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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

how to deal with a separation

Posted by on Sep. 5, 2013 at 4:11 PM
  • 24 Replies
So my husband of 20 years wants a separation. We have 3 kids, just moved cross country, and i thought we were happy. We never fought, sex life was better than ever. And 3 days ago he tells me this and leaves me in shock. He says he still loves me but doesnt know if he is in love with me and if he wants to be with me. Hes been depressed, low self esteem, and his career is failing apart. He says he needs to leave and build himself back up and find out what he wants. I agreed to it bc how can he really be happy with me if hes not happy with himself. And maybe once he sees what hes left he will realize what he had. Im having a really tough time with this. Him separating will mean he will be 1700 miles from us. I love him and this heartache is unbearable. Do i let him go or make him wait it out and give him space while he works out of this mental state. Weve qlso talked about cohabiting for the kids sake but i worry that will be too hard for each other. Any thoughts?
by on Sep. 5, 2013 at 4:11 PM
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Replies (1-10):
orchardmoma
by on Sep. 5, 2013 at 4:31 PM
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With him saying hes not sure if hes in love with you makes it more than depression or job related. thats a marriage problem and at some point you guys are going to have to work on your marriage... Which I think is impossible when your 1700 miles apart. Saying that he needs to leave and build himself back up is a cop out. Either you were blind to some very real problems that have been going on with you guys or he's possibly having an affair. Red flags: loves you but not in love with you, needs to leave you to become a better person, needs to leave you to figure out what he wants, all these things point to someone else.  I would say no way to the moving 1700 miles away! You can move two doors down to one of the kids bedrooms and work on this marriage with individual and couples therapy. 

skyla1225
by on Sep. 5, 2013 at 4:36 PM
Yes hes secretly talking to someone on facebook. I questioned him and in turn they both blocked me. He changed his passwords. She also lives where hes going back to. If i let him go he'll be near her and not me. He insists shes just a friend.
LadyBast
by Brenda on Sep. 5, 2013 at 4:54 PM
1 mom liked this

I think if he has to do this then he has to it could be her who knows or he is depressed and needs someone else, if they do not talk you never know and I wish men would understand this..

Good luck!

skyla1225
by on Sep. 5, 2013 at 5:08 PM
But wont i just be pushing him into her arms? I love him and dont want to loose him. I want to fix whatever damage there is and heal our marriage. But if i let him go maybe he'll discover that the grass isnt greener on the other side so to speak?
Melina74
by Member on Sep. 5, 2013 at 5:15 PM
1 mom liked this

You can't fix it alone.  He has to be willing as well.  It seems like right now he's not.  As tough as it may be, your best bet right now is to let him go, and work on you.  Make sure though that he is paying household bills and child support! File for legal separation, because you have to protect yourself and your kids.  I know you are hurting, but you have keep your head up.  If he has a change of heart down the road, IF you even want to take him back at that point, I would require him to do marriage counseling.

orchardmoma
by on Sep. 5, 2013 at 5:17 PM
1 mom liked this


She might be just a friend now only because of distance but if he goes to where she is then it won't remain just  a friendship. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. How long have they been communicating on FB? How long have they kown each other?

Quoting skyla1225:

Yes hes secretly talking to someone on facebook. I questioned him and in turn they both blocked me. He changed his passwords. She also lives where hes going back to. If i let him go he'll be near her and not me. He insists shes just a friend.



RedSoxWife
by Bronze Member on Sep. 5, 2013 at 5:21 PM
3 moms liked this
Oh honey, he's copping out. He's leaving you to go see where things go with her and if they don't work out he's got a place to come back to.

Quoting skyla1225:

Yes hes secretly talking to someone on facebook. I questioned him and in turn they both blocked me. He changed his passwords. She also lives where hes going back to. If i let him go he'll be near her and not me. He insists shes just a friend.
skyla1225
by on Sep. 5, 2013 at 5:25 PM
It started in feb when her brother died. He went to high school with him. It hit hard so he designed a memorial t shirt for her. I dont watch over his shoulder as i trusted him so no idea.

Worse yet i think i may be pregnant.
skyla1225
by on Sep. 5, 2013 at 6:08 PM
Yep just took a test and think im pregnant. Great timing.
furbabymum
by Gold Member on Sep. 5, 2013 at 6:39 PM
1 mom liked this

 Tell him if he leaves that's it. He's cheating emotionally if not physically and the physical is on it's way. Can you work through this, yes. But only if he stays and works on it with you. Him leaving like that.... LEAVING HIS KIDS............I'd fuck him up myself.

I realize you love him but you can't turn a blind eye to this. He can't have his cake and eat it too so to speak. He's putting you on the backburner in case this love affair doesn't work out. Don't let him.

Also, in a good marriage you work through this kind of thing together. You don't need a 1700 mile distance to "find" yourself. I say this as someone who was married when I had to make a drastic life change. It was tougth but he was with me the whole way.

Quoting skyla1225:

Yes hes secretly talking to someone on facebook. I questioned him and in turn they both blocked me. He changed his passwords. She also lives where hes going back to. If i let him go he'll be near her and not me. He insists shes just a friend.

 

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