic (this is from 6 yrs until tweens)

4. and my personal favorite most awesome one of all:

Parenting Teens With Love and Logic (I reccomend starting to use this one when they are tweens all the way up until they are independent adults) Absolutely awesome!

kissing dadin loveI focused so much  on improving his parenting skills because it  sounds like he needs to work on that core issue before you can work towards feeling closer to him.  So in that regard I can't reccomend these books highly enough, they should pay me for how much I tell people about them lol

good luck HUGS



by Bronze Member on Jul. 25, 2013 at 7:51 AM
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Have you considered going to a therapist? Could you be depressed? When I'm not taking my anti-depressant, I am irritable and resentful of tiny things.

He is the same lovable jerk that you married. You're simply not as willing to cut him slack for his flaws. That doesn't mean that you're wrong. It means that to save your marriage you need to change your outlook. You can't change him. You say that you are lonely anyway. 

What did you used to enjoy without him? Can you pursue those hobbies in search of female friends so that you can have an identity you're proud of? If you can regain some of your love for yourself, you might find it more possible to remember what you love about him. 

by on Jul. 25, 2013 at 11:01 AM
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 So how is he a jerk to the kids?

Are you a SAHM? It's hard on a woman to SAH. You then look to your DH to supply everything you're missing from the outside world. I'd say work, at least part time, if you can. If nothing else join groups and volunteer. Anything that gets you interacting out in society.

Otherwise I have to say you are being unrealistic. There is a natural eb and flow to all aspects of life. You can't expect to be crazy for each other constantly. Content is what I would say my DH and I are a lot of the time. Content with each other and our life. When we get back into the "crazy" stage of love it's great but the base level of contentment is what will make sure we last as a couple.

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