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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

I shouldn't have done it and I regret it!

Posted by on Sep. 23, 2013 at 2:01 PM
  • 17 Replies

 I snooped. It was just common curiosity. I couldn't use my computer at home to do some work so I was on my DH's typing like mad. Sometimes I'd have to switch over to the internet and look something up. Well he had all these tabs open. One of which was his FB. It was open to a group page and we were going to go to an event for them so I just clicked over to see what was happening there. I've horrible work ADD. Always skipping around. Anyway, he had a convo up with his best friend. I love his best friend. It's totally hard to get along with my DH so I've always appreciated this guy being in our lives. He has a really messed up marriage. Like total disaster type. Anyway, so he (the best friend) was referring to me as The Warden in the convo. I've seen him do that before and I just roll my eyes because I'm a really laid back wife and they know it. Anyway, we have this event weds night and DH's BF was invited. It's a work type event in which we all get drunk and get tested by the cops. Yes, it's a real thing. lol It's how the cops get tested on their proficiency. Anyhow, they are always short on women which is why I'm doing it this year for the first time. I've always resisted doing it before because someone has to care for the kids and drive his drunk arse home afterward. So I am going with a friend of mine because they have 0 women volunteers. In the convo DH's BF is telling my DH that he doesn't want me to be there because he found 2 really hot skanks he'd like to bring and me being there would be a bummer. My DH responded completely fine. I'm not worried about him cheating on me. They'd ideally like to have 3 women and 3 men so they are still a woman short. So my DH was just saying they need 1 woman and if he brings hot skanks he's just going to be hooking the cops up with her anyway. Wow this got long and ranting. ANYWAY, I can't get over the betrayal of his BF. I'm totally hurt. I thought we'd always got along really well and I really valued him. I was there for him emotionally when his wife left him and I've babysat so he could go out with my DH. I just considered him a friend of mine as well as my DH's. Now I know he's clearly not and I feel like he might be trying to hook my DH up or something. A misery loves company type of thing I assume. Again, not worried about my DH doing anything. So I've been really bitchy since then every time my DH goes out with this guy. I don't want to tell my DH I snooped like that even though it started out totally legitimate. It's not like I set out to snoop. Oh how I wish I hadn't snooped. I can't ask DH to ditch this guy. DH really doesn't make friends well. This is his only friend and they've been friends since school. No way would I ask him to do that plus I really like having him gone doing things. It makes him happier which makes me happier and sometimes I send him off so that I can go do girly things. Should I fess up? Should I confront BF?

by on Sep. 23, 2013 at 2:01 PM
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Replies (1-10):
BonitaM
by Platinum Member on Sep. 23, 2013 at 2:23 PM

Oh wow, what an ass.  I'm sorry.   I would confess and tell DH to tell his friend in case he hasn't already that he needs to respect your marriage.  I'd be livid and DH would understand why.  I'd probably talk to the friend next but not without telling DH what I knew first.  My DH doesn't handle conflict well so when I have an issue with one of his friends that he's not willing to address I tell him that I'll talk to them then.

Skitzic
by on Sep. 23, 2013 at 2:44 PM

I can understand why you're upset, but try not to have any knee jerk reactions...it may be innocent. I sometimes joke around about bringing hookers to events where I'm meeting people, especially if there will be alcohol involved. 

I would talk to both of them, but don't assume the BF is trying to get your DH to eff up. 

MagicTemptation
by Christina on Sep. 23, 2013 at 2:47 PM

The warden... I have read you say that before. Honestly, I kind of see that as true.  Most of your advice on here to others, you state that "that stuff wouldn't fly here, I'ld put my foot down quick." type of attitude. I find that admireable. 

Me, personally I would say something to dh. We have a very open communication relationship. We both can pick up each other's phone, computers, accounts etc...and skim through them. We tend to grab the closest phone or computer if we need to use one.

I would commend your dh for not saying anything out of line to the friend. I would also let him know what the friend's actions hurt. Since, I didn't read the messages, I don't know all of the context... But is it possible that the friend meant he didn't want you there not bc he was hoping to hook your dh up, but that he didn't want you to see that side of him? If the friend was hoping to hit on and be obscene with one or both of those girls, he didn't want your opinion of him to diminish? 

SareyF
by Sarah on Sep. 23, 2013 at 3:40 PM
I have felt the same kind of betrayal from my husband's best friend. It was hard for me for a long time. I was angry and didn't want to see him anymore, which sucked because I am friends with his wife and we would get our families together often. Eventually I got over it. My dh is a grown man and knows how to handle himself. If anything were to happen, it would be dh I held accountable. And, he was dh's friend first. Their friendship trumps whatever friendship his bf and I had/have.
My dh wouldn't care if I confessed to snooping. There's nothing we hide from each other. So if it was really eating away at me I might say something in a non confrontational way. But I think if you trust your dh no matter what, maybe just let it go. I bet if he's a good man and his bf was really being pushy that he'd put him in his place. Jmo. :)
furbabymum
by Gold Member on Sep. 23, 2013 at 3:47 PM

 :P It's true. I have a low tolerance for crap. I guess I equated it with his going out. He goes out whenever he wants and I have no issue with it. So he's certainly not imprisoned at home.

I confessed to DH. Bleh. I do my absolute best not to check up on him anymore. It was a compulsion for me after he cheated and it wasn't healthy. So I decided by myself that I was not going to look at what he was doing anymore. I fear that if I start up again, I'll be all obsessive about it again and I don't want that, so I really try not to look. It's not like I can't look it's that I won't. He's not given me any reason to either.

Maybe his friend is innocent of what I think. It's possible. He is always saying how lucky my DH is and how he wished he had a wife like him. (I know you guys see me being all tough on here but I'm a very giving spouse. I just have fairly high standards for him as well.) So maybe he didn't want to lower my opinion of him but it just felt yucky. Like he was trying to drag my DH down with him.

Quoting MagicTemptation:

The warden... I have read you say that before. Honestly, I kind of see that as true.  Most of your advice on here to others, you state that "that stuff wouldn't fly here, I'ld put my foot down quick." type of attitude. I find that admireable. 

Me, personally I would say something to dh. We have a very open communication relationship. We both can pick up each other's phone, computers, accounts etc...and skim through them. We tend to grab the closest phone or computer if we need to use one.

I would commend your dh for not saying anything out of line to the friend. I would also let him know what the friend's actions hurt. Since, I didn't read the messages, I don't know all of the context... But is it possible that the friend meant he didn't want you there not bc he was hoping to hook your dh up, but that he didn't want you to see that side of him? If the friend was hoping to hit on and be obscene with one or both of those girls, he didn't want your opinion of him to diminish? 

 

furbabymum
by Gold Member on Sep. 23, 2013 at 3:49 PM

 DH's BF is really rather slutty. If he were a girl people would call him a whore. So I can tell ya he doesn't joke about that stuff, he's serious about skanks. lol

Quoting Skitzic:

I can understand why you're upset, but try not to have any knee jerk reactions...it may be innocent. I sometimes joke around about bringing hookers to events where I'm meeting people, especially if there will be alcohol involved. 

I would talk to both of them, but don't assume the BF is trying to get your DH to eff up. 

 

MomToovey
by Marianne on Sep. 23, 2013 at 4:25 PM

 I can absolutely see why he's upset, but I don't know that he means what it sounded like. I just know that my DH's best friend, before he got married, preferred to surround himself with single women, and women who weren't single (aka, me) responded differently to the things he said when he was trying to impress someone. It's more about him wanting to get laid than you being a bother. At least, that's how I took it.

furbabymum
by Gold Member on Sep. 23, 2013 at 4:45 PM

 He's not single. He remarried his ex. He says he did it to save her life. She had no health insurance and was going to die without this surgery. Anyway, it's not a good marriage by any means but he is married so....

Quoting MomToovey:

 I can absolutely see why he's upset, but I don't know that he means what it sounded like. I just know that my DH's best friend, before he got married, preferred to surround himself with single women, and women who weren't single (aka, me) responded differently to the things he said when he was trying to impress someone. It's more about him wanting to get laid than you being a bother. At least, that's how I took it.

 

jenC1978
by Member on Sep. 23, 2013 at 5:28 PM

Just let it go and don't say anything.

ReadWriteLuv
by Casey on Sep. 23, 2013 at 5:40 PM

I hate all of my DH's friends. Problem solved, lmao. He hates all of mine too though, it's fully reciprocated.

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