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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

second marriages are harder?

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My husband and I are both each others second marriages. He was married for 18 years and I 4 years. He's not a violent man, a very sweet man. Big difference from my 1st husband. But he is super insecure and rather clingy. He was cheated on and she honestly broke his heart. I pay for her mistakes all the time. The flip side to that is.. . I'm not a lovey dovey person. We both have scars from previous marriages and it seems like it makes this one exhausting at times. I love Jim very much but can't get him to understand that we do not have to be glued to each others hips. Sounds stupid and prepared for bashing but I needed to vent
by on Dec. 17, 2013 at 7:32 AM
Replies (21-28):
1squishysmom
by Bronze Member on Dec. 18, 2013 at 1:22 PM
1 mom liked this

 Our marriage is my 1st but my husband's 2nd. He was married to his 1st wife for just under 5 years. We have been married for 22 years. What he went thru with his 1st wife, I am sure made him a better husband for me! He is much more relaxed with our marriage, as he doesn't feel the need to duck flying ashtrays when he comes home from work just because I had a difficult day. In fact, we don't even own an ashtray. Do they still sell ashtrays? I haven't seen one in years.....sorry, a little off subject. haha 

withsecond
by on Dec. 18, 2013 at 1:44 PM

Therapy might be a good thing for you both. 

bsingley
by Member on Dec. 18, 2013 at 3:04 PM
Advice on how to approach counseling with him? I would love it and think it would help but I'm 100% sure it would floor him
mbgb
by Member on Dec. 18, 2013 at 4:26 PM
1 mom liked this
I agree, any former relationships married or not, leave u with scars. I would do therapy for yourself and learn how to deal with his needs and wants in a healthy way. Youll never be perfect and life is short. "love covers a multitude of sins". If he needs you all the time, give him all youve got, then when you cant give any more tell him. He cant fault you for giving your best. Marriage isnt about what you can get, its about how to give to someone else. Smetimes SO's seem selfish and they are because theyre not perfect. Marriage is work, but love is worth it!
createive
by Bronze Member on Dec. 18, 2013 at 6:17 PM

This second marriage is easier I think for both of us.

-We're older
-We worked on our problems so we haven't brought (too much) baggage to this marriage
-We both don't want to make the same mistakes again. And we learned from our mistakes.

Good luck! To both of you.

Fields456
by Silver Member on Dec. 18, 2013 at 6:24 PM
This and I'm remarried. This marriage is by far better and easier than my first

Quoting Fayanne:

 sounds like you both got married too soon and before the scars had healed

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earthangel1967
by YVONNE on Dec. 20, 2013 at 1:18 PM

I  too heard that divorce rates for second marriages are much higher than first marriages and third marriages even more so yet. HOWEVER I can speak from experience in that everyone's marriages and relationships are different. Both Todd's first marriage and mine with someone else were both nightmares that should have never happened and since they did should have ended MUCH sooner than they did. We both did have trust issues because of  them too. BUT we worked that stuff all out BEFORE we got married to eachother and I can honestly say neither of us can ever imagine not being together. this marriage is like heaven  on earth and I can honestly say EASY especially in comparison to the previous hell on earth nightmares our first SO CALLED marriages (for lack of a better word ) were and were constant frustrating never ending hard work that never paid off and only got worse and worse. 

I think one of the biggest differences in our case is  we were happy and prepared to be single forever afer our divorces no problem at all. We had our ideals and dealbreakers list and they were detailed and strict to help prevent us to not to start to fall for someone less than our personal best because we had realized we are much better off single and happy and in peace than in ANY bad relationship with anyone and we were also DONE trying to change someone or fix them too, not interested and dont believe in  that anymore either. Turns out Todd and I were on the same page about everything so being together is really pretty natural and effortless. 

We know full well that is  not the norm according to statitics but are very grateful. 

As for our trust issues from our pasts that would have caused issues if we were with someone else, turns out we BOTH have the same things we are comfortable with and same boundaries that comfort us and make us feel secure and trusting and same things we  dont believe is ok  and so because of all that .. what someone  else might see as possessive or something negative, we both love and appreciate so a part of it is just making sure you are with someone who is  on  the same wavelength and page as you and if you arent then if you can come to a fair and comfortable compromise to make both people feel good in the relationship and if not maybe those poeple are better off with someone who is on  the same page as them. I dont knoww.... thats just my personal take on the issue, not saying its right or wrong for everyone else. 

View Full Size Image YVONNE

starrylite
by Member on Dec. 27, 2013 at 3:44 PM


Quoting bsingley: Advice on how to approach counseling with him? I would love it and think it would help but I'm 100% sure it would floor him

I would just sit down with him and tell him how you are feeling.  Tell him that you understand that he is "just trying to love you" but you feel like he is just suffocating you instead.  I told my bf that we both have issues, issues that are bigger than the both of us, and it would help to talk to a professional.  He kicked and screamed a couple of times, but he has finally given into the idea.  I think he sees how unhappy I am and just wants to make things better.  My bf has insecurity and trust issues as well since he was married to someone who cheated on him.  Not for almost 2 decades, but it still made an impact on his emotions and his mentality.  I totally understand the whole tired thing.  It is very exhausting being someone who you don't feel trusts you or has insecurity issues.  If you hubby won't do counseling, I would suggest that you get some for yourself.  It might help to just vent to someone unbiased and maybe get some professional advice that will help you fix the situation.

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