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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

i dont know how to put it to words

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Its not just like one thing in particular that i can point out thats wrong. I just am having a hard time feeling important to my husband. I have listened to all his lies about it gettng better and it has and it hasn't.


Its so hard to explain. Yes it got better and we moved and i am getting a say in being allowed to live at home with our girls. But on the other hand it hurts. It hurts that he allowed me and our girls to go through so much. I just dont feel like he cares.


I asked to talk about some of our issues and he wont. Its like hes living with his head in the ground.


But i just feel like i am nothing but a maid.


Its been a while since we had sex. And honestly, i think id be fine with us never having sex. Is that wrong?


I just dont know what to think or do anymore. I just want a nice, quiet, happy life with my daughters and live for me. Im tired of trying and dealing with his  issues.

by on Aug. 2, 2013 at 1:57 AM
Replies (21-27):
Looking4Truth
by on Aug. 6, 2013 at 6:26 PM

 Holy Cow workerbee116!!!  I can't believe you went through such hell, and at the hands of the man who was supposed to love and cherish you!!!  I must say though that I'm incredibly proud of you for leaving!!  That took real courage!!  Please do NOT blame yourself for what happened to you or your daughter!  Good Grief!  You were the VICTIMS in this!!  Never second-guess yourself either.  You did the very best you knew how to do under the circumstances you were put in at the time. The only person who deserves blame for this is your former hubby and his son!!  It really breaks my heart to hear women blame themselves for being a victim!!  You did nothing to cause any of this to happen....they did!!!  As far I'm concerned, you did a damn good job of surviving under those circumstances, and you should be patting yourself on the back! 

You've also given the OP some very good advice that I hope she takes to heart....but you need to realize that you have nothing to feel bad about or guilty for.  Ugh, us women so easily accept the blame for everything that goes wrong...and especially when it's never our fault!  I wish we would all realize this, and instead of tearing ourselves down all the time, we should be building ourselves up!!  You did very good workerbee116, so be proud of yourself for being a survivor!!! 

I'm proud of you!!

Quoting workerbee116:

Hi, I have been separated from my husband for two years. We had something similar in our lives. I was a mother of two and he was a father of two when we met. we combined families, married two years later and then had another child together. From the time i moved in with him, i had issues with his youngest son. he was disrespectful to me and the kids. i found porn in the house (even in my childrens room), he cursed around me and the kids (he was twelve my oldest 7 and my youngest 4), had friends over all the time, banging up the walls with the basket ball, yelling, cursing, talking about girls in a disrespectful manner and talking back to me when I would say something (I always did too). I would end up having to call his father at work to tell him the deal so it would stop and i would get "ill take care of it". he would also tell me to back off because it was not my child and also question me when his son would try and turn it around, as if i was attacking him (metaphorically). fast forward to a few more years and more issues with him(some involving police coming to our door on three occasions). He just had no respect for anyone, not even the law. I wanted his son to spend more time at his moms so that we could have a break and he could bond with mom. both my husband and his ex were worthless at making this happen. he was finally put into counseling (i drove him to two sessions because neither parent could find the time but i was the bad step mom who needed to butt out and back off of the kid) but he decided he was not going to go any more because "It's bull____". and they let him drop counceling. i pitched a fit. It did not matter. shortly after having my baby, i moved into a seedy hotel with my three kids to get away from them. I could not take the behavior any more. I did not want to raise another child in that atmosphere. unfortunately, i had no money, no job, no family...i went back home. my husband acted like i was the one with the issue. ultimately, i found out later that he had raped my daughter. i fought for two years to put him in jail. during the whole fight, i fought with his dad. he wanted to believe that his son was innocent, which makes my daughter a liar, right? this is basically the only father she has known (she was three when we met). she stayed quiet about it out of fear and not wanting to split up the family. She wanted her baby brother to grow up with a father. she stayed quiet for two years, so that makes her a liar, right? He even accused me of putting my daughter up to lying so that i could get back at my step son for all the hell he put us through. well, it was horrible. i had her in counseling immediately, and she still goes. It's been over two years and i dont think she will ever feel like she is ready to quit counceling. I feel like i did this to her.  i tried to get everyone in counseling. i still tried to salvage my family. eventually i just left. i am not divorced because some part of me still hopes and i am also always broke. i cannot afford to file the papers i filled out years ago. he refuses to pay. he does not want the divorce. he also drinks (always has but thats another issue) and has on many occasions chosen his friends over me. for instance, i had surgery. the doctor told us it would take about three months for me to heal and i would be in the worst pain for weeks. he gave me super strong pain killers which constipated me and made me more miserable. so i went cold turkey on day three. i could not walk, i could not turn over, i could not sit up, i could not make it to the bathroom on my own and he went out. he said "the kids are here if you need anything". i told him it is not their job, it's yours. this was a tuesday night and four days since the last day he went out and he was acting like his a__was on fire to get out of the house. but he did. he stayed out all night. like every time he goes out. did not even call to see if the kids "were handeling it".  just one of many examples i have. when family or friends would comment about me, he would not defend me. i never felt like he had my back. we were robbed twice and he refused to pay for an alarm system. our house was struck by lightning and he would not go out and get more smoke detectors to replace the ones that were zapped and broke. HE WILL NEVER CHANGE! it took me years to realize this. he will never have my back. he will never chose me and the kids over anyone he chooses to side with. I know that it is not my issue. HE needs counseling to deal with something from his past, from his mind and heart. There is something there that makes him this way that i don't understand but i have finally figured out that I cant fix him or make him see me. he says i matter to him but i have not felt it since we dated. this is an 11 yr. old relationship. Do not do that to yourself. be smarter, be quicker. make a change now because your kids need you! i wish i would have left him for good the first time i tried. My daughter would have never had that foul mouthed, evil heart-ed, sick child hurt her. He is now in prison for 18 months. a slap in the face compared to all the years we endured the crap. But in my heart i only have myself to blame.  I should have been stronger. Not more insistent. ultimatums and arguing and getting upset does not work! just go and stay gone! I have a stipulation to the conditions of my step-sons parol that he cannot come near my daughter or ANY of my children. I also put it in my divorce papers. I spoke with an attorney and he said I could. YOu can do that too. YOu can put a condition in there that your husband can have visitation but his brother cannot be anywhere near your children. If your husband violates this, he can be held in contempt of court. Dont worry about hurting his feelings. do whats needed.

 

workerbee116
by on Aug. 6, 2013 at 10:14 PM
2 moms liked this

Well thank you. I still do blame myself because I knew this kid was trouble and I knew I was getting very little back up from his father. I stayed because I loved him. I thought I was taking care of my kids but I put my needs before them, in this case. I don't think I will forgive myself. I have just recently started counseling for myself. I have suffered from depression for a few years but I guess it is a manageable one. I still go to work every day. I still clean my house. My temper is shorter and I am easier to upset so I do recognize that this is not my normal personality. My first thought was to get my kids out, set up my new home and deal with what they were going through first. Now I am trying to take care of myself. I have returned to school (but hit a road block last semester) and have sought therapy. One step. Eventually, I will be divorced and I will see what comes. Thank you for your words. I do hope they help. I did not want this to turn into a forum about my problems but wanted to point out to the author that sometimes we don't listen to our instincts and we should, always. Let someone call you crazy for the choices you make. My husband used to throw it in my face that I left. He called me a runner and said I always run away instead of deal with my problems. He is right, i did run but i did not stay away. That is the most important element. Go and stay away and start over. Being alone, for me, is much better than the pain my family went through. Thanks again.

workerbee116
by on Aug. 6, 2013 at 11:34 PM

 


Quoting Lionpaw:



Quoting workerbee116:

Hi, I have been separated from my husband for two years. We had something similar in our lives. I was a mother of two and he was a father of two when we met. we combined families, married two years later and then had another child together. From the time i moved in with him, i had issues with his youngest son. he was disrespectful to me and the kids. i found porn in the house (even in my childrens room), he cursed around me and the kids (he was twelve my oldest 7 and my youngest 4), had friends over all the time, banging up the walls with the basket ball, yelling, cursing, talking about girls in a disrespectful manner and talking back to me when I would say something (I always did too). I would end up having to call his father at work to tell him the deal so it would stop and i would get "ill take care of it". he would also tell me to back off because it was not my child and also question me when his son would try and turn it around, as if i was attacking him (metaphorically). fast forward to a few more years and more issues with him(some involving police coming to our door on three occasions). He just had no respect for anyone, not even the law. I wanted his son to spend more time at his moms so that we could have a break and he could bond with mom. both my husband and his ex were worthless at making this happen. he was finally put into counseling (i drove him to two sessions because neither parent could find the time but i was the bad step mom who needed to butt out and back off of the kid) but he decided he was not going to go any more because "It's bull____". and they let him drop counceling. i pitched a fit. It did not matter. shortly after having my baby, i moved into a seedy hotel with my three kids to get away from them. I could not take the behavior any more. I did not want to raise another child in that atmosphere. unfortunately, i had no money, no job, no family...i went back home. my husband acted like i was the one with the issue. ultimately, i found out later that he had raped my daughter. i fought for two years to put him in jail. during the whole fight, i fought with his dad. he wanted to believe that his son was innocent, which makes my daughter a liar, right? this is basically the only father she has known (she was three when we met). she stayed quiet about it out of fear and not wanting to split up the family. She wanted her baby brother to grow up with a father. she stayed quiet for two years, so that makes her a liar, right? He even accused me of putting my daughter up to lying so that i could get back at my step son for all the hell he put us through. well, it was horrible. i had her in counseling immediately, and she still goes. It's been over two years and i dont think she will ever feel like she is ready to quit counceling. I feel like i did this to her.  i tried to get everyone in counseling. i still tried to salvage my family. eventually i just left. i am not divorced because some part of me still hopes and i am also always broke. i cannot afford to file the papers i filled out years ago. he refuses to pay. he does not want the divorce. he also drinks (always has but thats another issue) and has on many occasions chosen his friends over me. for instance, i had surgery. the doctor told us it would take about three months for me to heal and i would be in the worst pain for weeks. he gave me super strong pain killers which constipated me and made me more miserable. so i went cold turkey on day three. i could not walk, i could not turn over, i could not sit up, i could not make it to the bathroom on my own and he went out. he said "the kids are here if you need anything". i told him it is not their job, it's yours. this was a tuesday night and four days since the last day he went out and he was acting like his a__was on fire to get out of the house. but he did. he stayed out all night. like every time he goes out. did not even call to see if the kids "were handeling it".  just one of many examples i have. when family or friends would comment about me, he would not defend me. i never felt like he had my back. we were robbed twice and he refused to pay for an alarm system. our house was struck by lightning and he would not go out and get more smoke detectors to replace the ones that were zapped and broke. HE WILL NEVER CHANGE! it took me years to realize this. he will never have my back. he will never chose me and the kids over anyone he chooses to side with. I know that it is not my issue. HE needs counseling to deal with something from his past, from his mind and heart. There is something there that makes him this way that i don't understand but i have finally figured out that I cant fix him or make him see me. he says i matter to him but i have not felt it since we dated. this is an 11 yr. old relationship. Do not do that to yourself. be smarter, be quicker. make a change now because your kids need you! i wish i would have left him for good the first time i tried. My daughter would have never had that foul mouthed, evil heart-ed, sick child hurt her. He is now in prison for 18 months. a slap in the face compared to all the years we endured the crap. But in my heart i only have myself to blame.  I should have been stronger. Not more insistent. ultimatums and arguing and getting upset does not work! just go and stay gone! I have a stipulation to the conditions of my step-sons parol that he cannot come near my daughter or ANY of my children. I also put it in my divorce papers. I spoke with an attorney and he said I could. YOu can do that too. YOu can put a condition in there that your husband can have visitation but his brother cannot be anywhere near your children. If your husband violates this, he can be held in contempt of court. Dont worry about hurting his feelings. do whats needed.

How did you get out? I started earning money from posting articles i write online. But now because he refused to pay anything or do anything with our internet bill its going to be shut off. He ignored it or 3 fucking months.   I am so tired of this shit. I dont even have a phone to call or talk to family. Internet is like the only way i can speak to them.


 

workerbee116
by on Aug. 6, 2013 at 11:44 PM

sorry LP, I may be double posting this ( I cant figure out how to thread correctly) but I dont see my earlier response(i thought i posted) to your question on how I got out, so here it is again....

I talked with my boss first and asked for a raise. I got it and then started socking money away. You can work as a babysitter or house cleaner and get cash. Take some and set it aside and only show a certain amount. I made sure my credit was in order. I talked with my mom. I contacted a Realtor and told her I was looking for my mom who was moving to be closer to me. When i found the house I wanted, I gave him the opportunity (again) to get his self together and stand by me. I also told him I wanted to move. I did not feel safe (truth) and wanted a fresh start. He refused to entertain the idea of moving so I told him I would do it without him. I had a notarized separation document drawn up. this is important so that you can buy a home, or rent, or get credit on your own. In my favor was fact that he was willing to pay child support (starting before I moved and directly deposited into my account so that there was paper proof of income). He even helped with the loan (he is a loan officer so he knew what I needed to do to get a house). He was pretty sure he could just move in when the dust settled. He was willing to cooperate, to a point with ensuring that I could take care of the kids on my own. I don't know how it would work in your situation but think the worst and prepare for it. I even put cash and my credit cards into a safety deposit box (so I would not use them till I needed them). I also had my son on WIC. which my husband did not know about. When I went shopping, I would purchase what we needed but stock up on buy one get one free items and store them in a bin in the garage and one in attic. This was so I would have a full pantry, soap, paper towels, tampons, bottled waters, canned milk, etc...I also had two in a closet and said they were hurricane supplies with first aid, batteries, more food, etc...He would see the deduction from our checking account from grocery store and money that i saved from wic, i took out in cash at check out and socked away for instance if the WIC items totalled $15 and groceries were $150, I would use the debit and pay $100 from checking account, $15 in WIC checks and take $15 dollars out in cash and hide it away). He never looked at the receipts. sometimes (alot) he would question why our grocery bills were so high and I would say, growing baby, diaper wipes, a teenager and all of his friends, my kids, etc...He had a cooked dinner every night so he knew i was buying food. My mother was the biggest help because she paid off my van and loaned  me 5,000 to close on my home. He did not know my van was paid off so I could put the money I used to use on my car into my account. I could not have done it without my moms help. If you have someone like this in your family, lean on them. A mom will protect their child and family members would want to help you do this. I also pawned my wedding ring, engagement ring and some other jewelry. I sold plasma for extra cash. In some places it is $30 per donation and I think it is every other day you can donate. I sold on craigs list. I had garage sales. I went to adult and childrens consignment shops to sell and buy. If I bought something as a gift i would go to a consignment shop first (also freecycle.com is a give away site like craigs list). I would spend like $8 for a designer item with tags on it. wrap it, gift it and sock away the difference and the husband does not know any different. he just knew that i shopped for his kids, grand-kids, parents, etc... and put the families name on it and he was happy with that. If someone gave me a gift, sometimes I would re-gift it at another event and tell my husband that x-amount of $ went to that gift. My church has helped me with utilities after I moved and there are services you will qualify for after you move out. These are food stamps, cash assistance, and even a discounted cell phone. I planned for months.  A lot of this was sneaky and fibbing but you have to get into survival mode. I knew he was not going to help me with money to move, or buy a house. I knew he was not going to grocery shop for me, so I prepared. Keep your credit clear or clear as much as you can but don't wait for this to happen if red flags are hitting you in the face.  Try to think ahead of time and make a mental plan. you don't know if you will have a positive divorce or a negative one so prepare, prepare and prepare some more.

Lionpaw
by on Aug. 7, 2013 at 9:19 AM


Quoting Looking4Truth:

 One question, when you posted that you are, "getting a say in being 'allowed' to 'live at home' with your girls," were you referring to wanting to be a stay at home mom versus a mom who also has an outside job?  I'd appreciate it if you would clarify that a bit. 

As far as everything else goes, I had to read more responses here before I understood what the problem is.  It seems like your hubby is putting the needs of his brother way ahead of you and your girls, and that's just simply wrong in every possible way, especially if his brother is attracted to young girls and children.

Since your dh is refusing to communicate or listen to your concerns, maybe it's time you take your girls out of that house and go stay somewhere else, until he pulls his head out of his rear end and decides that he wants his family back...YOU and the girls!!  Whatever you do, do not let your precious little girls be anywhere near your hubby's brother!  Since your hubby won't do anything to protect you or them, then you have to be the one who does it, even if it means leaving.

Do you have any friends or family you could stay with while your dh figures out who exactly he wants to have in his life?  Is it possible for you to go stay with someone, even if you have to go back to your previous state for a while?  This is such a serious situation you're in, especially since your dh is wearing blinders on his eyes and refuses to acknowledge that this is a potentially disastrous arrangement, especially for your precious little girls!!

Whatever you do, don't feel bad about not wanting to be intimate with your hubby.  How could you even want to be with the way he's dismissing your concerns and feelings.  Stand your ground mom, for your girls and for yourself.  Don't be afraid to leave him either.  Actually, maybe it's time you did some serious thinking about your marriage, and whether or not you want to stay married to a man who has so little regard for not only his wife, but also for the safety and well-being of his own little girls!!  His actions, or lack thereof, are speaking volumes about how he truly feels, and it's not good.

Honestly, I think it's time you leave.....before anything heinous happens to your children.  I know you are feeling deeply hurt and rejected right now, but it appears that your hubby has already made his choice of who is more important to him.  Please think highly enough of yourself to know that you and your girls deserve much better, because YOU DO!!!  Don't be willing to settle for less than you want, need or deserve.  Show that incredibly selfish man you married that you mean business.  Leave!! 

If you choose to leave, there is a possibility that he may come to his senses in time and realize that he lost the best thing he ever had.....but there is also a possibility that he simply won't care that you're gone.  You need to be mentally and emotionally prepared for either of those situations, so that if one of them happens, you'll know just what to do.  I am so very sorry that you're being treated this way, and that your dh is dismissing you and his little girls as if you didn't matter - but stay strong for your children.  You are the first line of defense in keeping them safe from harm.....even if that harm comes from a family member!  My best wishes and thoughts are with you!  Keep us all posted please.  I know that there are a lot of women here who are very concerned for you.

Thank you. It has nothing to do with being a stay at home mom. I worked through both pregnancies and had my last day when i was like 38 weeks, almost 39 weeks with my second. I ended up in labor and delivery before 36 weeks for early labor because i did leave when pregnant. I took our oldest girl and left. The stress of it all sent me into labor and i went home. The dr said it was to high risk for me to leave the state or make the 8 hour trip.


My daughter was having issues being monitored. That at 39 weeks we thought we lost her. It was over 5 minutes before they got a heartbeat or sceen movement in an unltasound. Her delivery was anything but normal. We thought we lost her again then and the dr said we needed an emergency csection but she wouldn't have time for it. So i was like do whatever, get her out safe. He ended up literally reaching in and pullng her out. 


We were both on oxygen, etc for that. She had to stay in the nicu after i was discharged. It just wasn't exactly all planned.


But my husbands family doesnt think i or our daughters belong in the house. As in living or being here. 


I did leave twice, but both my husband and i agree, if i leave a third time there is no coming back. When he said what he did about his brother being allowed around my g

Lionpaw
by on Aug. 7, 2013 at 9:27 AM
1 mom liked this

Around my girls i started packing our stuff. In the arguement he said hed see me in court.


So i took it as it being over. Then when he saw our stuff packed he said he didn't mean it, we'd work on it. 


He said his brother wont come over.


But i just cant get this unsafe feeling / doubt. I just dont get why hed say or do that. I dont get why he would never stand up for us. I just feel like he just doesnt care.


We were going to get divorced. But with our time together at the hospital, they gave us a room at the hospital while she was in the nicu, we reconnected some. We went over some things and he promised real change. That both our girls can celebrate holidays etc, and it doesnt matter what his adult sons rant and rave about, my girls deserve to be happy. 


So for just about a year we had been doing great! Holidays are fun. My oldest girl got her first easter basket on her third easter. They got christmas presents. We moved, been doing a lot of fun things as a family. 


Then he pulled all this crap july 4 th.  It came out of nowhere. :(


He says it wont happen again. But hes said that before. I just cant trust what he says and i think that hurts a lot. He just wont even talk about it. 

Lionpaw
by on Aug. 7, 2013 at 9:42 AM


Quoting workerbee116:

sorry LP, I may be double posting this ( I cant figure out how to thread correctly) but I dont see my earlier response(i thought i posted) to your question on how I got out, so here it is again....

I talked with my boss first and asked for a raise. I got it and then started socking money away. You can work as a babysitter or house cleaner and get cash. Take some and set it aside and only show a certain amount. I made sure my credit was in order. I talked with my mom. I contacted a Realtor and told her I was looking for my mom who was moving to be closer to me. When i found the house I wanted, I gave him the opportunity (again) to get his self together and stand by me. I also told him I wanted to move. I did not feel safe (truth) and wanted a fresh start. He refused to entertain the idea of moving so I told him I would do it without him. I had a notarized separation document drawn up. this is important so that you can buy a home, or rent, or get credit on your own. In my favor was fact that he was willing to pay child support (starting before I moved and directly deposited into my account so that there was paper proof of income). He even helped with the loan (he is a loan officer so he knew what I needed to do to get a house). He was pretty sure he could just move in when the dust settled. He was willing to cooperate, to a point with ensuring that I could take care of the kids on my own. I don't know how it would work in your situation but think the worst and prepare for it. I even put cash and my credit cards into a safety deposit box (so I would not use them till I needed them). I also had my son on WIC. which my husband did not know about. When I went shopping, I would purchase what we needed but stock up on buy one get one free items and store them in a bin in the garage and one in attic. This was so I would have a full pantry, soap, paper towels, tampons, bottled waters, canned milk, etc...I also had two in a closet and said they were hurricane supplies with first aid, batteries, more food, etc...He would see the deduction from our checking account from grocery store and money that i saved from wic, i took out in cash at check out and socked away for instance if the WIC items totalled $15 and groceries were $150, I would use the debit and pay $100 from checking account, $15 in WIC checks and take $15 dollars out in cash and hide it away). He never looked at the receipts. sometimes (alot) he would question why our grocery bills were so high and I would say, growing baby, diaper wipes, a teenager and all of his friends, my kids, etc...He had a cooked dinner every night so he knew i was buying food. My mother was the biggest help because she paid off my van and loaned  me 5,000 to close on my home. He did not know my van was paid off so I could put the money I used to use on my car into my account. I could not have done it without my moms help. If you have someone like this in your family, lean on them. A mom will protect their child and family members would want to help you do this. I also pawned my wedding ring, engagement ring and some other jewelry. I sold plasma for extra cash. In some places it is $30 per donation and I think it is every other day you can donate. I sold on craigs list. I had garage sales. I went to adult and childrens consignment shops to sell and buy. If I bought something as a gift i would go to a consignment shop first (also freecycle.com is a give away site like craigs list). I would spend like $8 for a designer item with tags on it. wrap it, gift it and sock away the difference and the husband does not know any different. he just knew that i shopped for his kids, grand-kids, parents, etc... and put the families name on it and he was happy with that. If someone gave me a gift, sometimes I would re-gift it at another event and tell my husband that x-amount of $ went to that gift. My church has helped me with utilities after I moved and there are services you will qualify for after you move out. These are food stamps, cash assistance, and even a discounted cell phone. I planned for months.  A lot of this was sneaky and fibbing but you have to get into survival mode. I knew he was not going to help me with money to move, or buy a house. I knew he was not going to grocery shop for me, so I prepared. Keep your credit clear or clear as much as you can but don't wait for this to happen if red flags are hitting you in the face.  Try to think ahead of time and make a mental plan. you don't know if you will have a positive divorce or a negative one so prepare, prepare and prepare some more.

Thank you. I tried saving some cash but he found it and flpped. So i told him i had been saving it for christmas. :(  it jst bugs me, that i know he went through a lot of neglect as a kid. He can be such a great dad, but his kids and family are such a problem.


I will say over the last few rounds of drama, at least one of his adult kids is being nice. But it just seems like even if we do get those issues fixed. It really doesnt fix the connection between him and i. I just don't feel it.


I did write a pretty long and nasty letter and sent it through facebook to him, some of hs extended family that was saying shit, etc.


Apparently one of his sons wants to talk to hm this weekend. No clue what it is about, but i just don'tcare what h has to say. I dont wish bad on him, and by all means he should talk with his dad and do whatever with his dad, but i want no parts of him. I think hes a devil and too much like his uncle.

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