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I don't want to start/cause problems... *Edited

Posted by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 10:18 AM
  • 13 Replies

First I want to say my DH and I dont hide anything from each other.  We talk/share everything.  This is how I know what his texts say, I dont go snooping.

That being said, my DH has a woman friend, he has known her for many years but they have only started talking regularly the last 4-5 years.  I have met her a few times and generally had no problem with her.  But for the last month or so she has started saying things that are starting to raise my hackles.  DH isnt taking it seriously and says she is joking or doesnt mean what I think she means.  I was just wondering if I am over reacting or if others would have a problem with this.

Some examples:

"Are you sure your wife doesn't have a problem with us talking?"  (started out of no where last month)

"I dont want to start/cause any problems" (in reference to her "knowing" I have a problem with her and her texting my DH, yet she doesnt ever offer to stop texting and if DH doesnt text her she sends a hurt type comment or blames me)

"Guess your wife wont let you talk to me" (after DH doesnt answer her within a certain amount of time)

"well you should be on your way home now, talk to you tomorrow."  (almost an everyday thing starting last month, about the same time as the "your wife doesnt want you talking to me" stuff started)

To me this is all saying she is trying to start stuff between DH and myself.  She knows DH lets me read her texts.  DH has told her I dont have a problem with her when this all started.  Oh, she is always the one to innitiate any correspondance.  I will elaborate and answer questions, just not sure what is relevant and didnt want a huge post full of stuf that didnt help.

*Edit

I just want to clairfy, I do not go snooping through my DH's phone and he doesnt snoop or look for things expecting to find something wrong.  Sometimes we just see something that we need to talk about.  Example, I was bored the other day so grabbed DH's phone and looked through his pics, texts, played one of his games.  He has done the same thing with my phone for the same reason.  This is how I seen these texts and how I know approximately when it started not because I'm keeping specific tabs on their communication.

by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 10:18 AM
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Replies (1-10):
ShortCakeScrap
by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 10:23 AM

Personally, I would have a problem with it.  To me, it sounds like she is trying to start something or put something in your husbands mind about you having a problem with her.  Since she is the one starting the conversation and on a daily basis.........I think she has a thing for your husband.  Just by reading her text, that's the vibe I'm getting.  Does he text/talk to his guy buddies every single day?

Jwick
by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 10:30 AM

All is regular, close guy friends he works with so he talks to them face to face everyday.  The 1 or 2 friends he has that he doesnt work with he will text once a week, maybe, if he doesnt happen to see them throughout the week.  The couple other woman friends he has he will text maybe once a month or every other month to see how they are doing.  I can remember maybe a handfull of times in the last 5 years he has text this spicific woman first.  But it was always after something important, like once she ended up in the ER and the next day he text her to see if she was ok.


Quoting ShortCakeScrap:

Personally, I would have a problem with it.  To me, it sounds like she is trying to start something or put something in your husbands mind about you having a problem with her.  Since she is the one starting the conversation and on a daily basis.........I think she has a thing for your husband.  Just by reading her text, that's the vibe I'm getting.  Does he text/talk to his guy buddies every single day?



kjfamily
by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 10:41 AM
If you don't have a problem with it why do you read all his texts and know how often he texts people? You do sound like a control freak or insecure.
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Jwick
by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 11:04 AM

I didnt have a problem until she started texting those things.  I dont check his phone every single day.  Its a trust thing with us.  He goes through my texts whenever he wants too.  We share the same email address and can open each others messages if we want.  He opens my snail mail and I open his.  There is nothing hidden between us.  

He had a past relationship the exact oposite and it ended very baddly when he found out she was having an affair.  When he went back through things he found out it had been going on for a while.  At the begining of our relationship we talked about it and decided this is the way we would do things.  Its worked for us so far.


Quoting kjfamily:

If you don't have a problem with it why do you read all his texts and know how often he texts people? You do sound like a control freak or insecure.



MsTessie
by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 11:08 AM

My DH has female friends that he talks to and I'm fine with that. Even though I can go thru his phone, I don't feel the need to. I think the woman in your case is trying t feel your hushand out to see if there's an issue with the two of them talking. She may be starting to like him as more than a friend.

furbabymum
by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 11:08 AM

 I have to admit, I agree with this. I mean my DH would let me read his texts but why on Earth would I want to? I've got shit to do and I trust him.

Quoting kjfamily:

If you don't have a problem with it why do you read all his texts and know how often he texts people? You do sound like a control freak or insecure.

 That said, yes her texts would annoy me and I'd be telling my DH to put the brakes on it or else. Even if he's not reciprocating in kind she's being a bitch and I'd want him to either insist she shows me respect as his wife or cut down communication.

Hottmomma607
by Trica on Oct. 9, 2013 at 11:16 AM
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I agree! It sounds weird that you read every single texts from her! Or his text at all! Its not about hiding any secrest from spouse but hey what do I know? I only been happily married for 17yrs.!

Quoting furbabymum:

 I have to admit, I agree with this. I mean my DH would let me read his texts but why on Earth would I want to? I've got shit to do and I trust him.

Quoting kjfamily:

If you don't have a problem with it why do you read all his texts and know how often he texts people? You do sound like a control freak or insecure.

 That said, yes her texts would annoy me and I'd be telling my DH to put the brakes on it or else. Even if he's not reciprocating in kind she's being a bitch and I'd want him to either insist she shows me respect as his wife or cut down communication.


RheaF
by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 11:20 AM
1 mom liked this

 I would have a problem with it. First off, you expressed your concern over this woman to him and he is still texting her. Exreme disrespect IMO, from both of them (since she knows this). Secondly, she seems to be getting jealous of you, a BIG red flag. You need to seriously confront your DH about this.

As for "checking" texts, if you feel the need to check on each other, there is a problem. DH and I both have an open policy with phones. Neither of us locks our phones, and if something pops up, we are free to read them(he will have me go read a text every now and then if it has to do with me or something we are involved in). However, we do not go snooping through each others phones. There is simply no need to, because I fully trust myDH and he trusts me. It really sounds like you two need to work some stuff out.

raschwittay
by Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 12:12 PM
1 mom liked this
I see no problem with checking texts. Snooping? It's YOUR husband. Check his phone. Who cares!?

I would have a real problem with these texts. It's crossing a boundary that shouldn't be crossed.

When your relationship is being discussed with the opposite sex, it's inappropriate.

Trust or not, this woman is not respecting your relationship and needs to be ridden of.

Just be upfront, Strong, and tell him your expectations.

Your husband will survive without this one female friend. He has more female friends that respect your marriage.
Anryan
by Platinum Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 12:28 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting Jwick:

First I want to say my DH and I dont hide anything from each other.  We talk/share everything.  This is how I know what his texts say, I dont go snooping.

That being said, my DH has a woman friend, he has known her for many years but they have only started talking regularly the last 4-5 years.  I have met her a few times and generally had no problem with her.  But for the last month or so she has started saying things that are starting to raise my hackles.  DH isnt taking it seriously and says she is joking or doesnt mean what I think she means.  I was just wondering if I am over reacting or if others would have a problem with this.

I , and both my guys, have friends of the opposite gender and text/talk alot to them...a couple in particular as my best friend outside of DAvid is another man i have known forever and DAvid talks to a girl he has known forever too..  Anyway....

Some examples:

"Are you sure your wife doesn't have a problem with us talking?"  (started out of no where last month)

"I dont want to start/cause any problems" (in reference to her "knowing" I have a problem with her and her texting my DH, yet she doesnt ever offer to stop texting and if DH doesnt text her she sends a hurt type comment or blames me)

We have both been asked these questions before but it was out of respect because our friends wanted to make sure that there were no issues.  I think this is a mature thing to ask someone if your friends of the opposite sex and know yoru friends wife / husband may have issues.

"Guess your wife wont let you talk to me" (after DH doesnt answer her within a certain amount of time)

This is very snarky and should be addressed....by stating something along the lines of "That is rude/disrespectful and i don't appreciate a friend talking about my loved one that way" is appropriate and makes the friend understand how they feel about thier spouse.

"well you should be on your way home now, talk to you tomorrow."  (almost an everyday thing starting last month, about the same time as the "your wife doesnt want you talking to me" stuff started)

This is what i say to my friend in PA, mostly becuase i respect that he has a family and they need his time as well.  It isn't because i am afraid he isn't allowed to talk to me its because his family comes first and that is thier time.  I do text him in the evenings from time to time but usually later in the evening and if he doesn't respond i dont' care lol.

I will tell you that we have a much different relationship then most out there and i will tell my friend in PA  'night, love you" and he will respond with the same.  It is true, we love each other because we are very close friends and have been for years and years.  It doesn't take away from his relationships with his wife and family nor does it take from mine, but again, we are very different people lol.  You have to decide what is ok with you and if something isn't ok then you need to address it.  If you have met her and talked to her then....TALK TO HER.  The more you just stay on the fringes hearing/reading/seeing what you do you will only fuel your emotions while solving NOTHING...Address the issue with her and if possible with both of them at the same time. Get on the same page so that everyone knows where they stand an no one is left feeling like you are right now.

To me this is all saying she is trying to start stuff between DH and myself.  She knows DH lets me read her texts.  DH has told her I dont have a problem with her when this all started.  Oh, she is always the one to innitiate any correspondance.  I will elaborate and answer questions, just not sure what is relevant and didnt want a huge post full of stuf that didnt help.

*Edit

I just want to clairfy, I do not go snooping through my DH's phone and he doesnt snoop or look for things expecting to find something wrong.  Sometimes we just see something that we need to talk about.  Example, I was bored the other day so grabbed DH's phone and looked through his pics, texts, played one of his games.  He has done the same thing with my phone for the same reason.  This is how I seen these texts and how I know approximately when it started not because I'm keeping specific tabs on their communication.


Anryan,

Wife to.....

  David    and   Irish

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