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in love or not...piogs

Posted by on Jul. 28, 2013 at 1:41 AM
  • 11 Replies

Ive been with my husband for 10 yrs (this september). Weve been married over 8 yrs. we have two BEAUTIFUL, WONDERFUL kids. Boy: almost 8 and girl 6 1/2.  We moved in 2 weeks after meeting, got engaged 6 months of being together. got married 2 1.2 yrs after we met (got pregnant during the wedding planning). we are total opposite but sometimes compliment each other that way too. (does that make sense?) we have a stressful, challeging marriage because of the differences. Let me put it this way, We both want the same things (for the most part) just have 2 different ways getting there. so its really hard. so, my thing is, i do love him but im not sure im in love with him. im struggling with that because i would give ANYTHING to be IN LOVE. Im not sure if im staying with him for the right reasons. I do love him, care about him and want the best for him. am i here because of the kids and the idea of being happy. i just dont know. anyone else ever felt this way? im so confused. i dont want to look at my kids 10 yrs from now after being with their dad for 20 yrs and say i wasnt in love with him. i want them to know you dont stay for the wrong reasons. but then i dont want to leave and regert it and put my kids thru all these emotions...

by on Jul. 28, 2013 at 1:41 AM
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by on Jul. 28, 2013 at 3:56 AM
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 I personally don't believe there is a right or wrong answer here. I believe a marriage can work if you choose for it to if you  love a person even if you aren't IN love with them. That is not to say you should or shouldn't or what is right for you, because only YOU  can decide  that, because YOU are the one who has to live with either choice regardless.

I can  give you a few things to think about to help you in your  decision perhaps?

When I was 18 I married someone who was my best friend at the time and who I loved as a person but was not in love with. I also mistakenly thought he would be a good dad and being a mom and having kids was my greatest passion in life. I didn't believe I would ever be capable of falling IN LOVE with anyone in my life (long story and also a mistake) so I thought marrying him since he was very much in love with me would be the best thing. We stayed married for 16 yrs until I finally divorced him for my sake, our kids sakes (I thought they would hate me if I did but  by the time they turned into young teens they ASKED me to leave him to my utter shock). And even though he to this day doesnt feel like it was, it was even for his sake bc I realized everyone deserves to be loved in return  as much  as they love and if you dont love them as much in return I felt it is better to set them free to find   someone who does. (unfortunately my ex chose to never date anyone ever again and became a recluse : (  ) I dont regret leaving him I still think it was the right thing to do and there were other issues too what I regret is marrying him in the first place which I should have never done.

I am now in a marriage where I am married to my new bff (best bff I ever had in my  life ) and I believe is my soulmate I didnt believe in soulmates until I met him and is the love of my life, I am very  much in love and this marriage is sooooo much more fullfilling and joyful and enriching etc. There is a world of difference between this marriage I am in love in and the previous one where I just loved him as a person and a friend.

One of the things I would encourage you to think about that I thought about to help me decide what to do, (and your  results of this thinking may turn out to be different than mine and that's ok too!) Imagine what IF this is the only life you  get? I don't know if it is or not but it's the only one I am sure about 100%, now think ahead to when you  are an old lady on your deathbed reflecting back over your life, what will you  have bigger deeper regrets over at that time do you believe? If you stay with your husband and live out the rest of your life with him? There are going to be pros and cons to that choice but think about how you will feel on your  deathbed if you  do that? Will you be satisfied with that choice or will you be tortured by if only and what ifs? Or if you  leave him (obviously there will be pros and cons to that choice too) Will you  regret that choice more? Try to think of all the potential pros and cons of both choices and think of how you will feel when your life is over, then make the choice that gives you the life you most wish to live with the least regrets.

Good luck.


by on Jul. 28, 2013 at 5:12 AM
1 mom liked this
I don't think i believe in "in love", for me anyway. The only time I have felt in love is when i was with someone I couldn't have or thought i was going to lose. Sorry, I'm no help.
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by Silver Member on Jul. 28, 2013 at 7:11 AM

Well, it almost sounds like me and my DH. Got engaged after 4 months and married 11 months after that. Been married almost 12 years now w 2 kids, a 7 an a 3 year old. Both girls.

Anyway, we are total oppisites as well. I can say definitely I was not IN LOVE with him when we met and got married. And I can say for sure that it has only been within the past year or so that I cannot imagine being with anyone else. (No, I have never ever cheated. Came close in the very beginning, but never acted on it)

I think its good that you both have the same goals. So my suggestion would be to let it go. Both of you need to realize here is no "right" or "wrong" way to get there if you are bot working toward the same thing. Learn to compromise and let go of the "right" and "wrong" way. And also, have date nights, even if at home. Spend time together just you guys tlaking and hanging out. 

You can do this. And it will be so worth it! :)

by on Jul. 28, 2013 at 9:09 AM
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Caring about and loving someone is a choice.  You are married and have children.  That is a choice.  Think about all of the good things you and your husband have/do.  Think of your blessings.  Decide to work on the things you don' like as much.  When you have been married a while, feelings will come and go.  Work at making your marriage the best it can be.  It takes a lot of work to stay married.  Good luck.

by Silver Member on Jul. 28, 2013 at 9:26 AM
Love is a choice.
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by Platinum Member on Jul. 28, 2013 at 10:01 AM

You said: " i do love him but im not sure im in love with him".  The first thing I notice there is that you did not say you aren't in love, you said you aren't sure if you are in love.  So....

What does being "in love" mean to you?   How would you define it?  What's lacking in your relationship with your husband that makes you feel as though you may not be "in love" with him?

by on Jul. 28, 2013 at 10:07 AM
Just remember the reasons you fell in love. Try to find out what it was and if it is still there. Maybe it is just hidden in stress? Work? Or you are both so focused on the kids?

And remember that the grass isn't always greener. The fact that u both want the same things is huge. Just because you have 2 ways of getting there doesn't matter, it's a good thing, being too much alike would be annoying! You may find another man who has different ways of doing things and want different things too . That is a recipe for disaster!

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by on Jul. 29, 2013 at 9:20 PM

thank you guys for all your advice. Im trying hard to figure out everything. Its hard because we have been fighting alot these last couple of days and he is just annoying me. lol but i will figure it out.

by Bronze Member on Jul. 29, 2013 at 9:46 PM

 I love my husband but I'm not in love with him. Doesnt mean I'm walking out the door. This relationship is more than just love in my opnion.

by on Jul. 29, 2013 at 11:15 PM
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Those powerful feelings of love and romance that many people experience, that I have experienced, early in the relationship are not enough to base a decision of a lifelong commitment on nor is the lack of such feelings an absolute indicator that two people won't have a successful and satisfying marriage.  It's not feelings, but the work and committment each person puts into their marriage that determines sustainability. I love my husband but I don't always like him.  He loves me but, of course, he doesn't always like me either. Why do we stay together?  Like you and your husband, my husband and I want many of the same things in life.  We want to raise a family, we want to make a difference, we want to achieve financial independence and we want a satisfying marriage. We know that that last one requires that both of us read about, listen to and study the principles of marriage if we have any hope of achieving this goal.  Afterall, no man or woman is born perfect nor are they born to perfect parents who can teach him or her how to be the perfect spouse. Additionally, we know that the same marital issues we have with each other, we would still have to deal with even if we were married to other people.  That's marriage - problems just signal that two people have more learning and/or growing to do in how they communicate, behave, respond to conflict, etc.

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