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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

i want to break down and cry. Or maybe just run his truck into a tree..

Posted by on Sep. 19, 2013 at 3:26 AM
  • 35 Replies

Actually the truck is mine so i wouldnt do that. but i am really really really pissed right now.

short back story, I have an 8 year old in 3rd grade, and i have a almost 2 (in november) year old. i was a SAHM from the time my youngest was born until a week before school started this year so maybe 5-6 weeks ago. I work at night, most days from 3 or 4 until 11:30-midnight. i have Sunday and Thursday off. My husband works during the day from like 5am until 4pm usually. He has the weekends off and holidays (i dont). He also goes to school... Well i should say, he goes to one class for an  hour three times a week. putting him home around 5pm those days

Since I started working nights I figured since I obviously am not home, my husband would help with things like making sure my oldest sons homework gets done, helping him study his spelling words, making sure he does his chores, making sure he is getting to scouts and getting checked off in his book and mainly taking care of the kids like feeding them a good dinner, and making sure they take showers/brush teeth/etc because you know.... that IS the parents job. not MOTHERS job. PARENTS job. i also stupidly assumed thathe would make sure to clean up after them since i kept the house cleaned all day long and it sucks coming home to a trash pit every night. 

Oh also i'd like to add here that i take care of all the bills, all the grocery/whatever shopping, all the appointments with doctors, all the teacher/whatever meetings, and general errand running. I'd also like you to take note of where above I said that I only have Thursday and Sunday off. and go to work at 3 or 4 the other days. My youngest has his nap from 12:30 to 2-2:30pm which basically gives me between 9:20am (which is right after i drop off my oldest to school) until around noon to run errands/clean/cook/do anything when it's not my day off.

okay so why am i mad?

the first two weeks after i started working, i found out that my husband was feeding the kids nothing but sandwiches and a couple pizza's or McDonalds here and there. okay, so i started making freezer meals which basically takes up and entire day to make for the week, oh but then i also have to prep them the day they'll be eaten or my husband wont bother, so with simple salad/side dish making that takes an hour or so out of my day. but whatever at least my kids are actually eating well and feeling full everyday.

my husband literally does not do laundry at all. no i take that back. he washes his own underwear and work clothes. thats it. the kids clothes, nope. not even if i wash and dry them will he put them away. he wont even make sure my oldest puts his OWN clothes away. so i have so many clothes in my laundry room from over the last few weeks, that i almost cant even walk in there. i try to do at least three or four loads a day if i have the time, but i dont always with everything else, and it just seems to build faster than i can get it cleaned.

the house is trashed every single day. i'm not talking about just toys everywhere and stuff out of place, i'm talking about right now, as i speak there is some unknown liquid substance splashed all over the wall, and crumbs of i dont even know what ALL OVER the living room. and guess what. nobody is even allowed to drink or eat in the living room at all in the first place. i feel like its a statement that says "welcome home. clean this shit up."

my son if failing all of his spelling tests. and not getting his daily reading done. then when i try to give him consequences (because although it's really my husband not taking the time to help him, he should also be taking inititave to get it done but all he wants to do is play video games) my husband just doesnt care and lets him do whatever. he gets the homework packet on monday, the spelling test is friday and i dont see him all week. so usually thursday i am trying to cram 20 words into his brain which is pretty uneffective, and then he still doesnt do well. Also, i looked in his scout book yesterday. he hasnt been signed off on anything. like, not even bobcat. oh and his book report hasnt even been started yet..

my son also told me that he hasnt taken a shower in a week since i made him take one on Sunday and i asked if he saw his brother getting a bath and he said no.  apparently they've also been eating out regularly again. idk what the heck they are doing with the freezer meals i prep.. oh and i found out on Sunday that my son's lunch account has been empty for three days and despite me asking my husband to give him some more, he hasnt.. so, yeah.. theres something else i need to take care of. really? how hard is it to drive a block away to the ATM?

oh i forgot to mention that his mother is over hanging out with the kids almost everyday, which means, he's not even watching them. she is..

but the thing i'm pissed off the most at right now, is the fact that i came home tonight and there is a GIGANTIC spidering crack in my $1500 television that i bought with my money that i saved for a freaking long time because it was extra and i had to save little by little, and i havent even had it for a year yet. and ya know what? it's not even about the crack. it's the fact that he cant even tell me HOW it got cracked. he has no idea. i mean, clearly it was my youngest. we catch him trying to throw crap at it all the time.. but the fact that he doesnt even know how it happened just says that he isnt even watching the kids. so what the hell is going on all night?!?!?

i asked him about all of this several different times and he always has the same set of answers. "i was just too busy." "it's really hard to get that done with Porter around." "i just had so many other things to do, i didnt get around to it." 

to which i always answer with the same questions, "busy with what?" - because wtf was he busy with? nothing is done. not even his OWN homework, the place is trashed... so seriously, what were you so busy with? youtube? "wait, but i used to/still do that stuff all the time when Porter is around plus this, this, and this. he's not really that hard to manage. Especially with Andre there to help you with him. and he's not even there when i have him.." - because really... its not that hard. no joke, if you give that kid a truck, motorcycle, train, and a flat surface, he is occupied for hours and hours. and "like what" - because really, nothing is done so what were you doing?

i ask my son what they did on *insert random day* and he'll say things like, we went to Steph and Drews (BIL and SIL's) or we went out to get ice cream, or nothing we just watch tv and dad was on his computer...

its frustrating. not just because i'm the one doing all the work. not just because his excuses are crap. not just because he seems to think he gets to have a social life and i barely even get to see my immediate family because i'm constantly playing the role of Cinderella, but mainly, it's because his responsibilities as a parent are obviously non-existant. his priorities are totally out of whack. but mainly, because when i try to talk to him about it, he says all the things i want to hear and goes back to doing what he wants. and then when i point that out to him as well, he starts to one-up me, like i should be the one doing more etc etc. leaving me feeling like my opinions and feelings dont matter. like i HAVE to carry all the stress of everthing around and he isnt going to help me even carry a tiny little piece of it. and there is nothing i can do about it. and i am totally helpless and i have to sit there and watch it happen and there is NOTHING i can do.

i know this is long, and i rambled a lot.

i just feel so overwhelmed and i dont know what to do.

my husband is a great guy seriously. loving and all that. i just seriously dont understand why this is happening. i know he cares about me. like for real, despite all the things i said here, he really is great. in the 5 years we've known each other he's always been the greatest guy. it's just in these last 5-6 weeks that i'm like who the heck are you? and even then it's like he's not doing it on purpose and he doesnt mean to, but he is anyway for some reason.. idk.

i'm tired of being nice about it, and being mean isnt going to do anything.. so what now?



by on Sep. 19, 2013 at 3:26 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Fayanne
by Gold Member on Sep. 19, 2013 at 5:58 AM

 well... I am gonna hedge a guess here... Did he do any of these things before you started working? I'm gonna say no. So, you've got several well ingrained habits in place. Habits don't change overnight. He doesn't have any experience budgeting time and responsibilities in the parenting department because he's never had to, at least on a regular basis like this.

and.... as most older women know.. you can't assume anything with a man. What's common sense to a mother is rarely common sense for a father.

Sit down with him and TELL him he needs to pick it up on his end.

HELP him budget his time, but don't tell him what to do.... ask him what he thinks he needs to do, and when it might be best to do it. Offer suggestions as to when the best time for homework and baths, etc. might be, and do it all without a condescending tone.

If he hasn't done a lot of parenting in the past, it won't happen over night.

hammack_linda
by Member on Sep. 19, 2013 at 8:13 AM
Oh my gosh. I am so sorry and seeing it from your point I understand. I think you need to sit down and have a long talk with him and explain to him how you feel and STRESS the fact that you do not feel respected whatsoever. If it was me, I'd give him an option, quit school and take care of the kids all day long while I work and make messes for him to clean up or get his shit together and start doing his part.
ReadWriteLuv
by Casey on Sep. 19, 2013 at 8:18 AM
2 moms liked this

Uh, he doesn't sound that great. He sounds like another child. You need to find alternative care for your kids if you are going to continue working.

Quoting little.worthen:


my husband is a great guy seriously. loving and all that. i just seriously dont understand why this is happening. i know he cares about me. like for real, despite all the things i said here, he really is great. in the 5 years we've known each other he's always been the greatest guy. it's just in these last 5-6 weeks that i'm like who the heck are you? and even then it's like he's not doing it on purpose and he doesnt mean to, but he is anyway for some reason.. idk.

i'm tired of being nice about it, and being mean isnt going to do anything.. so what now?




LadyBast
by Brenda on Sep. 19, 2013 at 8:21 AM

Just tell him to help my hubby would do it and he does if I have a doc appt and he is home b/c his new job he goes in late M & F so we have the am he goes to the vet w/us and then he will mop or whatever I want a clean house and yep I am a total bitch when things do not get done and everyone knows this so tell him be a bitch and make him help..

The kids need a schedule and to keep to it bath and bed at a certain time and also homework done make him Man Up to his responsibilities and Now.. I would never toleratete this so just speak up and say WTH are you doing... Good luck!

momto3B
by on Sep. 19, 2013 at 8:22 AM

You can to one of several things:

- tell him if he won't  help then HE needs to find a better paying job and you will quit

- hire a maid

- sit down and having a meeting, complete with notes about what your expectations of him are. What deliverables he has to meet and in what timeframe. Then, negotiate from there. 

- If none of the above works, it is time for counseling. 

ddhb2007
by Bronze Member on Sep. 19, 2013 at 8:50 AM

I understand why you're frustrated.  However, assumptions never turn out the way you think they will.  As I see it, you have a couple of options:

1.  Continue working the evening shift.  Sit down with your husband, and work out a plan for what needs to happen each day or reschedule major things like homework and baths to the mornings before school.

2.  Get a job working days, and put your child into daycare.  That way you'll be home in the evenings to keep the house running.

3.  Go back to being a stay at home mom.

Mrs.Pedro
by Member on Sep. 19, 2013 at 9:08 AM
Sit down with him and make a daily schedule together of what needs to be done and when. Let him choose what time slots each task gets, and negotiate what you can on what tasks he should do. Stick to your guns on the important stuff, and remember to leave him some time to fiddle fart and do his own homework. That way he has an outlined expectation, it is written down so he can't just forget, and post it in a place nobody can miss. As for the food thing, let him have a day or two where they have take out, but the rest of the days he needs to be making what you have set aside(just be sure whatever you make you give detailed instructions on how to heat it and whatnot). When you talk with him don't go about it in a way that is accusing... Just tell him how it has made you feel and that is why the schedule is a necessity.
momNwifey06
by on Sep. 19, 2013 at 9:15 AM

I'm in a very similar boat. I was a SAHM for four years until DH got fired. He got another job right away but we took a $14 an hour pay cut. I got an evening job as a waitress. I still do EVERYTHING around the house. He does take care of the kids (baths, bed, teeth brushed, etc) but I make and prepare dinner before I leave the house and I clean up dinner dishes when I get home at midnight. I do all the laundry all the cleaning all the bills errands everything. The only thing I've asked him to do is clean up the dinner dishes and counters and stuff after the kids eat. It's happened once. They get spoiled when we are SAHM's I think and don't know what to do with the household because they never had to do it. I know that if I just sat down with my husband and told him how I felt, he would try to step it up though. I just rarely see him since I go to work the second he gets home and usually, by the time I'm home, he's in bed. Good luck to you! Just wanted you to know you're not alone. Maybe make a honey-do list everyday for him? I'm considering that.

mommyof20813
by Member on Sep. 19, 2013 at 9:45 AM

for reall this sounds like me and my hubby to a t. besides the broken tv and the ages of out kids.. hopefully it will get better for you! pm if u wanna talk!

MagicTemptation
by Christina on Sep. 19, 2013 at 9:59 AM

I like this. I also liked what another poster said, this is new territory for him. Yes he is a parent, and the things you listed is a parent's job. However, he has had you to handle all those things so he is probably overwhelmed and so just ignores it. (frustrating I know!) 

Tell him if he isn't going to do his share, then he needs to pay for someone else to do it. Make a schedule and post it somewhere visable, with what needs to be done that day, maybe even put in a time schedule for it to help him. 

Quoting momto3B:

You can to one of several things:

- tell him if he won't  help then HE needs to find a better paying job and you will quit

- hire a maid

- sit down and having a meeting, complete with notes about what your expectations of him are. What deliverables he has to meet and in what timeframe. Then, negotiate from there. 

- If none of the above works, it is time for counseling. 


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