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Am I overreacting? *warning on some language!* UPDATE

Posted by on Aug. 27, 2013 at 10:11 PM
  • 46 Replies

*UPDATE!* This morning he woke me up with cuddles and a kiss and intended to let me sleep. However, that didn't happen, since our son climbed in bed with us at that moment. I still slept while he got dressed (he was a big boy this morning and he did it all by himself! lol), but I did get up to make sure his lunch was together. He didn't ask me to, I just knew it had to be done because I fell asleep last night before I got it together. I'm still going to talk to him, more than likely by writing him a letter, as one mom suggested. Hopefully that'll sink in easier for him.
Okay, I'm going to start this off by saying I truly do love my husband. But I'm so tired of being his maid. I do *everything* for him. He works overtime every week, and when he comes home, I completely understand that he wants to sit back and relax. But seriously? I'm home with our three year old and nine month old all day. When I've been dealing with chaotic children all day, I want to sit down the first chance I get, too. That doesn't mean I want to sit down and have to jump right back up because he asks for something to drink as soon as my ass hits the seat. When I'm on the other side of the house and he's five feet away from the fridge, he asks me to get him something to eat/drink. Seriously?! In the morning when he gets up to get ready for work, it's 5 am. I've already been up and down 4+ times with our nine month old throughout the night. He expects me to get up WITH him and get his stuff together for him. This morning I'd had enough. I'm fucking tired, he never wakes up in the middle of the night to deal with the kids, and they get up early. I want to fucking sleep as long as I'm able to. So when he asked me to get up and get his uniforms from the dryer and bring them to him (even though he said please!), I flipped out and told him repeatedly "NO! You're a big boy, you can do it yourself." He kept asking and I finally angrily threw the covers off, got on my robe, grabbed every single piece of clothing from the dryer, and threw them all on the bed at him (he was still in bed). He looked shocked and confused. I'm not sure why, as this isn't the first time I've had this talk with him. I'm his wife, not his maid. He never helps me with the kids, and when I do ask him, he acts like a child who doesn't get his way. However, after I went back to bed, he didn't bother me again until he told me he loved me and he was going to work. The other night, I was gone the entire day. I'm a SAHM with no car. I never leave the house. So I took the opportunity to take the kids to my mom's house for the day. We had dinner over there. I get home around 7pm, and my husband is sitting there asking me when I'm going to cook dinner. If I had been there, obviously I would have cooked. But he literally sat there starving all day because *I* wasn't there to make him something. He knows how to cook!
I really do appreciate everything he does for us. I hardly ever ask him to do anything, and when I do ask him to do something for me, he doesn't do it. But when he's more than capable of getting up and doing something for himself, and instead asks me to do it, it pisses me off. If he wants a 1950s wife, then he needs to build him a time machine and find one, because it's not me. I do what I have to in the house to make it run smoothly. But that doesn't mean I have to wait on him hand and foot. Again, I'm his wife, not his maid. We've been married for 4.5 years, and it annoys me there's a possibility he'll never get this through his head. He watched his mom do everything for his dad to the point where it was shocking to see his dad do something for himself. I refuse to let our son to think this is a normal thing to expect his future partner to do the same for him, or that my daughter has to be treated as such.
So how would y'all react? Am I overreacting too much? I should add that I'm not a bitch, I talk things out before yelling, but when my talking is clearly never heard, things tend to get bad for the other person. A person can only take but so much of their spouse never listening before they snap.
by on Aug. 27, 2013 at 10:11 PM
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Replies (1-10):
lucky2Beeme
by Silver Member on Aug. 27, 2013 at 10:16 PM

I think you two need to sit down communicate your needs. Talk respectfully and without emotions. Come to a decision on how much you are each willing to give and willing to give up. Until then your marriage will be in turmoil.

GotSomeKids
by Silver Member on Aug. 27, 2013 at 10:21 PM

The hubby and I went through something similar when the kids were younger.  It wasn't until I left him at home with the kids for several hours that he finally figured it out.

In the end, we set up one day a every week (or two) and I would get out of the house.  I usually went to a cafe or book store just to wind down without the kids pawing on me.  We also agreed that the hubby would have at least one big chore to take off my shoulders.  He does the dishes almost everyday despite 12-15 hour work days.

Both of you have to learn to make compromises.

SareyF
by Sarah on Aug. 27, 2013 at 10:24 PM
I don't think you're over reacting at all. I don't have advice for you though other than to just stop. If you have talked about it over and over and he doesn't listen, you just have to stand up for yourself. You tried words so try actions.
aydensXmommy
by on Aug. 27, 2013 at 10:28 PM
I consider myself to be pretty easy to deal with and I tend to compromise more often then others. If we didn't have kids, it would be totally different. I wouldn't mind doing things for him. But I just wasn't raised in a household where my mom did everything for my stepdad, so I guess it was a huge shock when I got married. It's taken me four years to constantly say anything about it before snapping. I'd love to be able to have days where it's *just* me, but even when I do leave him with the kids for several hours, he calls constantly asking when I'm going to be home. I had a funeral to go to a few weeks ago, and he called every hour on the hour asking how much longer I'd be. I feel like I can't win!
Quoting GotSomeKids:

The hubby and I went through something similar when the kids were younger.  It wasn't until I left him at home with the kids for several hours that he finally figured it out.

In the end, we set up one day a every week (or two) and I would get out of the house.  I usually went to a cafe or book store just to wind down without the kids pawing on me.  We also agreed that the hubby would have at least one big chore to take off my shoulders.  He does the dishes almost everyday despite 12-15 hour work days.

Both of you have to learn to make compromises.

jesus.hates.you
by New Member on Aug. 27, 2013 at 10:28 PM
I would stop having kids with him.....
aydensXmommy
by on Aug. 27, 2013 at 10:33 PM
I'm very open to communication, but that definitely seems one-sided. Aside from him expecting me to do everything for him, we have a wonderful marriage. He's a great dad, he makes sure none of us never go without, and he is very loving with me. He just grew up in a household where his parents royally screwed him and his siblings up by making them believe unrealistic things for relationships, thus carrying them over into their own relationships. It sucks that I have to suffer because of his parent's stupidity. That being said, I do love him, and I know he loves me. I want us to shove it in everyone's faces who said we wouldn't work out. So hopefully we can have a civil discussion about it and *something* will penetrate that thick skull of his.
Quoting lucky2Beeme:

I think you two need to sit down communicate your needs. Talk respectfully and without emotions. Come to a decision on how much you are each willing to give and willing to give up. Until then your marriage will be in turmoil.

OliviaW.
by on Aug. 27, 2013 at 10:33 PM
Hate to see what would happen if you left for a week.

My dh acts like that whenever we go see his parents cause his mom waits on his dad hand and foot. When he starts it I start calling him his dad's name.
aydensXmommy
by on Aug. 27, 2013 at 10:34 PM

Wow, thanks for that helpful reply. That's already taken care of though; tubes are tied.

Quoting jesus.hates.you:

I would stop having kids with him.....


aydensXmommy
by on Aug. 27, 2013 at 10:36 PM
Here's to hoping my response this morning drilled something in his head. I don't mind doing stuff for him, just not EVERYTHING, especially when I get nothing in return.
Quoting SareyF:

I don't think you're over reacting at all. I don't have advice for you though other than to just stop. If you have talked about it over and over and he doesn't listen, you just have to stand up for yourself. You tried words so try actions.
GotSomeKids
by Silver Member on Aug. 27, 2013 at 10:37 PM

But, that is still his issue and he needs to realize that.  Ask him how you can help him cope with the kids while your gone.  Tell him it isn't fair that he is calling you all the time and that you don't get the time you need to regroup and regenerate.  Tell him that when you do that, you are more happy and can focus on making him and the kids happy too.  This is especially so when your dealing with things outside the family, such as the funeral you had to go to. 

Quoting aydensXmommy:

I consider myself to be pretty easy to deal with and I tend to compromise more often then others. If we didn't have kids, it would be totally different. I wouldn't mind doing things for him. But I just wasn't raised in a household where my mom did everything for my stepdad, so I guess it was a huge shock when I got married. It's taken me four years to constantly say anything about it before snapping. I'd love to be able to have days where it's *just* me, but even when I do leave him with the kids for several hours, he calls constantly asking when I'm going to be home. I had a funeral to go to a few weeks ago, and he called every hour on the hour asking how much longer I'd be. I feel like I can't win!
Quoting GotSomeKids:

The hubby and I went through something similar when the kids were younger.  It wasn't until I left him at home with the kids for several hours that he finally figured it out.

In the end, we set up one day a every week (or two) and I would get out of the house.  I usually went to a cafe or book store just to wind down without the kids pawing on me.  We also agreed that the hubby would have at least one big chore to take off my shoulders.  He does the dishes almost everyday despite 12-15 hour work days.

Both of you have to learn to make compromises.


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