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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

UP and then DOWN AGAIN........

Posted by on Dec. 16, 2013 at 9:09 PM
  • 11 Replies

  I really don't even know where to start. I feel like my marriage is just a mess. One day were happy and i love him more than anything and the next i feel like id be so much better off without him. I know all marriages have ups and downs, but sometimes i really feel 'is it worth it' when every day its always something. We don't communicate well, he doesn't deal well with me being a very emotional person, i do take things to personally. when we fight he says the most hurtful things, i know its just in the heat of the moment but i can't help but feel there is some serious to it. I don't know if i even have a question for you guys or more just need to vent. How do you be a team with someone who isn't on the same page as you. What is important to me isn't to him and visa versa. We fight over money(im a stay at home mom now), and that gets used against me from time to time, we fight over family cause his is so different from mine, fight over sleep, spare time, hobbies, what we do on the weekends. We never solve anything cause we don't agree. Im sick of living on this marriage that has so many emotional ups and downs! I just want to be happy for more than one day  at a time. We are both 29 and have a 16 month old son, have been together almost 4yrs and married for 2.

by on Dec. 16, 2013 at 9:09 PM
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Replies (1-10):
committed4ever
by Bronze Member on Dec. 16, 2013 at 10:01 PM
1 mom liked this

You have some happy days so that's good.  Maybe you just going through a rough patch and  "honeymoon is over" patch.  Concentrate on the good days and thank God you still have them.  Try to build on that.  Maybe you can try withdrawing from the arguing from time to time. Step back and hear what he saying.  Try to make the good days REALLY good.  And don't argue in front of your young son. 

My DH and I have a time limit on argument.  After that we have to table it until the next day.  We can only come back to it 3 times. After that if we can't agree, it's rock, paper scissors.  Serious, we do that, just to get a laugh out of it.

Fairfieldwizard
by Member on Dec. 17, 2013 at 8:22 AM

I like what commetted4ever says. Here's more: "Communication" is a code word we ladies use for "I need to share my feelings with you." Find another place to vent your emotions. A girlfriend, mom, CF, anyplace. If you think you could be clinically depressed (and so many of us are), go see your doctor and get some meds.

Guys don't do emotions and feelings. They fix things that are broken and get stuff done. So when you fight, be specific about things you would like to have changed AND make sure tha they are within his control to change them. Quit whining to him about things that are out of yours and his control. 

Guys need regular and clear reminders of good behavior even if it was a partial. You like cheesecake and he surprises you with brownies. Eat the damn brownies and thank him for thinking of you. Some other time let him know that your all-time favorite desert is cheesecake. Even the puppy who almost made it to the paper gets a "good boy", right? What happens if you say, "bad dog! You were supposed to get all the way on the paper before peeing."


furbabymum
by on Dec. 17, 2013 at 10:40 AM

 The good news is this is 100% fixable. Communication is a skill, you can learn it. I would suggest you find a great marriage counselor. Ours has helped us immensley in this regard. We no longer have the problems you state because we both know how to get our message heard without harming the other party. It's really great when your counselor can point out the flaws you don't even notice. You can't fix what you are unaware of. So get thee to a counselor and you'll make it many more years!

MomToovey
by Marianne on Dec. 17, 2013 at 3:56 PM
1 mom liked this

 You sound like my friend. Her relationship with her husband was very similar to what you described of your own, and it got to the point where her husband decided he didn't want to deal with it anymore, and they're going through a divorce right now. And the part that bugs me so much about their situation is that nothing that they thought was wrong in the relationship was irreparable. It might take counseling, but you can get on the same page. You can learn to communicate effectively to each other. You can learn to be a team. The thing is, you both need to be 100% committed to making the relationship work, or it won't. Plain and simple. Please please don't be like my friend. It's like flipping a house. The house might be shabby right now, but with some elbow grease, you can increase it's value.

LadyBast
by Brenda on Dec. 17, 2013 at 4:24 PM

I think you need to change the bad days to all good, if you can have great days then keep them up... There has to be a lot or something wrong for the up and down I hope you figure it out...

gonecrazi
by on Dec. 17, 2013 at 4:36 PM

 If you think it is worth fixing then, Let him know how you feel. Maybe even a marriage counselor.

countrycat71
by on Dec. 17, 2013 at 7:02 PM
This is just about my story to a "T", other than our ages, number of kids and length of time together. We are also ten years apart. We have been married 19 yrs, three kids in teen yrs. I know how you feel. We should talk. Pm if you want, I can give ya my info.

Quoting shann77:

  I really don't even know where to start. I feel like my marriage is just a mess. One day were happy and i love him more than anything and the next i feel like id be so much better off without him. I know all marriages have ups and downs, but sometimes i really feel 'is it worth it' when every day its always something. We don't communicate well, he doesn't deal well with me being a very emotional person, i do take things to personally. when we fight he says the most hurtful things, i know its just in the heat of the moment but i can't help but feel there is some serious to it. I don't know if i even have a question for you guys or more just need to vent. How do you be a team with someone who isn't on the same page as you. What is important to me isn't to him and visa versa. We fight over money(im a stay at home mom now), and that gets used against me from time to time, we fight over family cause his is so different from mine, fight over sleep, spare time, hobbies, what we do on the weekends. We never solve anything cause we don't agree. Im sick of living on this marriage that has so many emotional ups and downs! I just want to be happy for more than one day  at a time. We are both 29 and have a 16 month old son, have been together almost 4yrs and married for 2.

Pnukey
by on Dec. 17, 2013 at 7:07 PM

How did you get together and get married if you don't hold the same things as important? Were your families so different before you got married? These are things you knew about going into this relationship.

With an 18 month old, of course you're fighting over sleep. This too shall pass.

This totally sounds fixable.  You need to learn how to work together as a team and turn against the problems instead of turning against each other.

Fayanne
by Gold Member on Dec. 17, 2013 at 7:47 PM
1 mom liked this

 fighting over money is common,

his tendency to say hurtful things while angry is never ever okay.

counseling, with a GOOD counselor, can fix a lot of this. I like the book 'His Needs, Her Needs' too.

good luck

shann77
by Member on Dec. 17, 2013 at 7:50 PM


Quoting Pnukey:

How did you get together and get married if you don't hold the same things as important? Were your families so different before you got married? These are things you knew about going into this relationship.

With an 18 month old, of course you're fighting over sleep. This too shall pass.

This totally sounds fixable.  You need to learn how to work together as a team and turn against the problems instead of turning against each other.

I agree it is fixable, we really just need to learn how to communicate. Simple answer to your question is i grew as a wife and mother and he holds on to his single ways. He doesn't want to give up things things he did when he was single or when we were dating. We can't spend money like we did before a baby and two mortgage payments, we can't come and go doing the things we did before a baby. ive adjusted and he hasn't. the family thing is a minor issue i can live with. i wouldn't let our families differences come between us.

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