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second marriages are harder?

Posted by on Dec. 17, 2013 at 7:32 AM
  • 28 Replies
My husband and I are both each others second marriages. He was married for 18 years and I 4 years. He's not a violent man, a very sweet man. Big difference from my 1st husband. But he is super insecure and rather clingy. He was cheated on and she honestly broke his heart. I pay for her mistakes all the time. The flip side to that is.. . I'm not a lovey dovey person. We both have scars from previous marriages and it seems like it makes this one exhausting at times. I love Jim very much but can't get him to understand that we do not have to be glued to each others hips. Sounds stupid and prepared for bashing but I needed to vent
by on Dec. 17, 2013 at 7:32 AM
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by Casey on Dec. 17, 2013 at 8:21 AM

The divorce rate for second marriages is significantly higher than for first marriages. True fact. 

People tend to carry their emotional baggage from relationship to relationship and not bother to fix the problems that ruined their first marriage to begin with. 

by Gold Member on Dec. 17, 2013 at 8:53 AM

Sounds like some counseling is in order. Are second marriages harder? I don't know. This is my second marriage. I am my dh's first marriage and first serious relationship. I know I often compare an issue that we are having with how similar situations during my first marriage was handled. But that hasn't caused any problems.
by Bronze Member on Dec. 17, 2013 at 9:54 AM
I am sorry. I think second marriages must be harder, with the issues you have and or kids, step parents etc
It can't be easier. Right?
by Marianne on Dec. 17, 2013 at 3:46 PM

 Well, in my own personal experience (which isn't very broad), 2nd marriages tend to be extremely successful. My dad's marriage to my mom is his 2nd marriage and they celebrated 31 years this month. My FIL's marriage to my MIL is his 2nd marriage and they'll be celebrating 40 years this coming summer. I have at least 3 more examples like that that I can pull off the top of my head. But then that's it. I don't know anyone else aside from the 5 examples I gave of that ever even had a 2nd marriage, or if I do, the marriage is less than 2 years old at this point. So I actually have a high opinion of 2nd marriages.

However, I can see your point. I do think it would be hard to get over the past like that and wonder if this spouse will do the same thing to you. Honestly, if the relationship has made it as far as marriage, even with these insecurities, I'd wonder if there's even a possibility of healing - at least not without the help of counseling.

by Brenda on Dec. 17, 2013 at 4:26 PM

No idea on that one and I will never find out!!! I will never marry again.. Good luck but you must expect change on marriage 2 it will never be like the first!

by on Dec. 17, 2013 at 5:02 PM
Sometimes I get so dang frustrated w/him BC its almost like he has this pre-concieved notion that I will eventually do the same things she did yada yada yada. I hate and I mean absolutely hate having our marriage compared to his previous one. I love him very much and I'm realizing I'm having to learn patience and understanding BC 18 years is a long time and so much was done in those 18 years. But in
the same instance geeeeez its super frustrating. Ah marriage whoas :)
by on Dec. 17, 2013 at 5:13 PM
Oh I know! It's super duper hard because of emotional baggage but you must work through it.
by on Dec. 17, 2013 at 7:02 PM

My mom's 2nd marriage lasted 29 years, but it's the only one with kids involved. Her first one lasted only 2 years. Her current, 3rd marriage has lasted 10 years. I think this one is the keeper.

by Silver Member on Dec. 17, 2013 at 7:08 PM

My husband was married for only 4 years and I was married for 5 years before we got together.  However, we will be married for 11 years in 3 weeks and still going strong.  We laugh at how much EASIER this time around has been and how our first date sounded more like a job interview.  We come with baggage regardless if this is your first marriage, second marriage, or 19th time your have seriously dated someone and been hurt.  It is all how you look at it, but more importantly, how you MOVE ON from it and learn from it.

by Platinum Member on Dec. 17, 2013 at 7:59 PM

 sounds like you both got married too soon and before the scars had healed

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