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My husband drives me ape $$!!. Just venting.

Posted by on Oct. 26, 2013 at 5:42 PM
  • 8 Replies

We just got into a pretty good argument . I find it so incredibly hard to avoid fighting with him. I don't want to fight but damn if he don't push my buttons. I'm not saying this to name call but the only way to make a long story short is he's such an idiot. He thinks to highly of himself and thinks he can talk to me like he's my friggin' daddy and I deserve punishment. I didn't even do anything wrong really. God forbid I turn the heater on because its friggin' cold. He falls asleep with a blanket, a sweat suit and a heating pad, wakes up sweating and grouchy. Then he proceeds to talk to me like I'm some sort of idiot for turning the heat on. He starts explaining in a condescending pissed off tone that I should realize how the heat works around here. That since we now live in a two story house, its going to be hotter upstairs.....well duh. It was still cold enough to turn the heat on. I tell him he don't have to talk to me in that way ( and in all fairness I might have had a tone to at this point) . God forbid, I point that out, then the argument begins and it escalates. He calls me a bitch in front of our daughter....yada, yada....fast forward, now I'm acting stupid just like him and telling him what a you know what he is. Why, WHY do I stoop to this level with him? I end up acting just like him. Ugh....I'm so sick to death of this stupid mess. Such a dumb thing to have an argument over to. I can't for the life of me seem to be able to put on the brakes when it comes to getting in these arguments with him. I shut myself in the bathroom, plugged my ears so I can calm down. So this argument won't go on and on and he standing outside the door just yelling at me. He drives me crazy. Anyone else feel like this or do I(we) have Anger management issues? Thanks for reading my rant. :-) just wondering if this is normal. I've never felt this angered by anyone but him.

by on Oct. 26, 2013 at 5:42 PM
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Replies (1-8):
kajira
by on Oct. 26, 2013 at 5:50 PM
1 mom liked this

Get this book "Dance of Anger" by harriet lerner.

Read it. Apply the techniques for communication, especially in dealing with anger.

You can't change him, but you can change yourself, and often, how YOU respond, can alter the entire thing... You both are contributing to the problem, but since you can't dictate him, change you. I bet if you change how you engage with him, he's behavior and reactions too you will change too... it will be a subconcious thing on his part, but since you can't make him change, start with you and see if discussions alter in how they play out.

Fayanne
by Platinum Member on Oct. 26, 2013 at 6:22 PM
1 mom liked this

 never read the book the previous poster mentioned, but we learn how to handle conflict from our parents, maybe he's learned his routine from his parents... and it's hard to avoid getting sucked into the same behaviors, sometimes.

Learning to diffuse before it escalates is always a good thing. good luck.

mommie2madison
by on Oct. 26, 2013 at 6:33 PM
Its normal for couples who dont communicate well. That's not meant harshly. These are the types of things therapy can help with. Google "Gottman's four horsemen of the apocalypse" - not bible version, psychology version. If you cant get outside help, try some of Gottman's advice. He has a great success rate. At the least - make written rules for fighting. And understand that in emotional crisis - they will get broken. Accept that - we are all human.
christina259
by Member on Oct. 26, 2013 at 9:30 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting mommie2madison:

Its normal for couples who dont communicate well. That's not meant harshly. These are the types of things therapy can help with. Google "Gottman's four horsemen of the apocalypse" - not bible version, psychology version. If you cant get outside help, try some of Gottman's advice. He has a great success rate. At the least - make written rules for fighting. And understand that in emotional crisis - they will get broken. Accept that - we are all human.

That last comment is so true. I haven't read that one yet. I've read things before trying to figure this out.  I find myself not following the advice that I've read because when the argument escalates I'm so wound up that I don't even remember what I've learned, at least not for the 30 seconds I saw red, lol. I think dh gets frustrated to the point he starts name calling and defending his actions which really don't help me to calm down. I know that's the wrong way to resolve an argument. He won't read anything or get counseling. He does on occassion come back and apologize so that's a good thing. I apologize to for losing it. I just wish these kind of over the top arguments would disappear forever.It helps to think of things the way you mentioned (that in an emotional crisis, they will get broken) it does sound so human and it helps to forgive my husband and myself and hopefully handle it better the next time. Thanks for the suggestion, I'll check it out.

mommie2madison
by on Oct. 26, 2013 at 9:38 PM
Awww - I can totally relate. My ex-hb knew exactly how to push my buttons. And we would fight so bad. In the end I would be more mad at myself for letting him get to me than I was at whatever caused the fight. We did counseling (two separate stretches of it) - it didnt fix our issues - but I got a lot out of it as far as personal development & growth. It certainly helped me & helps my new marriage to be successful. DH & I dont fight often - but when we do we try to follow the "rules" & when one slips up we say "Muskrat" (like in meet the parents - movie), & that usually makes us chuckle enough that we get calm & back on track TALKING instead of fighting. Good luck! Even if he doesnt want to put the effort in - you can - and you can both benefit from just that! (Hugs)


Quoting christina259:


Quoting mommie2madison:

Its normal for couples who dont communicate well. That's not meant harshly. These are the types of things therapy can help with. Google "Gottman's four horsemen of the apocalypse" - not bible version, psychology version. If you cant get outside help, try some of Gottman's advice. He has a great success rate. At the least - make written rules for fighting. And understand that in emotional crisis - they will get broken. Accept that - we are all human.

That last comment is so true. I haven't read that one yet. I've read things before trying to figure this out.  I find myself not following the advice that I've read because when the argument escalates I'm so wound up that I don't even remember what I've learned, at least not for the 30 seconds I saw red, lol. I think dh gets frustrated to the point he starts name calling and defending his actions which really don't help me to calm down. I know that's the wrong way to resolve an argument. He won't read anything or get counseling. He does on occassion come back and apologize so that's a good thing. I apologize to for losing it. I just wish these kind of over the top arguments would disappear forever.It helps to think of things the way you mentioned (that in an emotional crisis, they will get broken) it does sound so human and it helps to forgive my husband and myself and hopefully handle it better the next time. Thanks for the suggestion, I'll check it out.


christina259
by Member on Oct. 26, 2013 at 9:50 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting mommie2madison:

Awww - I can totally relate. My ex-hb knew exactly how to push my buttons. And we would fight so bad. In the end I would be more mad at myself for letting him get to me than I was at whatever caused the fight. We did counseling (two separate stretches of it) - it didnt fix our issues - but I got a lot out of it as far as personal development & growth. It certainly helped me & helps my new marriage to be successful. DH & I dont fight often - but when we do we try to follow the "rules" & when one slips up we say "Muskrat" (like in meet the parents - movie), & that usually makes us chuckle enough that we get calm & back on track TALKING instead of fighting. Good luck! Even if he doesnt want to put the effort in - you can - and you can both benefit from just that! (Hugs)


Quoting christina259:


Quoting mommie2madison:

Its normal for couples who dont communicate well. That's not meant harshly. These are the types of things therapy can help with. Google "Gottman's four horsemen of the apocalypse" - not bible version, psychology version. If you cant get outside help, try some of Gottman's advice. He has a great success rate. At the least - make written rules for fighting. And understand that in emotional crisis - they will get broken. Accept that - we are all human.

That last comment is so true. I haven't read that one yet. I've read things before trying to figure this out.  I find myself not following the advice that I've read because when the argument escalates I'm so wound up that I don't even remember what I've learned, at least not for the 30 seconds I saw red, lol. I think dh gets frustrated to the point he starts name calling and defending his actions which really don't help me to calm down. I know that's the wrong way to resolve an argument. He won't read anything or get counseling. He does on occassion come back and apologize so that's a good thing. I apologize to for losing it. I just wish these kind of over the top arguments would disappear forever.It helps to think of things the way you mentioned (that in an emotional crisis, they will get broken) it does sound so human and it helps to forgive my husband and myself and hopefully handle it better the next time. Thanks for the suggestion, I'll check it out.


I love that. That is so funny. My husband  and I like that show. I actually might do that. At times when I sense our conversation going south, I try to be funny and it does help .

roseblossom90
by on Oct. 26, 2013 at 9:58 PM
1 mom liked this

I thing getting annoyed and fighting over stupid stuff happens to every couple once in a while. DH and I fight over stupid things all the time, but the trick is to realize that what you are fighting over is stupid. Let him have his little hissy fit. I usually allow DH to yell, gripe, and moan as long as he wants, usually either ignoring him the whole time or being amused by the way he is acting. I admit, I take the bait at times and scream back, but most of the time, I try to let him have his emotional release and things get better rather quickly. We have learned to apologize very quickly after an argument, and never let it come between us. Sometimes, we will be holding hands while fighting. Everybody gets cranky, everybody has their emotions and frustrations build up and finally break free. Don't let the little things come between you and him.


 And as for you only being angered by him, think about it, if you are together alot, then you are going to get on each other's nerves now and then. I think that is just the way things work. I may be wrong, but with everybody that I have ever been around, after a long time of being together, annoyances begin to appear...

SoInLove515
by on Oct. 26, 2013 at 10:46 PM
I'm sorry : / I totally understand. If I don't do something his way, I'm an idiot.
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