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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

When to give up?

Posted by on Dec. 16, 2013 at 1:50 PM
  • 29 Replies

My bf and I have been dating for over a year and lately we have been fighting a lot.  And majority of the time it's about trust and communication.  The fact that we don't have very much in our relationship.  My bf doesn't approve of the fact that I have guy friends and I still text them from time to time.  I don't really like the fact that he doesn't seem to trust me.  I have been friends with one of my guy friends for over 10 years and we are both in relationships.  My bf claims that I wouldn't like it if he went to lunch with some of his girl friends.  But I really don't think I would mind.  He has talked about a couple of his girl friends and I think they sound like great girls and have encouraged that he hang out with them because he doesn't really have too many friends and I think it would be good for him to do his own thing from time to time.  I just really feel like he doesn't trust me though.  If he sees me talking to another guy or looking in another guy's direction, he gets jealous and claims I was flirting with them or that there was more to the situation.  I love my bf a lot and I love how much we have in common but this constant doubting and questioning of my actions is wearing me down.  I think my bf has a lot of trust issues since he has been cheated on a lot in the past.  Which I totally understand how this can affect someone's ability to trust others.  But I am probably the most honest person out there and it hurts that he is constantly doubting my love for him.  Has anyone else been in this kind of situation?  Were you able to fix it?  We have gone to counseling a couple of times and that seems to work.  But in the back of my mind, I just wonder if I just need to accept the fact that this is who he is and accept that this is not something I can really handle for the rest of my life.  Or do I keep trying to prove to him that he is a great guy and a great person so his self-esteem gets better and we can move forward?

by on Dec. 16, 2013 at 1:50 PM
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Replies (1-10):
MomToovey
by Marianne on Dec. 16, 2013 at 3:32 PM
1 mom liked this

 Well, without trust, there is no relationship.

That said, I was in a similar situation. My DH was cheated on by his girlfriend of nearly 5 years before he and I got together. They had been living together, everything. It really turned his world upside down and shot his self esteem. Then I came along. He was really insecure about my guy friends, but he meant the WORLD to me. I knew we'd get married one day, I just knew. So I went out of my way to prove to him that I would never betray his trust. It helps that actually most of my friends are girls, and that the guy friends I do have, I'm not that close to. But I pretty much cut off all alone time with guy friends. I made sure that my DH (BF at the time) or other girls were with me when spending time with my guy friends. I also didn't text my guy friends that often to begin with, but the frequency slowed down after I started dating him. It was pretty easy for me. Between not really sacrificing that much, and the fact that he was totally worth all of it, I was able to prove that these other guys in my life mean very little to me in comparison.

valrubio
by Bronze Member on Dec. 16, 2013 at 3:33 PM
Move on.
starrylite
by Member on Dec. 16, 2013 at 3:46 PM

Yeah I actually don't text or hang out with my guy friends too often.  But when I do mention that I texted my one friend of 10 years, my bf gets mad. (I texted my friend last week and the last time that I texted him before that was in June) He thinks I am not getting what I need from him and that is why I need to talk to my other guy friends.  I tried to explain that this is not the case whatsoever.  It's just hard to be friends with someone for 10 years and have to cut them out because I am with someone.  That's just not the kind of girl I am.  I used to think my bf was the one.  We talked about getting married. Having kids. The whole nine yards.  But lately, this mistrust issue is really getting to me.  It's breaking me down.  I don't know how to make it better or if it can really get better.  I don't want to be married for 10 years and still have this problem.  Part of me thinks he is also like this because he has to listen to his brother complain about how his wife has sketchy behavior every day and then it makes him think that about me.  I just don't know how to really walk away from this.  I haven't had too much experience with relationships so this whole "breaking up" is kinda new to me.  I mean, how do you really say that all of a sudden everything that you knew about your bf in the beginning now all of a sudden bothers you? Sigh.  I wish we could fix this.

Quoting MomToovey:

 Well, without trust, there is no relationship.

That said, I was in a similar situation. My DH was cheated on by his girlfriend of nearly 5 years before he and I got together. They had been living together, everything. It really turned his world upside down and shot his self esteem. Then I came along. He was really insecure about my guy friends, but he meant the WORLD to me. I knew we'd get married one day, I just knew. So I went out of my way to prove to him that I would never betray his trust. It helps that actually most of my friends are girls, and that the guy friends I do have, I'm not that close to. But I pretty much cut off all alone time with guy friends. I made sure that my DH (BF at the time) or other girls were with me when spending time with my guy friends. I also didn't text my guy friends that often to begin with, but the frequency slowed down after I started dating him. It was pretty easy for me. Between not really sacrificing that much, and the fact that he was totally worth all of it, I was able to prove that these other guys in my life mean very little to me in comparison.


MomToovey
by Marianne on Dec. 16, 2013 at 3:57 PM

 I do understand that it's troublesome. And I'm not going to sit here and say you need to leave him, because only you can decide when, or if, that time comes.

I'm reminded of a time that I was sitting in my ex-bf's truck with him. He was my ex at the time (we remained friends for a few months) and I was telling him the type of guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Now, to understand the next part, I have wanted to be an actress since I was 5, and even moved to Los Angeles for acting school. And I told him that the guy I wanted to marry needed to be a man I loved SO MUCH that I'd be willing to give up my dreams of acting for him. At the time, in the back of my mind, I was shouting, "There's no such guy! I'm giving up my dreams for no one!!!" but this was just to appease the ex. Anyway, my DH comes along and suddenly, I really honestly did not care about acting anymore. All that mattered to me was making a happy life with him.

And it might be time for you to sit down and decide if this bf of yours is worth sacrificing something that means so much to you (in this case, your friendship) in order for this relationship to work. And if not, how far are you willing to take this relationship before you decide you're done with the jealousy?

Does all that make sense?

Anyway, I wish you luck, whatever you decide :)

Quoting starrylite:

Yeah I actually don't text or hang out with my guy friends too often.  But when I do mention that I texted my one friend of 10 years, my bf gets mad. (I texted my friend last week and the last time that I texted him before that was in June) He thinks I am not getting what I need from him and that is why I need to talk to my other guy friends.  I tried to explain that this is not the case whatsoever.  It's just hard to be friends with someone for 10 years and have to cut them out because I am with someone.  That's just not the kind of girl I am.  I used to think my bf was the one.  We talked about getting married. Having kids. The whole nine yards.  But lately, this mistrust issue is really getting to me.  It's breaking me down.  I don't know how to make it better or if it can really get better.  I don't want to be married for 10 years and still have this problem.  Part of me thinks he is also like this because he has to listen to his brother complain about how his wife has sketchy behavior every day and then it makes him think that about me.  I just don't know how to really walk away from this.  I haven't had too much experience with relationships so this whole "breaking up" is kinda new to me.  I mean, how do you really say that all of a sudden everything that you knew about your bf in the beginning now all of a sudden bothers you? Sigh.  I wish we could fix this.

Quoting MomToovey:

 Well, without trust, there is no relationship.

That said, I was in a similar situation. My DH was cheated on by his girlfriend of nearly 5 years before he and I got together. They had been living together, everything. It really turned his world upside down and shot his self esteem. Then I came along. He was really insecure about my guy friends, but he meant the WORLD to me. I knew we'd get married one day, I just knew. So I went out of my way to prove to him that I would never betray his trust. It helps that actually most of my friends are girls, and that the guy friends I do have, I'm not that close to. But I pretty much cut off all alone time with guy friends. I made sure that my DH (BF at the time) or other girls were with me when spending time with my guy friends. I also didn't text my guy friends that often to begin with, but the frequency slowed down after I started dating him. It was pretty easy for me. Between not really sacrificing that much, and the fact that he was totally worth all of it, I was able to prove that these other guys in my life mean very little to me in comparison.

 

 




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Vegan_Goddess
by on Dec. 16, 2013 at 4:02 PM
Perfect! I couldn't have said it any better!

Quoting MomToovey:

 I do understand that it's troublesome. And I'm not going to sit here and say you need to leave him, because only you can decide when, or if, that time comes.


I'm reminded of a time that I was sitting in my ex-bf's truck with him. He was my ex at the time (we remained friends for a few months) and I was telling him the type of guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Now, to understand the next part, I have wanted to be an actress since I was 5, and even moved to Los Angeles for acting school. And I told him that the guy I wanted to marry needed to be a man I loved SO MUCH that I'd be willing to give up my dreams of acting for him. At the time, in the back of my mind, I was shouting, "There's no such guy! I'm giving up my dreams for no one!!!" but this was just to appease the ex. Anyway, my DH comes along and suddenly, I really honestly did not care about acting anymore. All that mattered to me was making a happy life with him.


And it might be time for you to sit down and decide if this bf of yours is worth sacrificing something that means so much to you (in this case, your friendship) in order for this relationship to work. And if not, how far are you willing to take this relationship before you decide you're done with the jealousy?


Does all that make sense?


Anyway, I wish you luck, whatever you decide :)


Quoting starrylite:

Yeah I actually don't text or hang out with my guy friends too often.  But when I do mention that I texted my one friend of 10 years, my bf gets mad. (I texted my friend last week and the last time that I texted him before that was in June) He thinks I am not getting what I need from him and that is why I need to talk to my other guy friends.  I tried to explain that this is not the case whatsoever.  It's just hard to be friends with someone for 10 years and have to cut them out because I am with someone.  That's just not the kind of girl I am.  I used to think my bf was the one.  We talked about getting married. Having kids. The whole nine yards.  But lately, this mistrust issue is really getting to me.  It's breaking me down.  I don't know how to make it better or if it can really get better.  I don't want to be married for 10 years and still have this problem.  Part of me thinks he is also like this because he has to listen to his brother complain about how his wife has sketchy behavior every day and then it makes him think that about me.  I just don't know how to really walk away from this.  I haven't had too much experience with relationships so this whole "breaking up" is kinda new to me.  I mean, how do you really say that all of a sudden everything that you knew about your bf in the beginning now all of a sudden bothers you? Sigh.  I wish we could fix this.


Quoting MomToovey:

 Well, without trust, there is no relationship.


That said, I was in a similar situation. My DH was cheated on by his girlfriend of nearly 5 years before he and I got together. They had been living together, everything. It really turned his world upside down and shot his self esteem. Then I came along. He was really insecure about my guy friends, but he meant the WORLD to me. I knew we'd get married one day, I just knew. So I went out of my way to prove to him that I would never betray his trust. It helps that actually most of my friends are girls, and that the guy friends I do have, I'm not that close to. But I pretty much cut off all alone time with guy friends. I made sure that my DH (BF at the time) or other girls were with me when spending time with my guy friends. I also didn't text my guy friends that often to begin with, but the frequency slowed down after I started dating him. It was pretty easy for me. Between not really sacrificing that much, and the fact that he was totally worth all of it, I was able to prove that these other guys in my life mean very little to me in comparison.


 


 

L.A.F.outloud
by on Dec. 16, 2013 at 4:08 PM
1 mom liked this

I have to say it isn't really appropriate to go out with other guys when you're in a relationship.  I'm sure they're innocent but it doesn't help your relationship to appear like you're seeing another guy.  Maybe you could try hanging out more with other couples.  There does need to be trust in a relationship and maybe he's unable to trust any woman.  You may want to think about moving on.

starrylite
by Member on Dec. 16, 2013 at 4:09 PM

Yes, it all does make sense.  It's just so hard to make that decision.  Especially since my bf has had such a bad past with ex-girlfriends and friends and sometimes his family is not very supportive either.  So I guess I can't really blame him for having trust issues and not being overly confident.  But I think I need to accept the fact that if he wanted to change these things about himself, then he would make that decision for himself, I can't do it for him.  He has had bad experiences with counselors as well so he is not the biggest fan of them either. But at this point, that is the only way I can really see him making any positive changes for himself.  I wish he would realize that if he doesn't change his ways, he is going to have a hard time succeeding in any relationship, especially the one he is in.  But maybe not.  He doesn't really seem to have a problem finding new girlfriends.

withsecond
by on Dec. 16, 2013 at 5:07 PM
1 mom liked this
If you haven't given him any reason to not trust you then I would tell him to get over it or get out of the relationship.
There's nothing more annoying than someone who is jealous for no good reason.
gonecrazi
by on Dec. 16, 2013 at 5:16 PM

 Without trust you have nothing..

starrylite
by Member on Dec. 16, 2013 at 5:47 PM


Quoting withsecond: If you haven't given him any reason to not trust you then I would tell him to get over it or get out of the relationship.
There's nothing more annoying than someone who is jealous for no good reason.

Yeah I think that is why I struggle with this so much.  I have never given him a reason to not trust me.  I feel like I am being punished for his past relationships and what those girls did to him.  And the only guy that I ever do things alone with is my boss.  We do a lunch every 2 or 3 months.  It's his way of kinda thanking me for everything that I do.  He is happily married and is about to have his 3rd kid.  And I have always thought of it as more of a work thing.  It's not like I am sitting at work and wondering who I should have lunch with and I email my boss to see if he wants to have lunch with me.  Usually he has to email me about 5 times in order to get a lunch shceduled with me because I don't really put too much effort into making the lunch thing happen.  I don't know.  It just sucks.  And I wish he would realize that if anybody should not be trusted, it would probably be him since when we first started dating he got drunk with some of his girl friends and passed out on one of their couches.  He also has had an ex girlfriend that has been texting him for most of our relationship that he can't really seem to block because he "doesn't have time."

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