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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Advice on dealing with infidelity.

Posted by on Jul. 26, 2013 at 3:23 PM
  • 15 Replies

As you can tell from my sn- I am trying to remain anonymous as I do not want my friends on CM to know my struggles until I decide on what to do.

My SO and I have been together ten years. We are in our mid 20's and have two children- ages are 7 and 4. Let me start off by saying that I love my SO very much and we refer to each other as husband/wife even though we are not legally married. I know I am not a perfect partner and would never want people to think I am advertising that I am somehow better than my SO. We are both responsible for the problems in our relationship. I realize that.

Last July, I had a nagging feeling that I should check into what my SO was doing on FB. I hacked into his e-mail and then hacked into his FB. What I found were hundreds of messages between him and women. Some we knew from HS, some he met through friends, some strangers. These messages were flirtatious and also sexual in nature. He asked for their numbers so he could text them instead. Part of me believes this is because he knew it would be more private that way so they could exchange pictures etc but I can't prove it. Because he sleeps with his phone in his pillowcase. He never puts it down where I can grab it. I'm not allowed to touch his phone. I flipped out and a week went by with me crying every single day. I didn't speak to him. He insisted he would change and we could work things out. Despite all the events from the past that I had caught him doing things like this, I believed that he would make the change based on the way he was acting. He deleted his FB and seemed to be putting in more of an effort in our relationship.

A few months go by and I could feel things going back to the way they were. He started going out more often, putting his friends ahead of me, texting more often. He started challenging me on his need for privacy and a FB to "network". He is a sometimes DJ and videographer. I insisted over and over again that our relationship would be over if he dared to do so.

Well, yesterday I found out he created a FB account to "network". He said I am overreacting and that he is not doing what he was doing before. I say bullshit.

Am I crazy to feel like he should not ever be on FB again. Am I over reacting. Do I have a right to feel this hurt a year later? Is there any way this relationship can work?

Please help and advise.


by on Jul. 26, 2013 at 3:23 PM
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Replies (1-10):
chillemi78
by on Jul. 26, 2013 at 3:30 PM
If its only facebook that has you concerned, I will say this. My husband owns his own business and uses facebook for a lot of business related stuff. He has personal and business mixed together on there, but we are not in the same situation. I only point that out because facebook is really huge for networking.
Its really hard to say on the other stuff, but counseling to help you deal with it all would probably be good.
furbabymum
by on Jul. 26, 2013 at 3:37 PM
1 mom liked this

 First off, he's messing up his body sleeping with his cell phone right next to his head. Numerous studies on that, have him look them up.

Second off, shame on you at this point. My Dh cheated on me, ONCE. There will never, ever be a second time because I will not ever tolerate it happening again. Forgiveness is totally possible and acceptable. I think women should try to forgive infidelity if their partner is truly remorseful and changes. Yours doesn't sound like any of those things. He won't even commit to marriage. You are wasting your time with this guy. Move on. He has no respect for you or your relationship.

earthangel1967
by YVONNE on Jul. 26, 2013 at 4:11 PM

 He needs to understand that to help  you heal is going to take some time and that if he is truly sorry and if he is truly committed then he will not have any problem with EARNING your trust in him back again and part of that would be 100% openness and disclosure including you having access to his cellphone and his passwords to  fb or whatever, if he has nothing to hide and it's just business he shouldn't mind at all. He should be happy to have a way to show you he is only doing real business and for an opportunity to help  you  heal and earn your trust. If not then I would not trust him and not believe he is truly sorry or changed.

im sorry hugs I am so sorry this has happened to you in  the first place, I can't imagine how painful that must be. HUGS  I hope things get better for you one way or another.

 YVONNE

amberleh
by Member on Jul. 26, 2013 at 4:17 PM

What if he agreed to give you the password to this new FB and you could make sure he isn't using it for anything more than networking? Would you be ok with it then?


PleaseHelp325
by on Jul. 26, 2013 at 4:31 PM

He has had this FB created for a few months. I just found out about it yesterday. He violated my trust and went behind my back to create it. No, I would not be okay with him being on FB period.

IAMmomtotrips
by Bronze Member on Jul. 26, 2013 at 4:51 PM
I completely agree. I divorced my husband after he cheated, but after some time he came back an asked to go to counseling to help us be better coparents. Eventually, it became relationship repair & slowly we put our marriage back together.

My DH setup my phone so his email comes to my phone too. I know his Fb passwords, all credit card passwords, etc. He gave up his privacy to any computers, iPhones, etc. He even calls me when he has to go to the town she lives in to tell me when he arrives and when he leaves.

She used to text him and email him a lot...even up to last year on his birthday (and the affair happened in 2009). He lets me know whenever it has happened and has never ever responded back.

That's what a man who is remorseful and wants to fix a marriage does. The way you are describing your relationship, he has no desire to do this and has no commitment to fixing your marriage.

You need to really consider if its worth it for you.

There's a great book "called after the affair" that helps understand where you stand and if and how to heal. I would say that intense counseling is a must!



Quoting furbabymum:

 First off, he's messing up his body sleeping with his cell phone right next to his head. Numerous studies on that, have him look them up.


Second off, shame on you at this point. My Dh cheated on me, ONCE. There will never, ever be a second time because I will not ever tolerate it happening again. Forgiveness is totally possible and acceptable. I think women should try to forgive infidelity if their partner is truly remorseful and changes. Yours doesn't sound like any of those things. He won't even commit to marriage. You are wasting your time with this guy. Move on. He has no respect for you or your relationship.


furbabymum
by on Jul. 26, 2013 at 4:57 PM

 Yup. I required complete openness from my DH for about a year. He went to tons of counseling. We went to tons together. He really, really changed and proved to me he was worth warranting forgiveness. OP isn't writing anything that indicates her guy is the type of man to change.

So unless OP wants more of the same she is probably going to have to leave him. Multiple occurrences with the same response every time....cycle here and she has to get off the merry go round.

Really though, I wouldn't tolerate any of this sneaking around and lying. The only reason it happened the first time is because I was so deeply entrenched in denial I refused to acknowledge what was going on. I do regret that. I could have saved my marriage a lot sooner if I hadn't been so dumb.

Quoting IAMmomtotrips:

I completely agree. I divorced my husband after he cheated, but after some time he came back an asked to go to counseling to help us be better coparents. Eventually, it became relationship repair & slowly we put our marriage back together.

My DH setup my phone so his email comes to my phone too. I know his Fb passwords, all credit card passwords, etc. He gave up his privacy to any computers, iPhones, etc. He even calls me when he has to go to the town she lives in to tell me when he arrives and when he leaves.

She used to text him and email him a lot...even up to last year on his birthday (and the affair happened in 2009). He lets me know whenever it has happened and has never ever responded back.

That's what a man who is remorseful and wants to fix a marriage does. The way you are describing your relationship, he has no desire to do this and has no commitment to fixing your marriage.

You need to really consider if its worth it for you.

There's a great book "called after the affair" that helps understand where you stand and if and how to heal. I would say that intense counseling is a must!



Quoting furbabymum:

 First off, he's messing up his body sleeping with his cell phone right next to his head. Numerous studies on that, have him look them up.


Second off, shame on you at this point. My Dh cheated on me, ONCE. There will never, ever be a second time because I will not ever tolerate it happening again. Forgiveness is totally possible and acceptable. I think women should try to forgive infidelity if their partner is truly remorseful and changes. Yours doesn't sound like any of those things. He won't even commit to marriage. You are wasting your time with this guy. Move on. He has no respect for you or your relationship.


 

IAMmomtotrips
by Bronze Member on Jul. 26, 2013 at 5:03 PM
1 mom liked this
I was too entrenched in caring for newborn triplets to even notice the affair, but when I found out, I was done!

But he took the steps to earn my trust back! That's the only way it can work! You can never drag them back to wanting you!


Quoting furbabymum:

 Yup. I required complete openness from my DH for about a year. He went to tons of counseling. We went to tons together. He really, really changed and proved to me he was worth warranting forgiveness. OP isn't writing anything that indicates her guy is the type of man to change.


So unless OP wants more of the same she is probably going to have to leave him. Multiple occurrences with the same response every time....cycle here and she has to get off the merry go round.


Really though, I wouldn't tolerate any of this sneaking around and lying. The only reason it happened the first time is because I was so deeply entrenched in denial I refused to acknowledge what was going on. I do regret that. I could have saved my marriage a lot sooner if I hadn't been so dumb.


Quoting IAMmomtotrips:

I completely agree. I divorced my husband after he cheated, but after some time he came back an asked to go to counseling to help us be better coparents. Eventually, it became relationship repair & slowly we put our marriage back together.

My DH setup my phone so his email comes to my phone too. I know his Fb passwords, all credit card passwords, etc. He gave up his privacy to any computers, iPhones, etc. He even calls me when he has to go to the town she lives in to tell me when he arrives and when he leaves.

She used to text him and email him a lot...even up to last year on his birthday (and the affair happened in 2009). He lets me know whenever it has happened and has never ever responded back.

That's what a man who is remorseful and wants to fix a marriage does. The way you are describing your relationship, he has no desire to do this and has no commitment to fixing your marriage.

You need to really consider if its worth it for you.

There's a great book "called after the affair" that helps understand where you stand and if and how to heal. I would say that intense counseling is a must!




Quoting furbabymum:


 First off, he's messing up his body sleeping with his cell phone right next to his head. Numerous studies on that, have him look them up.



Second off, shame on you at this point. My Dh cheated on me, ONCE. There will never, ever be a second time because I will not ever tolerate it happening again. Forgiveness is totally possible and acceptable. I think women should try to forgive infidelity if their partner is truly remorseful and changes. Yours doesn't sound like any of those things. He won't even commit to marriage. You are wasting your time with this guy. Move on. He has no respect for you or your relationship.



 


Serenity7
by Platinum Member on Jul. 26, 2013 at 5:56 PM

(((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))

 

SunnyDayz-Ahead
by Member on Jul. 27, 2013 at 6:26 PM
1 mom liked this
Definition of crazy: Doing something the same way over & over while expecting a different result. You said after the first time you thought he would change then you gave him the chance to do so and he made it " a few months"...that's it....a few months!!!??? I would have left at that point, I wouldn't even be having to write this if I were you. However...what you need to ask yourself is this: Do you want to be in your mid thirties and still be living the same life?
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