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How to Confront Without Accusing??

Posted by on Dec. 20, 2013 at 12:19 PM
  • 18 Replies

SO has said some things recently that were really hurtful, and I don't think he realizes it, and I know I'm overreacting because of being pregnant, but I don't know how to talk to him about it. Or if I even should. I just feel like I am so far down on his priority list, like he wants to be with me, but he wouldn't really be all that upset if he wasn't either.

He just said something really hurtful, and I don't know if maybe I should just kick him out. He works 2 hours away from home, went down there today just to get his check, and he bumped into a pole and messed up the muffler on his car. So I asked him if he was coming home after he got it fixed. And he sarcastically said no he was gonna go party with his friend all night (he's not, he's coming home). So I sarcastically said that's fine, go spend all the money and I'll go sell all your stuff that's at home so that we can still pay the bills. He was like would you really do that? And I said yeah, wouldn't you do the same if I spent all our money partying?

He said no. He said that he would just leave me. That he'd rather me leave him if he did that than sell his stuff, because it took him a long time to get it and he's not just gonna have some girl take it away.

Really? He would rather have "stuff" than me? Pregnant crazy overreacting me wants to just put his "stuff" in the driveway and tell him where he can shove it. But reasonable me wants advice on how to talk to him and tell him that was hurtful in a way that won't make him angry. What would y'all do?


by on Dec. 20, 2013 at 12:19 PM
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Replies (1-10):
earthangel1967
by YVONNE on Dec. 20, 2013 at 12:29 PM

I think I would take some time to take some deep breaths and make sure my priorities are straight and remmeber what is most important in life and hope he does the same. Then when he came home, have a nice dinner for him and greet him with a hug and a kiss and tell him you are  so glad he is home because you missed him  and glad only the car got messed up and not him. I would tell him that  YOU FEEL like you probably both said some hurtful things to one another that was hopefully not really sincere and that you apologize if you hurt him and you are hurt by what he said too and hope he is sorry as well in  a question way not a demanding way. Be lovey dovey as you ask him it will make him less defensive and more caring. Like its NOT you against him or  vice versa. I think I would add, Hopefully we can both be more careful and caring about how we express ourselves to eachother even when we are understandably frustrated, I think sarcasm and things only hurt us  when actually when something stressful is going on, that is when we need to be there to support one another even  more, right?! That's what "I" want? Don't you agree? 

Good luck

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jessijames911
by Member on Dec. 20, 2013 at 12:48 PM

Maybe I'll try that. I guess I shouldn't have been sarcastic back to him, but I was only joking. And he knew that. I guess I was just shocked that he blatantly said he'd choose his toys over me. But maybe he said that in response to feeling hurt that I said I would sell his things. So you think I should wait until he gets home before I say anything to him?

Quoting earthangel1967:

I think I would take some time to take some deep breaths and make sure my priorities are straight and remmeber what is most important in life and hope he does the same. Then when he came home, have a nice dinner for him and greet him with a hug and a kiss and tell him you are  so glad he is home because you missed him  and glad only the car got messed up and not him. I would tell him that  YOU FEEL like you probably both said some hurtful things to one another that was hopefully not really sincere and that you apologize if you hurt him and you are hurt by what he said too and hope he is sorry as well in  a question way not a demanding way. Be lovey dovey as you ask him it will make him less defensive and more caring. Like its NOT you against him or  vice versa. I think I would add, Hopefully we can both be more careful and caring about how we express ourselves to eachother even when we are understandably frustrated, I think sarcasm and things only hurt us  when actually when something stressful is going on, that is when we need to be there to support one another even  more, right?! That's what "I" want? Don't you agree? 

Good luck


earthangel1967
by YVONNE on Dec. 20, 2013 at 12:52 PM

You know him and you know you guys as a couple better than I do so I would not use my judgment or anyone else's for that matter over your own instincts and knowledge, but if it was ME yes I would wait until he was home because  things can get  misunderstood and  lost in  communication thru phone call and texts etc.. if he is home he can see how much you love and care about him in your EYES and face and thru your touch and that will soften him up and make him more open and less defensive. Just like you say he knew you were joking in  being sarcastic, he very well may feel YOU know he was joking and being sarcastic, if sarcasm is part of how you guys joke  this may not be a big deal or  anything at all. : ) 

Quoting jessijames911:

Maybe I'll try that. I guess I shouldn't have been sarcastic back to him, but I was only joking. And he knew that. I guess I was just shocked that he blatantly said he'd choose his toys over me. But maybe he said that in response to feeling hurt that I said I would sell his things. So you think I should wait until he gets home before I say anything to him?

Quoting earthangel1967:

I think I would take some time to take some deep breaths and make sure my priorities are straight and remmeber what is most important in life and hope he does the same. Then when he came home, have a nice dinner for him and greet him with a hug and a kiss and tell him you are  so glad he is home because you missed him  and glad only the car got messed up and not him. I would tell him that  YOU FEEL like you probably both said some hurtful things to one another that was hopefully not really sincere and that you apologize if you hurt him and you are hurt by what he said too and hope he is sorry as well in  a question way not a demanding way. Be lovey dovey as you ask him it will make him less defensive and more caring. Like its NOT you against him or  vice versa. I think I would add, Hopefully we can both be more careful and caring about how we express ourselves to eachother even when we are understandably frustrated, I think sarcasm and things only hurt us  when actually when something stressful is going on, that is when we need to be there to support one another even  more, right?! That's what "I" want? Don't you agree? 

Good luck



View Full Size Image YVONNE

Snapdragon88
by Bronze Member on Dec. 20, 2013 at 12:53 PM
1 mom liked this
I would have been understanding that he was short and sarcastic because he just messed up his car and has to pay money to get it fixed. I just would have said, "Haha... okay. I'll see you later."

But my dh would have apologized for his attitude when he got home. I don't know how yours would react?
jessijames911
by Member on Dec. 20, 2013 at 12:56 PM

Well that's pretty much what I did. I just ended the conversation with "Ok baby I'll see you when you get home. Love you."

I didn't want to react in the moment and say something I'd regret. But I don't think he'll apologize for anything - he doesn't seem very tuned in to when something he says upsets me.

Quoting Snapdragon88: I would have been understanding that he was short and sarcastic because he just messed up his car and has to pay money to get it fixed. I just would have said, "Haha... okay. I'll see you later."

But my dh would have apologized for his attitude when he got home. I don't know how yours would react?


Snapdragon88
by Bronze Member on Dec. 20, 2013 at 12:59 PM
Lol... well if it makes you feel any better I've been with my dh for 7 years and he's just recently learned when to apologize without me having to say, "Hey jackass, you hurt my feelings." Some men are just thick headed when it comes to being in tune with women's feelings.

Quoting jessijames911:

Well that's pretty much what I did. I just ended the conversation with "Ok baby I'll see you when you get home. Love you."

I didn't want to react in the moment and say something I'd regret. But I don't think he'll apologize for anything - he doesn't seem very tuned in to when something he says upsets me.

Quoting Snapdragon88: I would have been understanding that he was short and sarcastic because he just messed up his car and has to pay money to get it fixed. I just would have said, "Haha... okay. I'll see you later."



But my dh would have apologized for his attitude when he got home. I don't know how yours would react?


Texasladybug84
by Bronze Member on Dec. 20, 2013 at 2:34 PM
Hopefully it was a joke nothing more than that cause if that's the case you have a man who loves his things more than you and yes I would too throw his stuff out.
LadyBast
by Brenda on Dec. 20, 2013 at 4:23 PM

No idea what to say you did mess up the car hubby would tell me you did it now fix it! That is how it is here but he knows I can and will fix it.. I mess it up I have to fix it..

Could be your hormones acting up here and you are reacting in a bad way. Talk to him!

jessijames911
by Member on Dec. 20, 2013 at 4:25 PM

Huh? I didn't mess up the car. HE messed up the car - he backed into a pole leaving the oil change place this morning.

Quoting LadyBast:

No idea what to say you did mess up the car hubby would tell me you did it now fix it! That is how it is here but he knows I can and will fix it.. I mess it up I have to fix it..

Could be your hormones acting up here and you are reacting in a bad way. Talk to him!


chickadees
by Bronze Member on Dec. 20, 2013 at 4:47 PM
2 moms liked this

Where in the hell do you girls find these guys, this scenario is like a broken record on here. And better yet, why do you sleep with them, get pregnant ultimately tying yourself to them for the rest of your lives?  Please, I really want to know?  

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