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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Divorce...when do you move on?

Posted by on Oct. 6, 2013 at 7:05 PM
  • 9 Replies
Yep, I said I would never, but, well. My son gave me permission to finally leave. My husband was OMG verbally abusive, and then physically and it would go in spurts, back and forth great married life, making plans having a blast really being in love, and then another abusive spurt. I tried everything under the sun to save my marriage, I just couldn't do it anymore. my son laid on the couch next to his dad, and said "I don't want you and mommy to live together anymore, you're mean to mommy, you hurt her and you don't love her, so no more"...my son is 5. Now, I started accepting it for what it what was long ago, and have healed as much as one can. My question is, when is it okay to move on? To maybe date again? Is there an acceptable time frame? AND, who in the world is going to want a single mom of 3 kids?
by on Oct. 6, 2013 at 7:05 PM
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Replies (1-9):
Hottmomma607
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SOA tonight!!
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by Trica on Oct. 6, 2013 at 7:24 PM

I am not sure? I think one step at a time is the best!

1.Your marriage is the foundation of your family and kids. If that is not in tact? Then your foundation will crumble ie family/household.

2.Is it hurting the kids more,to see their parents unhappy&miserable?

3. Can this be fixed?

4.Lastly everyone has  a life after break-up/marriage. Why is there so many blended families? It happens

mamatocaleb
by on Oct. 6, 2013 at 7:31 PM

 We have jointly filed for divorce already. We have agreed that it was just too much pain in the household. But, when is the appropriate time to date again? To really put myself out there?

Usagi1023
by Member on Oct. 6, 2013 at 7:46 PM
I would suggest going for it when you feel ready emotionally and physically
LadyBast
by Brenda on Oct. 6, 2013 at 8:01 PM

Wow so sorry and so hard on your son but he said it so he knows at this point you did the right thing and I am so glad for you I know it will be hard but you can do it..

I think the time will show up when you think it is right there is no time and it depends on how long you were together etc but I think your kids should know also that you are going to date again when you do it, if your son will say this to his dad then explain to them you want to meet other guys when the time is right.. I think you will know it but try to find a good one, if any bad vibes stay away.. You will know it also, you have been through it so not again, I know so many women who jump right back to the same place again... But you can and will know when it is right..

Do not think men will not want you b/c of 3 kids, you need to find one that has no kids or divorced and wants to love your kids like his... Good luck!

Mom2Kyle03
by Member on Oct. 7, 2013 at 5:38 PM

I think you will FEEL when you are ready. I started dating a few months before our actual divorce was finalized. We had been separated over a year before he accepted the divorce ( I filed) and it took another 6 months to actually divorce. Once the hurt of the divorce wears off and you can feel good again, then I think it's ok to start dating. # 1 rule though...do NOT, I repeat DO NOT introduce your dates to the kids. Date on your free weekends if at all possible. And there ARE men who will date women with 3 kids. Hell, my friend divorced a douchebag and found a wealthy man who took in her and her 3 kids and now she's a sahm living the dream...it DOES happen :)

Verrine
by Bronze Member on Oct. 7, 2013 at 6:39 PM

BEFORE you start dating anyone, get in some therapy to find out what made you attracted to someone who was abusive. Otherwise, you will likely get with another jerk. Give yourself at least a year before dating. 

Is being single the rest of your life really such an awful idea compared to being in a relationship with someone like that? A lot of women with kids find decent men, so that is not a barrier. You are pretty. You look kind of like Drew Barrymore.  

melly_v88
by on Oct. 7, 2013 at 6:41 PM
It's definitely okay to move on when you feel ready. A lot of really amazing guys are still out there who doesn't care if you have kids, :)
Fayanne
by Gold Member on Oct. 7, 2013 at 7:40 PM
1 mom liked this

 well...

so many opinions.

Life is short, you are entitled to happiness.. but  if you have little ones, you have got to be careful for their sake. They don't need to see you bouncing around. And... be mindful of the court of public opinion. Especially if you have little ones.

If you haven't finalized your divorce yet, I'd wait. It's a huge rollercoaster when it's on good terms, and if he is verbally abusive, he'll likely make it worse. Take time to deal with that, with being a single parent, and heal.

Grieve. Be angry. Be happy. Be indedpendent. Just don't be stupid. It's common to find someone -anyone- to latch on to too soon, just to prove to yourself you are still desirable. DON'T.

When you've learned to manage your own happiness again, you can start to poke your toes back into the dating scene. Carefully.

I left after 28 years of marriage, and actually started dating before my divorce was final. I am still seeing the same man, but the dating complicated things unnecessarily. 

I had split from the Ex for about a year, 6 years prior to the divorce process beginning, and went through all the emotional turmoil then. After trying to put the marriage together and failing, I was ready to move on pretty quickly. However, my kids (3 girls) were all older at that point. Did they still have issues with me moving on? Yes, two of them more than the other.  When you have little ones, it's not all about you. Whomever you bring into your life, you are also bringing into theirs. And, every relationship you have teaches them about what their relationships should be like in the future.

Good luck.

                   
    Life is divine chaos
Embrace it.  Forgive  yourself.   Breathe
           And enjoy the ride....   

CampClan
by Member on Oct. 7, 2013 at 8:14 PM

I used to ask who would want to date a single mom with 5 kids! And guess what- the right guy may or may not ever come along for me or for you. BUT that doesn't get me down.

I thought I was ready the moment the ink of the divorce papers was dry back in April of 2012). But I would get frustrated with not finding "the right guy" on those stupid dating sites. So frustrated I would cry. I would send out so many messages & not get a single one back. So I finally gave up a few months ago. 

And then it happened. Single guy at my own church. I messaged him on FB regarding a group on Sunday nights that I taught for kids- thought maybe he would like to bring his 3 boys. You know what happened? He said "Forgive me but I didn't realize who you were at first- all I thought was WOW who is THAT! From there we talked almost daily. We have been out on one date so far. But he doesn't seem too put off by the number of kids I have (heck he came from a family of 5 himself!).

What I'm trying to say is- it may or may not happen but you just have to not focus on making it happen. KWIM? Just take the time to focus on you & your DS for now. Especially if you are still legally married. You don't want dating to muddle up your divorce somehow. 

Just relax & have fun & just go with the flow of things.

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