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Is this normal?? *background*

Posted by on Aug. 20, 2013 at 7:13 AM
  • 22 Replies

My husband tells me a lot to leave, go, he will leave, or why dont we just split up. He tells me he hates me or parts of me, then he comes back saying its not true that he really loves me. We have had trouble in the past with his family and that has caused some major issues with us. I don't know what to do, I don't know who I am any more. I love him but for most of our marriage I just haven been in love with him. I'm not sure if counseling is an option or not, any advice? 

A few of you ladies asked for background info, so here it goes. His family has treated mr terrible, called me names and encouraged my husband to divorce me. My dd1 is my daughter from before my marriage and my husband has chosen to raise her as his own. This has caused so issues with his family because we don't want the word step used. They don't agree with how we live as they are super religious. It's been everything from threats made to me to never seeing our children. The latest thing his mom said to him was she would never come to see him again and if he died no one would be here. The only problems we have ever have or fought about has been them. At christmas he threaten to divorce me over them, I think the problems with his family has him pulled in different ways. 

by on Aug. 20, 2013 at 7:13 AM
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by on Aug. 20, 2013 at 7:26 AM
For me that wouldn't be normal i wouldn't allow dh to talk to me like that. Hell no! We argue of course but we don't emotionally abuse each other. Counseling is always an option. You both need to want it tho. I've been with dh about 12yrs. We hit a rough patch well a horrific time last year. A lot of bs on top of our son being special needs and I don't know that either of us were prepared or knew how to handle it so it affected us. So we went to counseling. We both faught thro the bs and now we are stronger and better than ever. We aren't perfect we still have struggles but we know how to handle things better. You say you don't know who you are. I'd go for a few sessions alone and then bring your dh with you. I did that. I wish you the best of luck. Don't allow anyone to talk down to you tho.
by on Aug. 20, 2013 at 7:33 AM
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I think we need more context here, but in general it just sounds like he is frustrated and an immature communicator
by Emily on Aug. 20, 2013 at 7:37 AM
Sounds like counseling would probably really help you guys. You need to learn to communicate.
by on Aug. 20, 2013 at 7:49 AM

My huband isn't lik that. We don't argue alot, but when we do, he is good about letting me know he still totally wants to work it out & stick around. 

by on Aug. 20, 2013 at 8:35 AM
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 No its not normal or healthy. And I'll go so far as to say IF that was normal, I'd rather be healthy happy and have peace in my life as a single person than to live like that.

If there is any love between you for sure get counseling. If you don't believe that the love is there anymore then there is no reason to even fight for what's not there.

Only you know the answer to that.


by Gold Member on Aug. 20, 2013 at 8:40 AM

I am sorry no. Disrespect is not normal in a healthy marriage. 

by on Aug. 20, 2013 at 8:49 AM

Can't be sure from your description, because you include so few details about exactly what is said, what exact sort of problems there were with his family, etc.

If what he is saying is truly as random and off key as your description suggests, he may have a mental illness.   No, that wouldn't mean he was 'dangerous' or about to go all Freddie Kruger on you or anyone else.  Only in the movies.

It just means that his comments may seem peculiar or non-sequitur(don't seem to make sense based on the situation) or inconsistent.   His mood may go from very sad to excited, his energ level might go from low and tired to over-excitement, or he may suddenly change his mind about things he seemed to have the opposite idea of, before.  

If that is the problem, he may also be having difficulty at work where he might be getting complaints from a supervisor about being distracted, tired or ineffective.   That kind of depends on the job - some jobs are more of a problem than others.   Something like sales or a job that isn't a set thing every day and requires a lot of fast thinking and change, may be more difficult, where a job that involves more of a routine - well, a person might go for years without work complaints.

So, some people with mental illness have trouble at work, and some only seem to really 'fall apart' at home - especially on the weekends when their time isn't as structured.

So that is a possibility.   His behavior and comments might really not make sense because there's an awful lot going on internally - shifts in moods, anxiety, intense worries.

And many times, when someone has a mental illness, people don't realize it.   Any symptoms the person has, people will see them as being 'lazy' or 'stubborn' or 'irritating'.  They could 'cut it out if they tried harder' or they are 'just trying to get attention'.   There are, in fact, people who act as if mental illness doesn't exist - ie, that anything anyone does is, 'their fault' and they 'meant to act that way'.   With mental illness that just is not always the case.   Mental illness is a biological thing and a disease just like diabetes or asthma.   Needs medical treatment.   And with the right treatment, people manage the illness, instead of it managing them. 

On the other hand it could be that you just aren't telling the whole thing here, which would make his behavior and comments seem really 'off the wall'.   I think that's possible.   You include so few details that it makes me wonder if you just aren't telling the whole story.

Can counseling help?   Sure.   Counseling can help.   Even if the person has a mental illness, it really helps to have someone explain what the symptoms of the illness are, and what to expect from treatment.   That can help a lot - also to encourage the person with the illness, help them manage their illness better.   With some mild mental illnesses medication is not needed.   But with more severe mental illness, no, counseling cannot replace medication.

And no, counselors don't always 'save the marriage'.   But counseling can help you realize whether staying together or divorcing, is the better option.

Usually, people can turn things around.  But quite often, they get too pissed off at each other and they don't want to.   They get to holding grudges and then there is no turning back.

by Platinum Member on Aug. 20, 2013 at 9:43 AM

 not normal. Not healthy.

you should be getting to the bottom of that, and counseling would be the best way to go

by on Aug. 20, 2013 at 10:11 AM

Its not normal, maybe you all could read a communication book together or seek counseling?

by on Aug. 20, 2013 at 10:18 AM

Not normal and don't put up with that shit.

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