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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

taking control, finally

Posted by on Sep. 11, 2013 at 10:08 PM
  • 12 Replies

For 33 years I've been married. I've been unhappy after the first 15. I've tried on several occasions to leave but the old, "look what your mom's is doing to our family", or "you kids will just have to learn how to live with a lower lifestyle", or "see how unhappy mom is making everyone else because she thinks only of herself"...the usual pitting kids emotions against mom routine. I gave in because my sons were my world & stupid me, I assumed, I would always be protected by them. Skipping thru details of many years of heartache & years of living thru his lies, porn addiction, his controlling mother, back-handed manipulation using our sons, several high-risk financial decisions gone horribly bad, & the final blow...moving us back to the state I have hated my whole life & I swore I'd never retire in. Now our sons are grown & male bonding is the way they spend their days. I have been "relieved of duty" so to speak. More gently put, I've been fired. I don't get invited to the pro-games, the weekend with the guys on the beach (drinking & quads mom, not enough room in the toy-hauler & the guys will be making guy 'noises'), beer-pong night, game-days bbq's with the guys, ......the list is endless. 

So my dilemma.....I've been told to get counseling, get a hobby, join a club, get a pen pal, make new friends. I don't need counselor to tell me I feel abandon, empty, insignificant, dejected, & lonesome. My hobbies included baseball score keeping, room mother team mom, etc. I hate writing letters & I thought I'd made life-long friends in my sons.

I'm now ready to walk away from them all. I'm ready to start a new, alone. I'd rather be alone and happy than alone & walk steps behind 5 men that treat me like an after thought. It's going to be hard but having control over my own money, travel, living, & future for what life I have left sounds good.   

    

by on Sep. 11, 2013 at 10:08 PM
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Replies (1-10):
PartyGalAnne
by on Sep. 11, 2013 at 11:32 PM
2 moms liked this

Leave the husband, put your thoughts and love for your children down on paper so they KNOW why you left (you didn't leave THEM, you left HIM), and have a happy life.

Fayanne
by Gold Member on Sep. 12, 2013 at 5:51 AM
2 moms liked this

 leave, move on, and let go. Unfortunately your sons learned how to treat you from their father ( a lesson for all the younger moms here who have that "O gee, I want to leave but I don't want my kids in a broken home situation" whine.

I left after nearly 30 years of marriage. My youngest child was angry for nearly two years, but she finally came around when she really saw her father for what he is. The oldest I have not spoken to at all. Everyone tells me to hang in there, though.

You are in charge of your happiness. No one else. You shouldn't expect your kids to grow up to be your friends. It's nice when it happens, but parenting has to demand respect first.

Good luck, keep looking forward. Today is the first day of the rest of your life

                   
    Life is divine chaos
Embrace it.  Forgive  yourself.   Breathe
           And enjoy the ride....   

TommyAbby
by Melissa on Sep. 12, 2013 at 7:25 AM
1 mom liked this

AMEN!!! 


Quoting Fayanne:

 leave, move on, and let go. Unfortunately your sons learned how to treat you from their father ( a lesson for all the younger moms here who have that "O gee, I want to leave but I don't want my kids in a broken home situation" whine.

I left after nearly 30 years of marriage. My youngest child was angry for nearly two years, but she finally came around when she really saw her father for what he is. The oldest I have not spoken to at all. Everyone tells me to hang in there, though.

You are in charge of your happiness. No one else. You shouldn't expect your kids to grow up to be your friends. It's nice when it happens, but parenting has to demand respect first.

Good luck, keep looking forward. Today is the first day of the rest of your life



Chloesmom2004
by Member on Sep. 12, 2013 at 12:46 PM
I think you've paid your dues. Go make you happy and finally live your life. Have fun and good luck!
HopeAlive
by Member on Sep. 12, 2013 at 1:34 PM
1 mom liked this

It sounds like you've really been through a lot...I know you said that you had hoped you'd have a lifelong friendship with your sons, but have you had any female friends to go to for support?

ReadWriteLuv
by Casey on Sep. 12, 2013 at 3:19 PM
X2

Quoting TommyAbby:

AMEN!!! 



Quoting Fayanne:

 leave, move on, and let go. Unfortunately your sons learned how to treat you from their father ( a lesson for all the younger moms here who have that "O gee, I want to leave but I don't want my kids in a broken home situation" whine.


I left after nearly 30 years of marriage. My youngest child was angry for nearly two years, but she finally came around when she really saw her father for what he is. The oldest I have not spoken to at all. Everyone tells me to hang in there, though.


You are in charge of your happiness. No one else. You shouldn't expect your kids to grow up to be your friends. It's nice when it happens, but parenting has to demand respect first.


Good luck, keep looking forward. Today is the first day of the rest of your life




Serenity7
by Platinum Member on Sep. 12, 2013 at 3:23 PM

 (((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))

 

mysonchase
by Member on Sep. 12, 2013 at 10:40 PM

First, thank you for the encouragement. At first I was just venting because I wasn't sure I could get the courage to do anything about my lack of brains. I should have done something a long time ago but I'm sooo scared. I don't know how to be alone & I'm so afraid that once I walk thru those doors, there is no going back. This is what I REALLY want to know...

But ladies, could you, even if you're entitled by law, take 1/2 his retirement? My love has always been in law enforcement so I started working for the State of California. He started a year after I did because the money was good. After a few years I was hurt at work & I was medically retired. In my settlement I receive a nice monthly check for life but he felt my getting another job would be beneficial to the family. After he put in his 23 years our youngest son became stationed back in our home state & had our son call me constantly with, "mom, pleeeese move here, we could hang out & stuff..."! I fell for it & here I am.

The husband is very anal when it comes to his retirement monies. Several co-worker friends we had shared divorce stories with him which he shared with me. Usually how the wife ***** ex-wife TOOK the poor guy's retirement, yada yada yada. CA has strict divorce laws about the division of State worker pensions. Worse part is, our middle son also just found out his divorce will be final on our anniversary a few months away. The big topic of discussion between my husband and my son when our son called to tell us he found out his wife decided she wanted a divorce on the plane ride en route TO their honeymoon was how best to protect his pension in a divorce.  And the hits just keeps coming.....

So now....what would you do? Oh & just for thought, we needed the money because of a financial blunder he put us in so I recently had to sell my shares in a natural gas well my grandfather left me.

I could use the advise. I'm scared. I've NEVER had a girl friend. My life has been my family, working with men, in a mens prison, taking mens sh*t, & understanding the hierarchy of a mans world. I don't even know how to shop for clothes! if it's not a uniform, I'm screwed.   

mysonchase
by Member on Sep. 12, 2013 at 10:52 PM

and you're ok now? Were you all close before you made your decision to leave? What about grandchildren?

I wonder because I have 3 sons. One in OK with a child I adore, one in CA that is in the process of a divorce but wants to marry again someday & have children, & one that lives not far from us now that has a 3 month old (he's in Afghanistan so we help our daughter-in-law watch their son with her parents). Not seeing these babies gorw up would kill me. I know they would travel to see their dad because this place holds so many horrible memories for me I have to leave.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TommyAbby
by Melissa on Sep. 13, 2013 at 6:41 AM

I would talk to your lawyer.. see what can be done about the retirement. I would take a portion of it. You helped support him, raise the kids, and run his household for that long, dammit if I wouldn't be taking part of the retirement of my being a maid.  :)


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