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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

He Proposed and 9 months later he says it was a mistake...

Posted by on Aug. 26, 2013 at 12:40 AM
  • 16 Replies

Oh boy, where do I start? To summarize, my s/o and I started dating in 2010 when my son was 2 years old. Our relationship is one of those things that just sort of happened. I wasn't looking, but one casual date turned into many and overnights and "I love you"...after 8 months of dating, I let him meet my son. After a year and a half we moved in together.

Our relationship has had its hurdles: work, trying to blend a family (although he has no children), some issues with my son's biological Dad, some control/alcohol issues (on his side) and some insecurity issues on both of our behalfs. He owns a very successful business and is very well off financially. I work in healthcare and while I don't make nearly as much as him and worked quadruple the hours, I loved my job. It became a source of tension for us; he wanted me home and I didn't want to quit my job. We hit a rough patch in 2012 and started going to counseling. Things improved little by little in our relationship. When my son started kindergarten in 2012, he began having severe behavioral problems. My s/o saw this as an opportunity to convince me to quit my job to be a stay at home mom and also to help him run his company. I finally agreed. In November of 2012, I quit my job. I found it hard to transition and faced a bit of depression.

In January of this year, after almost 3 years together, he proposed!! Unfortunately, we faced some objections from his family, particularly his Mom, as she doesn't care for me too much. Months go by and we still have yet to make any wedding plans. We don't so much as have a date set, let alone anything else. Mostly every time I talk to him about what we envision for our wedding, he shuts down and it becomes an argument. However there have been times where he becomes all about it on his own accord; in 9 months we have looked at 3 venues and have searched for wedding bands, but that's about it. Between family drama, a recent death in the family, stress about work and our personal problems, we have not been getting along very well. However, we always manage to rally together and pull through. Well, a few weeks ago we had a pety argument that got blown way out of proportion. It literally blew up and he told me maybe we should "re-evluate things" which I took as a threat against our engagament. I gave him my ring. After several days of not speaking, we finally spoke and he told me that proposing "seemed like a good idea at the time" and that he finds it nagging that I want to get married. Which really drove me crazy, because last I checked, HE proposed to ME. So, pretty much, he doesn't want to marry me any more, but he still wants us to date and live together. He'd like to continue on as if nothing ever happened. I am having a hard time with this. I don't feel as though you can propose and then...well...take it back and expect everything to be perfect.

Needless to say, I am hurt and confused. And pissed. I know where I've made my mistakes along the way and I make an effort every day to grow and learn, although I may not always be successful. I'm sure he is hurt that I gave him the ring back, however I couldn't have anticipated his spoken words. I am now considering leaving. I don't want to be here any more. I find it difficult to be happy around him, be intimate (not sex, but intimacy), openly and securely discuss my feelings...how can I with the lingering thought in my head that he no longer wants to marry me and that proposing was a mistake, or a novelty at the time...

Can anbody offer me some sound advice? Sorry for the loooong post.

by on Aug. 26, 2013 at 12:40 AM
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Replies (1-10):
MaJay
by on Aug. 26, 2013 at 6:44 AM

BUMP on this one..so sorry i have nothing really to advise you, but so many questions in my head...why doesn't his momma like you? Maybe he re-evaluated because of something his momma told him? Does he love your baby? (And be very honest with this one)..Is it possible to ask him to repeat and elaborate what he said in different words so that you can understand exactly what he meant? Does he often change his mind like this or is it out of character? So sorry about the hurt dear, hope you pul through.....though I totally agree with you about staying with him when you know he has his options open..goodluck xoxo

naenae1712
by Member on Aug. 26, 2013 at 8:48 AM
Bump
Fayanne
by Gold Member on Aug. 26, 2013 at 9:01 AM
4 moms liked this

 aww crap.  I had a huge response almost done and my computer ate it.

Gah!

I spent some time yesterday reading dating/relationship advice online from a site. I know SO loves me deeply, but lately I feel him pulling away a bit. The events of our recents lives have been very stressful, and sometimes I just get sucked into a funk. He recently moved to TN, and the week I spent there helping him move and settle in, I kept thinking he doesn't seem that close to me, physically and emotionally.

Over and over again on this site the messages were: men fall in love with us when we are confident and happy, and focused on what makes US happy. When we become more dependent on them, we actually push them away. The more focused we are on being sure they are happy, the less we focus on ourselves, the more we drive them away.

One woman recounted being very much in love, and wanting a proposal. When she thought it would actually happen one New Year's Eve, she was shocked to hear him say he just wasn't ready. They'd already spent a few years together, had talked about marriage, etc. She was heartbroken and thought 'What will I do if I lose him?' but then almost immediately after thought 'What would he do if HE loses ME?'. Then, she told him as much as she loved him and understood his hesistancy, she wasn't going to sit around while he made up his mind. She began to focus on her own happiness, and made it clear she wasn't going to NOT see other people. He propsed a few weeks later.

I made up my mind after reading that, that I have been relying too much on SO for my happiness. I can't control the stresses in our life, but I can control how I react to them, how much I let or don't let them get to me. So, I am regaining control of my happiness.

We're much more fun to be with, more attractive when we're happy, funny, smiling laughing, and confident. No one likes being around someone who's as much fun as a dead puppy.

So, tell him you understand his concerns and hesistancy. He's certainly entitled to feeling the way he's feeling. Then tell him you're just going to focus on yourself for a while. Make yourself the center of your universe, and see if perhaps you don't once again become the person you were when you first fell in love.

Maybe he'll come around and realize what he's about to lose out on. Maybe he won't, and then that means you're better off without him.

Hugs and good luck.

allmy3girls
by on Aug. 26, 2013 at 10:25 AM
1 mom liked this

sorry for what you had been through  and this might not be what you want to hear but....since he no longer whats to marry you and it was a mistake, as hard as it is  'walk away'  you deserve to be happy and with someone who will treat you and your son with love and respect...yes  it will be hard but it may be for the better  think about you and your son, I dont think I'd want to be in the relationship with him after he told me that  it would drive me crazy and after 3yrs?  sorry   bye  bye...good luck to you  be happy  

furbabymum
by Gold Member on Aug. 26, 2013 at 11:18 AM

 Continue the counseling, alone at the very least. I think you two really need to have the hard conversations. Conversations about what exactly you both expect out of life. If, after you have those talks, you realize you want different things, I think you have to end it. I don't know that I would want my child growing up with this as a model for a relationship. It sounds rather stunted. At the very least if you are going to leave him continue counseling so you don't get into another bad male relationship because it is soundling like you are 2 for 2 right now.

ravis_mommy
by on Aug. 26, 2013 at 12:32 PM

Firstly, thanks for reading and to answer your questions: Mom does not like me because I have a child and a "baby daddy" as she would put it. She's very passive aggressive though; whenever she sees my son she is always giving him gifts and is very good to him. I'd rather it be that way though, my son doesn't need to be punished, so she should stick it to me instead. I know his desire to re-evaluate things is not due to his family because he invited his Mother to a sit down lunch just days before our blow out and told her that if she can't respect his "marriage" or his "wife" (as he's been calling me for months)...that she can pretty much go kick rocks. I will say, he has defended me against his family, very strongly. I know that he loves my son, but they have a rocky relationship. He's known my son since he was 2 and now my son will be 6 in a few weeks. The thing is, up until my son, he's had zero experience with children. I've allowed him the time to find his parenting groove and while he's gotten much better, there are some things he really sucks about. This is a definite source of tension. Lastly, he changes his mind every other day it seems like. And always with the stipulations. For a year he hounded me about not working, then when I finally agreed to be a SAHM he begged me to work with him, now he's recommending that in October I start looking for work. Also, a month ago we mutually agreed that I would come off of birth control because he "really' wants a baby (that sentiment changes every other day too) and a week in after a romp he tells me to go shower and "get those things out" because we don't want any "mistakes"....as if showering somehow prevents fertilization! Any ways, I just can't seem to keep up with him and what he wants and I feel foolish because so much of this is at my expense and I've been allowing it.


Quoting MaJay:

BUMP on this one..so sorry i have nothing really to advise you, but so many questions in my head...why doesn't his momma like you? Maybe he re-evaluated because of something his momma told him? Does he love your baby? (And be very honest with this one)..Is it possible to ask him to repeat and elaborate what he said in different words so that you can understand exactly what he meant? Does he often change his mind like this or is it out of character? So sorry about the hurt dear, hope you pul through.....though I totally agree with you about staying with him when you know he has his options open..goodluck xoxo



ravis_mommy
by on Aug. 26, 2013 at 12:38 PM

Thank you for the wonderful advice! I agree and would like to implement this theory ASAP! It's true though, I am not exactly happy with the way things are and only I can change that. I fought for so long though to NOT depend on him and he insisted that that was what he needed to further this relationship and now that I'm here at home, all of my reservations are coming true. I feel like he sorta pulled a "bait and switch" on me. I'm really tired of being tossed around like a rag doll and need to step back and do some re-evaluating of my own.


Quoting Fayanne:

 aww crap.  I had a huge response almost done and my computer ate it.

Gah!

I spent some time yesterday reading dating/relationship advice online from a site. I know SO loves me deeply, but lately I feel him pulling away a bit. The events of our recents lives have been very stressful, and sometimes I just get sucked into a funk. He recently moved to TN, and the week I spent there helping him move and settle in, I kept thinking he doesn't seem that close to me, physically and emotionally.

Over and over again on this site the messages were: men fall in love with us when we are confident and happy, and focused on what makes US happy. When we become more dependent on them, we actually push them away. The more focused we are on being sure they are happy, the less we focus on ourselves, the more we drive them away.

One woman recounted being very much in love, and wanting a proposal. When she thought it would actually happen one New Year's Eve, she was shocked to hear him say he just wasn't ready. They'd already spent a few years together, had talked about marriage, etc. She was heartbroken and thought 'What will I do if I lose him?' but then almost immediately after thought 'What would he do if HE loses ME?'. Then, she told him as much as she loved him and understood his hesistancy, she wasn't going to sit around while he made up his mind. She began to focus on her own happiness, and made it clear she wasn't going to NOT see other people. He propsed a few weeks later.

I made up my mind after reading that, that I have been relying too much on SO for my happiness. I can't control the stresses in our life, but I can control how I react to them, how much I let or don't let them get to me. So, I am regaining control of my happiness.

We're much more fun to be with, more attractive when we're happy, funny, smiling laughing, and confident. No one likes being around someone who's as much fun as a dead puppy.

So, tell him you understand his concerns and hesistancy. He's certainly entitled to feeling the way he's feeling. Then tell him you're just going to focus on yourself for a while. Make yourself the center of your universe, and see if perhaps you don't once again become the person you were when you first fell in love.

Maybe he'll come around and realize what he's about to lose out on. Maybe he won't, and then that means you're better off without him.

Hugs and good luck.



ravis_mommy
by on Aug. 26, 2013 at 12:44 PM

Thank you...and yes, I agree. There is a huge part of me that just wants to throw in th towel. I'm very conflicted; I love him, but I surely do not like him right now. Which I'm sure is not helping our cause. I hate to even use this word, but I'm also feeling a bit trapped. I coulnd't really move right now even if I wanted to. I have no income, no car, nothing. I'd have to start from scratch. Which is fine, but in the meantime,  am stuck here playing house until I can get my act together enough to move, because otherwise, I have nobody else. I'm really regetting my decision to agree to be a SAHM, and an unmarried one at that. No sense of security whatsoever. Not a very settling feeling.


Quoting allmy3girls:

sorry for what you had been through  and this might not be what you want to hear but....since he no longer whats to marry you and it was a mistake, as hard as it is  'walk away'  you deserve to be happy and with someone who will treat you and your son with love and respect...yes  it will be hard but it may be for the better  think about you and your son, I dont think I'd want to be in the relationship with him after he told me that  it would drive me crazy and after 3yrs?  sorry   bye  bye...good luck to you  be happy  



ravis_mommy
by on Aug. 26, 2013 at 12:46 PM

Continued counseling whether it be together or alone couldn't possibly hurt. I have a terrible track record and it's really quite depressing, but I only have myself to blame. Thanks for your kind words!


Quoting furbabymum:

 Continue the counseling, alone at the very least. I think you two really need to have the hard conversations. Conversations about what exactly you both expect out of life. If, after you have those talks, you realize you want different things, I think you have to end it. I don't know that I would want my child growing up with this as a model for a relationship. It sounds rather stunted. At the very least if you are going to leave him continue counseling so you don't get into another bad male relationship because it is soundling like you are 2 for 2 right now.



allmy3girls
by on Aug. 26, 2013 at 12:54 PM

Hi again, dont beat yourself up, dont hold any regrets about anything, you have a son and thats enough to keep you smiling on the other hand although it is a tough situation and maybe not that easy to walk away ( sorry if I was harsh on that) but you deserve to be happy  and slowly you will  I am lost for words but maybe if you told him how you feel and things need to change maybe he will tell him whats important to you, again  sorry this is happening to you and I wish you luck things will get better

Quoting ravis_mommy:

Thank you...and yes, I agree. There is a huge part of me that just wants to throw in th towel. I'm very conflicted; I love him, but I surely do not like him right now. Which I'm sure is not helping our cause. I hate to even use this word, but I'm also feeling a bit trapped. I coulnd't really move right now even if I wanted to. I have no income, no car, nothing. I'd have to start from scratch. Which is fine, but in the meantime,  am stuck here playing house until I can get my act together enough to move, because otherwise, I have nobody else. I'm really regetting my decision to agree to be a SAHM, and an unmarried one at that. No sense of security whatsoever. Not a very settling feeling.


Quoting allmy3girls:

sorry for what you had been through  and this might not be what you want to hear but....since he no longer whats to marry you and it was a mistake, as hard as it is  'walk away'  you deserve to be happy and with someone who will treat you and your son with love and respect...yes  it will be hard but it may be for the better  think about you and your son, I dont think I'd want to be in the relationship with him after he told me that  it would drive me crazy and after 3yrs?  sorry   bye  bye...good luck to you  be happy  




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