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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

What would you do??? *Long*

Posted by on Jan. 5, 2014 at 1:57 AM
  • 58 Replies
I have been married for three years. I have two boys that are 3 and 2. The first two years of my marrige were rough. My husband was physically and verbally abusive. He would have rage blackouts. Basically, stress or anger would cause him to blackout and when he came out of it he has no recollection of what he has done. Each time this happened I always made excuses to stay and work things out. A little over a year ago we got into another big fight and he started hitting me. Like many times before I fought back but this time I fought back hard. I kicked him in the ribs and nearly broke two of them. Sadly, this did not faze him during the fighting. At that moment I wanted to give up. I had tried everything to make our marriage last but was tired of doing it alone. After the last fight, he started to step up. He was still the same as before but was not abusive. I took it as a good first step to make our marriage work. I tried to move past what he had done like I had the many times before. Sadly, a year goes by and we are still at a stand still. I needed closure. All I wanted and needed to know was one question. 'Why did it take two years of abuse for it to suddenly end after two years?' He does not know the answer. He can tell me that he lost himself along the way and after that one incident he just found himself. Here is the problem with that answer, he still is not sure if that is even the reason. I need a definate and truthful answer. Without it I know that this marriage is going to end. The answer he gave could actually work but it still is not definate. After two years of trying to save my marriage alone, he decides to work things out. When I want to give up, he steps to the plate. Abuse was always a dealbreaker for me but I was willing to over look it for so long because I loved him. Now that the love is pretty much gone, I know that if it ever happened again (not that it will) I could leave. Would the answer he gave be good enough for you to move on or would you still need that definate answer? I know this is long. I did not mean to ramble on. Thank you for the inputs/advice in advance.
by on Jan. 5, 2014 at 1:57 AM
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Replies (1-10):
maria1613
by Silver Member on Jan. 5, 2014 at 2:04 AM
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I think for me, just based off that history, it would be enough to move on. I wouldn't be able to move on with him always worrying and wondering IF and WHEN he'll start the abuse again and how far he'd go the next time. I've been in an abusive relationship before and I'm now EXTRA cautious in all new relationships because of one guy. So even a little teeny tiny sign of abuse, and I'm out the door, whether it's a romantic relationship or not
MamaMoopsie
by on Jan. 5, 2014 at 2:11 AM
2 moms liked this

For me, I would have left the first time he laid a finger on me. Stress and anger should not be an excuse for someone to black out and hit on you. However, that's not the point here. I'm sorry you've gone through what you have, but at this point it sounds like you're done, he can't figure out what's going on with himself and it sounds like he doesn't really want to figure it out. If he wanted to, he'd start doing therapy or at least looking into why he is the way he is and how he can be a better person for you and your children.

I'd leave.

Usagi1023
by Member on Jan. 5, 2014 at 2:20 AM
Quoting maria1613: I think for me, just based off that history, it would be enough to move on. I wouldn't be able to move on with him always worrying and wondering IF and WHEN he'll start the abuse again and how far he'd go the next time. I've been in an abusive relationship before and I'm now EXTRA cautious in all new relationships because of one guy. So even a little teeny tiny sign of abuse, and I'm out the door, whether it's a romantic relationship or not
I can see your point. After walking on egg shells for so long, I just stopped caring. The worry was not doing me any good. I am more cautious now because of him
Usagi1023
by Member on Jan. 5, 2014 at 2:27 AM
Quoting MamaMoopsie:

For me, I would have left the first time he laid a finger on me. Stress and anger should not be an excuse for someone to black out and hit on you. However, that's not the point here. I'm sorry you've gone through what you have, but at this point it sounds like you're done, he can't figure out what's going on with himself and it sounds like he doesn't really want to figure it out. If he wanted to, he'd start doing therapy or at least looking into why he is the way he is and how he can be a better person for you and your children.

I'd leave.

Thanks. I knew from day one that I should have left. I had just hoped that things would change. He will do therapy only because I want him to do it. He does not believe that therapist are worth it. I do. Ot have the fight in me anymore.
maria1613
by Silver Member on Jan. 5, 2014 at 2:31 AM
You say you just stopped caring. That seems to me like you have your mind made up already. Don't stay. For any children involved, it will not help them. One should not have to walk on egg shells in their relationship, that constant worry will eventually destroy you.

Quoting Usagi1023:
Quoting maria1613: I think for me, just based off that history, it would be enough to move on. I wouldn't be able to move on with him always worrying and wondering IF and WHEN he'll start the abuse again and how far he'd go the next time. I've been in an abusive relationship before and I'm now EXTRA cautious in all new relationships because of one guy. So even a little teeny tiny sign of abuse, and I'm out the door, whether it's a romantic relationship or not


I can see your point. After walking on egg shells for so long, I just stopped caring. The worry was not doing me any good. I am more cautious now because of him
MamaMoopsie
by on Jan. 5, 2014 at 2:58 AM
1 mom liked this

 Hon, in my experience if someone doesn't believe they can be helped through therapy, they generally aren't helped by it. It's sort of like he's setting himself up to fail. I have done this myself with a therapist and have seen it done by others. We all deserve happiness, safety, and love. If you don't feel those things with him then it's not the place for you. Therapy is a good start, if he's willing to participate, if he's just going because you want him to and he's not trying to find the root of his problem...well, you know what it means.

I wish you the best, hon.

Quoting Usagi1023:
Quoting MamaMoopsie:

For me, I would have left the first time he laid a finger on me. Stress and anger should not be an excuse for someone to black out and hit on you. However, that's not the point here. I'm sorry you've gone through what you have, but at this point it sounds like you're done, he can't figure out what's going on with himself and it sounds like he doesn't really want to figure it out. If he wanted to, he'd start doing therapy or at least looking into why he is the way he is and how he can be a better person for you and your children.

I'd leave.

Thanks. I knew from day one that I should have left. I had just hoped that things would change. He will do therapy only because I want him to do it. He does not believe that therapist are worth it. I do. Ot have the fight in me anymore.

 

Usagi1023
by Member on Jan. 5, 2014 at 3:00 AM
Quoting MamaMoopsie:

 Hon, in my experience if someone doesn't believe they can be helped through therapy, they generally aren't helped by it. It's sort of like he's setting himself up to fail. I have done this myself with a therapist and have seen it done by others. We all deserve happiness, safety, and love. If you don't feel those things with him then it's not the place for you. Therapy is a good start, if he's willing to participate, if he's just going because you want him to and he's not trying to find the root of his problem...well, you know what it means.

I wish you the best, hon.

Quoting Usagi1023:
Quoting MamaMoopsie:

For me, I would have left the first time he laid a finger on me. Stress and anger should not be an excuse for someone to black out and hit on you. However, that's not the point here. I'm sorry you've gone through what you have, but at this point it sounds like you're done, he can't figure out what's going on with himself and it sounds like he doesn't really want to figure it out. If he wanted to, he'd start doing therapy or at least looking into why he is the way he is and how he can be a better person for you and your children.

I'd leave.

Thanks. I knew from day one that I should have left. I had just hoped that things would change. He will do therapy only because I want him to do it. He does not believe that therapist are worth it. I do. Ot have the fight in me anymore.

 

Thank you. I know therapy could possibly help us but I want him to do it on his own. Not because I want him to do it
Usagi1023
by Member on Jan. 5, 2014 at 3:02 AM
Bump
nebcutie
by Member on Jan. 5, 2014 at 3:29 AM
Ok i will look beyond the abuse for a second but will say like others i would hope i would of left if it were me. now.... you or him will never know for sure what triggered him changing but he is. At least he is being honest with you on that and not making up lies. I also read he said yes to therepy but thinks they wont help.. he must think it might a little if he is willing to go and all you can do is go and see make sure you find a few and be willing to try another one if the first seems like a dumbass... trust me they are out there.. you seem toknow you can accept its over but also seem a little unsure so why not go to a few sessions and see how things go at least this will help you go either way.
Usagi1023
by Member on Jan. 5, 2014 at 5:56 AM
I want him to do therapy on his own. Not because I suggest it. How will it help if he won't make the first step and help himself.

Quoting nebcutie: Ok i will look beyond the abuse for a second but will say like others i would hope i would of left if it were me. now.... you or him will never know for sure what triggered him changing but he is. At least he is being honest with you on that and not making up lies. I also read he said yes to therepy but thinks they wont help.. he must think it might a little if he is willing to go and all you can do is go and see make sure you find a few and be willing to try another one if the first seems like a dumbass... trust me they are out there.. you seem toknow you can accept its over but also seem a little unsure so why not go to a few sessions and see how things go at least this will help you go either way.

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