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Husband thinks I'm being unreasonable about roommate, thoughts?

Posted by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 12:46 AM
  • 33 Replies

About a month after my husband & I got married his friend/business partner moved in because his gf dumped him & kicked him out. He was living in the nasty flop shack apartements above my FIL's bar but he was getting depressed to the point of contemplating suicide. My husband asked if I was ok with him moving in & I told him I didn't like the idea because we just got married plus we have primary custody of his 4yo but as long as it was very temporary (to save up the money for 1st, last & deposit on better apartment) I could TOLERATE it. 

So this guy has been living here since October. For free. Why? Because my husband owns a small web design business & can't always afford to pay his friend for the coding he does. We already had one big issue with him because he had a gf pretty much move in. She'd stay here during the week, then they'd go somewhere else on weekends. Husband talked to him & she stopped living here.

Since then this guy has been a nonstop irritation to me. He leaves dirty dishes out all the time. Doesn't help with any housework. Won't get a job (outside the house/not working for my husband). And, most recently, took over my desk in the office so I had to move all of my stuff to the living room. There have also been a few occasions where my husband & I have tried to be intimate but his roommate has walked by our closed bedroom door & we had to stop or we had to be quieter because he didn't want his friend to hear us.

After all this crap I've tolerated, he had the nerve to complain to my husband that he felt like I was being hostile & didn't want him here (I wouldn't say hostile, but I was definitely unpleasant.) My husband begged me to make an effort to try to be nice to him & make him feel like this is his home too because he only had 1 year of school left & a year wasn't that long. *que angry argument #1* 

Recently we had another 'she's being mean to me, I'm going to move out' rant & now he's going to be here for 3 years instead of 1 because now he wants his bachelors degree instead of his associates. *Que angry argument #2* My husband says I'm being unreasonable for wanting him to move you after being here since October since it's the least we can do for all the work he does to grow the business. Am I really being unreasonable to not want to share my marriage with this overgrown man-child?

by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 12:46 AM
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by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 12:50 AM
I don't think you're being unreasonable, I think the man is a bad roommate, and you want space to yourself. There needs to be better boundaries, sounds like. It also sounds like you need to talk to the roommate (respectfully) about said boundaries yourself instead of having a middle man in there doing the communication for you. That is, if he stays. Which I think him staying is a bad idea. But if he does, that's my advice.
by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 12:51 AM
1 mom liked this

Your husband should be putting your marriage before everything else.

He should be having a talk with his friend about being more helpful and less invasive. 

I don't think you are being unreasonable. 

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by Silver Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 12:53 AM
Not at all. Remind your Dh again that you agreed that thus was only going to be short term, and you feel that his friend has worn out his welcome.

Tbh, if it were me, I'd probably tell Dh that unless he wanted his marriage to be short term too, the man had thirty days to find a job and move.
by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 1:39 AM

 I agree with what every other lady has shared and advised you so far, 100% in every way!

You and your  marriage should be dh's TOP priority and it's YOUR home too not just dh's and you weren't  keen on  the idea to begin with and it was agreed to reluctantly as short term and having been there since Oct is NOT short term and plans to live there another 1-3 yrs is ridiculous! DH is currently putting his friend above you  and while I trust he is  well intentioned he is in the  wrong.

He can be a good friend and encouraging and emotionally supportive to his friend during this hardtime in  his life without enabling him and sheltering him long term and  putting him above his wife and marriage!

I think you need to put your foot down and remind your dh that you agreed to this  reluctantly for short term and you  have already put up with it far past what you agreed to and that enough is enough, friend's time at your place is up and over and he needs to be given a few weeks to a month max SET MOVE OUT DATE in writing preferably so that you can call the police to have him moved out if he refuses to go. (or check laws in your county to see  how to legally evict him to make sure the law will be on your  side if you  need to go that far I WOULD!)


by Silver Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 1:43 AM
Your husband needs to set appopriate boundaries.
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by Bronze Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 1:44 AM
Well where is he moving to if your dh isn't paying him?also does your dh have a outside gig or is all his income coming from the business?
by Melissa on Jul. 31, 2013 at 6:51 AM

He would have never been there longer than a month.. that's CRAZY!! over my dead body would a friend be put before my marriage. 

by Platinum Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 7:42 AM

 I would be upset too. You agreed to a very temporary arrangement... that to me sounds like a month or two, not a year or three.

Sit down and set boundaries and expectations. If you've let him get away with dirty dishes, he's going to continue leaving dirty dishes, etc.

hugs. You've tolerated more already than I would be able to

by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 7:54 AM

I would not tolerate it.  I am not good with guests as it is and can only deal with a week max!!!  I wouldn't even let my dh's brother's and sister's stay with us for more than a quick visit.  

And to think that your GUEST is being whiney and disrespectful of you...I am on your need space and a chance to breathe!

by Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 7:57 AM
Your husband has put his friend AND his ex before your marriage... time to get out while your still somewhat sane
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