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If you believe love is a choice....

Posted by on Sep. 19, 2013 at 1:04 AM
  • 65 Replies

I know there are at least a few ladies in here that have made that statement..."Love is a choice." Do you mind, explaining your view point to me, please? I know love can be work, and you chose to stay and fight for it or walk away from it. But do you believe that we can choose who we fall in love with as well?

by on Sep. 19, 2013 at 1:04 AM
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by Member on Sep. 19, 2013 at 1:08 AM
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Imo love is not a choice. However, certain actions and the path you take can lead you to choose to be open to involuntary love. Meaning being attracted to the wrong person and choosing to be around him can lead you to fall in love. Just because he's bad for you doesn't mean you can turn love off.

Also with children. If my child grew up to become a murder, I will still love him,.because Love is not a choice
by Ruby Member on Sep. 19, 2013 at 1:21 AM
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I've alwas wondered about that statement too.  To me love is an unconditional, uncontrolable feeling.  I people choose to love their children?  I always ask DH why he loves me and he always says, " I just do." lol  no logical explanation. :)

by Platinum Member on Sep. 19, 2013 at 6:27 AM
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 we don't necessarily choose who we fall in love with, but after we've fallen in love, and have made a commitment to the relationship, especially after marriage, it's a matter of choosing to STAY in love. You make a conscious decision you will continue to act in a loving manner even when you don't necessarily feel the love at a particular moment in time.

So, when your husband is a dickhead and you hear 'leave!'.. it becomes a matter of head over heart, and you remind yourself that you are in a loving relationship, and you 'choose' to continue loving them.

make sense?

    Life is divine chaos
Embrace it.  Forgive  yourself.   Breathe
           And enjoy the ride....   

by Bronze Member on Sep. 19, 2013 at 6:36 AM
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Here are 2 quotes I have often said to myself (these I found on Pinterest):

by on Sep. 19, 2013 at 6:53 AM
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I've heard the adage " who you fall in love with isn't a choice but staying in love is" I think there are certain "types" of people you attracted to because of personality and looks. You can't help it or explain it. If you choose to spend more time with that person, you are essentially choosing to fall in love with them. If they are a selfish jerk, hopefully you will see that and end the relationship without too much heartache. If he's a great guy and you fall madly in love with him and marry him then there are two parts of your brain. The "mushy" love part that hopefully sticks through the years and the daily decision to put his feelings and desires above yours. (He needs to be doing the same or the relationship will suffer)
I love my kids but they seriously drive me nuts sometimes. I feel the same about my husband without the "mother hormones"
by on Sep. 19, 2013 at 7:40 AM
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 To me it is AND  it isn't.

giving mom giftI didn't choose to fall in love with my children before they were even born nor would I ever be able to stop loving them unconditionally just as much even if they did something I HATED and was horrified by like if they became a serial killer. I would be devasted and heartbroken but I would visit them in prison or mental institution regularily and love and try to help them get better inside than what  had brought them to  such a state in the first place even while being forever haunted by the pain and suffering of their victims and their loved ones and aching for them deeply. I would still love my child. I don't know how NOT to love them.

in loveI honestly don't feel like I chose to love my husband Todd. Even though we talked in depth online and on phone before I would even agree to go on first date with him. Upon our first in person  meeting, I know it sounds corny but I swear on my children's souls, that the way I felt when I first looked into his eyes, is inexplicable and nothing even close to how I've ever felt before, it was overwhelming and scary even. I felt like I looked into his eyes and fell INTO his soul and like I had a sudden supernatural like "knowing" that I'd been on a long journey I  hadnt even realized and I was now home and this is where I belonged. Neither Todd nor I were necessarily looking for serious or exclusive relationship with anyone possibly ever, and neither of us believed in soulmates until that day but that day we both agreed we should be exclusive from first date onward and we both believed in soulmates ever since. I am in  absolute AWE of him. I have to say that unlike ANY man I have ever been with or thought I loved to a lesser degree before him, my love for Todd is unconditional.... NOW with that said, he knows that if he were to change and become a bad person somehow  and a cheater and things like that that I could not in my own  best interest live with or allow.... I WOULD leave him, I really would, HOWEVER I would sob myself sick when I did and I would be absolutely crushed and never quite the same inside. I feel like even in that situation I would always love who I knew to be his true best self and always care about him even if he acted in such a way that made it impossible to be with him. He knows all this. If such an unlikely scenario happened I would honestly WISH I could stop loving him and I would pray to God to help me stop loving him so it wouldnt hurt so bad, but I honestly feel like I am incapable of not loving him even if he hurt me horribly and cruely. 

grandmagrandpahugging Ok now as far as my parents who abused me terribly as a child and teen half the  time (we're talking threat of life and death level abuse and now a lifelong case of anxiety panic disorder and post traumatic stress and leaving home at 15 to live homeless just to get away) (the other half the time they spoiled us to make up for it so it was hot and cold) anyway for a long  time I hated them soooo badly that I literally tried to figure out how to murder them  in most painful torturous way I could, my thoughts would even scare myself.without getting caught but was too smart and felt they werent worth me spending life  in prison over. Also my sister and I are like night and day opposites and she is very difficult, you have to walk on  eggshells to have a relationship with her (probably my parents fault too).  But eventually I found out my parents have mental illnessnes severe that were undiagnosed when I was growing up and they didnt know and drs didnt know and thats WHY they did what they did, they really did love me and were horrified and beyond sorry for the  pain they caused and I got them professional help and balanced on meds and now they are balanced and the incredible loving caring giving beautiful human beings they truly are and I CHOSE to forgive them and I CHOSE to love them and I CHOSE to be very very close knit friends with them ever since. And even though my sister is  a difficult person to get along with, I am willing to walk on eggshells just for her because she is worth it and I email her almost daily (she lives far away) and I do special things for her to try to make her still difficult sad life better. I choose to love her.

badAnother CHOICE was when after my divorce I made a dealbreakers list even for guys I meant to only date CASUALLY and nonexclusively that I met online. If they had one of my dealbreakers  I refused to even go out for a cup of coffee with them even if they were drop dead gorgeous and even if they had a lot of other great qualities, because I did not want to put myself in the position of even being at risk of falling in love with them. It was better to not have access to them at all. If I did start to casually date nonexclusively some guy and found out in doing so later he had one  of those dealbreakers even if I really liked him and was attracted to him otherwise, I read my list again when I got home upon my discovery of his dealbreaker and promised myself to never see him or communicate with him upon telling him good by and best wishes we are not a good fit even for casual dating, to help prevent falling in love with someone who was bad news for me and my kids possibly even though falling in love was  not my intention, couldnt take a chance.

 banging head into wallFinally, the guy I married when I was 18 that I shouldnt have. I loved him as a person like I love everyone, and I loved that HE beyond loved me and was obsessed with  me which was comforting and assuring to my absolute feeling of worthlessness and no self esteem and I believed I was incapable literally of being "IN love" with anyone ever, I believed with all my heart I was too broken  to ever be in love. But I wanted a family, I wanted to be loved I wanted security I wanted more than anything to be a mom (almost didnt even care with who at that point sadly). I felt I could make my "FRIEND" who worshipped  the ground I walked on happy by marrying him, I knew I would be loving towards him like I am to everyone and I should be happy because I'd have my babies to put all my passion into. I even TRIED to fall in love  with david but I  couldnt not even after 16 yrs of marriage and 4 kids later, as a matter of fact for many reasons even though to this day 12 yrs after our  divorce he still is in love with me and never healed and never moved on sadly... for various (some very good reasons) over the  years of our marriage I just became more resentful toward him and  grew further and further apart even though that made me feel like a bad person and guilty and like a failure... I could not be in love with him no matter what. I believe we should have never been together at all in the first place and that would have in  the long run been in BOTh of our best interests, I wish even for HIS sake that he'd never met me.



by Bronze Member on Sep. 19, 2013 at 7:44 AM
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perhaps the statement reflects on the fact that love is a verb, an action that you can choose, or not. just because you FEEL, or don't feel, a certain way doesn't mean you have to act in that fashion
by on Sep. 19, 2013 at 8:16 AM
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Everything we do is a choice.

I'm not quite sure I get the question.

by on Sep. 19, 2013 at 8:21 AM
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If you wait for a time in your life where you are completely mature, yes. I fell HARD with two guys when I was 18 and 20. Loves of my life. I just knew they would make horrible husbands and fathers. I waited till I was 26 when I met my husband. He was not my type but was sooooo sweet. Just being mature knew that I couldn't give up on him because he was a catch. I totally fell in love with him on our 3rd date. You cant control love, but you can control who you marry or stay with.
by Brenda on Sep. 19, 2013 at 8:22 AM
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Nope I feel our hearts make the decision and we go along for the ride that is my case... I do not feel Love is a choice, then again some women can close off their hearts and even to their kids you see it all of the time abused or kids not taken care of so to me that is Love being a choice they choose not to love!

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