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Trust- piggyback off of another post

Posted by on Dec. 9, 2013 at 5:43 PM
  • 29 Replies

So I posted about sharing passwords and having access to electronics the other day. I guess my real question is this: is it so wrong to expect your SO to accommodate your needs? A little background. I have been single for about 10 years, raising my 2 daughters, age 13 and 20 (yeah, I'm not a kid). I have MAJOR insecurity and trust issues, stemming from a father who cheated on my mother (and made me keep his secret, since he took his girlfriend on a weekend trip to the races), a father who later abandoned us, a grandfather who sexually fondled and molested me from infancy through maybe 10-11? A brother who raped me repeatedly while growing up (from maybe 3-8?) A neighbor who tried to molest me at around 11 or 12, but I got out of there real quick, and when I told my mother about the molestation (first about my grandfather when I was 12, then about my brother when I was 18) and she did nothing. They were stil;l allowed around me, they were never brought up on charges...NOTHING! So I don't trust people. People have to prove to me they are trustworthy. I have asked my SO for access to this stuff, sort of as proof that there's nothing to worry about. If any of his high school skank friends get a little too innappropriate, it would be nice to see him respond with "Not interested. I'm happily taken". Just to show me I can trust so we can move forward. I have caught him in some lies, some he knows about, some he doesn't.  He thinks this is an invasion of his privacy. And I get that, and under normal circumstances I would agree, but if you know that someone you love needs something, why would you withhold it? Especially if you know it would make them feel better??? 

  He doesn't have a car. I get up every morning that he has to work at 5 AM and I bring him there by 5:45. I love sleep. I need sleep. But I give that up for him, so he doesn't have to ride his bike 5 miles each way.I pick him up every night, too. No matter what I am doing, I stop and get him.

He gets very warm, even when it's not so warm out. We live in a northern state. He usually has the AC on until October at night, and a fan on all winter. I FREEZE anytime the temp is below 70, so I use an electric blanket, which really isn't the best, but I don't ask him to turn the fan and ac off, because I know that they help him to feel more comfortable.  I enjoy outdoor stufff in the summer, but I don't ask him to do that stuff because it's too hot for him.

He has bad knees and a bad back. I love to hike out local parks in the summer, but I don't even ask  because I know it will hurt him. We have very few intimate positions, which makes our private time a little boring, but I love him and don't push it. If boring sex makes him more comfortable, then I do it. Without complaint.

I've never been one to cook. I mean, I fixed my children wholesome food, but now I COOK, because my SO is a real meat and potatoes kind of man. I HATE cooking, but he loves eating, so I do it. 

Which brings me back to my point, if him allowing me access to stuff makes me more comfortable, is it really such a horrible request? Isn't a relationship about meeting each other's needs? We have been together almost 3 years. This has been an ongoing issue. I live by the motto "Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing". Yes, it's invading his privacy, but if it helps me relax and learn that he can be trusted, is it so wrong??? Am I really wrong, and should I be "white knuckling" my way through this relationship, or is it reasonable, given my history, to request this of the man who claims to love me? 

by on Dec. 9, 2013 at 5:43 PM
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Replies (1-10):
by on Dec. 9, 2013 at 6:52 PM
And I forgot to mention I am in therapy to get past stuff. I amtrying, but need to be met part way.
by on Dec. 9, 2013 at 6:54 PM
I am sorry you had shit happen, too. It sucks. You get me. You're just like me. I wish I could be different I try to be different. I'm happy for you that your guy gets it and gives you what you nees.

Quoting scpoohraina: No, it isn't. I'm so sorry you went through all that. I have my own horrible last. I have no desire to ever marry, the thought terrifies me. I have trust issues and used to have severe body issues and had no self esteem. My bf has stood by, helped me and loved me, and put up with all my quirks and issues. His life is an open book to me, because that is what I need. I fully trust him, but I'll always need that. I need reassurance he still loves me and I'm clingy and needy, but sometimes I can't stand to be touched. I can't stand to feel controlled, and I always need to feel safe. My boyfriend has adjusted to my needs, because he loves me and he understands what I need and why. Does your so know about your past? Maybe you need to reevaluate if he is someone you can be with. It isn't fair to expect him to change for you if he doesn't want to, at the same time, you have to make sure your needs are met.
by on Dec. 9, 2013 at 6:55 PM
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It seems to me like you can't be yourself with him. I don't think being able to see his things would help that.
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by Casey on Dec. 10, 2013 at 5:35 AM
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Anything I have to say is going to sound really not nice. I have zero tolerance for "victim" mentality, sorry. I think people are allowed privacy, I think that you using your past to justify your actions is manipulative, but more than anything I think that if this is something that you knew you needed but he wasn't going to comply than you shouldn't have married this man to begin with, and you made your own bed. Keep up with your therapy.
by on Dec. 10, 2013 at 5:41 AM
I don't mean to sound uncaring, but it's time to get past your childhood issues. It's good you are working on them, but they aren't valid excuses at your age.

That being said, my dh and I share everything. I don't snoop through his stuff though, I choose to trust him. I would give him any password and he would do the same for me.
by Member on Dec. 10, 2013 at 5:59 AM
The question is at what point will it be enough. How many times does he have to tell every female friend you feel threatened by because of your insecurity to leave him alone. At what point would you just trust him. The problem is with you and not him, and you are punishing him. You do nice things for him, but it seems there is a motive. It's not out of kindness, because you count the nice things up and throw them out there..."I do this for you..." That's not right. I'm sorry you went through that but I don't have much sympathy for victim mentality. My husband went through some jacked up stuff and had a traumatic childhood. He suffers from PTSD due to it and is in therapy also. Thank God he never did that to me. We are open books and neither of us snoop. I respect privacy. Point being at some point you have to accept responsibility for you and stop trying to make everyone else
Accommodate your insecurities.
by Silver Member on Dec. 10, 2013 at 6:47 AM

Wow, first of all you sound like you are married to who I call my "Very bad ex-boyfriend" from when I was 21. But you are married to him. You are a doormat, he is using you, he is doing things behind your back, you are not standing up for yourself. You have no self-respect.

Get over your past, stay in therapy, grow a spine, stand up for yourself, demand the respect you DO deserve and demand to be treated the way you DO deserve. And if he cant do that then MOVE ON.

Yes, me and DH know each others passwords. Do we use them? No. No reason too. But if we had to we could. We are totally transparent with each other an have 100% trust and respect. 

by Brenda on Dec. 10, 2013 at 9:43 AM

I think you are letting him change you into who he wants you to be and I would never let this happen to me.. He is trying to make you into what he wants NOT who you really are..

Is this what you want for your life? To be someone who is not the person you want to be??

by on Dec. 10, 2013 at 10:29 AM

 What you need is intensive therapy imo. If he's not given you reason to distrust him I do believe you are in the wrong.

by on Dec. 10, 2013 at 11:47 AM

 you are pushing off your childhood problems and insecurities on him and that's not fair. if he has never given you a reason not to trust him then he has a right to his privacy.

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