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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

this is grounds for leaving Update in blue

Posted by on Dec. 31, 2013 at 10:17 AM
  • 39 Replies
1 mom liked this

My husband used to charge his phone in the kitchen when he went to bed and I knew his pass code.  All of sudden, he has changed his passcode and hides his phone.  When I ask who he's texting or talking to all I get is "a friend."  I hacked into his facebook account last night and found some messages from girls.  One message dates back to a year or so ago.  He told her that he was going to divorce me.  Well, then things got "better."  But in recent messages he is flirting, more than flirting.  I think he may have sent her a dirty pic.  He claims he's planning on a trip to visit her after the new year when he gets vacation and sick days and he's going to make it a night she'll never forget.  He claims I'm selfish.  He also has been acting as an asshole (excuse the language) lately.  I'm wondering if he isn't doing this on purpose now so that I'll have had enough and leave him so that he says it's my fault.

In another message to his former girlfriend and fiance he was complaining about our sex life.  Said that I only like to do 2 positions.  We only do two positions but I would like to do more but he's just as guilty in not getting adventurous as I am.  The problem is I could give it up every day and he'd still complain that he's not getting it because he wants it all the time.  My period has been messed up lately and neither one of  us like to do it when I'm on it. 

If he didn't have to be up early to go to work and since he drives a semi and needs to be alert, I would have confronted him last night.  I had planned to rock his world last night but after I saw those messages and lost the feeling.  I slept in the same bed but I made sure I was as far as I could be from him and didn't touch him.  I know he's going to be mad that I hacked into his account but he gave me grounds to acting so funny, right? 

I don't want to leave him as I love him.  He's my world.  I have already been through a divorce with my older boys and I don't want to subject that to them again nor to the other two.  We recovered from something similar a few years ago but I don't know if we can recover again.  Oh, and all the problems I mentioned, he has never discussed with me. He has led me to believe that things are fine.  Sorry, this is long but I needed to vent somewhere and to get advice.  I have no parents to talk to and I don't have a best friend other than him.

***UPDATE***

I confronted him about his actions.  He is very remorseful and willing to do whatever it takes to make it better.  He deleted all the numbers of the girls he was texting and was willing to deactivate his facebook account.  We do have some other issues to work through and I told him that the only way I'll stay and work on it was if we go to counseling.  We have an appointment on Friday with our pastor.

by on Dec. 31, 2013 at 10:17 AM
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Replies (1-10):
preacherskid
by Member on Dec. 31, 2013 at 10:32 AM
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Counseling.  And he has to want to fix this as much as you do.  It won't do any good for you to put in 100% and him to not put any effort in, it will just breed resentment between you two.

Rockabella
by Member on Dec. 31, 2013 at 10:33 AM
I'm in a similar position. For me it hasn't gotten much better. I don't think he's done anything again but I can't trust him and I honestly am still really angry with him to this day.

I can't look at him the same way I did.

I would confront him as calmly as possible and try to figure out why he's doing this hopefully he he won't be like my dh and just say idk to everything you ask
aimesnyc
by Amy on Dec. 31, 2013 at 10:36 AM
7 moms liked this

I don't know about you, but I can't love someone who treats our relationship like it's disposable.  I can't make someone my world who doesn't seem to even really want me in their's.  Just saying.

justpeachy71904
by Silver Member on Dec. 31, 2013 at 11:00 AM
Oh man. There has to be a transparency pact. It was the only thing that wormed for us. Well that and respect. If he wants to fix it he will.

Counseling.
Fayanne
by Gold Member on Dec. 31, 2013 at 11:01 AM

 guys cheat for 2 reasons: either they're assholes, or their emotional needs aren't getting met, so, you need to figure out which is the reason he's cheating 

good luck

 

Mena929
by Member on Dec. 31, 2013 at 11:03 AM
1 mom liked this

I'm sorry mama. You two definitely need to be talking about the issues that are there. Sounds like couseling may be in order.

furbabymum
by Gold Member on Dec. 31, 2013 at 11:09 AM

 Yup yup. Though I will say it's a disturbing pattern for him to be engaging in. I'm not sure he will change for you. Worth a try though.

Quoting preacherskid:

Counseling.  And he has to want to fix this as much as you do.  It won't do any good for you to put in 100% and him to not put any effort in, it will just breed resentment between you two.

 

la_bella_vita
by Bella on Dec. 31, 2013 at 3:48 PM
2 moms liked this

 I'm going to be blunt, it sounds like your marriage is already over and he will leave you soon. I understand not wanting to through a divorce, I wouldn't want to go through one myself but it's not much better staying in a marriage where you are being cheated on, lied to, betrayed and disrespected. If he is willing to change, maybe I'm wrong but he is not going to just stop doing what he is doing. He is doing it right now and has no consequences so why would he stop? He knows you won't confront him or leave? Good luck and best wishes. I hate hearing a woman being treated this way and thinking she needs to stay. No one deserves to be treated that way and nothing will improve by staying. Leaving can lead you to better things in life.

soymujer
by Silver Member on Dec. 31, 2013 at 5:30 PM

First of all, he isn't technically cheating since he hasn't physically done anything sexually with a girl.  I trust him on that part.  Just the sexual inuendos of his messages.  Second, There are consequences.  I said that I don't want a divorce but if it comes down to it, I will.  We have talked via text because he refused to wait till he got off work and threatened to not come home.  We agreed to go to marriage counseling so we have an appointment with our pastor on Friday.

Quoting la_bella_vita:

 I'm going to be blunt, it sounds like your marriage is already over and he will leave you soon. I understand not wanting to through a divorce, I wouldn't want to go through one myself but it's not much better staying in a marriage where you are being cheated on, lied to, betrayed and disrespected. If he is willing to change, maybe I'm wrong but he is not going to just stop doing what he is doing. He is doing it right now and has no consequences so why would he stop? He knows you won't confront him or leave? Good luck and best wishes. I hate hearing a woman being treated this way and thinking she needs to stay. No one deserves to be treated that way and nothing will improve by staying. Leaving can lead you to better things in life.


ReadWriteLuv
by Casey on Dec. 31, 2013 at 5:38 PM
7 moms liked this

Well, now we're just getting into semantics. He made plans to meet another woman for sex. To some women, that's cheating. He degraded you and slandered you to other women, disclosing intimate details of your life to them while shutting you out and putting on a false front of "fine". That's emotional cheating. He told another woman he was divorcing you, doesn't love you, and you are boring in bed. And now, you're defending him.

Quoting soymujer:

First of all, he isn't technically cheating since he hasn't physically done anything sexually with a girl.  I trust him on that part.  Just the sexual inuendos of his messages.  Second, There are consequences.  I said that I don't want a divorce but if it comes down to it, I will.  We have talked via text because he refused to wait till he got off work and threatened to not come home.  We agreed to go to marriage counseling so we have an appointment with our pastor on Friday.

Quoting la_bella_vita:

 I'm going to be blunt, it sounds like your marriage is already over and he will leave you soon. I understand not wanting to through a divorce, I wouldn't want to go through one myself but it's not much better staying in a marriage where you are being cheated on, lied to, betrayed and disrespected. If he is willing to change, maybe I'm wrong but he is not going to just stop doing what he is doing. He is doing it right now and has no consequences so why would he stop? He knows you won't confront him or leave? Good luck and best wishes. I hate hearing a woman being treated this way and thinking she needs to stay. No one deserves to be treated that way and nothing will improve by staying. Leaving can lead you to better things in life.



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