SO says he loves me, all the time, he says nice things to me, he helps around the house, he washed my car for me the other day, he holds my hand when we're out together, wants me to spend time with his family and friends....but I'm just not feeling like he loves me. And I don't know if it's just me or what.
I feel like I've changed a lot for him, and like maybe he shouldn't have wanted me to.I've kept my house a lot cleaner since he moved in (but that's not really him changing me...the house just needs to be clean anyway, and I need to be better at it - I've always been more of an "organized mess" kind of person). He's a neat freak so kids stuff being out everywhere or dishes not being done right away really irritates him, so I try my best to keep it picked up. He doesn't like me being a medic, doesn't want me working 24 hours with another guy, so I stopped working nights at my side job. Ended up quitting that job because I'm pregnant and really shouldn't be on an ambulance anyway, and the money wasn't worth it for a 12 hour shift here and there. I still work full time as a medic in an office setting - and I'm definitely not quitting that, nor does he want me to. He wants me to go back to school for nursing because he knows I love taking care of patients and this job doesn't give me much opportunity for that, and I can make more as a nurse than as a medic. He says he will fully support me when I go back to school.
He really irritated me this weekend, and I don't know if I'm overreacting or not. We went to his hometown to see his mom and grandma, and went to a bonfire with his friends while we were there. I got mad at first because I had to go to the bathroom, and it was really difficult to get him to leave the beach to take me to one (sorry, I am not peeing behind a truck in broad daylight when it's facing where other cars driving in would be able to see me). And then made me mad too when I kept telling him I needed to eat something and he didn't want to leave for us to get dinner. He does not drink often (like, almost never) but he got pretty tore up at the bonfire. Before he was drinking, he of course introduced me to all of his friends and was talking to them but continually checking on me to make sure I was having a good time and wasn't just being left out. After he'd had a few and we were alone for a minute (we went to the gas station with his friend to get more beer but we stayed in the truck) he told me "I love you so much, I want you to know you're my everything, my world, my life, you're my beginning and my end and I love you more than life itself." Which is great and all but I wish he hadn't been drunk when he said it. He introduced me to a couple of people later as his wife (weird because he had just said earlier when asked if we were getting married that we would eventually but he didn't want to be pushed into it). At this point, I finally got some crackers from the gas station so I at least wasn't starving anymore. After several more drinks, he has a friend there that's a girl (who is nice, I was talking to her most of the night, they never dated or anything), and he walked up behind her and was playing with the pockets on her butt. Not like in a sexual way, but it just pissed me off. He's told me before he doesn' t like me being flirty when I'm drinking, so I feel like that should go both ways.
What made me really mad was the way he responded when I told him (the next morning, after he sobered up) it upset me. I was trying to explain my feelings on it (not yelling at him,just telling him what had happened and that I was upset about it), and he just wouldn't even listen. He insisted that he did not touch her butt, and called me "f'ing stupid" for saying that he did. (He didn't remember apparently...I of course wasn't drinking, so I knew everything that went on.) He finally did listen later and apologized, but it really hurt me that he made my feelings seem so unimportant to him. And this isn't the first time he's reacted that way to me being mad about something.
It's like he can't handle someone being mad at him, so he reacts like a kid and just gets angry back without even listening. And I feel like if you love someone, you should listen to them and not just yell at them because you don't like what they're saying.
His grandma was also saying he doesn't love me, and I know I shouldn't listen to her (this woman is bat shit crazy and one of the rudest people I've ever met in my life), but it bothers me still. I don't know, I just really don't feel loved right now, but I don't know if I should feel that way, or if it's just my crazy hormones.
Sorry this is so long, I guess I just needed to let some stuff out. :(