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I just don't know where to go from here

Posted by on Dec. 17, 2013 at 9:27 AM
  • 13 Replies

When I first met my husband he was caring sweet and made me feel like a princess all the time. We had an amazing relationship.  Got married and I felt finally my life was were it was supposed to be.  We had all the important conversations on how our marriage should work etc.  I moved down to be with him after we married but something to me wasnt right.

He had an ex gf that was always calling him while we were dating, he would tell her everything we were doing or going, when I would come down to vist ( before we got  married )   I finally asked him why does she have to know our personal life.  He told me he is just friends with her and that was it. She even sent a message to his boys on facebook asking if we had arrived in Las Vegas yet on our wedding day.???

 So I am finally married and settled in and then a crisis happened.  My daughter become very ill and was in ICU for a week.  He didnt know how to handle  it.  The night she was admitted my hubby said I cannot stay I have to go to work in the morning.  I was devestated, I am in a new country, no idea of what to do with insurance etc.  I needed him to be with me.  I stayed at the hospital 24/7 and he finally told me to go home and get some rest and he would stay with my daughter.  Things worked out and she came home. I was still pretty stressed from that ordeal.  Then it started with his ex gf  calling at late hours saying she was drunk, can he come and pick her up etc.  He finally told her that he was married and his new wife wouldnt like that.  He always told his friends that if they were drunk he would come and pick them up because he got a DUI and learnt from that.  It happened off and on for the next 6 months.  I told him if she calls again I will go and pick her up.  She never called again.  She was always texting him for information about his family what we were doing and I thought it was an invasion of our privacy but unfortunately he didnt feel that way and told me I was insecure.  She kept on texting him over the next three years.  He would lie to me who was texting him but forgot that I was the one who was paying the bills and seeing our cell bill.  It became a hot issue that I tried to hide from him because lieing isnt worth it.  But telling him only made it worse.  I told him when I moved here and married him my ex's didnt mean anything and having them phone me would be pointless I moved on and that was it.  He said well my ex's are just friends and that is something I have to get over.

I finally decided I needed to find out why they were talking but unfortunately another crisis happens, my husband get a rare blood disorder which he will have for life with no cure.  He was devistated and his life fell through the floor and so did our marraige.  The honeymoon was cancelled and so was the reception and for the next 8 months of high doses of prednisone, he completely changed.  Things we discussed about our marraige, how we would handle things all became the back seat.

I told him numerous times that I think it would be best for us to leave so he could deal with his illness and hopefully we could resume our marraige.  It never happened.  Then another woman enters the picture, his ex wife.  She was texting and calling him as well.  I finally flipped out and said it is me or these other women.  He said if he wanted to go back to these women he would have, he choose me period.  They have no children together but she had 4 from previous marriages.  She when she would have a problem with on of them she would call to discuss it with him....they were divorced for over 9 years!!!

I finally blocked his ex wife and the kids because I had enough of their drama brought into our lives while my hubby was trying to deal with his illness.  he came home upset because the grandma phoned him and said no one could get a hold of him.  I was like yes I blocked them I was tired of their crap being brought into a new marriage, this is not what I signed up for.  I reminded him that he told me things with his ex's were done and over with.

Now fast forward a few years and the illness has taken its tole, alot of depression and feeling worthless. We dont have sex anymore, tells me he has ED but has never got tested for it.  He looks at porn in the bathroom and is in there after work for 45 mins. Like I dont know what he is doing. There is no romance, no more sexy text messages, I feel like I have been married for 25 years and it has only been 4.  He will tell me in the morning before he goes to work that he loves me, peck on the cheek and when he goes to bed same thing.  If I wanted that I would have just kept a bf not a husband.

 Now another ex gf has popped into the relationship.  I blocked her as well as the ex wife and everyone else I can think of. 

He got angry about me blocking them so I finally gave up and told him fine I unblocked them.  He told me from that day forward I am not allowed to look at the phone bill, check his emails or text messages. He said that if I stop doing that our marriage would be alot better. That tells me he is still hiding something.  So as soon as I unblocked them, he was texting them or phoning them.  Funny how he tells me he doesnt have time at work to be chatting on the phone

I know something is going on, I am not stupid. I work, cook and clean, take care of all the bills, financials, my daughter, he homework,  he barely has to lift a finger.

I have decided to go on with my life and my daughters because no man should ever put his wife at the bottom of the pile.  I have stopped going out of my way to get things for him when he is capable of doing so.

All I am asking is for him to realize I am the one he married and wanted.  But inturn he is showing his attention to the others and will go out of his way to help them but not this marriage. The lieing to me has taken its tole, these women are married and know my hubby has a kind heart but at the same time how would they like it if I starting phoning there husbands, sending photos, and making their life a living hell.

I wish he could realize what he has done to this marriage.  I dont look at him the same way anymore.

My question is, why is our society changing for the worst.  I love my husband and want to go to councelling.  He excuse is well that will be expensive. Wow doenst make me feel worth it. 

I just dont know what to do anymore.  I feel as though he wants his cake and eat it too

 

by on Dec. 17, 2013 at 9:27 AM
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Replies (1-10):
starrylite
by Member on Dec. 17, 2013 at 10:06 AM
1 mom liked this

I have gone through this somewhat.  Not to the extent that you have but I found myself relating to some of the stuff you have been saying.  I have been with my bf for over a year and for a year, his ex has been texting him and calling him.  I found this very disrespectful.  Had many fights with him about this.  He didn't really seem to think it was a big deal.  He claimed that they stayed friends after they broke up so I shouldn't feel threatened by her.  I didn't take it like that at all.  This girl would call or text him weekly trying to get him to hang out with her and her daughter.  I mentioned numerous times that he needs to block her.  He wouldn't do it and still hasn't done it even though he told me he would.  I suggested we go to counseling too and he told me the same thing-it's too expensive.  Granted, since then, we have gone twice and I am trying to get him to realize that this will never work if he doesn't go to counseling with me.  I do everything for my bf too.  I cook, clean, do his laundry, do things for him and his daughter constantly.  I have called him out many times on just wanting to be with me because I take care of him.  He denies this. But honestly, it's hard to think that he really wants to be with me for me when he is never happy with anything that I do.  And it's also hard to not feel like I am being taken advantage of when he doesn't reciprocate all the things I do for him.  When he comes to my house, he just plops down on the couch and goes on fb.  When I go to his house, I put his clothes away, do his dishes, and help him clean his house.  I jus don't feel like it's very fair.  Your marraige does not sound like a happy one.  Have you thought about going to counseling yourself?  I would highly suggest that as it also kinda sounds like your husband is breaking you down by accusing of things that you are not even guilty of.  If he truly "picked you" and "wants to be with you" then he needs to respect your relationship and you by telling these exes to stop contacting him. 

LAHnTAH0812
by Member on Dec. 17, 2013 at 10:15 AM
1 mom liked this
Leave his ass.
TommyAbby
by Melissa on Dec. 17, 2013 at 10:24 AM
2 moms liked this

Sorry.. you lost with me you moved from another country to be with this man who blantanly shows you such disrespect for your and your marriage. Time to pull out all the stops: EIther he works on this marriage or you can be another ex he can suddenly find time to text and talk to. 


ReadWriteLuv
by Casey on Dec. 17, 2013 at 10:30 AM

Ok, wow, this is very long and I'm very confused about some parts of this story. You're in a new country? You weren't living even in the same town before you got married? He's been married previously and has tons of ex-girlfriends?

furbabymum
by Gold Member on Dec. 17, 2013 at 10:32 AM

 This sounds pretty horrible. I agree that it's complete crap that he's putting the needs of these ex's over you. What will be amusing is if you become an ex you may hear from him more than you did while married. lol

For my DH, I made the appts and told him what time and we went. I figured if he refused than our marriage was dead. He's never refused and we've made it through some tough times.

I do wonder if your DH received counseling from the hospital or anything when he was diagnosed. I would think that would be an important part of treatment for something like that. I'm not really sure what the illness entails but I'm sure it's overwhelming.

As far as the conversations you had before marriage, I think that's a good idea. I don't think it's realistic to expect those pre marriage conversations to be the permanent law for how you will do things though. People grow and change and encounter things they never expected.

I think you do need to think about you. If he's unwilling to change you either have to accept the status quo or move on. Good luck to you either way!

leanntx
by Member on Dec. 17, 2013 at 10:46 AM
I'm sorry, but it seems to me that he really only wants someone to be there to take care of him. He doesn't seem to have any respect for you as his wife, or for your marriage. I understand he's gone through a lot due to his illness, but that doesn't excuse his behavior toward you and your wishes. I believe you would be better off continuing your life without him as your husband. I wish you the best of luck, no matter your decision.
Hurting4life
by New Member on Dec. 17, 2013 at 1:03 PM

Yes my husbands has 2 ex wives before.  As for ex gf yes of course we all have them. I have alot of ex bf's too.  But I dont need them they are ex's.

The ilness put my husband into place so to speak.  He was healthy when we were together and then in June of 2010 3 months after we were married he came down with a blood disorder.  It has no symptoms, no pain, no reason why his platelets drop.  Then comes the months of bad drugs to raise your platelets, the side effects etc.  He told me he is now one of those people who gets sick, he hates going to the doctor, hates knowing if we go on vacation if it arisesthen he has ruined our vacation because of him etc.

The hospital did not offer him any type of counselling, not until I asked about it a year later but he still refused to go.  Until he can accept his illness and figure out how to have a life, the universe has a funny way of playing things out.

He doesnt read anything about his illness unless I print stuff off and show him.  He just plain outright doesnt want it.

I took away the computer for 6 months to ask him to stop watching porn because he is getting what he needs from it and not from me.  He told me he is trying that first so he wont be embarresed if he fails.

The one thing I do have to state is that he goes to work, come home right after and stays with me.  He doesnt go out with the guys, party with the guys, end up at the bars,  says he has to go somewhere and not come back for hours.  Or have an arguement just to leave the house.  He will call me if he has over-time and tell me when he is going to be at home etc.  We review his paychecks to make sure he wasnt shorted on hours.  He always calls me at lunchtime to see how I am doing, what is for supper, and chit chatty stuff.

The only thing I can say is that from the time we got married I have always beeen suspitious of my husbands actions.  The calls from the ex's should have gone away, he claims he stated to them that this bothering my new wife and making her upset in the marriage.  But they never stopped.  His excuses to talk to them was obvious, he wanted to hear how they are doing. blah blah blah

But on the other hand I already new that he didnt like his dad because he was so controlling.  I look back and think well I have been a nag, bitchy and down right now stubborn in my ways too.   But that didnt give him the right to do things like this to upset me. I would never ever do that to him.  Everytime I ask lets have some fun, the excuses start.  I stopped iniating it because he made me feel I wasnt worth the effort.

I cannot believe that I am here right now experiencing this horrible relationship when I had it all.  I was full of life, happiest I have ever been, great job, a house and my hubby. Moved to a small town, found there wasnt great jobs, minimum wage is $7.80. I had no friends, People here didnt like immigrated people, telling me I was taking away their jobs...please!!!! Hello they do the same in all countries.

Monsita
by Silver Member on Dec. 17, 2013 at 1:40 PM
Hugs through the distance!

So sorry. I can feel your frustration....

Where are you!? Can you leave him for couple weeks all alone, to see if it helps him to wake up and smell the coffee!?

Quoting Hurting4life:

Yes my husbands has 2 ex wives before.  As for ex gf yes of course we all have them. I have alot of ex bf's too.  But I dont need them they are ex's.


The ilness put my husband into place so to speak.  He was healthy when we were together and then in June of 2010 3 months after we were married he came down with a blood disorder.  It has no symptoms, no pain, no reason why his platelets drop.  Then comes the months of bad drugs to raise your platelets, the side effects etc.  He told me he is now one of those people who gets sick, he hates going to the doctor, hates knowing if we go on vacation if it arisesthen he has ruined our vacation because of him etc.


The hospital did not offer him any type of counselling, not until I asked about it a year later but he still refused to go.  Until he can accept his illness and figure out how to have a life, the universe has a funny way of playing things out.


He doesnt read anything about his illness unless I print stuff off and show him.  He just plain outright doesnt want it.


I took away the computer for 6 months to ask him to stop watching porn because he is getting what he needs from it and not from me.  He told me he is trying that first so he wont be embarresed if he fails.


The one thing I do have to state is that he goes to work, come home right after and stays with me.  He doesnt go out with the guys, party with the guys, end up at the bars,  says he has to go somewhere and not come back for hours.  Or have an arguement just to leave the house.  He will call me if he has over-time and tell me when he is going to be at home etc.  We review his paychecks to make sure he wasnt shorted on hours.  He always calls me at lunchtime to see how I am doing, what is for supper, and chit chatty stuff.


The only thing I can say is that from the time we got married I have always beeen suspitious of my husbands actions.  The calls from the ex's should have gone away, he claims he stated to them that this bothering my new wife and making her upset in the marriage.  But they never stopped.  His excuses to talk to them was obvious, he wanted to hear how they are doing. blah blah blah


But on the other hand I already new that he didnt like his dad because he was so controlling.  I look back and think well I have been a nag, bitchy and down right now stubborn in my ways too.   But that didnt give him the right to do things like this to upset me. I would never ever do that to him.  Everytime I ask lets have some fun, the excuses start.  I stopped iniating it because he made me feel I wasnt worth the effort.


I cannot believe that I am here right now experiencing this horrible relationship when I had it all.  I was full of life, happiest I have ever been, great job, a house and my hubby. Moved to a small town, found there wasnt great jobs, minimum wage is $7.80. I had no friends, People here didnt like immigrated people, telling me I was taking away their jobs...please!!!! Hello they do the same in all countries.

MamaKarrot
by Member on Dec. 17, 2013 at 1:48 PM
2 moms liked this

Not only is he disrespecting you by staying in contact with these other women, he's manipulating you into believing that YOU'RE the one making the marriage bad because you're not okay with him contacting these other women.

You are not in the wrong here and you really need to sit down and decide if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life - because it sounds like he is not invested in your marriage at all.

hemanclub
by on Dec. 17, 2013 at 1:54 PM

Idk, I'm gonna try to look at this from another angle.  I'm gonna guess he never cheated on any of them since they obviously are all still on good terms.  Obviously he is not such a bad guy being he is still liked and respected by his exes.  And would he be lying to you if you weren't so dead said against it?  Granted, I wouldn't be entirely comfortable with the situation either but he may not be such a bad guy.  

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