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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

INSPIRATION for troubled marriges?

Posted by on Nov. 9, 2013 at 1:24 AM
  • 24 Replies
Hey guys. I need some encouragement and inspiration. I love my husband and little family we have grown to have (2 little ones) but my marriage has been TREMENDOUSLY rocky since we got married close to 3 years ago. My hubby has issues with self-control when it comes to anger and has a very negative mindset with life. We do not argue all the time, but we argue on occasion... and when we do argue, it is like SERIOUSLY terrible. Like hubby is VERY emotionally abusive and likes to spit out empty threats just to "scare" me (like he wants to divorce, cheat, etc.)

With that being said, is there anyone out there that has been able to turn around a troubled marriage and work it out in the END? Any "happy endings" or stories of hope/encouragement?

**AND BY "HAPPY ENDINGS" I DO NOT MEAN A DIVORCE & REMARRIAGE. SORRY FOLKS, I JUST DO NOT BELIEVE IN DIVORCE (only in cases of adultery) SO ABSOLUTELY DO NOT GIVE ME THE "YOU-SHOULD-DIVORCE" TALK.**

I want to hear some encouragement stories, not escape plans.
by on Nov. 9, 2013 at 1:24 AM
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Replies (1-10):
lulalacroix
by Bronze Member on Nov. 9, 2013 at 1:35 AM
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I'm so sorry things have been difficult. My dh and I also love each other very much. But we went through a terribly difficult time. I would say that he had a difficult time controlling his temper, said emotionally abusive things, and had issues with impulse control. I never wanted to divorce him, but eventually I couldn't handle it even one more day. I kicked him out.

We never divorced. Neither of us found happiness without the other. 6 years later we got back together. My dh no longer has any of those bad character flaws. I guess he needed time to mature and he needed to learn consequences.

None of this is actually advice for you. I just want you to know other couples go threw hard times and make it out the other side. {Hugs}
Aarla93
by on Nov. 9, 2013 at 11:55 PM
Bump!
Fairfieldwizard
by Member on Nov. 10, 2013 at 6:38 AM

I'm older school... My opinion is that if you are in a bumpy relationship but have little children, you owe it to them to do what you can to give them a mom and a dad in the same house. But the big exception is if you're being abused. In that case you owe it to your kids to take them and get out. It's not often easy to recognize if you're being abused. There is often the mentality of, "he only calls me names when I've done something wrong" or "he did hit me but not that hard" so that's not abuse. People in those kinds of relationships don't deserve that and they set a terrible role model for their kids by staying.

All that said, BOTH of the people in the relationship need to recognize that they are part of the problem and be willing to do what needs to be done to fix it. Read these words carefully. Hope this helps a little.

98765
by Silver Member on Nov. 10, 2013 at 7:44 AM
1 mom liked this

Sweeite, every marriage goes through hard times. Ive been married almost 12 years and we def go through hard times. Its not all sunshine and roses. But we both love each other and we both work on it. The word divorce is never an option and we certainly dont use it as a threat.

But honey, what you are talking about is more than hard times. You are talking about abuse. My husband, no matter how bad we have argued has never called me names, threatened me or anything like that. EVER. And he certainly has never laid a hand on me. EVER.

I dont believe in divorce either. Except for prolonged infidelity or abuse. Especially when kids are involved. Think about this--if you have gils, do you want them marrying someone like your husband? If you have boys do you want them treating another woman like you get treated?

Think about it. Good luck. 

Fayanne
by Gold Member on Nov. 10, 2013 at 8:10 AM

 every marriage goes through ups and downs, but if the 'downs' outweigh the ups, it's time to re-evaluate.

I was of the 'never say the 'D' word' persuasion for years. YEARS. I moved out in '04 after 21 years of marriage, when I could not take the emotional abuse anymore. Prayed, read, went to counseling for a year, and moved back. It 'worked' for a few more years, but nothing had really changed. He didn't give up his drinking as promised, just got better at hiding it. Didn't change his sarcasm and anger, just spread it out to our daughters, too. Finally, his threats of wanting a divorce (like your dh) finally got him what he 'wanted' ... a divorce

Find yourself a good support group, one based in religious views of marriage is probably best, get some counseling for yourself, and some as a couple, too.

If he truly is emotionally abusive, this is more than you can do on your own. He has to be involved in the process, and he has to see the error of his ways, otherwise, you're just enabling him. If he threatens to divorce or cheat just to get his way, you've got a long road ahead of you.

And if there are children involved, you have got to be very very very focused on ensuring their emotional well-being well into the future. They are learning about their future relationships from you, right now.  Two of my three daughters are currently very involved with men who treat them like crap, just like their father did. Very heartbreaking and difficult to watch.

Good luck.

the.warden
by Member on Nov. 10, 2013 at 8:17 AM
I was engaged to a guy like that before I met DH. I know how it will make you feel. I'm so sorry your going through this. We were together 6 years and I just got to the point where I couldn't take anymore. So we broke up and it was an extremely awful split. He flips me off when I see him in town and it's been 8 years. Lol.

Anyway. On to your issue. My DH and I haven't had the smoothest marriage either. The only bad thing being he says smart ass things and jabs at me until I lose it. I will cuss and scream and throw things at him while he sits there and looks at me like I'm psychotic.

What I want to suggest for you is to try marriage counseling. Suggest going. Try reading some book about it. But good luck! I hope it gets better for you.
ReadWriteLuv
by Casey on Nov. 10, 2013 at 8:33 AM
1 mom liked this

I'm not going to tell you that it gets better, because it might not. Guess what sugar plum, there is no such thing as "happily ever after". What reality is, is that you wake up every day and make a conscious choice to remain married to a person, despite their flaws. There will be some good times, there will be a lot of bad, but it is what it is. You CHOOSE to remain with someone and in your situation, even when he's calling you a stupid, irresponsible, selfish, cold, worthless dumb bitch.

My husband is an angry person. He's easily annoyed, easily irritated, completely impatient and horribly irrational. He's also incredibly insecure, demands attention, and throws fits like a toddler. When he is angry with me, he can absolutely spew out a stream of vile, slanderous, awful things that a lot of people would say are verbally abusive. I knew that he was like this when we married, I did, but I thought that he would someday grow up and grow out of it. To some extent, it has gotten better with age. We're 13 years into this marriage. He still blows up and says heinous things occasionally, but he doesn't do it as often. Sometimes, that is the best happy ending you can hope for.

This isn't a fairy tale. They don't magically wake up one day and turn into Prince Charming. A frog will always be a frog. Sometimes they get cuter with age, but they still croak.

Mrseoc
by Member on Nov. 10, 2013 at 8:57 AM

Aw. I'm sorry to hear your having so much trouble. I do not believe in divorce either. It's not an option. I know my husband feels the same way because he's told me so. Since we both feel that way we both work twords a good marriage. I think thats the most important part, both of you need to share goals. If you can work twords the same goal then you will work together to get there. If you both want a happy family then you will both try your hardest to have one.

AlannaMaria
by Alanna on Nov. 10, 2013 at 10:13 AM
Marriage counseling? Maybe he should try anger management.
mjgm1966
by Member on Nov. 10, 2013 at 10:17 AM
1 mom liked this

 First of all, sometimes I think it is more shameful to stay in a bad marriage-than to get out of it. (from my own personal experience). That being said, have you tried addressing these issues when you are not fighting? In a calm and civil manner?  I commend you for exloring every avenue to save your marriage.  Especially, with two little ones.  I wish you only the best. :)

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